Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sharing Journal entry #1

I'll write this out because it's hard to read:
Oh, the comfort-the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person-having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. (orange piece)

People who are truly self-confident and self-accepting do not feel the need to get up every morning and tell the world how wonderful they are.
(blue piece)
Now I'd like to share the entry directly following this page:
Hello Ugly Girl.
This is what comes to mind.
Today was one of the more trying and painful. C leaves for prison on Sept. 7 for embezzlement. Father has decided to pretend it's a vacation. D has her court date for her embezzlement felony coming up and S was found guilty of his 2 DUI in 5 years. It was shoved in my face how put together D was. How she "had it all, good job, married...blah blah blah" Now look D and S are getting divorced and both are going to jail. His girlfriend is off to prison and S is having her second kid out of wed-lock. And I'm the pain in the ass in this family????
Ugly girl.
You see this is how I was greeted everyday of my life growing up. It was my sister's favorite "name" for me. Though my parents never called me ugly, I felt ugly to them. All the queens they would fawn over, shower with attention. I wasn't good enough, talented, smart enough for praise. Once when I told Father I wanted to be Miss America. He asked "What will your talent be?
I still to this day have an empty hole inside that is layered with hurt, grief and guilt. Why wasn't I good enough for their love? For their acceptance?
Today I saw "ugly girl" again, she's still here. Even after eight months of blissful marriage and a baby on the way. Ugly girl still is here. She's a part of me, a part I'm not fond of or proud of, but she will always be with me.
How am I enough for this man? For this child? When I have never been anything but Ugly girl?

It is wrenching to read eh? It was but a moment. Okay, a day, but a moment in God's eyes. I was still doubting the Grace factor in 2002. I do still see Ugly girl, but usually she's holding some one's hand...he looks very nice, kind. I know he whispers loving words because I see her smile.
This started sometime around the spring of 2006. When I wrote my Father a note telling him why I could no longer have him in my life. That is a story for another time. I was deeply inspired by scripture, in fact most of the letter was written in scripture. Form that moment on, Ugly girl's new Father showed up. Now he's always with her.
This is the entry just after the one I wrote, and just shared. Isn't is clear how He's speaking to me. These words just appear in my box...then they magically fit.
All the purple words were one big chunk together that I cut to fit.
This is journal for me is more then a conversation, it's a love letter. To myself! WOO HOO!
Never thought Ugly girl would say THAT!


  1. Awww, sorry you had such crappy parents! But you're right, you have a real Father who loves you so much more! So glad you met Him! You should think of another name to say to yourself whenever you think "ugly" girl is coming, give her a new name! Like pretty girl, beautiful or worthy, because you are all of those!

  2. words of affirmation...we ALL need them! i am learning about God being my Father too these days...hard one to grasp and "accept" but oh so worth it!

  3. Awesome post Sara.
    I love your journal idea. It must be awesome to look back and see how far you've come.

  4. I'm sorry you had to go through this. What a blessing to your children that you are teaching them about respect and who their real father is too.
    When I read your post my mind kept thinking about Proverbs 3:15a "She is more precious than rubies;
    I also agree with Jennifer - you need to find a new name for "ugly".
    God continue to bless you Sara!

  5. What a great post. You are so honest and I think you are a talented write, even when in pain. I'm glad ugly girl doesn't show up too often anymore.

  6. Oh, dear friend. I am so sorry that you had to go through such pain. To us all you are most certainly NOT an "ugly girl", but rather a gem who was surrounded by bitter ugliness. Just reading about it makes me angry, so I can't even imagine how you must feel.

    It is obvious that you have learned and grown from your circumstances...and that our dear Lord used that time to build your Christmas character. Both HE and I see you as beautiful!

    WOO HOOing with you, girl. :-)

  7. Pretty Girl I Heart You. Remember the Swan thought he was an Ugly Duckling too - and He Never Was.

    Much Love,

  8. Praise God for being our Kinsman Redeemer (such as Boaz was for Ruth), the One who takes away pain inflicted by earthly fathers (or other people in our lives). I'm so thankful that you know Him now and can work through the pain on His terms by using His word. Thanks for sharing!

  9. I am such a Words of Affirmation girl, too, and I know what an impact they can have - as well as not hearing the things you need to hear. Praise God for his guidance - how far He has brought you, and oh how much He loves you!


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