I'll write this out because it's hard to read:
Oh, the comfort-the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person-having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. (orange piece)
People who are truly self-confident and self-accepting do not feel the need to get up every morning and tell the world how wonderful they are.
Now I'd like to share the entry directly following this page:
Hello Ugly Girl.
This is what comes to mind.
Today was one of the more trying and painful. C leaves for prison on Sept. 7 for embezzlement. Father has decided to pretend it's a vacation. D has her court date for her embezzlement felony coming up and S was found guilty of his 2 DUI in 5 years. It was shoved in my face how put together D was. How she "had it all, good job, married...blah blah blah" Now look D and S are getting divorced and both are going to jail. His girlfriend is off to prison and S is having her second kid out of wed-lock. And I'm the pain in the ass in this family????
You see this is how I was greeted everyday of my life growing up. It was my sister's favorite "name" for me. Though my parents never called me ugly, I felt ugly to them. All the queens they would fawn over, shower with attention. I wasn't good enough, talented, smart enough for praise. Once when I told Father I wanted to be Miss America. He asked "What will your talent be?
I still to this day have an empty hole inside that is layered with hurt, grief and guilt. Why wasn't I good enough for their love? For their acceptance?
Today I saw "ugly girl" again, she's still here. Even after eight months of blissful marriage and a baby on the way. Ugly girl still is here. She's a part of me, a part I'm not fond of or proud of, but she will always be with me.
How am I enough for this man? For this child? When I have never been anything but Ugly girl?
It is wrenching to read eh? It was but a moment. Okay, a day, but a moment in God's eyes. I was still doubting the Grace factor in 2002. I do still see Ugly girl, but usually she's holding some one's hand...he looks very nice, kind. I know he whispers loving words because I see her smile.
This started sometime around the spring of 2006. When I wrote my Father a note telling him why I could no longer have him in my life. That is a story for another time. I was deeply inspired by scripture, in fact most of the letter was written in scripture. Form that moment on, Ugly girl's new Father showed up. Now he's always with her.
This is the entry just after the one I wrote, and just shared. Isn't is clear how He's speaking to me. These words just appear in my box...then they magically fit.
All the purple words were one big chunk together that I cut to fit.
This is journal for me is more then a conversation, it's a love letter. To myself! WOO HOO!
Never thought Ugly girl would say THAT!