There are some changes happening around here.
Hubby found out that the company he works for is being sold.
Yesterday, we found out who the buyers are and that Rob will indeed keep his job.
We don't have any details other then that.
These last few years have been tough on us. Financially, and mentally.
When we are faced with adversity Rob and I bond together, we go into it hand in hand.
I haven't been feeling that lately. As a matter of fact I've felt frozen out.
He doesn't want me to worry, or be scared.
I am grateful for that, but we've always done it together.
I asked him last night, if he would like it if I told him things "on a need to know" basis. I asked him how it would make him feel if I only told him things I knew for sure.
{Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be a whole heck of a lot!}
He told me he didn't have any "feelings", that he was indifferent to it all.
I told him that it felt like he was becoming indifferent to us, to me.
We used to share our hopes and dreams.
One of his dreams was to run the company when his uncle retired, and that my friends is happening right now...his uncle is retiring, but decided to sell the company to someone else. Someone that was a peer for my husband and now he will be Rob's boss.
I do not for one second believe that a dream not coming true leaves one; as caring and warm as my husband is, indifferent.
That just simply can't be true.
It can leave someone numb for awhile, but indifferent, no.
Rob asked me "What are you afraid of? Because it feels to me like there is more to it."
How often do we admit our greatest, deepest fears?
If you are like me, never! Because to speak it would surely mean it'll happen, right? The devil will come up behind you and take that knowledge and plot and scheme. Even if he can't make it happen he sure as heck can work at your mind...
My greatest fear is to be alone.
Wow shocker huh?
I grew up feeling like I didn't matter, I was right there in a family that treated me like I was the dust bunny in the corner. Every now and then it would get cleaned, but eventually it would find it's way back in the corner where it was forgotten. In my relationship with my husband was the first time I ever felt like I belonged somewhere. That I had found "home". It took me a long time to trust that God had put Rob in my life for that reason. I still have doubts about why Rob chose me; that I am enough... So when I feel him pulling back, freezing me out, keeping things inside; I am smacked full on with my fear of being alone.
There are probably a couple of great verses I could put here about God being our strength in times of trial; but the truth for me is that I've been taught that words mean very little, actions speak. Hearing words when action is needed doesn't work for me.
And that is because in Christian terms I am a baby. My walk with Jesus has only just begun, I have not been on the path long enough to trust the word. I have not had good mentors and leaders that have gone on the path before me. I would be Thomas, I would need to touch the scars to believe...
Sometimes I need to be the strong one, because that is the only way to test my faith, test my strength. If you had big muscles and never used them, they wouldn't be big for very long right?
It is the same in marriage: if one is always the strength and one is always the leaner, rest never happens, building never happens.
One becomes lazy, the other weak and tired.
What I know for sure, is God is using this as a learning experience for us. I am not in control, Rob is not in control; but God is and there will be tears. There always is when growth is needed.
