I got to meet some awesome ladies IRL. And it was said that you tend to know your bloggy friends better then the IRL friends. We share intimacies. Go much more in depth, some of us anyway. Me.
I have gotten to a point in my life where I don't care to be fake. I' am talking about ME. I'm not saying any of you are fake. I my life I've met people. We'd become "friends" I would meet a need serve a purpose and just as quickly be tossed aside. I do know that friendship ebbs and flows with life. Some just fade out over time.
One particular relationship I'm thinking of is with my last BFF. Her name is Trista. (I'm using her real name because maybe she'll find this blog. Maybe she'll even read it. Maybe she'll see what she has missed out on. Maybe.)
Trista and I met while working at a horrific daycare. Us teachers weren't horrific it was the families and the director that made it so. We bonded instantly. She was married at the time and wanting to have a baby. I was dating Ramone. (You remember) Trista had a beautiful baby girl. All was happy and right with life. I would sleep over sometimes and help with the baby. She would come out with me and pretend she was single again. I was single again and having a good time not being serious. Then she began wanting to be single again. I found another job out of childcare. She began acting weird. I was there for her every step of the way in this. Her Husband had no idea she was falling out of love with him. Then she said she wanted another baby. It was very difficult to navigate these waters. (I hadn't even found the one yet!) Not too much time passed that she quit her job, I being the friend got her one with me. She took over. She began pursuing the boss. (Who wasn't much of a boss he was a 27 put in a position way too advanced for his managing skills.) I met Rob. Trista hated Rob. Rob didn't approve of what she was doing in her life or what was happening to me. I had a breakdown that forced me into the hospital. I got better. When I tried to talk to her about this she told me that I would marry anyone that asked me. She wasn't going to watch me settle. She "loved" me too much. She had seen the bad breakup I went through with Ramone...I didn't want to marry him. Saw me through dating a bunch of losers...didn't want to marry any of them. Her words shocked and hurt me. For 5 years we were sisters. Never held back, honest, supportive. Suddenly she COULD not support me. Our friendship faded. I became the bad guy that let a guy get between us. I begged her to be in the wedding. She was, and she brought her husband and baby. She was still trying to have another one. The final straw came when I got pregnant. I dreaded having to tell her. I worked up the nerve and said "I wanted you to be the first to know that we are going to have a baby." There was silence at the other end. About 5 minutes worth and then she said in a harsh tone "I need to put Molly to bed." That was the last thing she ever said to me. All of my friendships have had warnings or slowly over time faded. But this one was just gone in a blink.
It is now very hard for me to open up to people. Shocker considering in this month alone I've laid my heart out there three times!
I do not take the word friendship lightly. I can't throw it around. It is not seeing someone at church and catching up with them in 10 minutes. It's not "oh we have to do something sometime..." And never making plans because life is busy. Friendships are sacred to me. They are the people God put in my life for a reason. I feel like I'm going way off the deep end with this.
But I know what I expect and what I give. I am curious what is your definition to friendship? How many people are your friends? How many people would you lay your guts out for? How many would do it for you?
I have three ladies that live on opposite coasts of me. Every day they visit me, everyday I visit them. If they haven't posted I wait...Someday I hope I will be able to meet these women. They are my friends. You know who you are. (You better know who you are.) And to the ladies here in MN that I just met. I am so thankful for the opportunity to become friends. But in keeping it real, I know that, sometimes what we would like to be and what is just isn't the same thing. But I hoping. Oh and to my one friend who reads my blog but doesn't blog herself. I am so thankful you are my friend. I can't wait for our getaway trip!