A decade later.

I have posted the story of how we met before here:

These last ten years have changed my life in so many ways.

I learned to trust.

I learned to let go.

I learned to hang on.

I learned to accept love, both divine and earthly.

I learned to wait.

I learned to be.

This picture is the first of us together. It was taken on our trip to San Francisco.

I remember this trip vividly, firstly because no man has ever said to me:

"I want to take you to a place that means a lot to me."

And then moments later booked the trip and paid for it.

I was used to having to provide for myself. If I wanted something; a new bike, a car, an apartment, some new shoes, I had to save up for it and buy it myself. A vacation or trip was out of the question. There just wasn't that kind of money in my wallet.

I felt cheap. I felt unworthy of such an extravagant trip.

Rob was such a gentlemen and so generous. I felt spoiled, for the first time in my life.
It was very difficult, almost like not being able to take compliments.
I didn't know how to except generosity.

The other reason I remember this trip, is for what we didn't do. Usually when a couple goes "away" together it means the relationship is moving to a physical level.

From the moment I met Rob, I felt very protective of that part of me. I had used sex as away to feel wanted, important, loved. When it was over I felt even more empty. With Rob there was something different. He never tried to woo me. He never tried to kiss me or gave me any kind of sign that he was attracted to me. I thought there was something wrong with me at one point! He was content just talking, getting to know me or  just holding my hand.

I was afraid that if I went with him, the bubble would pop. I wouldn't be who he thought I was, who I wanted to be for him.

That trip had nothing to do with sex. Nothing.

It was him showing me a part of himself and me coming out of myself and a trust building between us.

I moved into Rob's place just three weeks after we had met. It was just after we had gotten engaged.

Most girls have a pretty tale to tell about their proposal. Mine was plain. Simple.

We had been together everyday for nearly three weeks. I kept thinking: What is wrong with this guy? Everything feels so right, so there has to be something wrong!

Rob is easy. He is easy to talk to, easy to be around, easy to get along with.

I am not easy to get along with, I am stubborn and I can be selfish, I share my opinion.

I decided to test him.

I have had two long-term boyfriends and neither of them wanted to go near a jewelry store.

So while we were out bumming around one Saturday I said "Let's go in here."

Easy Rob said "Sure." and held my hand tighter.

Hmmm, there was no sweat out breaks, no hyperventilating.

In fact he led me to the engagement rings. I didn't want to be obvious, I also didn't want my arm yanked off from panic.

I browsed, never really having an opinion. (I know, I KNOW, but I wasn't going to go gaga over something that wasn't even in the cards.)

He chose one, I said it was nice. I saw another one and said "What about that one?"

He nodded and asked to see it. He asked for diamonds.

He asked what shape I liked.

I kept it very non-committal.

There on my finger was this gorgeous ring and this massive, sparkly diamond. I thought I would faint. I had never in my wildest dreams thought I'd actually HAVE something like that. That big, that fancy, that over the top out of my price-range dream of a ring. Or the amazing guy asking if I liked it!

It was fun to play dress-up. Indeed.

We left the store and headed over to the Gap. I remember it was the Gap because he had said he needed jeans. While we were in the store I got a call from my girlfriend. She asked what I was doing and I told her how we were just at the jewelry store. It felt weird telling her. After I got off the phone Rob pulled me aside and said "You really liked that ring huh?"

I just laughed and said sure who wouldn't.

He led me out of the store, I mentioned he hadn't gotten his jeans,
he said "I'm buying something else instead."

My mind was like Mmmkay, we're going to get jeans somewhere else.

But my heart was straining to keep from over reacting.

He led me back to the jewelry store and went straight for the gal that had been helping us.

"How much do I need to put down for that ring?"

I think I about passed out. He saw the look on my face and said
 "I thought you liked that ring? Do you want to look some more?"

I couldn't speak. WHAT?! WAIT! HUH?

You don't just buy a ring like that if your not serious.

He was staring into my eyes, questioning.

"Sara? We've talked about it..."

Uh yeah we did, but it was talking, you know how people talk and people say things to provoke stuff, or sound braver then they are, or say things because they are afraid of losing someone.

Sure we talked about marriage, and being married and having children and and and...

I just hadn't ever been so sure of something so quickly, I mean I had done some pretty dumb things all because I was in a hurry.

Yet, here was this guy looking at me in a jewelry store and he was saying this is it, I don't need to think about it, or wait, I'm ready.

All I could do was nod. I was speechless.

Once we got in the car, he took my hands and said "Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"Well, because I didn't propose, you know, surprise you?"

"Oh, I couldn't be more surprised."

"Well, it's going to take me some time to pay for it, but I promise you, I will surprise you when I get it."

I just nodded.

I think maybe a week had gone by and I had this nagging feeling about the ring. Time had sunk in that he wanted to marry me and he had a ring and because I had agreed to it we were on course to get married.

I went back to the jeweler, I wanted to see the ring again;  I needed to really see it.
I realized it wasn't me. The ring was perfect, it was the diamond. It was too big. I didn't need that weight, he didn't need that debt all because he loved me so much that he wanted to give me something MORE then I needed. I asked for another diamond, smaller, half the size. Still too big for me, but not for him. The jeweler reminded me he picked the diamond that HE wanted to give me. I knew what it meant to him to give me that other diamond, the big one. It was my dreams, but I hadn't believed they'd come true, so I kept them small. He wanted them to be bigger, because he knew he could make them come true.

That night when he got home from work he told me he had gotten a call saying I changed the ring.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with the diamond, and he reminded me that I had always said I wanted it big. I laughed and said "Every girl says that! But nobody can afford them!"

He told me he wanted me to move in. He had roommates at the time and I asked about them.

He told me he had already talked to each of them the week before. I reminded him that we had only just bought the ring...

He laughed and said "Sara, I was already looking at rings. You just made it easier to choose."

I had no idea this man was already planning our future. I was still coming to terms with the fact that I liked spending so much time with him and how could he be so nice, generous, loving.

Our first Christmas together, was wonderful. I love this picture. It reminds me of when I came to the realization that I wanted this man to be with me forever. One of his roommates and Rob had planned a trip to the virgin islands before we had met. In December, Rob left for a week. ( you can see who is pale and who is tan!) I was home alone and left to take care of the hot tub. I didn't know you had to keep the water level up. It got low and froze and cracked the tub. This man came home to a broken hot tub and he wasn't angry at all. In fact he was apologetic to me for causing me so much stress and worry.

Shortly after my depression hit. I had struggle with it for years and never knew exactly what it was.

*I will save that for another post.

I never could have gone through it without him.

I could never have imagined how these last 10 years were going to turn out.

Or how blessed he has made my life.

Our faith is stronger together.

Our lives richer.

We have two beautiful children together.

And there is even a new ring.

And that too is another tale.

Dedicated to the best~est friend a girl could ever have,

The tenderest lover a woman could hope for,

the gentlest father to have babies with,

The generous man to share a life with

 and the biggest fan to ever support this dreamers dreams!

I love you Babe.

The Box

My family likes to tell a story about me and a box; but they never tell it right. See to them it's funny, it's meant to embarrass me in some way because, well what kid actually hides in a box?

The story usually goes like this: Ha ha remember that time Sara hide in that box and we couldn't find her? How we looked everywhere and turns out she was in a box the whole time? Yeah, so if you ever can't find Sara, ha ha, look through your boxes.

Ba dum bum!

That sure is a cute story. (insert sarcasm)

No, see they have it all wrong, and by all wrong I mean I knew exactly what I was doing. There was a reason I was hiding and they couldn't find me.

This is my story about the day I hid in a box.

I was 12 years old and life was not pleasant. Our Mom had just kicked our Dad out of the house, my body was changing and I had know idea what that meant and things with my sister were at an all time low.

Because my Mom's focus was no longer on our Dad, she turned it on Sherri, who, you know at 14, all she wanted to do was sneak out and sneak around with boys. So being grounded kinda screwed up her life, and since her life was screwed, she thought it best to take me down with her, or at least make me more miserable then she was.

Often times Mom wasn't home. I would get locked up under the stairs so Sherri wouldn't have to look at me. When she was feeling generous she'd let me stay out and endure her constant swearing and belittling me. How stupid I was, how ugly I was, how my body was gross and there for no boy would ever want me.

Yep, good times.

Sherri was allowed to babysit in our neighborhood. Since she was older she got all the calls. But I wasn't allowed to stay home alone, for whatever reason, Mom never allowed this. So if Sherri had to go babysit, I had to go with.

The kids always liked me better, I played with them, I comforted them, I read to them and tucked them in. All the while Sherri would be on the phone. Then she started inviting her friends over and hanging out outside, while I was inside tending to the kids. Then she realized, hey I don't need to be here, Sara does just fine and all I need to do is come back and collect the money.

This happened over and over again, and when I tried to tell my Mom she would say "Oh Sara, Sherri doesn't leave you in charge. It's not your job, so you won't be paid."

I hated being treated like a kid. I hated when I wasn't believed. I hated being taken advantage of.

Mom was away for a weekend and Sherri was left in charge. She also had a full schedule of babysitting to do. Which meant I had to go with, do all the work and not get a single cent for it.

I devised a plan. Knowing this was coming, I rearranged my room. I had a box in my room that I kept all of my stuffed animals in, it was the size of a rectangular toy chest without a lid. Weeks before this weekend, I turned that box upside down, cut out a little square and made it look like a make shift dog house. I placed a few stuffed animals inside the box and one large one right in the little door way. The rest I stacked on top of the box in a nice neat order. Weeks went by and finally the weekend that Mom was gone came. Sherri needed to be over at the B family's house at 2pm. I made sure she saw me eat lunch, after which she informed me I was to go NO WHERE, she was going to walk down and meet her friend and then when she got back we were going over to the B's house.

After she left, I went in my room, took all the animals off and out from under the box. I crawled inside and using the hole I replaced all the animals back on top of the box and replaced the big dog in the whole. I was completely concealed in the box. I could hear when she came home. When she looked around and couldn't find me, she was angry. She started looking everywhere, she called her friends to search the neighborhood, the friend that was there with her told her to try and get the smoke detector to go off thinking it would scare me out. I could hear everything they were saying, I was right there, you just couldn't see me. I just waited and waited and waited. Finally the phone rang and it was the family asking where she was. I knew she had to go, she knew she couldn't call Mom and she knew she would be suck babysitting that night instead of going out like she had planned.

Once the coast was clear I came out. I felt sheer triumph. I refused to answer the phone knowing it was Sherri trying to get a hold of me. Around 9pm I heard the garage door go up. I thought that was a bit early for Sherri to be home, usually it was till at least 10pm. In walked my Mom into the house. She was livid. My sister had called her and told her I ran away. Mother cut her trip short to come home and here I was watching a movie and eating popcorn and not where I was suppose to be.

I tried to tell her again about the babysitting and how I wasn't going to do it anymore and this way Sherri had to stay there. Mother marched me straight over to where Sherri was and demanded Sherri verify what I told her. Of course Sherri lied. So we waited for the parents to come home and My mom asked them if Sherri had been the babysitter. Of course they didn't know anything about it, because Sherri always made sure she was back in time to collect the money and act like she'd been there the whole time. I got a licking that night.

The next day the mother of the three kids came over to the house. She had told my mom that she talked to her kids and they told her that Sherri often left and that is was me that stayed and played with them. I was shocked. Finally someone believed me and there was proof.

She looked my sister in the face and told her exactly what she thought of Sherri and she would never let her babysit again, she also scolded her saying Sherri should pay me all the money back and she apologized to me for such a bad treatment and asked if I'd be their babysitter from now on.

Mother asked me again and again where I had been that day and I refused to tell. It wasn't until years later when I caught Sherri telling the story about how I had run away and she wished I had kept running...it was then I told her I hadn't run away, I was in my room under the box. She had to think long and hard to remember what box I meant. She couldn't believe what a dumb hiding spot that was.

But see, it wasn't so dumb. Her schemes got busted, she got what was coming to her and I finally got freedom from her tyranny. All as a twelve year old girl, whom I happen to think was quite clever to plan that all out and fool someone older and "ahem" wiser.

Sure I'll hide in a box, if it means the truth will come out.

The Meeting

I was ready to let go of the past. Ready to take charge of MY life, stop trying to please the un-please-able. I arranged to meet a friend at a bar/restaurant. She had papers for me to legally change my name.

That morning I had had a huge fight with Mother. I know I hurt her deeply with my words. All I can say is that pain builds and builds without somewhere to put it...Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. I was seeking validation. I did not get any.

So I was very upset for our meeting. We were sitting at the bar, Connie knew the owners and we always sat there. People began going between us to order drinks. The place suddenly was full of people. I decided that the next person to come between us would get IT! I was going to act like I was handing them their drink and "accidentally" spill it on them.

As I reached for the glass, this voice or feeling said very clearly to me "DO NOT DO IT!" Nothing like that has ever happened to me. So naturally I worked up the nerve to try it again. "Sara! DO NOT DO IT!" That's when a hand reached out and grabbed the drink from my hand.

My hand was still on the glass, I turned around a peace just went through me. There was this guy with kind brown eyes. He smiled and said thanks. Connie started talking to him. I snapped out of my peaceful moment and remembered I was ticked off. He sat down next to me and kept talking. Hell-O so not interested.

Awhile later he asked for my number. I said NO. He wouldn't let up, so I told him where I'd be later. A little test to see how interested he was.

We were going to meet some more friends and see a local band at a different bar, across town. Nothing like making a guy work for it. Right ladies? See, I'm learning.

He said he'd see me there.

Yeah right buddy!

We went, I had a great time and forgot all my troubles. Around 12:30AM Connie asked if I thought that guy would show up. I told her I didn't care and was going to go to the bathroom, then I'd be ready to go. The place was packed!

When I came out, standing in the middle of the room with NO one else around there he was. He was even standing under a light so I could clearly see him. He saw me and I think my mouth was on the floor. It was like "choir of angels sing" moment.

"Hi Sara." He said "I'm Rob."

We spent the next hour and a half talking outside because the bar was closing. We exchanged numbers. I called him when I got home because I couldn't stop talking to the guy! He talked so naturally. He was kind- hearted. He came from a close knit family. At the center of that family was G'ma Ruth. A God fearing, generous, loving woman.

We talked everyday for hours and had our first date the following Tues. Three weeks later we were engaged. My feelings were so different. I kept thinking "What's WRONG with this guy?" He was just RIGHT. It totally threw me off. I did NOT trust it.

I later found out two things:

First: Connie gave him a card, while talking to him about brewing beer. It had MY number on it.

Second: He went to see his parents the next day and told them he found the girl he was going to marry. (Rob hadn't seriously dated anyone for 7 years until me.) He can even tell you exactly what I was wearing. I remember the song the band was playing Bruce Springsteen's 'She's The One."

We wed December 15, 2001

I took those vows knowing God was blessing this marriage. He brought me a name change like no other. That's how this all began, with me wanting a name change. But it was more than a name, it was the biggest step toward forever.

It started with the book series Left Behind. I thought I was a Christian. I was not. We had been attending this church. Eagle Brook. It was very different from the Lutheran churches we were used to going to. It was RELEVANT. I remember the Pastor asking if you haven't prayed this prayer about being a sinner and wanting Jesus to come into your heart. I did. When I looked at Rob and he said "I prayed that prayer did you?" He too was challenged to take the step and have assurance. His faithfulness came full circle. Mine opened to possibilities.

My first pregnancy was to be a test of my fledgling faith. Each time I went in for an appointment I was giving more bad news. But it wasn't hard fact, time would tell. I was put on bed rest at 32 weeks. I had weekly appointments with 2 different Doctors. Weekly sonograms. On Christmas Eve I developed Bells Palsy. (Where half your face looks like you had a stroke. And nobody can predict how long the side effects will last.) At 39 weeks I had a c-section because Nina was breech, I was contracting and losing fluid. Our daughter was born December 27, 2002

She was born prefect and healthy. We weren't sure she would be. My Bells Palsy cleared after two weeks.

The strain of that ordeal made me feel blessed. But also done. I didn't want more children. I couldn't go through that again. I became pregnant again, I couldn't tell you how! Seriously. I was filled with fear and with that came anger. After six months, I gave it up to God. This was on him. He obviously had a plan here. As the hurdles came and went with ease I began to soften.

Our son was born January 1, 2005

This is my favorite picture. But the honeymoon ended that night. I had horrible post-partum depression. Ugly thoughts. The nurses were vampires, I'd look into the bassinet and see a bloody corpse. I'd visualize myself throwing my baby out the window. Nina wouldn't sit on my lap and this baby was the reason she didn't like me. I was put on medication. I took myself off it 3 weeks later. ( I was later told that can be a side effect of the anesthesia) Nicholas cried all the TIME. My mother would tell me to "let him cry it out." My heart couldn't take this. I was his mother and nothing I did soothed this baby. Our pediatrician suggested a special blanket and using the swing. It's called the 'Miracle Blanket.' It swaddles babies up tight.

Really tight, so they can feel like they did in the womb. They can't flail out of it. I'd wrap him in this blanket, place him in the swing going full speed. He would sleep. For hours! For 7 months this is how he slept. I finally, finally felt love toward this child. It was at this time I hit my knees and thanked God for NOT listening to me and knowing what would make us a family. Complete to His plan. Not comfortable for mine.

Our faith deepened. God spoke to us again. We were baptized together the summer of 2006

I share this with you because today is the day I celebrate my new life beginning.

October 7, 2001

The day I met my husband.

The day God spoke my name and I obeyed.

 

The Lead In...

The lead in is the back story of how Rob and I met.
If you would have asked me 18 years ago who I wanted to marry I would have told you 2 things:
#1 Joe McIntyre (Of New Kids On The Block)
#2 Johnny B. (my high school sweetie of 7 years!)

Neither one of those worked out. Young love, so innocent.

I went out to Boston. I was a nanny.

I found myself, I also found a bit of summer fun. It wasn't meant to be either. (Boston is a story for another time...)

I longed to be wanted, cherished. Every girl does right?

Then came "Ramon".

He was my "project". I could change him right?

NO. I had to get a cat to get rid of him.

Young, naive and lonely I fell for "Mr. Liar Liar pants on fire!" See, he told me this sob story of how he was getting divorced.
I know I should have been smarter than that. I wised up quickly and NEVER looked back.
I was starting to feel like an old maid!

Next we have "ISH".

He was smarmy, smooth, ishy. I was easy prey. He wanted what ishy men want...He talked about wanting to get married, I was yet another test drive. I knew ONE thing. ISH wasn't what I wanted.

I wanted commitment, forever, I was not going to settle for whatever was offered. But WHAT exactly was marriage material?

I longed to be CHERISHED. (I didn't know Christ yet, he came later too.)
So how DO you know what is right?
I spent too many dates wondering is this the "right" guy?
Time and again my answer was no, sometimes it took a long time to "get" it.
I have Daddy issues. He didn't make me feel safe and loved. He proved to be selfish and mean.
I have Mother issues. We don't see eye to eye. She runs a pageant.

And all my life, I have felt, if only I had a crown to wear, she would love me. (That's me second row, second from left. I put myself through this torture not once but 3 times! I did win Miss Congeniality once though.)

This is the lead in...tomorrow I will take you on a journey God had planned for me, my whole life long and it was up to me how the story went!

*Side Note* As I'm looking back at these pictures, I notice how obscenely happy I look. Oh, how hard I tried to be happy with what I had. I could even fake myself out.

It sad to see. I wish I could go back and tell that sweet young women to hold on and for Goodness sake,hold out for more!

Nick-A-Roo

So we are unto Nicholas' nickname. I wasn't exactly excited when I found out we were expecting another baby. Nina was only 15 months and that pregnancy was still to fresh for me to be anywhere near happy about it. (I was terrified through out Nina's.) What if it all happened again, and then some??? It turned out it was much less stressful. My doctor, Dr. Campbell, was so honest and caring with me. He put me right at ease. My first ultrasound was at 13 weeks. I saw the tiny peanut shape and thought to myself. "Hello little boy." I would have noway of knowing what it was for several more months. Then in a room full of grandparents and us. The nurse moved the scanner and I said "It's a boy." right to her, she smiled at me and someone said "What?" I hadn't spoken loud enough. "It's a boy!" I called out. Rob was beyond ecstatic. Where Nina was suck under my ribs and would push out against my side, Nicholas kicked and bumped me. We had Nina's birthday party and one of my friends had said to me "You are going to go early." This was true. I was due January 11 and was scheduled for January 4 to do a repeat c-section. She told me "No. I mean earlier then that." It was December 30th. How much earlier was she talking about? Well, January 1 came and I felt crabby and tired all day. The weather was horrible. There was an ice storm. Around 4pm I told Rob something was going on, I didn't "feel" right, that I thought I might be in labor. We called the doctor on call and he told us to come in and get checked out. Oh, yeah sure, in an ice storm! We made some calls to family and went in. I was giving shots to stop the contractions, they came back stronger and quicker then the last. I had HAD IT! I snapped at the nurse (around 9pm or so) "Get Dr. Campbell in here! This kid is coming out tonight!" She asked if I would like to try for a V-BAC. WRONG QUESTION!

C-SECTION. NOW! I replied. It seemed like forever, then I was in the operating room. At 11:32PM Nicholas Robert Cox jumped out of my belly. Yes, that is right, I said jumped. As Dr. Campbell reached in to grab him he launched himself out of my belly. He is a jumper. For the longest time after he was born he would ONLY sleep in the swing with it going top speed. So his name is Roo, after Kanga's little Roo in Winnie the Poo. He now likes to jump on beds and off the furniture. Trust me when I say lecturing him on the dangers of it is pointless. He won't listen. I'm pretty sure one of these blog's will be Nicky' trip to the ER...

Notice the helmet is on the bike and not on his head. We have a rule, Shoes and helmet are to be worn when on the bikes. It is tough to police everything. Do you notice the hedge trimmer in the back, on the picnic table? I am horrified at the sight. This is why I rarely let them out! (I am joking.) But it IS why I worry so much.

And this one. That is a craftsman chainsaw and goggles he got for Christmas last year. Everyone thought it cute that he plays with his toy and knew just what to do with it! Ummm, I see that in no time at all the toy won't be good enough and He'll use Daddy's real one! Have I mention he really likes to play in the car? Often times I'll get in it and lights are flashing, wipers are going the seats been moved! Do any of you have this too?

Seriously, the only thing I worry about with Nina is if she's lost her Barbie clothes and where is the clip I had in her hair that morning.

God, however did give me a boy. He is a joy for the most part to watch grow. He is my sweet, funny and loving Roo.