How do you like my Christmas decorating?
I hope you all had fantastic Thanksgivings! I gorged myself, as promised, on Tonya's stuffing! YUM.
It is late, I HATE when I'm laying in bed and HAVE to post. My mind is filled with dread girls.
*GASP* But it's the Christmas season...what can be dreadful?
I am about to pour gasoline on a bridge, light a match and torch the baby.
I am not kidding. This has been in the making for about 34 years.
I am the youngest. My mother had nine babies. 3 were born alive and 2 of us were raised. I am the youngest. I have a sister, Sherri, who is 2 1/2 years older. She is not my friend and come Monday, I'm pretty sure she will no longer consider me family either. And THAT'S OK. Because what family is for her and what I've have been blessed to learn what family really is are completely different. And I would be someone other then MYSELF if I remained her kind of family.
I have suffered abuse at her hands. I have lost myself worth because of things of her doing. She has always had heinous boyfriends. Her first one terrorized this young 13 year old. Touching her in places NO person should be touched. He and his friends would slam all 75 LBS of me into lockers or throw me to the ground in hallways, knock books from my arms. Call me names. One to this day makes me cringe. "Muppet". It sounds cute, endearing even, but from his mouth it became a fowl word. I loathed it. Sherri encouraged her friends and him to tease me. She never stood up for me. To her I was a pest. She would sware at me, lock me in my room.
When my parents got divorced she lived with Howie, I with Mother. I had to go spend weekends there. She couldn't go out unless she took me too. I got the worst beating of my life because I refused to smoke pot with her and her boyfriend and friends. They all thought I would "knark." So they beat me up, lied to my parents and threaten to do it again if I told. Then she began dating black guys. (NOTHING wrong with that, except they were the kind you'd be afraid of in a dark alley) Ernest beat her. She took it out on ME. Fredrick cheated on her, she decided a baby would keep him.
He had 3 already and fathered 2 more. (3 different mothers) Do you see what I'm getting at? It wasn't the skin color, it was them. But it set the scene for the burning bridge.
I have on many occasions tried to talk to her. I've asked her why she doesn't like me? Why does she need to change me? Why can't she just LOVE ME? As I grew older and wiser I'd ask?
What do you WANT from me? What is it that you expect of me? How can I be your sister?
Sherri met Thomas three months before I met Rob. I like Thomas. He is a good man. He is kind, a hard worker, he made mistakes and is working hard to make a good life for himself. For the life of me I couldn't see how HE was with her. He was nice, she not so much. He was polite, she not so much. BUT she did seem to soften in his love. They had a child. Then another. Sherri was always known as a hard worker. She went to college. Once for cosmetology and then again years later for medical tech. She has skills. She chose to live on the system. A system she manipulates every. single. day. She had breast augmentation on the taxpayers bill. She is now working on getting the lapband. Her delay, no one to watch her children while she has the surgery and recuperates. She choses NOT to work full-time and earn benefits.
Let me apologize to you, I am not trying to gossip or get you to not like Sherri, or air dirty laundry. I am dealing with an internal battle that has raged for at least 30 years of my life. I need support and perspective. The only way I know how to do that is to be truthful and clear.
Thomas had become unhappy, he wasn't allowed to parents his children. (Did I mention he treats Tee as his own. In his mind he has 3 children NOT 2) Sherri overrode him all the time. He couldn't understand WHY she wasn't working. He works two fulltime jobs. She's a take all what you can get-er, he's a work hard pay your own way-er. He made a poor choice. He ALSO took the consequences. They made it through, so it seemed. Then one day Sherri decided she was done. He had told her he wasn't in love with her anymore, and she believed she deserved better. EVERYONE does. But there is a side that she will NOT take responsibility for. Her CHOICES. It is my belief that she suffocated Thomas right out of love and left him with nothing more to give. She now dictates when he will take the kids, what he will pay her...
Here is the point, the bridge. We are not allowed to like Thomas. He chose to leave her, so now we must hate him. I do not. I love Thomas. He has become my brother. He is the father and a good one, to my nieces and nephew. But we are low life scum bags if we don't side with her and hate him. Last year, at Christmas, they were rocky, I asked permission for him to be included at our Christmas Eve celebration. (Rob and I host every year) Sherri was very clear that Thomas was not to be treated differently because of the mistake...I didn't have a problem with that. It was nice. This year however, she has mangled her life in such a way that well, I told her I planned to include Thomas for Christmas, the kids will be here, their Dad should be too. I know that she is still speaking with him, why should it be a problem. Again, she has to CONTROL the situation, she wants him to feel the loss that HE chose when HE chose to not love her. i.e her family, his family for the last 8 years. Anyway, she hasn't spoken to me in over a month, since I brought it up.
Monday is Thomas' birthday. Birthdays are special. I chose to invite him for dinner, it's his night to have the kids and MOTHER has decided to come.
Sherri, to my knowledge does not know about this yet. She will on Monday, when the kids tell her where they went. I have no idea what shit will hit the fan, I do know that it could be ugly. I do know that this heart has ached long and hard over a sister that never seemed to love her.
STUPID, UGLY, KNARK Sara. That is who I am to her. My heart breaks to think that my sister never acted or treated me like a big sister should. My heart breaks knowing that no matter HOW hard I tried NOTHING would be good enough for her. My heart breaks knowing that she chose to hate me instead of love me.
I have words stored up, from years of being her sister. This is a bridge I have crossed more then my fair share. She has NEVER once tried crossing.
Monday the match will be lit and I truly believe that it will be burnt forever.
I can be nothing less then myself. I can not be used in a game of manipulation and greed. I can not turn my back on a person whom I believe to be true and loving. I can not stand by and SUPPORT a lifestyle that does not follow in my values.
It is ironic to me that just over an hour ago it was thanksgiving, and I was giving thanks with my "new" family, and yet mourning my own.
I AM in mourning. I mourned Howie. I will mourn Sherri. I am done being the pleaser. I hope you all can understand...I'm not trying to be mean or vindictive. I hope you know that about me by now.
I would GIVE anything to be friends with my sister. Sherri has to cross that bridge, I can't make her, I can't push or pull her, SHE has to cross it.
Maybe someday she'll decide to build a new one back over?
I can only pray.