Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Feeling Behind.

The entire weekend I felt a day behind. It was a weird feeling. I want to say it started Friday, but the truth is it started long before that. It started in my body, this sense of foreboding.
If you'll remember in the wedding post, I shared with you how anxious I was about my family. I shared with you a comment said to me on my wedding day by my sister in-law to be Jennifer.
I can't remember if I shared our trip to Whidbey Island or not (Seattle, WA.) That doesn't really matter. It started back at the wedding. Jennifer and I do not get along. I can point my finger and TRUST me she'll point hers right back. She was coming to town, and I got anxious. My body started giving me signs. Like the heart attack scare the week before. The sleepless nights. The not wanting to eat.
I had made requests of Hubby, to make things clear about our intentions. Rob believed he didn't need to, that everyone "knew". It turned out to be a huge mess. I am left to piece it together and it's not looking good no matter how I put it together. See, either they didn't "know" and Rob again failed me on rather large level OR they did know and chose not to respect my boundaries.
Either way I'm left feeling violated and hurt.
I had good intentions to try and make things work, but somewhere in my gut I was being told it would never get resolved. I had been prayerful. I have worked very hard to show WHO I am, where my heart is and always has been.
When the time came, I was calm. I was confident, ready to be firm, not allow others to manipulate me and make me feel guilty or want to people please just to make it right for everyone else, while I get the polluted mess to sit in.
Rob was there, He answered the phone. She tried manipulating him first. It takes a lot to raise anger in my Husband, and he was frustrated and angry. He handed me the phone, unable to continue his conversation with her. It was on me now, I had to keep it together.
I let her take the lead on everything. If she asked a question, I asked her what she thought back.
She said things like "Meet in the middle. Let bygones be bygones. Act like adults. Hash things out."
It soon turned into her releasing a laundry list of things I have done to her. When I asked for specifics she dodged the question and kept attacking me. At one point she said I act like a four year old. I wasn't kicking and screaming, I hadn't even raised my voice. I'm a yeller, and I hadn't even raised my voice to her. I was simply asking for clarification of the things she was accusing me of. She wouldn't answer Rob's questions and she wouldn't answer mine. It was clear to me she had know intention of hashing things out, meeting in the middle, letting bygones be bygones or most importantly acting like an adult.
In many ways it has been an ugly weekend.
Rob and I talked and talked and talked Friday. We stand together. He now sees why I choose to stay away from Jennifer. He now sees how uncomfortable I've been these last eight years in regards to her. For THAT I am grateful. Things now need to be resolved with Rob's parents. I am leaving it up to Rob to decide when that will be. Jennifer is in town until tomorrow.

The rest of the weekend was wonderful. I will post those pictures a bit later.

This morning I was up earlier then I have been in quite some time. I asked Rob to open the shades before he left this morning. It really helped get my butt out of bed. 7:30AM.
I'm not gonna lie I went straight for the coffee pot. It's the first day of school. First Grade. First year of all day school. First day of eating school lunch. First day she will be out of my care for more then a few hours. When did my chubby cheeked smiley cherub get to be so grown up? Butter was dressed and ready to go. She kept asking when her bus was coming.

She picked her Jonas shirt with matching tie to wear for her first day. We haven't got many new clothes yet, because A) she isn't interested in shopping for clothes. B) everything out there for her right now is all short sleeve rocker chic stuff and C) I'd like to wait and see what clothes come out in a few months time. The few times we have gone shopping, she's more interested in stuffed animals and purses and jewelery, then what she really needs. It is frustrating trying to shop with her.

This morning was harder on me then last year, it has to be the full day thing.

I think she's excited, she didn't even say goodbye when she got on the bus, she did wave though.

Oh, I wish they didn't grow up so fast!


  1. Oh Sara, my heart just hurts for you having to deal with this ongoing conflict. Continue to pray and stay calm and talk with your hubby. I so admire you. I will pray, too!

    Look at Butter!!!!!!! Wow, what a lovely little lady...rocking that tie! Love it! Hugs as you both get through the 1st day!

  2. Family issues are rough. Sounds so much like our own story... As I continue to pray for our family I will add you to the list. Hugs.

  3. that is a fine line...especially w/ family. to stand up for yourself, to give up on waiting for change and yet to learn how to live in peace. and it is so hard when our bodies remind us of the ugliness even if we try to downplay it. well, take comfort that you are not alone in the whole "how to deal w/ family" issue. i'm proud of you for keeping your cool and still sticking up for sara!

    butter....you are just too cute!


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