Opinions

Sometimes I am amazed over the need for people to share their opinions.
It is why I blog. It's a place for me to express my opinions.
That and I love to write.
You as the reader get to decide if it's worth your time to stop and read what the writer wrote.
And whether or not you are going to comment.
Last night I was given a good dose of opinions on facebook.
It started our with my vague status post:

I'm going to do it.

which was soon followed by a snarky comment by my brother in law:

"What get a job?"

I responded with:
being a chef, teacher, therapist, chauffeur, maid and nanny just isn't enough right?

He proceeded to tell me that being a mother doesn't pay the bills and when the "money tree dries up" I need to "bring something to the table" because his "Wife has the same job (as a mother) and works full time."
My reply to him was asking why he was dogging on me and if he had a problem with stay at home moms to go ahead and air it out.

A sweet friend of mine commented with encouragement for what ever I was going to do.
"go hardand with God" she said.

My next commenter though; came as a surprise. Firstly she is a friend of my husbands, thus I acquired her as a "friend". Secondly, her content.
She felt the need to express herself that she "is not less of a mother because I work. I help my husband support the family as a whole. Couples need to work together when times are tough. It  is not a one person job in today's economy."

What started out as a kind reply to a snarky comment became a full blow, what felt like to me, attack on my family's personal choices.
As I've said many times on this blog; From the beginning Rob and I always said we would be a one income family once we had children, and I being the skilled one in child care having been a nanny for 15+ years, would be the one to stay home.

I have also said We are so lucky to be able to do that.

I have also said that some women choose to work, because they feel that is where their skills are.
And sadly, for some women it is not a choice, but rather a fact of life.

When Rob and I first made our decision, he was working full time and getting yearly bonus'. As the economic climate changed so did the income. We adjusted. With every change, we adjusted.
Rob and I are great communicators. We respect each other and work well together at compromising.
We love each other deeply and rely on each other.
It became clear to me early on what would need to be done. (Let go of the house) But my husband wasn't ready. God revealed himself and we changed course. Then our world was rocked by the loss of Rob's job. God was asking us to trust him. Not halfway, not a little bit while we continued to charge on, but to trust him fully.
There is no where else to go when God takes away the one thing you cling to for control over your situation. Money.
Once we completely surrendered God lit a path for us. And it has been full of blessing.
These last few months, Our kids are in a better school district and thriving!  
We are renting so our bills have actually decreased in amount and size. We have actually been able to payoff a tremendous amount of debt. We have built a stronger foundation for our ourselves by leaning into God and holding tight to each other.

I feel like I am looked at as a lazy person for being "just" a stay at home mom. I feel like people think just because I'm not working outside the home that I don't provide for my family, and I certainly feel the judgement when somebody tells me: "I or my wife does all that and works."

Look, I'm not going to debate who works harder...
We all have to make sacifices for our beliefs and values.

Our values are that kids need a parent full time throughout their young lives, that is why I spent 15 years being a nanny and working in child care, because God gave me a heart for caring for kids.
God also brought a man into my life that was a perfect provider, whose heart was open to being a one income family and who valued one parent being the primary care giver.

I don't know when or how God is going to bring steady income back into our lives but I do know that he will, and it will be all that we need.

I  know that things are on my heart to try and just because there is not a check in the mail from them, doesn't mean they are any less worthy of trying out.
I am so honored to have a man that will stand up for me, for our family and for our choices. Even when the "world" is telling us different.
And even though Facebook encourages us to accept friends, sometimes the people that can't, don't or won't support you need to be released from the temptation to give their opinions. LOL!

Holding it together.

Navigating through this glop challenges me every.single.day.
We get a lead on a house and our calls go unanswered, or we finally see the place and let's just say a magician took the pictures. Or we booked for a showing with three other couples and feel like it's cattle call for renters.
Or, and this is the worst, we find out that the rental in question is a scam.
I've had a couple of these already, and thankfully God gives me a gut check every time one of these things comes up.
Friends who have talked to me say "You seem to be handling this well."
What other choice do I have? I have kids that are counting on me. They don't understand this.
I am afraid that we may be breaking a promise made to them to "try and stay in the school district." But the problem with that is, then which ever district we DO move into it will be the one the kids are in for the rest of their schooling. We do not want to change after this move.
As the days go on I am surprised but how one person can be so ill equipped at giving encouragement and then someone else can be unbelievably generous and only a friend of the family.
It's crazy.
I've seen the absolute best of some people and the absolute "truth" of others. Which makes me sad, not for me but for them. I think: "You are wasting this opportunity. You are choosing self over salvation."
Do I blindly think God will make this all work out and I have nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs and wait?
Absolutely not!
I am doing my best to follow promptings, keep my eyes focused on Him and continue on like the storm isn't raging outside.
I cried last night, prayed and when my husband came in and sat next to me. He asked if I was okay.
I said "I held it together long enough for today."
He said "For today? You've been holding it together since the beginning of this."
Yesterday was one of the more difficult days. We had a few showings and we both had hopes for them.
Both turned out to be a bust.
It is frustrating to then go home and face your children. When they ask you "Did you find a new house?"
All I can do is sigh and say "Not this time."
When inside I'm screaming "Lord, PLEASE. I can not do this! I could handle this if I just knew we had a place to go. A place we can afford, that will be perfect for this family!"
Instead I smile, biting my lip so the tears don't fall and say "Not this time. We'll find something."
Tomorrow we are having dinner with my family, it will defiantly be a test for me. They are extremely judgmental and critical. I am trying to strengthen my armor, because I am sure that the enemy is sharpening his spears for tomorrow.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from from the fatal plague. He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.~Psalm 91:1-4

Good and Clean

One of the things I struggle with is feeling good.
No, I'm not talking about my physical body feeling 100%, I'm talking about feeling like I'm a good person. Worthy. You know, nice, kind, someone people like and want to know more about, spend time with, pursue a relationship with. Good, as oppose to bad, mean, selfish. Someone that makes others uncomfortable, cold.
Today my mission was to spend time in Gods word. I read my daily reading.
Isaiah 40:1-2 was highlighted. It was in BOLD. Take note! Look at this! THIS is important!
Old testament bores me, mostly because I can't pronounce any of the names and frankly it's just kinda wordy. Just get to the point. The new Testament is when Jesus speaks. I like hearing Jesus.
Back to the BOLD print. (We were asked to pick one or two words to meditate on, here's what I CHOSE)
Comfort, comfort. Tell her that her sad days are gone and her sins are pardoned.
I am to take comfort! My sad days, I can let them go...I am pardoned.
So why the heck am I holding on to the saddness? Who knows! Let it go girl! You are pardoned.
Then I moved on to the New testament for the day Ephesians 1:14
The Spirit is God's guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised.
GUARANTEE!
I am guaranteed an inheritance. The spirit that lives and moves me is my guarantee that even though I may tick HIM off and do the wrong thing,say the wrong thing, hold on too tightly to what needs to be let go, I have an inheritance.
I am pardoned and I am FAMILY in the house of the Lord. He said I am worthy of inheritance, good enough to pardon. I am good.
OH, reckless heart of mine, believe in the promises God has made to you. Satan wants to bring you down, wants to remind you of your flaws and sins. He wants to make you feel unworthy of the grace of God. Take comfort, you are pardoned. Let the saddness go, let the worry you carry to fall to the ground like sand weighing you down. Straining your steps, stop looking at the stains, Like the clothes you washed full of blue crayon, it took time, it took many washings but the stains came out. Renewed, waiting to be washed again after wearing. GO, WEAR God today, you are clean and good in Him.

The Meeting

I was ready to let go of the past. Ready to take charge of MY life, stop trying to please the un-please-able. I arranged to meet a friend at a bar/restaurant. She had papers for me to legally change my name.

That morning I had had a huge fight with Mother. I know I hurt her deeply with my words. All I can say is that pain builds and builds without somewhere to put it...Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. I was seeking validation. I did not get any.

So I was very upset for our meeting. We were sitting at the bar, Connie knew the owners and we always sat there. People began going between us to order drinks. The place suddenly was full of people. I decided that the next person to come between us would get IT! I was going to act like I was handing them their drink and "accidentally" spill it on them.

As I reached for the glass, this voice or feeling said very clearly to me "DO NOT DO IT!" Nothing like that has ever happened to me. So naturally I worked up the nerve to try it again. "Sara! DO NOT DO IT!" That's when a hand reached out and grabbed the drink from my hand.

My hand was still on the glass, I turned around a peace just went through me. There was this guy with kind brown eyes. He smiled and said thanks. Connie started talking to him. I snapped out of my peaceful moment and remembered I was ticked off. He sat down next to me and kept talking. Hell-O so not interested.

Awhile later he asked for my number. I said NO. He wouldn't let up, so I told him where I'd be later. A little test to see how interested he was.

We were going to meet some more friends and see a local band at a different bar, across town. Nothing like making a guy work for it. Right ladies? See, I'm learning.

He said he'd see me there.

Yeah right buddy!

We went, I had a great time and forgot all my troubles. Around 12:30AM Connie asked if I thought that guy would show up. I told her I didn't care and was going to go to the bathroom, then I'd be ready to go. The place was packed!

When I came out, standing in the middle of the room with NO one else around there he was. He was even standing under a light so I could clearly see him. He saw me and I think my mouth was on the floor. It was like "choir of angels sing" moment.

"Hi Sara." He said "I'm Rob."

We spent the next hour and a half talking outside because the bar was closing. We exchanged numbers. I called him when I got home because I couldn't stop talking to the guy! He talked so naturally. He was kind- hearted. He came from a close knit family. At the center of that family was G'ma Ruth. A God fearing, generous, loving woman.

We talked everyday for hours and had our first date the following Tues. Three weeks later we were engaged. My feelings were so different. I kept thinking "What's WRONG with this guy?" He was just RIGHT. It totally threw me off. I did NOT trust it.

I later found out two things:

First: Connie gave him a card, while talking to him about brewing beer. It had MY number on it.

Second: He went to see his parents the next day and told them he found the girl he was going to marry. (Rob hadn't seriously dated anyone for 7 years until me.) He can even tell you exactly what I was wearing. I remember the song the band was playing Bruce Springsteen's 'She's The One."

We wed December 15, 2001

I took those vows knowing God was blessing this marriage. He brought me a name change like no other. That's how this all began, with me wanting a name change. But it was more than a name, it was the biggest step toward forever.

It started with the book series Left Behind. I thought I was a Christian. I was not. We had been attending this church. Eagle Brook. It was very different from the Lutheran churches we were used to going to. It was RELEVANT. I remember the Pastor asking if you haven't prayed this prayer about being a sinner and wanting Jesus to come into your heart. I did. When I looked at Rob and he said "I prayed that prayer did you?" He too was challenged to take the step and have assurance. His faithfulness came full circle. Mine opened to possibilities.

My first pregnancy was to be a test of my fledgling faith. Each time I went in for an appointment I was giving more bad news. But it wasn't hard fact, time would tell. I was put on bed rest at 32 weeks. I had weekly appointments with 2 different Doctors. Weekly sonograms. On Christmas Eve I developed Bells Palsy. (Where half your face looks like you had a stroke. And nobody can predict how long the side effects will last.) At 39 weeks I had a c-section because Nina was breech, I was contracting and losing fluid. Our daughter was born December 27, 2002

She was born prefect and healthy. We weren't sure she would be. My Bells Palsy cleared after two weeks.

The strain of that ordeal made me feel blessed. But also done. I didn't want more children. I couldn't go through that again. I became pregnant again, I couldn't tell you how! Seriously. I was filled with fear and with that came anger. After six months, I gave it up to God. This was on him. He obviously had a plan here. As the hurdles came and went with ease I began to soften.

Our son was born January 1, 2005

This is my favorite picture. But the honeymoon ended that night. I had horrible post-partum depression. Ugly thoughts. The nurses were vampires, I'd look into the bassinet and see a bloody corpse. I'd visualize myself throwing my baby out the window. Nina wouldn't sit on my lap and this baby was the reason she didn't like me. I was put on medication. I took myself off it 3 weeks later. ( I was later told that can be a side effect of the anesthesia) Nicholas cried all the TIME. My mother would tell me to "let him cry it out." My heart couldn't take this. I was his mother and nothing I did soothed this baby. Our pediatrician suggested a special blanket and using the swing. It's called the 'Miracle Blanket.' It swaddles babies up tight.

Really tight, so they can feel like they did in the womb. They can't flail out of it. I'd wrap him in this blanket, place him in the swing going full speed. He would sleep. For hours! For 7 months this is how he slept. I finally, finally felt love toward this child. It was at this time I hit my knees and thanked God for NOT listening to me and knowing what would make us a family. Complete to His plan. Not comfortable for mine.

Our faith deepened. God spoke to us again. We were baptized together the summer of 2006

I share this with you because today is the day I celebrate my new life beginning.

October 7, 2001

The day I met my husband.

The day God spoke my name and I obeyed.

 

This Day

So I'm listening to my ipod. It's on shuffle. I came across a song I haven't heard in ages. I couldn't find it on the playlist site and have no idea if I can legally take it from my ipod and put it up on here. So you won't be able to hear it. Just read it. Please. And know that my hearts is saying these words to you.

Point of Grace

This Day

This day is fragile, soon it will end

And once it has vanished it will not come again.

So let us love with a love pure and strong

Before this day is gone.

This day is fleeting, when it slips away

Not all our money can buy back this day

So let us pray that we might be a friend

Before this day is spent.

This day, we're given is golden

Let us show love

This day is ours for one moment

Let us sow love

This day is frail it will pass by

So before it's to late to recapture the time

Let us share love let us share God

before this day is gone

Before this day is gone.

Now for the little treat to wipe away your tears of love.

Replace them with tears of laughter...on me!

And you thought you were good at balancing all that life throws your way!

Squirrel got game!