Monday, January 12, 2009

This is my Depression.

I was going to post more of my journal today...As I was reading the post I realized that you need background first.

This is my tale of depression.

I grew up wanting to be loved and not feeling loved at all. Sometimes I wondered why I was even here at all.

My parents divorced when I was 12/13. It was about a 2 year ordeal. That made huge indents on my heart. I didn't recognize the pain or damage at the time. I was too busy dealing with bully's at school and my changing body to see what the "other" stuff was.
Acceptance has always been a huge issue for me. What would I do for it. How far was I willing to give up myself.
This was the first time I saw my Dad cry. When he told us Mom was kicking him out. I felt badly for him and wished I could make him not hurt.
Again, this is another of my qualities. Ignoring the pain in my heart to care for others.
Both parents eventually got boyfriends and girlfriends of their own. I liked neither. They were cruel and mean and very controlling over my parents. Neither "friend" wanted to share parents attention with myself or Sherri. So we were to odd ducks out.
Again no acceptance.
In my mid-teens I had a boyfriend. He was kind, fun and cared deeply for me. I loved him. He was the first in my life to love me back.(so to speak)
As time went on I thought that showing you loved someone and vice versa was having sex.
I was NOT emotionally ready to decide that for myself. John was raised with beliefs that you wait until marriage. So we did wait. Then I became restless. I knew my mom was being loved. I knew my sister was being loved. I knew my dad was being loved. But I was feeling like John didn't love me because that is how you showed how much you loved a person.
It ended up happening. (I am thankful that I had a good first. I regret that those values were not in my heart)
After John broke up with me and dated someone new, I lost it. I decided that "nice, good girl" Sara ended up alone. I was going to be "fun" Sara.
I did have fun. I was also fake and never cared about what I was doing to myself or if that person liked me didn't matter, I could just meet someone else, if they didn't like me. I could BE someone else if "she" wasn't working for me.
God was watching out for this girl, I tell you. When I think of the trouble that could have found me... Praise him.
I decided after numerous heartaches I was taking a break for dating...This is when I began finding myself, acknowledging what I wanted and needed for myself. and it was HARD.
Battles everywhere, not being a people-pleaser reeked havoc in my family, I was always the peace keeper, please you kind. That was not working for me so much.
I asserted myself at work and butted heads with my much younger and male boss. (He was put in charge of our branch. I was brought in to be the office manager and keep the "guys" in line.)
When you work with 20-somethings who like to party, and your the "mothering" type it does NOT make for a good work environment.
Again I had to be accepted. To the point that I was covering for them, mostly my boss, but others guys at the office too. It came to a head when my boss while hung-over, "bumped" a site worked with the company truck and to avoid bumping him over corrected and hit a rented bobcat. Damage done to the truck, and bobcat. The other guy was fine just scared. When Corporate started asking questions I played a fool. At this point I really didn't know what happened. Until Eric got to me, told me the story and asked me to lie for him.
I knew I wouldn't loose my job, I was afraid for Eric...I was dating Rob at this time now.
Weeks passed before this issue came completely unleashed. I was dodging the phone messages until I could talk sense into Eric about coming clean... He just got angrier and angrier, and harder to work with or for.
Meanwhile back at home, Rob and I moved in together 3 weeks after we met, after he proposed. He kept telling me to stick to my guns and tell the truth.
While THIS was going on, corporate was being bought out, by another company and they were coming to check out the office...
Eric and I had a huge blow-up fight, He made me feel like complete sh*t , worthless and that I wouldn't a friendly work environment anymore.
Changes were coming for all of us. Eric was demoted and the new guy Jack loved me. I stayed. Anytime Jack was gone Eric was the opposite of friendly.
My life was about to come crashing down on me. I felt betrayed by this person whose ass I covered time and again. He wasn't loyal to me, like I had been. He didn't treat me with respect, as a matter of fact to tick me off he'd use the girls bathroom! (Before I started it was only men and they used both bathrooms) He would do it when Jack wasn't there, just me he'd make sure I'd catch him and dare me to saying something either to his face or to Jack.
It got so that I couldn't get out of bed in the mornings to go to work. I had no idea what was happening, until I started feeling like it would all be better if I killed myself.
This after finding my PRINCE. I was very honest with my feelings with Rob, at first he just encouraged me to quit, find a new job and let it go. I DID DO that. But those feelings still lingered, and now it crept in that I couldn't marry this guy, I'd ruin him too. My mind told my heart that I was crazy. Nobody liked me because I was crazy. Crazy people should die.
When I told Rob these feelings we called the Doctor the next day. I was in treatment, the next day. I was relieved to be in treatment. I was NOT relieved when they put me on several pills. They made me sick to my stomach and I wasn't "feeling" better. I felt MORE anxious. Besides I didn't WANT to be medicated the rest of my life. As treatment went on I felt like I wasn't getting the same attention as the ones who constantly said they wanted to kill themselves. I didn't anymore, Thank God, but I felt like so much time was spent on these people that I wasn't getting OUT what I needed to dig out. I began seeing a counselor on my own time. (After I got discharged from treatment) She was very good. I learned a lot about myself. I began to understand WHO I needed in my life.
Rob was my hero. He loved me, encouraged me, took care of all my needs, when honestly I would have thought He'd run away screaming...
I began feeling acceptance. I began feeling UNCONDITIONAL love. Through Rob, God was showing me how much he cared.
I can't give you the exact moment or date that I came to Christ. For me it was a process, over time slowly evolving until it was MY idea that THAT was what I needed to do. It was the only way it would have worked. I was so going to do my own thing, that if i felt pressured or no options I would run from it.
In therapy we learned about: A talk & B talk.
Negative and positive talk that we give ourselves. I still to this DAY struggle with A talk. But I know where the TRUTH lies. I know who I can go to.
I write to purge myself of feelings and thoughts and emotions that I don't want to linger, take root and cause sin.
Once I confess it, once it's not a secret or in the dark so to has NO power.
Depression runs in my family. Grandma had a complete breakdown. I had a mild one. It wasn't pretty or fun. But it defines me. It changed me. I am Sara today because of it and everything that I went through. That is what I love about this, sharing getting to know people, who they really are, not the masks we all put on or hide behind or sometimes need to have in certain instances. Being REAL authentic, transparent. When we meet in heaven though many of us kinda know what the others look like, I know, that I will recognize you by your heart. I will SEE you and you will SEE me and we will know each other and celebrate our Lord and Savior.
So with that you have a background and will recognize the A-talk that comes out in my journal.


  1. You are the most honest person I know; I Love You Sara. Depression is mean and it is no discriminator.

    I attempted suicide when I was 16. I thank God EVERY DAY, that He did Not answer my prayer to die. He knew what I did not, that He loved me and was all I needed.

    All these years later I have 3 Amazing children of my own and a passion for the Lord who Saved me... in so many ways.

    Blessings, Carolynn

  2. Thanks for your honesty Sara. You have come through a lot in your life and your strength is shown, not only in where you are now, but in you willingness to share.


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