Last year...

Last year at this time I was so filled with worry, that I barely had time to enjoy the last days of school.
Last year at this time I was rubbing my knees raw in prayer for this family.
Last year at this time I was praying unemployment wouldn't last long for my husband.
Last year at this time I was coming to terms with loosing our house, both being angry at the bank for not working with us to stay and hopeful they would except the offer we received to short sell before the sheriff auction. Thinking about this brings back feelings of disgust, humility, hope...FAITH.
God had to have a plan for us.
Last year at this time we were in the storm of our lives, and I can barely remember the kids school year ending...
I was wrapped up in keeping it together, when every fiber of my being wanted to kick and scream and be mad at God.
It was a daily struggle for me. I didn't feel like I could breathe for months. June was especially bad, this time last year.
We have all grown. Things have changed, bitterness has turned to joy.
The kids miss the house; it was the only one they knew. The dog misses the house, and her yard to protect! The cat misses the freedom of her quiet street. Rob and I don't miss it at all. For us it was always a temporary home, a place "for now" until we could build our forever home. When I used to think of that house I saw the things I wanted to change, the things I hated and wanted updated.
When I reflect back on the house now, I still feel those things, but I see it as the place we built our family. Slowly the memories are coming back to me. The peony bushes I re-planted when we moved in. The decorating of the kids rooms. The beautiful paint color we painted just before moving in. Redoing the kitchen floor just Rob and I. The new front door and windows we had installed to protect us from the cold winters. Cutting the grass on our riding lawn mover. Trick or Treating in our neighborhood and all the little old people so excited to see the kids that they would just dump the candy in the buckets, not caring that we would be saying "Just one! Just one!"
Riding our bikes on the path, the weather sirens testing every month and the dog singing along!
The cursing of weeds in the spring/summer and leaves in the fall! The way my cabinets were and where everything was stashed in them. The stormy nights we cuddled up downstairs in our basement together. The Christmas', oh the Chirstmas' we shared in that house. How there was no fireplace, so the stockings were hung on the stair railings instead. The joy I felt when anything was replaced: a light fixture, a ceiling fan, a new towel bar! The work that went into taking that wallpaper down! Oh, how I hated the wallpaper!
I huge garage(s). We had 2 two-car garages, one behind the other. You have no idea how grand this was!!!!!
We now have a "basic" 2 car garage and only 1 car! Yet there never seems to be enough room...gee, I wonder why that is? wink wink
I can see the growth in my kids. We did everything we could to shield them from the drama and concern we had at the time. We spoke only in whispers in the dark of night. We told them things only when it was time to tell them. Both were nervous about switching schools, and sad. The pool at the new place helped cope!
We prayed for our kids to transition smoothly, and they did. They made friends and had the best teachers. Butter needed a bit more help with her reading, she doesn't like it, and these teachers were ON IT! She loves them, and for them she worked really hard, she still doesn't like to read, but she knows she has to work at it. I am so proud of both of them, they still don't know how desperate we were at this time last year. I am grateful that my God was there for me, I can't imagine not having hope, not knowing His promises.
I am so ready to say goodbye to last year and move on.
Today I am cherishing how far we've come and peacefully waiting for His instructions for our future.

That good old anxiety...again!

I'm sitting here eating some delicious pea soup {made by my mother-in-law} fighting yet another battle of anxiety.
Palms sweating, heart racing, deep breaths aren't working, minding trying trying trying to keep the song 'Take a load off Fanny' going instead of the bombardment of negative thoughts...
I hate these days. these moments!
It started last night. Hubby and I had a nice time together, good chatting, he gave me a tender kiss, that said "I love you, the kids are asleep..."
I felt the rising panic set in out.of.nowhere.
After a good old cry, I turned over, ashamed that I let anxiety rob me of this moment.
As I was brushing my teeth this morning it dawned on me; I have that "thing" tomorrow; that conference where I'll be meeting up with absolute strangers, in some one's house I've never met before...
What in the world was I thinking when I agreed to DO this?
Oh, can still, not go...but that is not the point!
I want to go wanted to go, it sounded fun, exciting, the potential of meeting new people and making connections.
Now that it's here, my anxiety has taking over; what if they don't like me, what if I'm not my funny, breezy self? What if someone asks if I'm pregnant, because lets face it all my fat has pooled in the front! Every time I where a dress, someone asks. I wasn't planning on where a dress tomorrow; I was planning on wearing the tightest jeans I have a standing the whole time!
Okay, not that either. I'd have to worry about farting then...

This is becoming a TMI post right here.

Okay, breath.
Let's try to write with our brain, not with what ever thought is first out of the mouth er fingers.

I fought am fighting a long battle of self-esteem issues, who isn't really? Mine, for me can be crippling. I touched on the "tapes" in my last post...well, I also have "feelings" that go along with those darn words. Abandonment, worthlessness, unlovable...just a few.
These were things that came out of the family I grew up in, so naturally when it's time to go and meet new people the demon "You're family didn't even like you and you think strangers will?"
Comes in and reeks havoc on all my good intentions!

You know when on shows, there is a hysterical person spazzy out about something and someone else comes along and slaps that person out of the spaz? That's what I need, and internal beat down!

I'll be completely honest here, going to the bible and reading verses about how precious I am to God and how he knew my in my mother's womb, really don't help me much in this "mood". All it does it make me feel worse for letting these demons use my heart as a playground and not only am I what they say, but I'm also weak and a bad christian for not "taking it to the cross."
I'm the rebellious child, I guess, God can say all the sweet nourishing words he wants, but when the mood is on the demons just laugh.

This fanny seriously needs to take a load off!
And the only thing that seems to help is those suggestive rap songs that we shook our booties too 'back in the day'.
"Baby got back" and "Rump Shaker". "Gonna make you sweat" and "Whoop there it is" and let's not leave out "Ice Ice Baby".
These are the kind of songs that from the second that beat drops your body can not help itself but follow it.
Now-a-days I can appreciate a guy singing about liking big butts, because funny story, after 2 kids and 20 years my butt is actually kinda big, so it can almost be a sort of anthem right?
"Rump shaker" well, you sort of need a good size rump to shake or there would be no song...
I am certainly "sweating" and "whoop" there is the anxiety.
So I'm gonna go "ice ice" this "baby" down and chill.
Tomorrow will be great, I know this. God has a plan and I just need to remind myself this "baby got back!" As in My heavenly Father's got it...um covered. :0)

PEACE! (ha, sorry had to.)

{Words}

I'm joining up with Heather at the EO today...


Words have the power to bring someone to there knees...
They have the power to give someone hope...
Ease someones pain...
make someone hurt badly...

Many times it's the hurtful words that play over and over in our heads, haunting us in the night, playing tricks on us during the day.
These "tapes" that we allow to steal our joy, were callously spoken; but are not...I repeat ARE NOT the truth.

Growing up, I had a bully sister. She loved calling me "stupid" second only to "ugly".
When I got into junior high these hurtful names morphed into "gappy" and "muppet".
I had glasses, I needed braces and my body was changing.

I had the blessing (and curse) of switching school districts in ninth grade. Nobody knew me. I had a fresh start...and nobody knew me. I ended up becoming friends with a locker neighbor, who was a foot and a half taller then me. Our first words were "Hi I'm Sara, God you're tall!" and "John; Damn you're short!" We became fast friends, had math together even though he was a grade older, they put all the district newbies in a "special" locker section, not in with our grades...nice, don't make it obvious or anything.
I survived that first year, that summer I got my braces and I got that boy to agree to be my boyfriend.
Oh, sure there was some teasing, but for the most part it bothered John more. Until he made varsity basketball and he became a star player. Not that we'd win state or anything, but John was good and he was tough and I was his biggest fan.
We dated on and off for seven more years, until finally he had to be the one to rip the band-aid off; for good.
The old tapes came flooding back, and this 21 year old girl went crazy! Or as crazy as I could go, which wasn't too crazy, since I was always rule follower. I lived; wildly for a bit. Then I came back to reality and realized that the only person I needed to please was me. I wanted to be better...
Then I met someone that introduced me to Jesus, showed me I could know him personally and then the only person I wanted to please was Him. (Jesus)
I struggled against this *new* me, this *new* grace. It was painful, the guilt, the anger, the hurt...all having to go through it, to get rid of it, to find forgiveness in it.

Sticks and stone may back my bones; but names will never hurt me...

That is a lie!
Bones can break, but you can see the healing, you know when it's healed.
The names well there seep into your soul, they latch on...
and sometimes we use them to feel...because we are afraid of not feeling anything, so we hold onto them tightly...
There are days I still feel "gappy", there are moments I feel "ugly" but it is now because I stepped off the rock. Took my eyes off the truth.

God saw all that he made, and it was very good. ~ Genesis 1:31

He didn't see blonds, or redheads, or athletes, or supermodels...and they are good.
He saw ALL that he made, and IT was very good.
Which means YOU. Which means me, before, during and after my braces, glasses, awkward stage!
Heck, even after my two  children!
It's the words we let into our hearts that make us who we are.
Remember that.
Breath that in.

God made you, he saw you and you are very good.

Blog Fog

Can you say lazy blogger?
Yep, that's what I've been, or that's what I feel like I've been.
At times I just feel like "keepin' it to myself."
Which is new for me, I've never been one to hold back, but maybe that is something I'm learning.
I've been told I can have a sharp tongue and can be callus at times. (nodding head)
So lately, I find myself quiet. Oh, the mind is working, I've just clamped down on the tongue until I can find something nice or interesting to say.
I also do not talk softly, especially when I have a point or I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. My level goes up a notch. It reaches loud levels when I talk to my mother.
I can never seem to get my point across, she tells it like she sees it and that is that. She also shuts down like a bank at 3pm on Friday after she's had her say. No exceptions please.
I've written before about these issues...
Can you guess what time it is?
It's what I call: Whack-a-doodle-Spring.
Never fails to get whack-a-doodle around here in Spring.
To elborate would mean opening up the flood gates, which I plan to keep firmly closed, at least for this post anyway.
I have a thing coming up next weekend. A real life meet-up for (in)courage. I am a bit nervous, I only know one other gal in the group, and by know her; I mean; know of her blog, met her once...and I'm not sure she is even going to be there. Okay, I'm a lot nervous!
But it an't be all bad if the darn thing is called: (in)courage! Right?

Rob and I continue to enjoy being "in retirement" together. He is busy with his blog, and applying for jobs, going out to lunch now and again "for the blog's sake."
It is coming up on being a year since he lost his job. It has been a year of extreme growth for me, and yet I still have the same fears. Even though I saw with my own eyes, God's provisions, I still go to the what if's. I hate admitting that. I feel like a loser. But I'm not a loser, I'm human and flawed and sinful.
The kids are doing great. Butter just finished the first half of her testing, and I can tell it's a relief to her. Though it's more a reflection on the school and district, then it is on her. She has had the perfect teacher this year. By perfect I mean a pretty and gentle lady. Butter idolizes this woman, she is the bees knees...and when Mrs H says "good Job!" well, then it was. Plus, Butter wants to impress Mrs. H so she trys really hard, is first to volunteer and willing to do anything she asks...
I wish Mrs. H could be her teacher the rest of elementary school.
Roo also has the perfect teacher for him! Mrs K is a mother of 3 grown boys, so she knows boys! My son is smart as a whip, and thing are easy for him right now, so he likes to be the clown...Mrs K often gets "quality" time with Roo because often his desk is right by hers.  ;0)
He has had a few blips this year in regards to behavior, it's his first year full-time in school, he wants to be "cool" and fit in. We begun the talks about the importance of who we choose as friends and what kind of infuence they can have on us. He has a good heart, but is easily distracted. I am hoping that as time goes on things will get more challenging for him, schoolwork-wise. If not we will have to take more action on this because he very well could fall into a naughty phase if not kept challenged.

That is an update...hope you have a great weekend planned!

Canceled Trip.

I have been thinking all day how I can word this post. My mind is clouded by hurt, and I don't want to just let loose the gammit of emotions stirring in me at this point.
I am dealing with disappointment.
We should be on the rode, heading to sunny Flordia. But "circumstances beyond our control" changed our plans.
That is the nice way of saying it.
It is not really what I wanted to say, but I am minding my tongue and holding tight to restless emotions.
Disappointment is a part of life, how we deal with it, how we let it rule us or how much pow we give it is up to us.
I am locking down the stench of disappointment and instead turning to see the blessings...
Right this minute Butter is upstairs playing with a friend. Roo is riding his bike...the dog is happily napping...blessings of a canceled trip.

What's dirt got to do with it?

I was turned onto a blog called "People I want to punch in the throat".
Jen is hilariously out spoken about things. A couple of days ago she let her husband write on her blog. His post 10 reasons to love me.
And by love me, he means give him loving, not, why he should be admired.
Too funny. Right up until he got to the point that he suggested the new technology in brazillains.
Today she posted a reply. She did not go light on him.
Where am I going with this?
Besides giving a big blog shout-out, it got me thinking.
Through the years God has mellowed me, the sass factor has been toned down. I like it that way, honestly.
Blogging has taken on so many themes. Some write to inform, some write to teach, some write to share experience, some write to encourage, some write mean things about people.
As I work my way through blog design, questions keep coming up: What is the theme of your blog? What is your niche? What do you want people to take away from your blog?

Since my depression back in 2000, And my becoming a follower of Jesus; all I've ever wanted to was live a good honest life. I wanted to become the person God meant for me to be, I wanted to live by example. Not as a goodie two shoe-holier then thou, but a flawed women open to correction and growth by her heavenly Father.
A woman who openly talks about her struggles, speaks the truth and encourages others.
I've found that this is very hard to do "in real life".
People don't want to talk about "stuff". They definitely don't want to hear truth.
I mentioned to a friend that I felt like our relationship had waned into non-existence.
To which she took great offence, telling me that A) this was coming out of no-where  B) her life was crazy hectic and C) she was going through medical things.
I totally get that life can get busy, my point was I had no idea what was going on in her life because we hadn't made time for each other. (Notice I put blame on both of us.)
When a person chooses to take on the world alone, it can become an overwhelming place.
I am often time told I'm too sensitive.
My feeling is that people aren't sensitive enough.
Nowadays people can say whatever they wish on Facebook, or a text or twitter and never look that person in the eye, never have to be convicted of those harsh words or attitude.
Maybe they don't have to face the person, but God sees them. He also knows what is causing the underlining pain that is making the person lash out.
It is up to the person to experience God's grace.
I am learning and growing everyday.
What that means for me is: Dealing with self doubt and worthlessness. Seeing myself the way God sees me; not "the world".
Hearing a family member question my worth by "what I bring to the table" is painful, I also know that it is the enemy trying to use that family member to wound me, to pull me away from God's redemption.
A person focused on hurting is not focusing on dealing with their own hurt and unforgiveness. The enemy loves when they walk in the muck and dirty themselves up.
Being forgiving doesn't mean being a door mat for other's to wipe their dirty off on you.
I will no longer be a door mat, but I will tell you if I notice that your shoes are dirty.
If you get my drift.
That's as sassy as I'm gonna get today.

Not ready yet

I am not procrastinating.
I have been reading... a lot.
Every time I go to start writing the post I'm working on, I am led to something else, which then tells me I'm on the right track with what I wanted the post to be.

Today I will see my dad again.
I hold no expectations, but I do plan to arm myself with this:
A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. ~ Proverbs 19:11

If you've been reading these last few days, this verse came in like a baby lamb bleeping in my heart.
I choose glory, not offense.

Two things...

First; This one...

 Did this...

Because I won't let her lay here. (under our bed)

Yesterday she was angry at us for having a sitter, so she camped out under the bed for two days. So today we closed the door, she can't get in and she is mad about that.

Second, conviction hit today.

My devotion for the day was:

Don't worship your worries.

He is safe because he trusts the Lord~Psalm 112:7(ibc)

{When your worries take on a life of their own and take over your thoughts, you are worshiping them not Me.}

*gulp*

Hmpf.

sigh.

"chin up"

I'll do my best.

That's all.

Settling in.

We've been taking our time, settling in.
This past week we went and got the kids registered for school and drove past the new school they will attend in the fall.
We got new keys made for our mailbox, and got a lay of the land so to speak.
I know where the cash machine is, grocery store for quick pick ups and for the big shops are. We have about 7 different pizza joints all within walking distance, and a quaint little honky tonk down the road. (They have the best homemade pizza rolls)
Soccer ended last week and we are embracing the slow lazy days.
Nearly all of the boxes that are going to be unpacked; are; and everything else is stored nice and neat. We are nearly prepared to get two cars in the garage.
It feels good.
I feel good.
God is good.
It still breaks me wide open when I think of how far this family has come in just the last couple weeks.
The message at church was a powerful one, reminding us that we need to glorify God in our lives. That when we spend too much time thinking about our problems they can overwhelm us. But if we spend time seeing God in ALL His Glory, our problems begin to shrink by comparison. Nothing is too big or great for Him to handle. I would be lying if I said I didn't fret constantly over where we would live, but I tried I succeeded in turning my thoughts every.single.time back to the great provider, our God. The glory is His. He gave this home to us, he worked it out in His perfect timing. I only followed Him, stayed obedient in my thoughts, constant in my prayers and He led us here.
We still have urgent prayers, but there is no longer doubt that He will answer, I just need to stay faithful, patient and grateful that He is changing me, molding me for something else other then a "worrywart".

June's end.

I wanted to give a quick update.
We have been extremely busy. July is looming getting closer and closer and we still don't have a definite date that we need to be out. it's one of two and there is really no difference other then 3 more days .
A job that Rob interviewed for two months ago has been filled with someone else. As we were talking about it last night, Rob said to me. "I think God wants me here for a reason, I think we are suppose to work on the house thing together. GO through this together."
I will admit that I had been feeling like I was going it alone. I would look at all the rental sites 5-10 times a day, call to set up showings and I'd have to work around Rob if there was interviews, or meetings or what have you. (Not that finding a job isn't IMPORTANT, it is, but finding a home for our family is more so right now.I can honestly that now that his focus has shifted, I feel him present and there for I don't feel so weighted down, like I was carrying "this" load alone and he was carrying "the job" load alone. Instead we put the one load down and are working together to carry this one. Once it is in place we'll go back and pick up the next load and carry that one together.
I is amazing to me that you can have common sense, you can have some wisdom, but life IS a constant journey that you WILL learn from because you are suppose to continue ON, not stop and get stuck. I was stopping, getting stuck, Rob was stopping, getting stuck; but now when one gets stuck the other is right there to pull the other out and onward.
I can feel God nudging. June will go down as one of the hardest months I've ever had. I won't say worst, because how can you call something that you fought through every.single.day and made it out STRONGER, you're not worse for that you are refined! (I can not find the verse I'm thinking of, something about being tested in the fire and coming out liked refined precious metal.) Rob is wanting me to take over the garage sale so he can mow the grass...see working together! LOL

Sitting here

I am sitting here, Rob Lowe whispering in my ear, telling me stories he "only tells his friends."
He is interesting, and he likes to use the f-word. Or the people he is quoting like to use the f-word.
It's not like I've never heard the word, it's just that the impudent speech hasn't been a part of my life for about 8 1/2 years. The occasional sh*t will fly if I drop something on my foot or knock my head, but other then that I guess I've just lost the sass...

Last night I was sitting here, staring at the computer, at my blog thinking; I am not interpreting anything these days. I am scared to get it wrong; afraid that my petty human wants will somehow be interpreted as the God's gentle nudging. Though my heart is in the right place, it's my head that I do daily battle with. I have to literally change my thoughts mid-thinking them. Because if I don't, the enemy will snare me.

News came that Rob's bosses are refusing him his vacation pay. My mind quickly took off at light speed cursing the men responsible for causing more undue stress. My mind plotted sweet revenge, not that I'd really egg their cars...but my mind laughed at the thought, maybe it would be hot and the egg would bake into the paint. I get no pleasure from that thinking now of course, because the moment I felt it taking hold I prayed for forgiveness and thought of God shaking his head at me in disappointment. I felt shame. Then it was gone, because I repented and I am forgiven. I then thought of how, after I was out of his gaze he chuckled at me. Really? Eggs? That's what she came up with.
Well yeah, because I can be angry, I have a ferocious bark, but the bite, well it's more of a nip and never breaks skin. I am not a mean person.

So I've been thinking: Interpret Sass needs to change, has changed.
Over this past year God is doing something in my life, and I have learned that I never was a good interpretor of his plan and after awhile you mature and learn that being sassy has it's limits.
I want to be whom God intended,  Sara.

It can only get better.

They call me Sara. That is my name. I am not sure why my mother chose it. Why from all the other names she chose for me, Sara.
I am thankful it is not Martha...(after a  great grandmother)

Sara is Hebrew meaning princess.
I certainly do not feel like a princess, I do not live a princess life and I do not walk around wearing a crown. Though I did grow up feeling like having a crown would get me love, affection and adoration, like it did the countless queens and princesses that won the pageants my parents ran. I never did win one, I did win best party dress though. :0)

In my one and only "drama" skit for our church I played one of the sisters in the story about Mary and Martha. The two are very different, and when Jesus comes for a visit, Mary sits at Jesus' feet and listens to him and his teaching, Martha, on the other hand, is busy doing all the work.
She asks Jesus "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" ~Luke 10:40

Jesus tells Martha " Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."~Luke 10:41


I can relate to Martha; when there is so much to do, it just isn't natural to stop. Listen. I can relate to her annoyance in her sister, Martha feels like she must now do it all, shoulder the weight; and she doesn't think that's fair.
Now that I think about it Martha should have been my name.
I go about my life fastidiously doing the work on my to-do list and really can't won't be bothered when there is so much to do.
I can't take time to listen if God might be telling me something, that takes so long, and I need to hurry up, get on with it...go go go.

There really never is quiet. Think about that for a second, how often do you sit, sit still, with no sound, no radio, no television, no person chatting in the background. We are constantly plugged in, wired up, online, wifi~ed, bluetooth~ed.
It takes effort to quiet your surroundings, it takes even more effort to quiet your mind.

My pastor once said women are like computers, there is ALWAYS several windows open and more waiting to "bing" in. It can be a window that hasn't been opened in years and "bing" suddenly she's reliving that night her parents called her trash because she wore a short skirt on a date.
My mind is never at rest.

I don't know how to be anything other than what I've been. I know I need to make changes. I want to make changes. I am easy to anger, but thankfully with God's delicate pruning I am quick to say I'm sorry.
I make stupid judgments. (Seriously, does that person know how to park? Maybe they should trade in the mammoth SUV and get a car that fits...) And now, I can also feel the sting when I hear a judgment being made in my presence. (A comment about an outfit, big head, what have you, even if it's a person on television.)
I am learning to be more forgiving. And sometimes forgiving means ending a relationship because no healing can come from continued hurt.

Let the journey continue, it can only get better from here.

Searching out God's will.

I need a mentor.
Honestly I can lay awake interpreting, classifying, juggling, mulling thoughts.
We've been in a message series about the Holy Spirit. I've been loving it.
But I asked a question about a verse.
The question is How do they know?
I'm not asking for historical proof or evidence, what I'm asking is How do they know that they have interpreted it right?
I mean, some things in the bible are more literal then others.
I am a literal person.
I am a person driven by truth. I must find the truth about something and once I do, I'm good. If I can't, it drives me crazy.
I literally have a list of questions.
Some people keep lists of what they need from the store, yes, I have one of those too. Some people have a prayer journal, yep, got one of those too.
I have a journal that I keep my questions in.
Over time some of them get answered, some of them may never be answered until I have passed on.
And maybe some things I am just never meant to know.
Do you think that God keeps secrets?
I mean, Do you think there are some things He'll never tell, or somethings we just can never understand because after all we are human, He is God and well, our brains just aren't the same.
Or will we get to Heaven and suddenly every question our hearts have ever asked, both spoken and unspoken we'll simply, immediately know the answer to?
If you haven't guessed by now I am philosophical. I think deep. I go places that are not for the faint of heart.
There have been many times my husband has sighed at me and said "NO, I really DON'T think about it."
And my reaction is always the same: "What do you mean you don't think about it?"
My brain is obsessed with thinking about it and he's telling me sports scores and work are really all that he cares to think about.
Umph!
The reason I decided to name this blog Interpret Sass, was because, I can be a sassy little brat with my speech. I must interpret all the thoughts and ramblings in my own head. I speak my mind. I say what I think, I am truthful. Have I spoken white lies, yes, to avoid hurting someone, starting an argument, and biting my tongue (example: Child dresses themselves, they don't match, look like a mess and yet you want them to grow their independence. So when you are asked "Do I look okay?" I will answer "How do you feel? You look fine."
Or you are at someone's house for dinner: they serve something you didn't like are you going to tell that person "Um, I did not like dinner, but hey, thanks for having me."
No, your going to sit there enjoy the company and tell them you had a nice time, even if you have to stop at McDonald's on the way home.
The with holding my tongue is the hardest, but I'm determined not to shout out the truth in a moment of being "right".
So where is all this coming from?
I was woken this morning by a nagging. My daughter asked me something yesterday that I kinda blew off. I didn't want to get into it all. I was convicted about my own feelings about it; and instead of having the conversation then and there when she wanted answers, I took time for myself to think over how I wanted to give those answers and what the answers themselves would be.
Gosh, kids hit ya with hard questions and out of no where!
As I prayed my way through it one of the prayers was "Lord, I need direct contact. If it is your will that we move forward with this..."
So this is the meat and potatoes of it.
Is this question, this stipulation, I guess, is it WRONG? Am I WRONG to ask it this way?
Am I being prideful by saying; I kinda think this is your will, but if you do it this way I'll know for sure.
Because this week we learned that Jesus spoke through a donkey to send a message, He speaks through pastor's all the time, maybe this was Him speaking through my daughter and that should be all the "proof" I need. What if she's jsut asking questions, hard questions, because she is looking for an answer.
Here's the background:
This has been a battle since before I married into my husband's family. It felt to me like they got together over everything. Now that the family has grown with more children, there are even more parties. It is extremely one-sided. We are expected to show up, however when we have something to celebrate a great portion of them don't come. It was brought to my attention that a birthday is this weekend. Nobody emails me, phones me, texts me...I'm not hard to find. It is passed from one mouth to another to another and I'm suppose to feel joy attending, when; though we are WELCOME, we weren't actually invited by the host(tess).
I know I have issues here. Plainly.
But when I host something, I send out invitations through the MAIL, not an evite, not a mass holler across a room full of people, sometimes it IS with a phone call. My point: I talk IN person to a PERSON about the PERSON we are having the celebration for. It's called personal relations.
Many times when we've gone in the past it's a :Who can out do the last person's thing...
It feels more like it's about the adults out-shining the kids and when the focus IS on the kids, it's when it's present time and the excess is INSANE, not to mention the who bought the best present.
We stopped going the moment my daughter said to us "Why does Emma get all those presents for her birthday, she's not even looking at them?"
I'm not cheap, I'm thrifty and watching a child cast aside a gift that was thoughtfully picked out for her, because it wasn't the biggest or she has 20 other gifts...at what point do you say enough?
Another example of one-sidedness: I threw my husband a 40th birthday party. He didn't want anything fancy, he just wanted to celebrate his day with friends and family. The party was set for an afternoon, food was lovingly purchased and prepared for all those invited, a huge part of Rob's family did not show up until an hour AFTER the party was to be over (2-5), it wasn't that big of a deal because many friends stayed, I hadn't put food away...they came for 10 minutes, then they had to leave to make dinner reservations. I could not believe it, invitations had gone out in secret a month ahead of time. I was appalled by their lack of courtesy, by the food wasted, the selfishness of their actions, and just because they don't RSVP doesn't mean they are NOT coming; none of these same people RSVP'd for our wedding.  These same folks invite and expect us at their celebrations but never seem to feel the need to come to ours. Breaks my heart.
Now Butter is asking, because she overheard the invite, why aren't we going?
I've been asking myself that question... is it my pride that's keeping us from going?
Maybe.
I just am a believer in; you treat people how you want to be treated. You set the example of how other's treat you. If you act cold and fake around someone, how do you think they are going to respond to that? Will they want to come to your house? Will they feel comfortable around you?
I get around these people and I just stand there, like I'm outside the store window looking in.
I used to try and talk with each of them, start conversations but after having someone walk away from you in mid-conversation on several different occasions, you kinda wonder if they even want to talk to you.
When it comes to invitations it always comes through someone else, never directly to me: The wife, the one who manages the calendar, the one who coordinates the schedules.
Have you ever asked a guy something? What is one of his top responses?
"Let me ask my wife. Talk to my wife. I'll let you know after I talk to my wife."
What's the number one reason guys get in trouble from their wives?
Not talking to them.
When I make plans, I don't approach their husbands, even though they talk to me and I feel 99% more welcomed by them, no, I make it a point to tell the women, the schedulers.
I want to do God's will in this. If we are meant to get back into going, even if it's for the kids and their realm of family, I'll do it. I don't want to go someplace I am not wanted, enjoyed or invited. I don't want my children to feel ignored or unwanted.
If these people treated me differently, I wouldn't have a problem taking an invitation from word of mouth, but it feels like we're the after thought, why should we put importance on "family" when others clearly do not?
 If you want to put a label on us and call us family, then maybe you should ACT a bit more familial.
Could the same be said for me? Absolutely.
I do treat them in a familial way, the way they have set the guidelines for.
I send them each Christmas cards. I invite them to things we ask all family to. I even have gone so far as to comment on their facebook status, which they do not do on mine, only one of them excepted my friend request. So, maybe I'm bitter, I don't feel bitter, I don't feel like I haven't forgiven, I feel sad.
I feel like they are missing out on being apart of our lives, like we want family to be.
I can't make them CHOOSE us.
But what I can do is set an example for my children: If some one doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated, you don't have to be around them. Even if that someone is family, sometimes family can be the cruelest to you. Family is not a "pass" to treat you like crap, it is a gift that some choose not to appreciate.
Jesus tells us to love one another, not show up and be treated like your invisible. Some times the best way to love people that hurt you is to leave it alone, forgive them and move on.  Jesus didn't hang out with the people that didn't like him, He went out and found people that wanted to know him, wanted to hear his message, that believed in him through knowing him. Did he confront those that didn't like him? Yep, he tried to teach them, but in the end it was up to them whether they wanted to believe in him or not.
Just like it is up to Rob's family to except and embrace me or continue to treat me like an outsider.
I can clearly remember the day I met them. Rob was so excited for me to meet them, I had heard nothing but good things about them. Imagine then my surprise when upon introduction they looked me over and proceeded on with their conversation as if I wasn't even there, no questions about who I was, what I did, where Rob and I met...nothing. In the times I tried to ask about them, I was rebuffed, ignored or interrupted. I felt like Rob's compassion for these people was completely one-sided. Time has only given me truth to that statement.
We all have issues with family, some bigger then other's.
I want to live a life that is compassionate and following the direction of God. If going that way and someone else is going another, isn't it at that point that you must turn and keep going or do you keep stopping, going back, seeing if they've changed their mind...or do you keep your head up, eyes on God and pray that in the end both your roads brought you to the same place?
If you have a thought about this post, please share it with me. I am open to your opinions.

Mom

This has been a crazy few weeks.

I got news that there was concern for my Mom's heart.

Mother and I haven't gotten along the greatest over the years, but things have gotten better.

Truths have been told, and accepted.

Hurts that have stung for many years, are now being healed.

I have drawn closer to Mother, and haven't allowed her to push away.

At times it was heart~wrenching, but God is working here.

Today Mother had her angio~cardiogram. She was nervous, scared when I saw her this morning.

Before they took her in; I held her hand and prayed over her, something I've never done before in front of her. I know if meant a great deal to her.

the results: Minor plague. No need for a stint or more surgery.

Sweet relief!

She looked great, she even said it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be!

It was nice for me to be able to love on her, she was pinned to the bed and wasn't able to move, doctors orders. Tough job for a lady used to doing things for herself.

She was my helpless captive! ;) And I loved every moment of service.

The doctor encouraged her to exercise. Which she is excited about, now that she knows she won't keel over or drop dead. ;) her words not mine.

We have made plans to do the YMCA together. Now that I'm a pro and all. (wink wink)

I've been sorta "pushy", bringing up scripture, talking about my wonderful bloggy friends that some just happen to be married to pastors, telling her about church messages, books I'd recommend.

We're starting small, I'm going to get her a daily devotional. Something she can read each day that won't overwhelm her, but gives her a taste of God's grace and love.

Maybe sometimes it has to literally start with with the heart?

Speechless

I have been struggling lately with worthlessness; feeling like my prayers are falling on deaf ears; wondering if God has time for little ole me. Is he tired of me? Tired of the same prayers: There she goes again...
It is funny and not ha ha, how my mind does that to me; tells me that I'm not that important, or there is bigger things He is attending to. My plea is, well, just background noise in His to do list.
I woke one evening, or rather I was up late and waited for my husband to go out for his paper route and I sobbed. I cried out "I need you! I'm sinking..."
I let it all out, and in the morning I felt released. Though the stress was still there, I had a overall "I can do this attitude."
I had lunch with a dear friend, who so lovingly encouraged me. I met another for coffee. Both were cherished visits.
Friday I had plans with my Mom, which if you've been reading long that relationship is a work in progress. We were going to go to a craft show together. I love browsing. My daughter was with, so it was just us girls.  A rare treat. Mom had a big bag of caramel corn waiting for us. Yum.
After the craft show I needed to go to the jewelery store which is ONLY on that side of town to get my ring checked and a new back for some earrings, as we were driving over I saw JC Penny's and asked to stop there. I am in need of a new winter jacket. The one I've been wearing has broken the zipper twice, I got it repaired once at a tailor that cost nearly as much as a new jacket! As we were browsing the store I found some fun tops on clearance. After filling my arms we all headed to the fitting room. I worked my way through the pile. Some were pretty, some looked better on the hanger and one got oohs and ahhs from Mom and Butter. Everything goes through the filter want vs. need. The truth was I needed a new jacket, the top was pretty, but even for less then $15 it was taking away from the need. I put all the tops back on the rack and headed for the jackets. While I was trying things on I noticed my mom was holding the blouse. I asked her what she was doing with it and she said "I'm going to get it for you."
I laughed and said "Well I guess I know what I'm getting for Christmas!" She said "It's not for Christmas, I think you should have it."
This is a woman who will not go to the movies unless it is budgeted one month in advance!
I was shocked and humbled by her generosity.
Yesterday we got hammered with snow, it was a two plower. (meaning we had to plow/shovel twice in one day) So the mail never got brought in. We remembered the mail this afternoon. I received a card from the friend I had lunch with. In it she told me she felt God asking her to obey him by treating me to lunch, but that afternoon she decided to do it next time. She went on to say that he kept nudging her and within that card was a very generous "treat". It wasn't until I read her words that I started putting things together.
This weekend I was blessed in two very different ways, by two different people. People whom I could only except from that it was GOD's work, speaking to me about my worth, how He is taking care of me and that He LOVES me and I am deserving of His blessing.
As I clear the tears from my eyes, I can only say I am speechless.
I know that this struggle of worth will not end for me until I get to Heaven, but it's these times, His reaching down to remind me that I AM HIS, HE IS LISTENING, and I AM LOVED.
I am humbled, speechless and my heart is saying a millions praises.

Holding my thoughts captive.

            Yep.

  That is what I am working on.

         That is what I've been working on.

Holding my thoughts captive, and reminding myself how God sees me.

                            God                       

 Not my neighbor

  Not how I think society sees me.

Not my in-laws, out-laws, fancy paws or snore saws.

*Dr. Seuss would be proud.

God.

Gray

There's a theme going today...

 Lately I've been doing a lot of sitting around...

 Feeling like I got rocks in my head, like I have this weight...

wanting to spend all my time in bed...

Basically feeling alot like this little guy.

He looks like he's seen better days. Maybe he could use some TLC. I don't think he was forgotten on purpose, maybe he just got lost and decided to wait right where he got lost.

I've been feeling a bit gray, a bit lost and a bit tattered.

Life has a away of coming up and biting ya just where it hurts. For me it hits in the form of depression. I haven't talked alot about my struggle with it. It is a inner battle.

I had my break down in 2000, I went straight into treatment, where immediately upon entering I was given several drugs. I couldn't tell you what they were, all I could tell you was they made me sick. I was told if I went off the meds I'd have to leave to program. I took their meds for 3 days, and I hated being sick. I barfed, I was dizzy and tired all day, I couldn't put thoughts together let along talk about why I felt I needed to be there. I stopped taking the meds. My head cleared enough for me to realize I did not want to spend the rest of my life on meds.

This happened before I excepted Christ. Before I acknowledged that I was redeemed through his blood. Before I knew what forgiven meant. I finished the program, minus the meds. I found a counselor to continue therapy. Sue was a Christian, and she often talked about God in our sessions. I wanted to talk about all the crap I've lived through, dealt with, was still dealing with. At one point she said to me "I think we've talked about all there is to talk about, now it's time to do something."

I knew what she was implying, I had heard it before from counselors.

Walk away from the ones causing you hurt.

It was around this time that Rob and I started going to a different church. It was at this church I found Jesus waiting for me.

As I clung to my new found faith and embraced learning more about it, my depression lifted. Life was still hard but it wasn't unbearable.

I still have bouts of depression, usually in times of high stress.

This last month has been difficult for us, things at my husbands job changed, in a very big way.

He's looking for another job, which is not going so well.

We are once again fighting with the mortgage company, struggling to pay our bills.

Not the huge credit debt, or new car payments, no, just the electric, gas, water, taxes, grocery, the garage door opener broke we need a new one, the wash machine isn't working like it's suppose to and needs replacing...

Those are the bills. Those and the mortgage. Between our health insurance and our mortgage we don't have much left over.

I had myself a good cry one night, while my husband was out doing his paper route. Clarity is a wonderful thing, having peace in your heart is nearly as good as having money in the bank: as a matter of fact it IS money in the bank; the bank of your soul.

Pruning and growing is painful, but it needs to be done, or it will no longer bear fruit.

I like fruit. I want to be fruitful.

So yeh, I am in a gray patch right now, but there is always a rainbow. HE promises.

I had lunch with a dear friend yesterday, and as we were talking she told me to seek out verses that tell me who I am in Christ. She recognized that I was feeling unworthy and she reminded me who I was in her eyes. See, dear friends can do that, they can tell you things and you believe them, because these are the girls you trust, these are the people that WILL tell you, yes Virginia, that dress does make you look fat and then she'll hand you a fresh made cookie. I love my girlfriends.

 I DO have doubts about who I am in Christ, will HE listen to ME when I call out to him? Will my prayers be answered? Does he CARE about my situation among all of the other's who need him more?

It is easy to look to your friends, you can hear their voice, see them, touch them...

Faith is something we can not see; can not touch and is requires a lot from those that like control.

My faith is being tested, I know that. I know He is requiring me to lean into Him. I just wish it wasn't so hard to do. It all comes back to Thomas. I'm a Thomas; Thomasara. I'm not exactly proud to admit that.  My thick head and at times stubborn heart  has to see it, touch it in order to fully believe it.

I see things all over Blogland, how He is working, heck I have even seen it in my own life; but to feel completely worthy, good enough, deserving.

Where does THAT come from? I mean really? What wire in my head has shorted out? What valve in my heart is blocked?

I guess the only answer I can come up with is: The world.

Worldly life has taken precedence over devotion time. The only way I'll know what God is saying to me is if I spend time with him. So I better get off the blog and dig into the bible so I can cast off the grays and start seeing the rainbows.

Rock Tober

Is it me or has September gone awfully fast? I feel like we were just getting home from our family vacation and now the kids are bugging me about the The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

The school is calling to set up conferences already! Have they been in school that long?

I find myself wanting time to slow down.

Butter has lost the last of her baby teeth had to have the last of her baby teeth pulled this week.

When Butter was 2 1/2 she was jumping on the bed, holding something in her mouth, she fell off the bed knocked one of her teeth out, root and all and knocked the front tooth  completely back up into the gum, where we searched for an hour to find it and were told by the dentist after an x-ray that it was up in the gum.

Over time it did come back down, but never completely, so when it was time to get loose it hung on for dear life...like an entire year. I have pulled a few of her teeth simply because they were so loose and she wouldn't do it, but this one, oh my cookies it was stubborn and with the new one coming in behind it I decided I'd let the professional deal with it and her.

She was scared going in, but if you'd have asked her she would have told you no. She's like her Momma, we carry it inside. I told her I'd be right here and watched her walk away. Yes I could hear what was going on and my heart ached for my girl. She did such a good job. She handled it like a champ. As usual she was a bit upset about the blood, but relieved it was over. 

Here she is before: notice the tooth on the right is smaller and looks to be hanging much lower then the other? That is because it is actually pushed out, because the big tooth is coming in right behind/under it. The gap you see next to it was where she lost the tooth completely and there still is no sign of one coming in there.

VOILA!

Here she is two days after having it pulled, the bruising and redness are gone. She had school pictures the day after it happened so it will be interesting to see how they turn out. She is growing up right before my eyes! Gosh, I love those chubby cheeks! She has the sweetest eyes, but watch out; she can sass.

Even though October has snuck up on me, I'm feeling good. I'm ready to rock this month.

Not air guitar and Poisin/Aerosmith/Motey Crue; but collect all the rocks I've been holding on to:

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."

~ Isaiah 44:8

Pride, bitterness, unforgiveness

"Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?

~Jeremiah 23:29

Prideful spirit, Unwillingness to give over control, being disobedient.

and, "A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall." They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

~I Peter 2:8

Not pursuing my spiritual gifts and how God wants to use me.

"There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."

 ~I Samuel 2:2

There is hope, there is forgiveness, there is a strength to draw upon, but I haven't done it long enough. I love the quick fix. The instant gratification. Problem comes up, pray about it, it's fixed the next day.
Ta da!
I'm failing to except His perfect timing, and failing in that is causing me a ton of stress and worry that builds into frustration and then bitterness. Yep, I can get pretty bitter with God. In a lot of ways I am a rebellious teenager thinking she can do everything better...even though I have not made any Heavens, or Earthes or living creatures...instead, I've made mud. And it hasn't been very good mud. It never lasts, all it takes is one rain storm and whoosh, gone. 
So I'm going to ROCK this 'Tober...
I am going to lay all of my rocks down and let the Master Builder do His work. I am going to stop playing in the mud, I don't want to be dirty anymore. He's going to wash me up and build something strong in me so I won't melt into a pile of goop when the next storm comes.

Disappointment.

Disappointments can come in many forms:
Your favorite team looses it's game.
That pair of jeans you really wanted was just out of your price range. (Or worse you find THE perfect pair at the perfect price and they don't have anymore in your size!)
That batch of cookies you slaved over didn't turn out like you wanted...
A friendship fades...
You promised yourself you'd have more patience with the kids, and then you find yourself in that moment when patience was lost...
Your husband, though you reminded him a lunch, forgot the milk...again.
Why am I writing about disappointments?
Well, frankly, it's where I find myself these days.
Chalk it up to having expectations.
Chalk it up to thinking...maybe...this time...
Chalk it up to "that time of the month" or WHATEVER.
It really doesn't matter WHY or WHAT.
What matters is the  AND.
As in AND I'm gonna take it to the cross.
AND I'm gonna pray about it.
AND God promises to be my rock and salvation.
I could spend hours, pages complaining.
Life just isn't...blah blah blah.
Why can't things...blah blah blah.
BECAUSE; Life was never guaranteed to be unicorns and glitter, daisies and marigolds, beer and pizza. {that last was one for my hubby}
Life has and always will be about WHO we turn to. What we let hold our thoughts captive. What we let come out of our mouths...

For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45

There are days when I go to church and hear a message and my heart feels convicted to change instantly. There are other times when it sinks in, when I can feel it marinating inside. No quick response, just...knowledge; I guess you'd call it. Understanding.

Today, I was met with great disappointment, right before heading into church. It sucked, I have to admit, it made me feel like turning around and going home. I didn't want to worship. This mood was too big to bring here. {church} I was irked, the songs irked me, the worshiping irked me...fowl mood. My sweet husband read me, he knew...placed his hand on my knee as he always does, and willed me to be still.
I listened, though, antsy. Our pastor touched on transformation. What am I allowing to transform me in my life. I was allowing this disappointment to break my heart, to bleed me dry of my joy today.
I'm still digging through the band-aid box trying to find the right fit for this bleeder! But I know it will heal and I know that more disappointment will come; AND I KNOW that whatever bumps or bruises come my way I have a constant healer waiting...
Father God,
Thank you for mercies. I know that I choose to take most things on myself and that I need to do a better job of letting things go and giving them up to you. I could really use some toughing up. I'll work on the grip if you could dry up the tear ducts a little...
Remind me, stalk me with your holy spirit, to forgive those disappointments. Love when I want to complain, praise when I want to pout, forgive when I want to keep score! I need you, Father God.
I pray this in the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Caught up.

I'm not sure what you want me to say. I hear it a lot: "You haven't posted in a while."
"You need to post on your blog."
"Why haven't you posted?"
I guess I'm "caught up". I am caught up in the everyday things that must get done, or restructuring the finely crafted routine we had going.
Last week was unbelievably busy for me. We had something, or three things going on nearly everyday. I say "What weekend?" It felt like I spent most of my quality with my darn car!
Friday Butter was sick. Nothing major just a low grade temp, so she was home sick and Friday evening was Mayfest at Roo's school. A concert and fundraising auction. Saturday was a baby shower for my SIL out in the boondocks (80 minute drive round trip) I was in charge of dessert for our Sat. evening small group meeting at 4pm. Sunday, Mother's day, I spent driving to see my Mom for brunch, Which was very nice. I love her waffles and I try to make each moment with her count. I try to engage in conversation that requires thinking and telling stories and teaching about life...My sister was there too, with OUT her children, that's how she wanted to spend mother's day. She was on her phone texting the entire four hours we were there! We were playing a game with the kids and Mom was partnered with Sherri, who couldn't put her phone down. It was awful, the way she just was so absorbed in her own world. It made me angry, but I bit my tongue, someday, hopefully, she'll look back and see the wasted time. That is one thing I am caught up in changing. I don't want there to be ONE moment of WASTED time. So even though I was in the car, I used that time to talk to who ever was in the car with me. Or to talk to God...
Sunday evening then we went over to Rob's parents house for dinner, we were in charge of bringing the veggies. Again I just felt rushed, but I would not have changed any of it. We had a lovely dinner and then we went through old pictures. The kids got to see their Daddy sporting a mullet. Or as Uncle Chris likes to call it "Business in the front; Party in the back!"
Nope sorry that style is NOT coming back in this house. I will shave you in your sleep...
We looked at pictures of great grandparents and great great grandparents. I tried to get stories out of Mom, at one point I just asked "Can I get these pictures so I can make copies and we can sit down so I can write stories about them? I could give copies to Chris and Steven?"
Family history is important to me. I don't know very much about MY family. Nobody talks about anything. Or they are unwilling to share, which drives me BANANAS! If you don't share it, it will be lost forever. Case in point: I know we are somehow related to Judy Garland, HOW EXACTLY I couldn't tell you because the people that know are dead and close not to pass that on. Because they either stopped talking to that side of the family or were upset that she changed her name, or whatever. Who knows. I just know that the ruby slippers are part of my Mother's side family history.
I could defiantly get caught up listening to stories of how people grew up, what was childhood like and what would they tell their 10/12 year old self if they could go back in time?
I would tell myself:

• Your sister will never be your sister like you want her to be. Stop trying to please her and go make some friends.
• Your Dad is not a good role model, stop putting him on a white horse and wishing. GO get your love from Jesus because He's the one you should worship.
• Yes, Mother can be tough, she's gonna get tougher. Even roses have thorns.
• Your heart will break, a few times but God knows exactly who will understand and love you.
• Being a mother is HARD.
• Don't sass so much, you'll reap what you sow.
• BELIEVE in yourself, crowns and trophies tarnish, your heart never will!

On Saturday our small group finished our study called One Month to Live. I have been moved to live differently. I am proud to be a Christ follower. I am excited that I have been forgiven. I want to be changed, I like conviction. I don't need to be caught up in condemnation.

I want my relationships to be REAL. ENCOURAGING. TRUTHFUL.

I read in one of the chapters the difference between Goodness and Kindness. (I thought they were the same thing, I was wrong)

Goodness is recognizing a need. Something that needs to be changed. Pollution, Poverty...

Kindness is DOING something to MEET that need. Recycling, Not driving or littering, cleaning up the litter. Feeding the starving. Donating what you can, your time, talent or money.

You can be Good and not Kind, but you certainly can NOT be Kind and not good.

So I get caught up in "How can I be KIND today?"

I realized that my heart is the fullest, my soul the richest when I am being KIND.

So lets "catch up" in being kind to one another okay?