I have been struggling lately with worthlessness; feeling like my prayers are falling on deaf ears; wondering if God has time for little ole me. Is he tired of me? Tired of the same prayers: There she goes again...
It is funny and not ha ha, how my mind does that to me; tells me that I'm not that important, or there is bigger things He is attending to. My plea is, well, just background noise in His to do list.
I woke one evening, or rather I was up late and waited for my husband to go out for his paper route and I sobbed. I cried out "I need you! I'm sinking..."
I let it all out, and in the morning I felt released. Though the stress was still there, I had a overall "I can do this attitude."
I had lunch with a dear friend, who so lovingly encouraged me. I met another for coffee. Both were cherished visits.
Friday I had plans with my Mom, which if you've been reading long that relationship is a work in progress. We were going to go to a craft show together. I love browsing. My daughter was with, so it was just us girls. A rare treat. Mom had a big bag of caramel corn waiting for us. Yum.
After the craft show I needed to go to the jewelery store which is ONLY on that side of town to get my ring checked and a new back for some earrings, as we were driving over I saw JC Penny's and asked to stop there. I am in need of a new winter jacket. The one I've been wearing has broken the zipper twice, I got it repaired once at a tailor that cost nearly as much as a new jacket! As we were browsing the store I found some fun tops on clearance. After filling my arms we all headed to the fitting room. I worked my way through the pile. Some were pretty, some looked better on the hanger and one got oohs and ahhs from Mom and Butter. Everything goes through the filter want vs. need. The truth was I needed a new jacket, the top was pretty, but even for less then $15 it was taking away from the need. I put all the tops back on the rack and headed for the jackets. While I was trying things on I noticed my mom was holding the blouse. I asked her what she was doing with it and she said "I'm going to get it for you."
I laughed and said "Well I guess I know what I'm getting for Christmas!" She said "It's not for Christmas, I think you should have it."
This is a woman who will not go to the movies unless it is budgeted one month in advance!
I was shocked and humbled by her generosity.
Yesterday we got hammered with snow, it was a two plower. (meaning we had to plow/shovel twice in one day) So the mail never got brought in. We remembered the mail this afternoon. I received a card from the friend I had lunch with. In it she told me she felt God asking her to obey him by treating me to lunch, but that afternoon she decided to do it next time. She went on to say that he kept nudging her and within that card was a very generous "treat". It wasn't until I read her words that I started putting things together.
This weekend I was blessed in two very different ways, by two different people. People whom I could only except from that it was GOD's work, speaking to me about my worth, how He is taking care of me and that He LOVES me and I am deserving of His blessing.
As I clear the tears from my eyes, I can only say I am speechless.
I know that this struggle of worth will not end for me until I get to Heaven, but it's these times, His reaching down to remind me that I AM HIS, HE IS LISTENING, and I AM LOVED.
I am humbled, speechless and my heart is saying a millions praises.