Monday, February 9, 2009

More Journal...

So, I've been in this funk. Not really feeling like writing. Feeling blah, stressing over my health.
Feeling like this blog is WHAT? What is this blog?
I complain, I bare my soul, I wax poetic about my children and husband. But WHAT am I doing? Who am I doing it for? I'm bored, I need contact, I need to feel normal. And it is the stories and the women I meet that fufill some of that. But that isn't right. I should be spending my time being virtuous, or gracious or finding my true meaning right?
But then I am only human. Do you tally insults? Come on be honest, someone made a snarky comment and now you don't read their blog...
I come from a long line of insulter. Why just the other day I asked Mother to come for dinner an Valentine's day. (Her birthday is Feb. 15.) I was going to go to the fish market and buy walleye. (Her favorite). She told me she has a pageant that night. One that she isn't really wanting to go to, but is going to. I couldn't help feeling slighted. Again. By queens. ARGH. She rarely makes the trip out to visit. We live 25 minutes away, but Mother doesn't like going on the freeway, or driving in ANY kind of weather. But she will drive to this pageant across town, at night, by herself... I'm sure you get it.
Instead of spending the evening with us, having a meal prepared for her, with her likes and a special dessert, she is choosing queens. I am resolving to NOT tally this. It is proving very difficult. I am resolving to give unto others instead. Someone else who WOULD feel special about joining us and having a meal catered to their likes. My family. My children. I am choosing to love on my family instead of someone who chooses thing over family.
When I get like this, I don't want to blog. I don't even want to acknowledge the hurt. I want it to go away. I wonder WHY the pattern continues. Am I learning the fine art of perseverance? Can I just tantrum now? How crazy would it be for a 34 woman to throw her body down and kick and scream and cry about the unfairness of having an unloving mother. Of having a model of coldness and indifference to look to for mothering skills.
Yeah, I blog. I blog for feedback. I blog for friendships and healthy models to look to. I blog for inspiration, for sisterhood and for comfort.

Do you know how bad I want to tantrum for awhile and then stand up like Will Ferrell in the Land of the Lost trailer and say "(Matt Lauer) can SUCK IT!!!" Yeah, that is how sweet sensitive Sara feels today. How's that for snarky?

Mean while I'm going to go wrap valentine's gifts to keep my mind off yelling "suck it."

It's also Valium time for me, dentist tomorrow again. There's another tantrum wanting to come out.


  1. that's why i come here...cuz you are real and you rant and say suck and i still ♥ ya cuz it makes me feel like i can talk about the same yucky stuff in my own life!

    ahhh valium...relax and enjoy it my friend!

  2. I know how you feel!!! I have so many headaches that are caused by my in-laws (mainly my FIL). It's ridiculous, and I'm trying really, really hard not to be bitter and to just forgive and accept him as who he is: imperfect, like me, but I have a hard time believing that he is repentant of what damage he's caused with his fam. Grrr...rant, here I go, lol. I understand your frustration, though; it's hard when people -- especially family members -- chose non-fam members over you. =( Hope your valium helps, lol (chocolate and coffee help me out, haha!).

  3. Wow, Sara, it does suck that you have a mother like that. And if yelling suck it would make you feel better, I say go for it. I can actually feel your pain through your blog, and I wish I could take some of your pain away.

    Mother's were made by God to be loving and caring, your mother is a freak of nature, definitely not fulfilling the job God gave her. Just remember in Matthew it says.."Be not deceived, God is not mocked, whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap". I will pray for you, and for her, God has quite a work to do in her heart, but He is in the miracle business, never forget that!

    I wish I could come to your house for supper, sounds grand.

    God bless you and hang in there.

  4. Those hurts from your youth don't go away easily and it doesn't help that things keep happening to rip at that wound. In spite of this you turned out great and you won't be that kind of Mom!

  5. In my own life, I'm realizing that the more of Him I have, the less I feel like I need from others. Don't get me wrong, we need others...but I'm talking about my source of joy, my sense of who I am becomes shielded when I run to Him first to give me what no one else seems to.

    Dude, I want some valium next time I go to the dentist ;)

  6. The beginning of your post Mirrors one I have started in my drafts... what does this blog mean?? I need Direction. I swear we were separated at birth my friend.

    I'm sorry she let you down again. Do know you deserve so much better, and that you are breaking the cycle, because you give Butter & Roo so much better. Regardless of whether it is because of or in spite of your upbringing, you are a GREAT mom. Keep you head held high and make something You like for dinner. Please yourself because You Matter and You Deserve It.

    I LOVE your journal entries. The one that said tallying insults is a soul crushing way to live grabbed me around the throat. You could say fill in the negative blank is a soul crushing way to live. Soul crushing, what a verbal visual! That just went in my things I don't want in my life list. Wowza.

    Sorry for the novel comment. Give yourself a hug from me keep using Snarky, it's my favorite word. :o)

    Blessings, Carolynn

  7. That's so tough, Sara...and I think what makes it even worse is knowing that it keeps on happening, over and over again, and it's hard to put something that keeps happening behind you.

    And I'm 32 and lately I have totally wanted to throw myself on the floor and have an full-on hissy fit over some things that are going on.

    I hope you keep on blogging, girl, because you are real and lovely and we need you around!

  8. Sara,
    I have so had days where I wanted to throw fits just like my 3 year old. It must be so freeing... :)
    Your journal entries are awesome! I love the way you encourage yourself thrgouh that creative outlet!
    I'm so sorry for the hurts you are facing. {hugs}


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