There will be tears

There are some changes happening around here.
Hubby found out that the company he works for is being sold.
Yesterday, we found out who the buyers are and that Rob will indeed keep his job.
We don't have any details other then that.
These last few years have been tough on us. Financially, and mentally.
When we are faced with adversity Rob and I bond together, we go into it hand in hand.
I haven't been feeling that lately. As a matter of fact I've felt frozen out.
He doesn't want me to worry, or be scared.
I am grateful for that, but we've always done it together.
I asked him last night, if he would like it if I told him things "on a need to know" basis. I asked him how it would make him feel if I only told him things I knew for sure.
{Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be a whole heck of a lot!}
He told me he didn't have any "feelings", that he was indifferent to it all.
I told him that it felt like he was becoming indifferent to us, to me.
We used to share our hopes and dreams.
One of his dreams was to run the company when his uncle retired, and that my friends is happening right now...his uncle is retiring, but decided to sell the company to someone else. Someone that was a peer for my husband and now he will be Rob's boss.
I do not for one second believe that a dream not coming true leaves one; as caring and warm as my husband is, indifferent.
That just simply can't be true.
It can leave someone numb for awhile, but indifferent, no.
Rob asked me "What are you afraid of? Because it feels to me like there is more to it."
How often do we admit our greatest, deepest fears?
If you are like me, never! Because to speak it would surely mean it'll happen, right? The devil will come up behind you and take that knowledge and plot and scheme. Even if he can't make it happen he sure as heck can work at your mind...
My greatest fear is to be alone.
Wow shocker huh?
I grew up feeling like I didn't matter, I was right there in a family that treated me like I was the dust bunny in the corner. Every now and then it would get cleaned, but eventually it would find it's way back in the corner where it was forgotten. In my relationship with my husband was the first time I ever felt like I belonged somewhere. That I had found "home". It took me a long time to trust that God had put Rob in my life for that reason. I still have doubts about why Rob chose me; that I am enough... So when I feel him pulling back, freezing me out, keeping things inside; I am smacked full on with my fear of being alone.
There are probably a couple of great verses I could put here about God being our strength in times of trial; but the truth for me is that I've been taught that words mean very little, actions speak. Hearing words when action is needed doesn't work for me.
And that is because in Christian terms I am a baby. My walk with Jesus has only just begun, I have not been on the path long enough to trust the word. I have not had good mentors and leaders that have gone on the path before me.  I would be Thomas, I would need to touch the scars to believe...
Sometimes I need to be the strong one, because that is the only way to test my faith, test my strength. If you had big muscles and never used them, they wouldn't be big for very long right?
It is the same in marriage: if one is always the strength and one is always the leaner, rest never happens, building never happens.
One becomes lazy, the other weak and tired.

What I know for sure, is God is using this as a learning experience for us. I am not in control, Rob is not in control; but God is and there will be tears. There always is when growth is needed.

Different.

Hello? Is anybody out there? I know you're there. I see you on my site reader. Oh yes, I took advice from Linda and got me one.
Maybe you are all over at Snapfish making your books and got no time to dilly dally here. Can I at least get a thank you for the tip on the free goods?
So while your thinking of just the right words to show your gratitude lets talk about GRATITUDE.
I visited a blog this morning that offered up a book about Personal Accountability. How we rant about things and what good it does for our situation or you who come read about it. I had this sarcastic comment all written and as I was reading it back to myself, I thought
"HUH, what is she doesn't read it like I'm saying it? What if it sounds mean and offending to her?"
So I erased it and started over telling her just what I told you and added.
"The holidays are coming. People pleasing Sara needs to have her rants or she will end up in a padded cell."
I have family I don't like, I have family I do like and wished liked me back, I have family who don't like me, and for whatever reason it drives me crazy. HOW can people NOT like me. It's not like they've EVER sat down and talked to me, or gotten to know me. It's just been right off the bat, "This is so and so..." and WHAM I'm hit by a cold burst of freezing wall.
I am gracious to all, but it wears on this sensitive heart.
I am all for personal accountability. I feel that some of THEM need it more than I. I have you. You gals keep me real.
Can I buy that book in mass Heidi? I could give it as gifts. ha ha ha.
I am grateful for my mother and father in-law. They are excellent replacements for my birth parents.
I do get along for the most part with Mother. But we are very different and we do not share the same views on faith. Mother believes stories of Jesus. Mother also believes that man wrote the bible there for it isn't true. It is what man wanted to write and not inspired by God or God-breathed. She was raised Catholic. Her first husband was Lutheran and her parents wouldn't come to the wedding...ok I'm not airing all Mother's secrets, just giving you background. I can't be myself around Mother. I am doing my best to bring scripture into daily life. To throw out nuggets of truth through out my day. If Mother gets a whiff of it she becomes cold. Standoffish. Conversation has ended. How do you celebrate Christmas without the Christ??? Well, Mother has perfected it. She comes to our house and does her best to smile, she has to smile it's not just me in the room you see...
I am so grateful that I can talk of our Lord as much as I want and see him in my In-laws.
As I have said my world is black or white. Truth or Lie. It is easy for me to see the ones who have given themselves to Christ. It is easy to see those who have not. Some are really good at playing the part...My point.
My heart breaks for these. I am surrounded by these, more so at holidays. It is painful to go around the table at thanksgiving and listen to the hearts that thank without thanksgiving. Then it comes to me, and I cry. Most think it's because I'm moved by what has gone around the room. No. My heart is breaking because of what has gone around the room. I can barely make out the words they are a whisper, how I wish I could SHOUT them.
"I am grateful to my Lord and Savior, Jesus. Who paid all and gave me life. For God and my family who are my blessings from him." I barely get these last words out because they have moved on. I am too quite for them to realize I'm still talking. And so it keeps going. The thanks without thanksgiving. And my heart breaks a little bit more. At Christmas we have stopped going to a gathering and changed how we do Christmas. Because at this place there are SO many gifts. It is all about the big show of gifts. What Christ gave us can't fit in a box. Can not be wrapped and tied with a bow. There is not a mention of Him here. It's when when when can we open...
This year I have a plan! I am going to START! When we begin to gather and the first inkling of sharing begins I am going to lift up my voice and say."JESUS! I am thankful that you gave me life. And that one day I will see the place you describe in your words as prepared for me. Thank you Lord for your sacrifice." And then if any of those wish to comment by all means come. Let me speak of the truth!
I could ask what are you grateful for? I know the answers Family, friends, Christ...
Tell me something that you struggle with(if you'd like) or that you've changed ? Give me some nuggets of truth.
Have you ever had to say No to a celebration because what you celebrate and what they did weren't the same?