I have been in a state of reflection. Who's approval am I trying to win? I've been worried about what everyone else thinks too much.
Linda has a great post today about what song is speaking to you. For me, lately Natalie Grant's The Real Me. (Thanks Linda for opening the conversation...)
Loosening my grasp...No need to mask my frailty...because YOU (Lord) see the real me.
I went to bed feeling restless. It was a strange and tiresome day. Our freezer was left open, all day and over night. One of the kids was in it and didn't close it tightly. Errrrr.
I had a doctor's appointment. My female yearly visit. Rob called at 8:20AM he wouldn't be able to get home to stay with Roo. (My appt was at 9:20AM) double Errrrr!
My doctor and I discussed me going on anti-anxiety meds. At this time I am choosing NOT to. The side effects worry me. Ha ha ha, that's funny right there. Do you see that? I'm worried...about the side effects...the whole point of the meds is to help me NOT worry. Okay, that was lame. Made me laugh though.
I took Roo to meet his new preschool teachers. He wouldn't talk to them, he was more interested in playing. Until The teachers asked "What does he like to be called?"
I normally let the kids speak for them selves on this. They asked him "Would you like us to call you Nicholas or Nick?"
Deadpan: "You can call me NICK. Cause I going to be a Wock star!" showing them his air guitar/drum solo /rocker fingers dance.
mmmmmk. They look at me. I nod and mumble "The Jonas brothers." They nod knowingly.
The kid is FUNNY. I heart that boy. (just not when he's peed his pants for the second/third or fourth time in the day.)
Topping off the day:
I turned away a stranger that was hurt, because I didn't want to get involved. (I believe alcohol and/or drugs were involved.) I'll I could do was stammer "I can't help you if you are drinking." I could have called the police, but then I would have been left to try an explain the situation, which I didn't even know myself. My neighbor tried in vain to help, he ended up just walking away. I couldn't walk away, I was waiting for my daughter to come home. I wasn't going to NOT be outside when she got off the bus. All I kept thinking was just LEAVE! Go AWAY! Nobody can help you...
Really Sara? NoBODY?
I have great confidence in you: I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged, in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds. 2 Corinthians 7:4
He kept asking to come in my home and wait. NO freaking WAY. My son was in there. It was bad enough he was in my yard.
His mother, another neighbor had once told me, "My son comes here from time to time. If he causes trouble just call the police."
He was causing trouble for ME. But the Police? Then what? All he needed to do was go back to where he came...
Yes, I DID think that. I know, I'm disgusting. HE is not encouraged today.
Did I pray in that moment, in those moments of dealing with this man? Yes, but I am ashamed to say I prayed he would just go away, let me get my daughter off the bus and we would go in the house, closing the doors and locking them behind us. While this man bled from a cut on his face.
What would YOU do? Would you have helped him? Called the police? (to call, would have meant I had to go back inside the house: Which he A) could have followed me and B) if he stayed that would have meant he would be out there alone with Butter as she got off the bus.) As long as I stayed OUTside, both my children were protected from this situation.
I am a sensitive person. When others are hurting I tend to want to help. Not this time though. There wasn't an ounce of that in me this time. I wasn't scared, I just was indifferent. Two possibly drink or high men fighting about who "attacked" who first. I didn't need to get into that. There was no rational adult to talk to. There was a group of punks, I mean kids nearby. They were laughing at these two. What is wrong with them? Egging these two guys on? Seriously, it could have went from stupid to DANGEROUS in no time if one or both of these men had weapons. They just kept skate boarding, riding their bike spewing vulgar words.
O Lord you have searched me and you know me. I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. Psalms 139:1,14 &15a
Butter's bus should BE here any minute.
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I'm sure there was nothing "delightful" about my inaction.
I was first startled, bewildered and then annoyed. Unsympathetic. ME, unsympathetic.
What were you trying to show me in this?
That evening I got a call from my former Mom's group leader. They are starting up again. I hadn't gone last year. The juggling was too much. This year I had been hoping it would work out better.
An answer to a prayer. I so need to get into a study again.
Has there ever been a time when you did not act? When I was 17 I gave this guy the Heimlich because he was choking. It was at a Perkins, just like out of the CPR movies.
Somebody shouts "HELP He's choking!" Nobody moves, they all stare dumbfounded as to what to do. Da Dada Da...in swoops Super Sara and her mad heimliching skills. Saves the day! He was a stranger. I was a teenager, they are notorious for inaction. Has time jaded me, or was I suppose to be jaded on this one? I know that having slept on it, I still wouldn't have done anything differently. Well, ok maybe I wouldn't have gone out so EARLY. Does that count?