Thursday, October 16, 2008

I need some help Bloggy friends.

How do your teach a 5 year old remorse?
My sweet daughter has been pushing buttons. She doesn't apologize for her actions. Me saying you should apologize just brings the short"Sorry."
We've had talks with her, Rob has tried talking to her about hurting feelings and feeling remorse for her actions. Today she broke something that wasn't hers. Accidents happen. But this happened because she was playing with something that wasn't hers and was off limits. My first instinct was to go break something that belonged to her. Then she would know what it felt like to lose something...I feel shame that this was the FIRST thing I felt. Please don't judge me for that. I called Rob right after that and had him calm me down. He does a good job at it. He came up with things like having her do jobs that would help us out, or having her pay for it out of her savings. She doesn't really get that she has savings...and there aren't that many jobs that are punishment enough. She's 5. She can pick up toys and set the table. Those are things required of her anyway.
I need y'alls help here. How am I to teach this girl remorse?
How do I focus on God's plan, instead of the anger, guilt and shame I'm feeling right now? Oh, dear friends, I need some guidance.


  1. does she say "sorry" or say sorry and what she's sorry for? my only idea is to take that moment and have her pray with you. out loud, asking God to forgive her too? sounds all "preachy" but it might make a good impact on her heart?! i really understand this one as we've gone thru it too. ahem, and i've "maybe" been guilty of it too.

    and so for's this one that i catch my self saying too much? "if you don't clean up your toys, i'll throw them away". terrible mommy! never have, probably never will, but always makes me feel empowered...just for a split second!

  2. It's just "sorry". I then have to ask why are you's usually "I don't know." Amazingly enough she does pray out loud at night to help her be nicer to her family...

  3. First, none of us are experts (look mom, no handbook! lol), and I'm so with you in the needing good advice at times. So way to ask my friend!

    For us, prayer is the first line of defense and offense.... and then comes my inner Dr. Phil. You have to work with HER currency. Money is not our children's currency. My boys' deal in video games, computer time, movie nights and desert to name a few.

    Start removing privileges, keep a chart of what's given and taken away and for what reason... so she has a Visual of her Actions and Consequences.

    Good Luck & Deep Breaths,

  4. Breaking something of hers would have been my first thought too. I get it. No judgment!

    My oldest is only three, but I can already see how hard it's going to be to teach remorse.

    I don't have answers either except for prayer (with her and on your own). I think even praying WITH her that she would experience real remorse is a good thing if it's done in a non-shaming way.

    I'm sorry it's a rough day. Or should I say dayS.

  5. Oh, geez ... I so wish that the Good Lord created a handbook in parenting for today's world. Then, we could just flip to the chapters we needed in a moment's notice.

    I feel your pain ... and, I think that these lovely gals really gave you some sound advice.

    My duaghter never broke anything ... but my son broke a piece of prized pottery when he was 2. Of course, there is more maturity at age 5, but I sat him down (after I handed him to my husband, left the room and counted to ten) and told him how special that was to mommy and how would he feel if I had broken his Thomas train? He cried that he didn't like that idea! He was not permitted to play with his toys but one (which you know how long they actually play with only one toy ... mere minutes!) for the remainder of the evening and no bedtime snack. Bedtime snack is a huge hit in our house ... even my oldest is afraid of losing it! LOL! My son does a lot better of keeping his hands off breakables; unless, of course, it's a cool gadget of his sisters .... Hmmmmm.

    And, of course, I also agree with praying together. We do this each night and it seems to help, especially with the older one, to have a better appreciation for other's feelings, being kind and helpful ... well, you get the drift.

    Hope this helps, and if not ... just know that you're not alone!!

  6. Don't worry, that would have been my first reaction too!

    I don't have a 5 year old so I don't think I can offer you any help. So I'm sticking with Growin' It It!'s advice. Hers seems really great!

  7. Ok - hear me out. Breaking something of hers might be over the line, but IMO, not that far over. Pray definitely. You pray for the HS to teach her remorse. But in the mean-time you could just take away something of hers for a period of time. Someone else mentioned speaking in her currency. Make her replace whatever it is with something of hers for a period of time.

    I've not dealt too much with this as my daughter is very repentent. I think it comes more naturally to some of us than others.

  8. No judgment here, girl...we're all in this together! I don't have a lot of advice, but I sure am looking forward to reading these other comments and getting some wisdom here.


I love hearing from you!
"Make it Known"