Depression bit me in the ass again.
IT happens every so often where something unforeseen reels up and my faith is shaken. I hate admitting that I loose it sometimes; where I just.want.to.be.in.control.
I hate admitting that briefly, depression stuck it's long nasty claws in me and took me out for a bit.
But I'm here; surviving, writing about it.
I usually look forward to weekends. Kids out of school, Husband home...family together. As with most weekends there is always something that needs to get done. This weekend Hubs undertook taxes.
Now for us, we usually get blessings for the "tax man", just two years ago it was the reason were able to go to Disney as a family. I don't know why it still does; but it AMAZES me how God blesses us.
If I let depression answer that: it'd be saying: "Well that's cause you're a no good sinner...you don't deserve it, that's why it amazes you."
Yeh, anyway, I'm not giving into that sort of thinking, and that is why it's lingering around, needling me.
Last year was a hard one, Hubs laid off, looking for a job. No money coming in and having to deplete savings.
This year we owe. A lot. It sent me spiraling into fear and anger and complete brattiness!
I'm sure God was quite proud of that tantrum. I ached, and cried and cursed and cried some more.
I spent entire day secluded from my family just so I could get through it. When I thought I was done, I'd curse again. When I felt the hurt lesson, it would hit me again.
The good thing that I can take away from this is; God can handle ANYTHING. And he doesn't just want my happy, grateful, worshipping side. He wants the broken, ugly, mad side too, so He can do what he does and wash us clean again, and again and again.
I was tested with things this week and pretty much failed with each one.
((I am laughing while writing that...))
Not so bad saying it. Makes me laugh, of course I failed, HELLO? Human.
I am hardest on myself.
Thinking if I only try harder I'll be perfect.
No, it doesn't work like that and I know it. I don't like that it doesn't work like that...but I've got a God that loves me. Understands me. Let's me brat out and gnash my teeth. Curse and cry and shake my fist. And when I'm spent, he gently or sometimes not so gently picks me up, dusts me off and says: "Go on then...Keep going, BELIEVE in ME. Keep the FAITH."
And off I go, wiping the snot from my nose, still bitter taste in my mouth, but biting my tongue and moving FORWARD.
Yes, I still look back and He just stands there shaking his head and pointing onward. Can't win any fights with that one.
He loves me. I have to believe that. Why is that SO HARD?!?
Crap, it's hard to do!
I've been obsessing again on my British crush, made myself a mug with him on it. My family thinks I lost my marbles. Probably. What I think I like most about him...he was super famous in a group, they said HE would be the biggest star to go off on his own. He failed miserably and had to watch a band mate's star rise instead. He struggle with his own demons and depression and continued on never knowing what was in store. Now he is even more famous and this time respected and he is HUMBLE about it, giving others the spotlight instead of taking it for himself.
I read his book, watched countless interviews, listened to his music. It is inspiring to me that what we think we want or have can change in a minute, how are you going to carry yourself through it? Kicking and screaming? (my usual way) or holding your head high and hanging on for dear life to the one who's in charge?
Nearly 40 and this is just starting to sink in.
so currently; I am listening to a song He co-wrote with the band mate he fell out with, and have since reconnected with; they have a raging bromance going...love it...shows what forgiveness can do.
I wanted to share a lyric with you.
" I stumble through the words as they're leaving me
tremble at the sight of your majesty
and I cut myself just to get them out.
This time I'll be different I promise you
This time I'll be special you know I will
just don't leave with me in your eyes."
Song lyrics can speak to us all differently, for me sometimes the harshest ones are what heal me most.
There have been times where an upbeat, praise anthem will come on and I will want to stab myself in the head, because I just can't grasp the glory, when I'm feeling pain. But that line:
I cut myself just to get them out...
*I have NEVER self harmed*
but the metaphor of it. I usually need to have a good purge of ugly before I can see the beauty.
The ugly takes a good bite out of me and once I bleed it out, it can heal and the scar is a reminder I made it through, I'm going to make it through, just keep going because God isn't going to let me cry about it forever.
I like the grit of life, never been much for the rosy colored glasses, or unicorns and rainbows. Oh, sure I like to throw around some glitter, but I feel most comfortable in the dust and grime of it. I'm not saying I LIKE it there, it's just where I find comfort. Someday...I'll be at home in breath-taking beauty...just not today.
And that is How God and I do it.
Not today. Keep going.
Not today. Keep going.
Did you SEE that? Wow that was something...so how about...? Oh, not today. Okay I'm going.