Thursday, April 15, 2010

A new payment plan

I'm not sure if I have discussed my bought with depression or to what extent on this blog, and I'm too lazy to go back through all the posts to check.

Depression is an ugly pit. Where your "feelings" run rampant and lies swirl all around you and the light is very very far off to where your mind plays tricks on you whether you actually see light or only wish it were there. Hope is not solid. Again it's something only your mind can hold.
Why does everything have to do with our heads? No wonder I'm sea sick, dizzy, confused, fried.
So I'm battling depression again. Not the deep despair kind that happened the last time, but the out-of control sinking feeling. The LIES of insanity.
I am NOT worthless. (But thanks for that Satan, sure makes things "clear" when you tell me that.)
Rob and I have been in choppy waters now for 3 years. It started over money. Not enough of it, so Rob did what he had to do and took a paper route. Everyday, 7 days a week, 365 days a year he gets up at 1:30 am and gets home at 4:30am, sleeps for an hour and is off to work by 6am. He does all this for our family. It has taken a huge toll on my husband. Which then spills over into his family life. I see this man dog tired, life just being sucked out of him, struggling, I see him battling these stormy waters trying to keep us on course, even as the waves jolt us or threaten to tip us over. He is there both hands on the wheel navigating. Pointing us forward. While I'm clinging to the rails hanging on for dear life because I hate storms. I'm a nervous wreck. I need to see the rainbow to believe the rainbow exists. When we were sailing on the open calm waters I was loving it. I could function, I could "man the ship" and keep the crew happy. Throw in a hurricane and I'm the one with the death grip, yelling out orders and freaking out. I'm convinced there is not a calm bone in this body. I am wired so tight I could snap at any moment things get dicey.
Rob and I used to have a wonderful relationship communicating. Often times now it's me admitting fear and doubts and him being quiet. He tells me he can't tell me. He doesn't know. He doesn't have the words or he just doesn't want to burden me/upset me/scare me.
It irks me. I'm not strong in my own crap, That's why I talk about it it's the only strength I have. The deceiver likes when you keep quiet. That's how I work. I need to talk about the how's and whos and whats, be REMINDED that my pit isn't the ONLY pit out there. I can't STAY in my pit, I have to get OUT and help other's. Duh?! (that duh was for me not y'all, see I'm mostly talking to myself today and if you're reading you are along for a nutsy ride)
I can get so focused on the darkness around ME that I forget that everyone has it too. Some people just deal with it better then others. Some people just have a bigger support system then others, some people just have an easier time ACCEPTING help then others.
Who likes to admit they are lacking faith?
Because basically that is what I'm saying. I lack FAITH that everything will turn out for good. I lack faith that there is an end in sight, just not MY sight. (which by the way is DREADFUL, I really need new glasses!)
In times of fear and uncertainty I don't cling to the Lord. I cling to the suffering because I know the suffering better then the Lord.
(yep that really hurt admitting)
I'm gonna say it again ALOUD as I type it:
In times of fear and uncertainty I don't cling to the Lord. I cling to the suffering because I know the suffering better then the Lord.
I choose the suffering over the heart because it's LESS painful. There is comfort in knowing what pain is coming. If I isolate myself, then I know the pain of being alone. I've been alone plenty. If I grow and love and make relationships when those relationships end not only am I alone again, but now I have to feel the loss of what I once thought was good.
It is easier to stay in my pit and battle the lies then to crawl out of the pit and battle the UNKNOWN. Even if that unknown MIGHT have something good in the end. Like a rainbow.

So back on our boat.
Rob is trying to read his compass that has been dropped a few times but for the most part is steady and strong. Last night I unloaded on him. (not the way you think) I question. What is my purpose, why do I feel trapped. I watch him struggle making money, supporting us and then I have time in the day to dwell, because I'm home with my child. There is not a JOB out there that I want, well okay I could think of a few but REALISTICALLY speaking not one I'd be hired for. PAID enough to meet our bills for. I need to feel needed. That is where my passion lays. If I feel like anyone can do my job then it isn't a job for Sara. I wouldn't feel passionately about that job. EVERYONE wants to live a passionate life for God. That is what I want for my Husband that is what I want for myself and that is what example I want to set for my children. Do what is your PASSION not because you have to pay the bills, not because you need money and it's a paycheck. Do what God has designed you to do. (I was not deisgned to be in food service OR retail.)
It is unfortunate that my parents instilled the paycheck mentality instead of the passion search.
I have never had I job I loved. There were jobs that I loved parts of, but never the job itself. I was a Clinque consultant, that would be the job I must enjoyed. I loved making people feel SPECIAL, seeing their eyes light up having the one on one connection with them. I could care less about trying to SELL them make-up I wanted to GIVE them joy. The part I hated was having to close other registers at night. I hate counting money. Money sucks. There never is enough, you gotta have it, people are greedy, stuff is expensive...I hate money. I hate trying to work money out of people. (oh, so I just did your face and you look stunning now you must buy every product I just used in order to feel this way again.) Um NO. I hated that part too, usually I encouraged them not to buy and gave free samples, if they really liked the product they could come back and get it.
I'd like to pay for my things in compliments. I'm good at that, I got plenty of them, can never run out and they make the OTHER person feel good. It's money for their SOUL. We're suppose to build up a storage of that right? So yeah, let's start paying for our stuff in compliments.
"You build beeUtiful houses. I think you attention to detail is amazing and the way you thought about how a family will interact with each other in this use of space is perfect. The neighborhood was deisgned for families to get to know each other. This is exactly the kind of home I would want for my family. Could I please have it?"

"You just grow the best fruits and vegetables, They are so fresh and healthy looking. I love that you care enough about me and the environment to grow organically, I'd love to share these delicious things with family and friends. May I have a basketful?"

"It is so cool how you were gifted in fixing cars, God knew we would need your hands to understand our cars, and to safely get them back on the roads. I'll tell you what. You get this car running like new and I will bake you the most amazing chocolate cookie. Fair trade?"

See, it would be that simple really. (I just watched Jamie Oliver and I am typing in his accent in my head.) Just thought I'd throw that out there cause this isn't rambly enough is it! HA I so hear him. Cheero pip pip and all that...

Boat boat boat:
I'm sea sick really (darn it, that accent didn't last)
I would LOVE for Jesus to come walking on out and call me out. I'd SO walk on the water, I'd just like to be out of the BOAT. Off the ride, anchored, steady. Rainbows would be nice. They are SO pretty.
See, I ended with a compliment can I get paid for that?


  1. Depression is a tough battle to face. I find it interesting that you said you cling to the suffering. Just recently I was reeling under a blow. The thought came to me that I should turn it over to the Lord, but instead I caught myself making a conscious effort to cling to the pain. I had to back up and then consciously choose to talk to the Lord about it.

    One of the things you can do to fill a very definite need is to hold your family, and especially your husband, up in prayer. I know you already know this, but it bears repeating that this is a definite way to fill a need.

    I know these are hard times. I'm praying for you.

  2. Hmmm, tough times. Glad you can put it all out here. We women need to give voice to our discouragement so that we can be lifted up and encouraged.

  3. "depression hurts"...ever see that commercial on t.v. and wanna chuck your shoe through it? i SOOOO get you on SOOO much of this sara. clinging to the suffering. well mine was clinging to the chaos because in some wharped torturous way it was comfortable. probably cuz it was how i grew up. that disgusting pit full of doubt, grossness, despair and yep depression...really? that's what i'm chosing? sadly i have at times.

    God has been giving me victories over victories in this area. in reading this post i can't help but shout horray for you that you are laying it out there. keep dropping it at his feet sara. step by step He's gonna bring you and your sweet family through. you are overcoming incredible odds at what i know in how you were raised. focus on some of that fabulous positive!! cuz you ROCK sister sara!!


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