Feeling like this blog is WHAT? What is this blog?
I complain, I bare my soul, I wax poetic about my children and husband. But WHAT am I doing? Who am I doing it for? I'm bored, I need contact, I need to feel normal. And it is the stories and the women I meet that fufill some of that. But that isn't right. I should be spending my time being virtuous, or gracious or finding my true meaning right?
But then I am only human. Do you tally insults? Come on be honest, someone made a snarky comment and now you don't read their blog...
I come from a long line of insulter. Why just the other day I asked Mother to come for dinner an Valentine's day. (Her birthday is Feb. 15.) I was going to go to the fish market and buy walleye. (Her favorite). She told me she has a pageant that night. One that she isn't really wanting to go to, but is going to. I couldn't help feeling slighted. Again. By queens. ARGH. She rarely makes the trip out to visit. We live 25 minutes away, but Mother doesn't like going on the freeway, or driving in ANY kind of weather. But she will drive to this pageant across town, at night, by herself... I'm sure you get it.
Instead of spending the evening with us, having a meal prepared for her, with her likes and a special dessert, she is choosing queens. I am resolving to NOT tally this. It is proving very difficult. I am resolving to give unto others instead. Someone else who WOULD feel special about joining us and having a meal catered to their likes. My family. My children. I am choosing to love on my family instead of someone who chooses thing over family.
When I get like this, I don't want to blog. I don't even want to acknowledge the hurt. I want it to go away. I wonder WHY the pattern continues. Am I learning the fine art of perseverance? Can I just tantrum now? How crazy would it be for a 34 woman to throw her body down and kick and scream and cry about the unfairness of having an unloving mother. Of having a model of coldness and indifference to look to for mothering skills.
Yeah, I blog. I blog for feedback. I blog for friendships and healthy models to look to. I blog for inspiration, for sisterhood and for comfort.
Do you know how bad I want to tantrum for awhile and then stand up like Will Ferrell in the Land of the Lost trailer and say "(Matt Lauer) can SUCK IT!!!" Yeah, that is how sweet sensitive Sara feels today. How's that for snarky?
Mean while I'm going to go wrap valentine's gifts to keep my mind off yelling "suck it."
It's also Valium time for me, dentist tomorrow again. There's another tantrum wanting to come out.