Thursday, January 15, 2009


I feel like I've been bombarded by the "sex issue".
This last November I went to a Hearts@Home conference. Where I discovered that I had never really forgiven myself for past sins in this area. That was holding me back from well, you know having great sex with my Hubby. Not for lack of trying, WHEN we'd try. But the stupid mental tapes that run through my head.
Here's a rundown.
  • Nice girls do NOT make noise.
  • Nice girls do NOT wear things other then knee-length sleeved nightgowns.
  • What is a THONG?
  • Oh, I WON'T be wearing THAT.
  • Dirty is something that mud makes you right?
  • Dirty talk? Two pigs fell in the mud.
  • Dress-up. (This is wear I actually have to put on full-face make-up and put down the sweatpants?)
  • Experimenting with food. ( Where you exchange recipes right?)
  • Chocolate syrup. On anything OTHER than Ice Cream it's just a mess. I don't LIKE messes. I'm pretty sure that whoever devised this particular activity had money to throw out these sheets and buy brand new ones. 1000 count sateen no doubt.
  • Nice girls don't give instructions.
  • Why don't men and women "turn-on" at the same rate?
  • Good girls don't sit around thinking about all the ways they are A) letting their husbands down in this area, B) Planning the next rendezvous C) shaving areas to look like BEFORE they became women.
  • Nice girls act nice in bed. Missionarily speaking of course.

I could go on and on.

Last week if your an Oprah fan, she had on Dr. Laura Berman. She is a sex therapist.

I watched the show. There was a woman on there that had never had an orgasm. and A woman who like me had the "nice/good girls don't" attitude. She told of how her mother was married 8 times and that she had walked in on her once. She was determined NOT to be like her mother.

I too recall coming home from school one afternoon and realizing I should NOT have come home that afternoon. "MY EYES ARE ONE FIRE!" comes to mind here. Sight, sound all there and never going away. EWWE!

Dr. Berman gave No O lady a *ahem* tool. I must say I am totally embarrassed just thinking about tools. My hand begins to shake and I feel dirty. Maybe that comes from finding the true smut Magazines in my Dad's closet when I was 15 and looking for the monopoly game. No O lady said it helped her achieve her, um goal. She didn't look dirty to me.

Lots of things can be said how women DESERVE to be pleasured...or whatever.

I get the heebie-jeebies when people start talking about how I need to know my body before I can expect someone else to know how it works. (trying so hard not to choke here. cough cough)

I am NOT that kind of free-spirit. I can't even SAY the word, much less try out the definition.

Ok, my point. I went to Rachel@ Musings blog today she had this link. A Challenge. Bibical based. Talking about regular encounters of the Chexin kind keep satan away and keep the marriage strong. (I say chexin because I freak out over terms like, Oh I'm so not going to say Chexin was my word verif on Rachel's comment thingy. I thought it summed things up nicely. Although according to Dr. Berman women need to use the CORRECT terms for things otherwise they will never be comfortable you know...)

Oh, fine grow up already right?

Ok, this is the MOST personal post ever E.V.E.R. for me.

Ladies, how do I KNOW that trying something new, out of my comfort zone is HONORING to God. Ok, we use microwaves...somebody invented them...God gave them the knowledge to invent it. So, does that make the "tools" ok to use? How about the fantasy play-out things? I'm not saying I WANT to do these things...I'm asking for clarification. Say that He wants to get romantic on a beach...she is deathly afraid of being seen, way out of the comfort zone of bed, dark room, no children in the HOUSE even. How do I know where and how to let go and be OK to experiment for the sake of keeping it strong and where things are not honoring to God. Because frankly the whole God sees everything; FREAKS me out in terms of; no matter how dark my ROOM is, he's seeing...Oh MAN I can NOT believe I just said that to ya'll.

Seriously, help a girl out. If you don't want to comment so everyone will see it, can you just email me then. I SO need some sisterly advice here.

For me, my walk in Christ does not include sex. It is something naughty people do, with their naughty little minds in the naughty world outside the bible teaching. Sex and the Bible, following Jesus; just don't seem to be in the same LANGUAGE. I have read Song of Solomon. I can't seem to wrap my head around the REAL terms of things: now I have to interpret phrases like: Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom...

I'm pretty sure we are not in the supermarket anymore Dorothy. And I can honesty say their are NO pomegranates here...maybe roma tomato perhaps and defiantly cottage cheese.

I sure hope I am making you laugh, because this is seriously awkward, but divinely needed.

See I took up the challenge, and I now need accountability and help getting OUT off this "nice girl" thingy and into a Song of Solomon kind of gal for my dear sweet Hubby. We need some honest to goodness Chexin.

I feel like this is going to be the first post EVER for me that I wish I could hit delete instead of Publish....ARGH ! Be nice. Please.


  1. sara, you sweet thing! i'm off to lunch w/ a friend, but i will definitely be back to comment more. for now, peace my friend. this is a biggie topic but being honest, asking for wisdom and growing in this area is something i admire about you at this moment! chin up. this could be the start of something wonderful & beautiful with you and your hubby!! ☺

  2. I am so glad you had the nerve to post this! You go girl. And I have a couple of things to tell you. First, getting out of our comfort zones in the area of sex is a good thing but it is never to be humiliating. If it is between the husband and wife and if both are up for it, go for it. But neither party should ever be humiliated in the process. And there is a difference between embarrassment and humiliation. When stepping out of your comfort zone, you are going to be a bit embarrassed. believe me your hubby will know your are stepping out and will love you even more for it.

    I have a group of girlfriends I met in our first church 20 years ago. We all get together the last weekend of Feb and have for the last 15 years. One of the things that we do, besides eating laughing and hanging out, is we all have to come up with one thing we are going to do when we get home to knock the socks off our men. We share it and hold each other accountable. We have code words for emails like "the sun is shining" when we have accomplished our goal!! it is too much fun and it also ensures that we get our weekend EVERY year!! ha! One year, we all took "pictures" for our husbands. Oh my word, you should of seen us at walmart huddling around the photo machine with our coats out so NO ONE could see. Then we made the photo guy count the pictures from the was hilarious. But it was one of the BEST things I have done for my hubby. some day, my kids may find those pictures (yikes), but they will sure know that I loved their dad!!

    okay one more thing quick. did you know that it is actually a physical need for your husband to have sex. It is not just that they think about it all the time...the sperm builds up and it is actually uncomfortable and can be painful if it is not released. I did not know this until many years into my marriage. And it gave me a different out look on how my husband works!
    Wow, this was long and I could go on. email me if you want to talk more!

    Love ya girl! This is such an important AND wonderful part of your marriage for both of you (even if you don't think it is right now) good for you for taking the step to work on it!

  3. First I have to tell you that I like you new look!
    Second - wow, do I admire your honesty.
    Third - I don't really feel comfortable offering advice, but I do think that anything you both feel comfortable with is okay - as long as it's legal... Chexin is a gift that God gave us and wants us to enjoy. I think it's easier for men and it would be nice if we both "turned on" at the same rate!

  4. the world takes so many beautiful things from God and turns them into ugly. my first "advice" is to turn off oprah. go to your local? christian book store. there's gotta be books out there on this hot topic, i just know it.

    is there someone in your church or friend circle that you admire that you can talk openly about this. its one thing for us peeps online to give our points but to have someone you meet with, see and can hug would be good.

    please don't take this wrong, but what about counseling or a mentorship with someone who is qualified to help you process thru a lot of these mixed messages on "good girl/bad girl"? sometimes sifting thru and going deeper helps us understand how to change that thinking. i know i have done it and it made a tremendous difference in my life.

    Most of all, listen to the Spirit. It will be the one to guide you in what is right or not right in your intimate relationship with your husband. it does seem strange to bring God into this aspect of being a human. and understanding that He created it and it is good is a big one. i know one thing....saying everything you've said here to your husband would probably be good in figuring out how to communicate in what your needs are and his as well.

    seriously, i can see this step in being vulnerable to us all as a great leap towards bettering your marriage. we all need to work on it, in some form or another! i look forward to hearing how God grows you in this area and you better be sharing what you learn!

    God is so cool to create something so beautiful for us to enjoy! ☺

  5. Sara,
    This is a struggle for soooo many women. You are NOT alone. It's rare for a woman to be totally comfortable (and totally into) the whole chexin thing :)

    I wish I were able to give some kind of GREAT advice, but I'm not.

    I think it's a process, something we learn slowly and even a bit carefully. And maybe that's part of the beauty of it. Especially for those of us that weren't all that pure when we got married. The consequences of having made mistakes in the past haunt us and it's not fun, but the beauty of grace is that we WILL figure it out. And while we do, we are somehow creating a bond with patient husbands :)

    Have you read "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It's fiction, based on Hosea. It's beautiful and it speaks SO clearly to this "past sin" issue, revealing a God that is SO unconditional and a relationship that speaks that love very loudly. Just an idea :)

  6. I used to struggle with this issue too ... making sure I was honoring God with every aspect of my life. As i get older, and read Song of Solomon, I realize God wants our sex with our spouse to be fun and exciting. I'm all about being adventurous as long as I don't feel degraded.

    You've got some courage posting this one, girl. I have great respect for you, brave one.

  7. All right girlie. I thought about emailing you but I'm putting it in a comment in case anyone else needs to read it. So I'm apologizing in advance for the novel.

    First of all, I recommend going to get a book called Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow (check it out from your library if you have to but for goodness sake's DON'T BE EMBARRASSED!). She addresses all the things you just brought up - toys, talk, etc. - and answers them WITH SCRIPTURE. It's wonderful.

    There. That should cover the lagniappe.

    Second, if you can finding Tommy Nelson's study on the Song of Solomon, get it and read it or attend his conference (they are usually free if they are in the area). He explains all the raisin cakes and apple tress.

    Third, and forgive me if I am a little bold, you are confusing the world's definition of "good girl" with God's. This is a master tool of Satan. He knows you have been cleansed and delivered from your sins of the past, so if he can't keep you down about those he's going to try to make you feel bad about what you do now. The TRUTH is that there is NOTHING you do now with your husband (short of bringing porn and other people into the bedroom, LOL) that you should feel bad about. Sex is a GIFT from God. The devil is trying to make you feel like you have to live up to some set of rules (and Paul goes into how rules only keep us in bondage in Romans 3-4) when God wants you to experience freedom with your husband! Furthermore, the devil could use this to try to drive a wedge between you and your husband, because men NEED this. It's why Paul encourages us to be in a marriage relationship if we don't have the gift of singleness because it is a physical, pulling need of men. Your husband needs to connect with you this way. I can't explain why God designed it the way He did; all I can think is that since women are emotional and men are physical, God gets all the bases covered with our wiring.

    You need to pray today and I am praying for you that Jesus set you free from the feelings of bondage you are experiencing. God is not "grossed out" by what you do in the bedroom with your husband. As strange as it sounds, it pleases Him when the two of you find pleasure in each other because THAT'S HOW HE DESIGNED IT!

    And trust me, as you move forward with your hubby in this area, more lies from the devil are going to come: I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, What if I'm not doing everything right?, What if my hubby isn't satisfied? When these come (because believe me, they will - Satan is a master deceiver) talk to Jesus about them and talk to your hubby.

    And I know it sounds weird to know and talk about what feels good to you. This will come with time as you and your hubby grow together and you become more comfortable with this part of your wifely role. Your hubby wants to know because trust me, as much as he loves you, he wants to make sure you are enjoying yourself as much as he is.

    And finally, my last advice is to pray. Pray with your hubby before you begin and asked for blessing over your marriage and your sex life (don't blush - just do it!). :) It's hard to feel dirty when you've just spent time with the Lord.

    Hope this helps! Thank you for being so honest. Love ya, girl!

  8. OK I just tried to find my Linda Dillow book and I can't find it which is stressing me out TO NO END but I think I remember what she said as far as the "lagniappe" stuff goes. She basically had three guidelines:

    1. No involvement of other people (this includes watching dirty movies). Based on the Scripture that it should be one man and one woman coming together to make one flesh.

    2. No s*domy, as this is expressly prohibited in Scripture.

    3. In regards to talk, she quotes, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths." Does this mean you can't speak sensually with your husband? Of course not. It means avoid filthy language, and you know the difference between sensual talk and filth.

    Those were her three guidelines for the "lagniappe." So what does that leave?

    Well, lots!

    Her final caution was to make sure both spouses were 100% comfortable with what is done in the bedroom and neither spouse feels degraded, because that would NOT be honoring to God. If both agree and both feel comfortable, then explore your marriage "benefits" to the fullest extent!

    OK, I'll stop now. :)

  9. Whoa, Rachel's preaching! I love it! I don't have much to add, Sara, but I did want to recommend a book called Sheet Music by Kevin excellent book. I am including a link to the listing at Amazon in case you want to read some reviews on it.

    Bless you, honey, for asking these questions and for wanting to find the answers and make this aspect of you and your hubby's life so much better.


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