This last November I went to a Hearts@Home conference. Where I discovered that I had never really forgiven myself for past sins in this area. That was holding me back from well, you know having great sex with my Hubby. Not for lack of trying, WHEN we'd try. But the stupid mental tapes that run through my head.
Here's a rundown.
- Nice girls do NOT make noise.
- Nice girls do NOT wear things other then knee-length sleeved nightgowns.
- What is a THONG?
- Oh, I WON'T be wearing THAT.
- Dirty is something that mud makes you right?
- Dirty talk? Two pigs fell in the mud.
- Dress-up. (This is wear I actually have to put on full-face make-up and put down the sweatpants?)
- Experimenting with food. ( Where you exchange recipes right?)
- Chocolate syrup. On anything OTHER than Ice Cream it's just a mess. I don't LIKE messes. I'm pretty sure that whoever devised this particular activity had money to throw out these sheets and buy brand new ones. 1000 count sateen no doubt.
- Nice girls don't give instructions.
- Why don't men and women "turn-on" at the same rate?
- Good girls don't sit around thinking about all the ways they are A) letting their husbands down in this area, B) Planning the next rendezvous C) shaving areas to look like BEFORE they became women.
- Nice girls act nice in bed. Missionarily speaking of course.
I could go on and on.
Last week if your an Oprah fan, she had on Dr. Laura Berman. She is a sex therapist.
I watched the show. There was a woman on there that had never had an orgasm. and A woman who like me had the "nice/good girls don't" attitude. She told of how her mother was married 8 times and that she had walked in on her once. She was determined NOT to be like her mother.
I too recall coming home from school one afternoon and realizing I should NOT have come home that afternoon. "MY EYES ARE ONE FIRE!" comes to mind here. Sight, sound all there and never going away. EWWE!
Dr. Berman gave No O lady a *ahem* tool. I must say I am totally embarrassed just thinking about tools. My hand begins to shake and I feel dirty. Maybe that comes from finding the true smut Magazines in my Dad's closet when I was 15 and looking for the monopoly game. No O lady said it helped her achieve her, um goal. She didn't look dirty to me.
Lots of things can be said how women DESERVE to be pleasured...or whatever.
I get the heebie-jeebies when people start talking about how I need to know my body before I can expect someone else to know how it works. (trying so hard not to choke here. cough cough)
I am NOT that kind of free-spirit. I can't even SAY the word, much less try out the definition.
Ok, my point. I went to Rachel@ Musings blog today she had this link. A Challenge. Bibical based. Talking about regular encounters of the Chexin kind keep satan away and keep the marriage strong. (I say chexin because I freak out over terms like, Oh I'm so not going to say any...so Chexin was my word verif on Rachel's comment thingy. I thought it summed things up nicely. Although according to Dr. Berman women need to use the CORRECT terms for things otherwise they will never be comfortable you know...)
Oh, fine grow up already right?
Ok, this is the MOST personal post ever E.V.E.R. for me.
Ladies, how do I KNOW that trying something new, out of my comfort zone is HONORING to God. Ok, we use microwaves...somebody invented them...God gave them the knowledge to invent it. So, does that make the "tools" ok to use? How about the fantasy play-out things? I'm not saying I WANT to do these things...I'm asking for clarification. Say that He wants to get romantic on a beach...she is deathly afraid of being seen, way out of the comfort zone of bed, dark room, no children in the HOUSE even. How do I know where and how to let go and be OK to experiment for the sake of keeping it strong and where things are not honoring to God. Because frankly the whole God sees everything; FREAKS me out in terms of; no matter how dark my ROOM is, he's seeing...Oh MAN I can NOT believe I just said that to ya'll.
Seriously, help a girl out. If you don't want to comment so everyone will see it, can you just email me then. I SO need some sisterly advice here.
For me, my walk in Christ does not include sex. It is something naughty people do, with their naughty little minds in the naughty world outside the bible teaching. Sex and the Bible, following Jesus; just don't seem to be in the same LANGUAGE. I have read Song of Solomon. I can't seem to wrap my head around the REAL terms of things: now I have to interpret phrases like: Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom...
I'm pretty sure we are not in the supermarket anymore Dorothy. And I can honesty say their are NO pomegranates here...maybe roma tomato perhaps and defiantly cottage cheese.
I sure hope I am making you laugh, because this is seriously awkward, but divinely needed.
See I took up the challenge, and I now need accountability and help getting OUT off this "nice girl" thingy and into a Song of Solomon kind of gal for my dear sweet Hubby. We need some honest to goodness Chexin.
I feel like this is going to be the first post EVER for me that I wish I could hit delete instead of Publish....ARGH ! Be nice. Please.