Hi there, it's me again. Sara. You know, the one whose heart breaks every few weeks it seems.
I'd like to cancel all mail, phone calls and surprise paper appearances please. You know what I mean, because you are God and you know everything.
I'm not sure I can take much more of this circus/roller coaster/cage match stuff.
I know that I'm tough and loyal and stubborn, but aside from that I'd really REALLY like some peace and quiet.
When I get a card in the mail that jokes of "I'm still alive." and is "lovingly" signed by Mom, I'm not sure how to take that. See it's NO joke to me that we haven't spoken in nearly four months. The last thing I said to her was "I have nothing left to say." and I meant that. I have nothing left to say. I want something from her I can not possibly have. There are places she is unwilling to meet me at. You know this all to well, I am sure of that. All you ask of us is acknowledgement and devotion. You reach as far as you can, without crushing one's will, at some point you ask them to reach back. I've done the same. Asked for reaching back. Four months and a joke card later...I know what time it is. It's break time from pageants, summer is the lull. Fall will bring a new round of busy and preparations, with an even busier winter, a quickly dissolving spring back to the lull of summer.
I never liked summer. It's never been my favorite season. I always thought it might be the heat, the humidity, but maybe maybe because I've known all along that summer is all I ever got of her. Summer was when Howie acted most like a father and Sherri was not around, busy with her friends and I was free.
Today is cold for summer, it's only in the 60's. How odd that on a day that should be blazing with heat. Maybe it's easier to digest heartache when it's mild out. Maybe it's you tempering the flame of hurt.
I'd love to hear back from you. Where do I go next? What path do you have in store next? Is this an opening or a closing door?
Thanks God, I knew I could count on you.