Do you ever have days where it feels like so much more time has passed than actually has?
Or the reverse, where you think time should be going faster but it's the seconds that tick tick tick by?
There are things coming up that I am not looking forward to. You might even say I am dreading.
Do you know what that does to your insides: to dread?
Try as I might I can't "let it go" or "pray it away".
There is a clock over my head ticking away the time until I have to make up my mind. Do I or Don't I.
I really don't. I feel like it's just going to be more painful and unnecessary and nobody will care if I do.
My whole THING is feeling abandoned. You can thank my parents for that. I forgive them, but it doesn't stop the feelings from raging in situations like this.
So if I DO, I get to spend the evening dwelling on just how far I've been left behind, replaced, forgotten. Now you could argue that just being there is enough to prove that I haven't indeed been forgotten all together. But my head sees it as obligation. Payback or repayment in a not completely equal measure.
Are you lost? Kinda confused?
Sorry, I am too. But I won't say or give more then this.
I can think of a thousand reason NOT to. I can't think of one reason TO. Other then to show BIGness. As in be the bigger person. WHO needs to be the bigger? I DON'T. I'm big enough. It will only be seen as big by those who know me, not by the people I am suppose to be being big for. They won't get it. There for why put myself through all the big drama? Only I feel it's me being the drama, cause I can't stop thinking about how much I really don't.
What is WRONG with me?
Why am I more concerned about my hurt and pain that I can't see anything different?
I know some of you are reading this and thinking this isn't hard: Just don't then.
What about regrets, I hate having regrets. Not that I have many of those, just a few. But How do you know if you will when it's GO time and you have to decide?
I feel like I've left you in the dark.
When I was little I had a second family. I got to escape mine. I truly felt safe there, home there. I was included in such a way that I was having overnights at Grandma's, and asked to go on camping trips. I had little sisters. I took care of my sisters. I would do anything for my sisters. As we got older I bonded more with The younger one. We had the same spunk. While the older one went on her own way, never really allowing me close again. She liked to lie and be sneaky. Something I loathed. I already had a REAL sister like that. She got in trouble, was threatened with a lawsuit and her defense was I was telling her what to do. I a moment I was stripped of all privilege and acceptance in that family my "sister" was forbidden to see or talk to me. I was never given a chance to say what I had to say, to prove my "case" I was banished from "home".
As children we obey our parents. I understood she was just obeying. But she became ill. I found out about it later. Then Grandpa died, and I being an adult now, went to pay my respects. It was here that the Mom came to me and said "I can tell you've changed." Her words never registered, I was focused on Grandma's wide open arms to me and the shadow of a girl who was my little sister. She and I bonded a again and I was there when she wanted no one else, even her parents couldn't understand the pain that I did. She grew out of her illness as much as one can. I grew to see that it was the picture perfect family her parents care most about. It could be crumbling around them in the frame but as long as the frame held, no one would be allowed to touch it.
Yes, I had changed. But I hadn't changed from the girl they knew, I only grew wiser, more aware of how others can hurt and destroy you. (This is before Christ, before I knew of his grace)
So now I had two families that broke me.
My sister kept me close until she moved on. It was then I who struggled to keep the relationship close. When I think of her, she means much more to me, then I to her. To her I am a memory. And that is extremely painful to KNOW that. I am faced now with is she a memory to me too? Or do I keep fighting a fight that the bell has rung on?
This is where I've been for a while now. Feeling like I'm the only one hanging on, while other's have accepted the death of the relationship.
And that is why I don't want to go to her wedding on Sat. A thousand reasons why not, and not one why. Other then I may regret it...and I may not.