I guess I still have some things to confess. It is good to be home. I had a wonderful time, which I'll get to in a minute. But coming H.O.M.E. to the ones who love you, faults and all...ah, brings tears to my eyes. I have a wonderful husband. He met me at the door and carried my bags in. Gave me a sweet kiss and said "I missed you." We are not apart from each other often, so not having him with me , especially at night was very hard. I gained so much this weekend in regards to insight on how I've been viewing my marriage. Looking in his eyes and knowing the changes I made and am going to make, was like our wedding day, that birth of promise, hope and long lasting intimacy. He patiently and intently sat there while I just exploded in excitement telling him all I heard, thought and saw. I kept asking him if he had enough. He never did. But he did ask if I had had pop.
He knows when I have because I get well bubbly, chatty, hyper. Yes, I had TWO glasses at dinner because I didn't want to be rude and fall asleep on the ride back!
And my dog. Oh sweet love. I always think I'm crazy, because, of the family, I miss her most. She is constantly at my side. Ever faithful. Rob said she would go downstairs in the computer room and look for me, come up and look and go right back downstairs again. Over and over again, until finally he told her "Mommy isn't home Pipe, come lay by Daddy." She did. Then when I got home, she was so excited right? When we got into bed, she beat me of course and then she laid in MY spot. Just TOOK it over. She would NOT move. Finally, I went to pick her up and move her and she growled at me. That little bugger thought she was going to boss me and take my spot! Oh no. I'd move her and she push her way back, I'd move her she'd push her way back. Finally I said "You will be out of this room if you don't stay there." That was the end of it. Man, so testy when they are miffed with you. And make no mistake she was MAD that I had left her so long.
I love my Dawg.
I met two new ladies, friends of my friend Pollie. We all went together. They are such wonderful women.
l-r Maren, Pollie, Me and Kari. Kari drove. She had heated seats! OOH, we love that here! It's cold people. We felt like rockstars driving in a fancy SUV with tinted windows and butt warmers!
Friday night we were entertained by Go Fish. They rocked. Great music to listen to with your kiddos. They sang us this Mom song.
Cheri Keaggy sang for us. She was lovely.
We heard from Jill Savage, Julie Barnhill, Karen Ehman. It was fantastic. Saturday was the day we had workshops. The first one was with Micca Campbell. She has a powerful story to share about living in God's presence having tragedy strike and turning her back on Him and how he never let her out of his reach. Then she fully embraced him. I am proud of myself for not crying. I am the MOST sensitive gal. I feel others pain instantly of hearing about it. I did NOT want to spend the next day and 1/2 crying! So I toughened up. I teared up yes, but did not cry. Maren questioned how I didn't cry over it. Well, Frankly I'm not sure either, I just knew that I did NOT get up at 6AM, do my hair and make-up to cry it all away in the first hour!!! Can I get an AMEN? Seriously, people. I don't wear make-up often. It's WORK making this face pretty. My neighborhood is lucky if I get my eyebrows on. I had concealer,foundation, powder,liner,shadow,eyebrow pencil, mascara(waterproof), blush, lip liner, lipstick,lipGLOSS. I am talking layers on layers of beauty work. To then smudge and smear it with tissues and look all raccoon? NO WAY. I was going to be military strong.
My second workshop was with Julie Barnhill. She is known to be hysterical. She informed us right away that this would in fact be the opposite of funny. We would, by the end, root out the unforgiveness and lay down before we left. I had NO idea what was going on. It felt like I went to see the doctor for a little tenderness in my foot, as he takes a look and says, "well, what do we have here?" A sliver. and he starts digging at it. And your like "Ouch! what are you DOING? That hurts!" and he says "Well. if I don't get in out it could get infected...Nurse hand me that scalpel."
SCALPEL!?!?! OH, no you are not going to cut...
"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOUUUCH! That HURTS! Just LEAVE it ALONE! It'll work itself out."
So are you still with me?
I went in for one thing, came out wondering and worrying how much longer it was going to hurt, and GALL DARNIT, WHAT was that away? How did I GET that in my foot?
Third workshop I wanted to leave because I was bored. I didn't connect with the speaker but was too "polite" to get up and walk out.
The fourth workshop drove it all home. It was suppose to be fun and learning how to rekindle the romance. It came to me, that I have NEVER forgiven MYSELF. ME. SARA. For the past sexual sins I have committed. I have asked GOD to forgive me sure, but I had NEVER laid them down for MYSELF. This has been WHY it is hard for me to connect to Rob INTIMATELY in THAT way. The Pain and hurt is way to raw. I love him, I love being near him, I love hugging and kissing him like family, but...To be "with" him means that I open all of myself up...and I DON'T like all of myself. You see where I'm going ladies? WHY has it taking me 7 years to GET this? I just thought well, I'm to tired, we have babies, I'm exhausted from my day...when the kids are older it will fall into place...excuses excuses excuses. My Husband is not my "type". That would be David Beckham (without the tattoos)BUT his soul IS my perfect mate. He is EVERYTHING I want in a partner, friend, love of a lifetime. Because of that he is the most HANDSOME, ATTRACTIVE man I know. I came home KNOWING I laid it down. I AM focused on the steps I want to take to claim what God has given me. It is my RIGHT, to love on THIS man and let him in return love on me. I don't have to feel dirty, or slutty or gross ANYMORE. Because I am NONE of those things. (Well, maybe after gardening I'm dirty and gross.) But because God gave us to each other I am NO longer sinning when I lust for my body to be pleased. HALLELUJAH SISTERS!
(I apologize if that was all too much information, but it IS my blog, and you can close your eyes. :)
And for the record I still had not cried!!!!
We were treated to the very best way to end a day of emotional roller coasters. With laughter.
Ken Davis gave us such a SHOW. The theme for the conference was that we are Magnificent. He was so tummy cramps, piddle in your pants, tears running down your face funny! I kid you not my friend Pollie said she couldn't decide who was funnier Him or watching me laugh at him! I was C.R.Y.I.N.G. (It was the end of the evening so goodbye make-up!)
And then he said what I needed to here. THAT special thing that God knew I needed to send me home filled with renewal and strength and his grace. He said "I have a disease. It's called Perfection. I spend my hours and days trying to be perfect. But I'm not. I have suffered from depression. It's because I'm not perfect, I don't have to be. Jesus, when he was beaten and nailed to the cross, wiped it all clean. He carried away my imperfection. He wiped away your imperfection. You are not perfect, you don't have to be because he made you magnificent." Ken's voice, Ken's body language, Ken's words magnified by the Holy Spirit were what THIS heart needed to hear. My Daddy never showed me love, never spoke to me in love...we can't "hear" God's voice. But I knew the it that moment Ken was "my" daddy, telling ME that I AM MAGNIFICENT.
Oh, girls, I wish you were all there with me! It was so so so wonderful. I made new friends, I got some healing, I felt the power of moms standing together worshiping our AWESOME God and Our Merciful Savior. I feel such peace and contentment today, I wish I could just open my arms and pour it out on all of you. I like SHARING!
So I'll leave you with a little bit from Ken Davis. If you ever have the chance to see him. DO. But I worn you. Bring lots of tissues and wear a pad. You don't want to risk your pants!