Saturday, August 29, 2009

My brain on panic!

What is this pain in my chest?
Why does it feel so heavy. (adjust myself)
Argh, my heart burns.
How can I have heartburn I haven't eaten much today?
Is my heart racing?
"Rob time me when I point to you and tell me stop at 6 seconds."
"Do it again."
point.....STOP.....was that 80 or 90?....doesn't matter that is fast.
Why is my heart racing? I'm not DOING anything.
Continue watching Wizards of Waverly Place movie with family.
UH, my chest feels heavy!
What are the symptoms of a heart attack?
Go look on the computer.
"Where you going?" Rob asks.
"Downstairs, I'll be right back."
Google....googling...heart attack heart attack...symptoms...oh for crying out loud just give me the SYMPTOMS!...
Heaviness in the chest...CHECK
Sharp Pain in chest...Nope don't have that.
Dizziness or lightheaded feeling...CHECK
Pale...How would I know? I feel hot...
Sweaty palms...CHECK
Pain in arms, back, neck, jaw...Well, I guess my back feels like menstrual cramps.
Nausea and or heartburn feeling...CHECK. BOTH.
HOLY...Am I having a heart attack??????
Slowly but quickly go up stairs.
"What?" looks at my face. "What's WRONG?"
"I don't know..." start crying "I have the symptoms of a heart attack."
"I'm calling!"
"Wait! What if it's not? What if it's just heartburn?"
"Does it feel like heart burn?"
"Yes. But heavy too."
"Pain in your arm?"
"No. No pain but they feel tingly."
"I'm calling!"
"Wait! What if it's not?"
"Sara, seriously, I'm gonna call."
Now I'm really crying.
What if I'm wrong and they come out and think, "Oh, here's a lady who needs attention."
I hope they don't come blaring the sirens, oh how embarrassing...
"Do you want ME to talk? I can talk to them!"
I need to brush my teeth! What if I have bad breath! My hair looks like crap, I let the kids play with my hair!
Listening to Rob explain how I'm feeling...
Maybe it's NOT a heart attack...maybe it's in my head.
ARGH, why does it feel so heavy to breath! Just breath.
"Yes, 35. High Blood pressure..."
What if I am, what if they have to wheel me out.
Oh God they'll have to carry me down the stairs.
Nicholas~"I hear sirens! I SEE sirens! They are coming...They are at OUR house! They are heres!"
Crap I didn't brush MY TEETH!
I don't want to die in front of my kids! I don't want them to be scared.
I don't want my husband to see me like this...
"Hi, Mam, how you doing tonight?"
"Not good."
"You are not pale that's a good sign."
Hooks up blood pressure cuff 148/97. WHAT?
Other guy asking med history.
"Okay Sara, I'm going to put these stickers on. It's free sticker Friday!"
this ain't FREE, oh he's going to be going up my shirt. Why couldn't I have left my BRA on!
Phew, he didn't even nick a boob...nice.
Please please please be okay...
talking amongst themselves, sounds positive.
"Okay, Sara, here's the deal, from what we are seeing you look fine. Now If you'd like, we can take you in , they'll run some more tests."
No, I didn't imagine that stuff! SHHH quiet listen to them.
"You are having chest pains and that is serious, but if you'd like to wait and see how the night goes, you can always call back, it may not be us that come..."
I don't want to go. I'll just look even more stupid.
But what if it hasn't happened yet! and happens after a while and I should have gone.
$$$$$$$$. This is going to cost a small fortune. It'll only go up if I go.
They said it looked good, if they were worried, I'd already be in the ambulance.
"If you were worried..."
"We'd already be gone Mam."
I look to Rob. The kids are dancing around. Dog barking in the bedroom locked up.
"We can call if anything changes." He says.
I'm an idiot.
NO I'm not I'm scared!
"The first thing I'd do for you is give you aspirin. Maybe take a tums or something." The first guy says.
I need to sign a waiver saying I denied going. They leave. Rob gets the kids to bed. We lay in bed while I dictate what I want in case I die. Rob plays light, "No gonna happen..."
"Please, let me get this out so you KNOW."
Details and requests.
"I'll haunt you if you don't..."
"I'll haunt you if you do..."
Then I start praying. Not that I hadn't been praying BEFORE, just now, that's ALL I let my mind do. And it is HARD to keep it locked in.
I also reminded Rob he will have to write my blog if something happens...
Funny what pops in a out of your head in panic.
I am not afraid to die. I'm more afraid of living. Reading what's been going on lately...I HATE what is happening in this world. However, that in no means , means I WANT to die. I also don't want to live in this state of anxiety, feeling uncertain of my own body. It is most disturbing. I am going to go google panic attacks and anxiety now, Maybe I need a good medication for that!
Sometimes the body knows things before the mind. I'm hoping this was just a glitch in the system and now I just have to reboot.

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