Raw.

I am surprised by the number of lurkers lately.
I am going to be blunt and as raw as I can.
I need to hear from you.
I am struggling in my life feeling like I am invisible.
Especially when it comes to my family.
I had a knock down drag out this morning with Mother.
She can take an honest and innocent comment and turn it in to a slap in the face in no time.
Mother feels that because Sherri (sister) and I don't talk, she is in the "middle".
If you need a refreshment on WHY Sherri and I aren't talking read this.
I want to make a clear as I can. I have tried to keep the kids out of it. I do not speak badly of Sherri in their ear shot and I sent a birthday gift to my niece when I didn't know when or where the party was being held. Said child never called to say thank you. Yet another reminder of how things are going on that end. Next child's birthday is coming this month...
Ok back to the middle. Butter is off school for spring break next week. I had arranged with Mother some quality time with just her and Butter.
Sherri was over at Mother's and noticed that Butter's name was on the calender and wanted Delaney to be over then too. Mother told Sherri that Delaney wasn't off school and she didn't think it was a good idea. Sherri invited them to dinner so the girls could play.
Here is my problem. EVERY time I arrange time for my kids to see their Grammy Sherri horns in. Wants the kids to see each other OR thinks if Grammy is babysitting one set then she must have the other.
Sherri lives very close to Mother. Blocks we are talking. We live 35 minutes away. Mother chooses not to visit us much. Our schedule being what it is and you mothers out there know, going out for a visit can seriously screw up a day. Especially on a 35 minute ride not counting traffic.
That is at LEAST one meal.
Ok.
So my point was. I was angry that once again Sherri was trying to horn in on my child's time. This was NOT a babysitting job this was days planned only for Butter away from her brother and us to spend bonding with Grammy. If it wasn't important to me that this be BUTTER'S time I would have sent Roo and had a couple days to myself. (Lord, knows I could USE them!)
No, this was for Butter.
I also said that I didn't like how Sherri was manipulating the opportunity to see or have her child play with Butter.
She can call ME if she'd like that to happen. WHICH she has chosen NOT to talk to me. Or invite the kids to Delaney's birthday party. I can nit-pick this one all day long. I'm still moving on to the real gag here.
When I expressed myself, Mother got all pissy. Claiming how hurt she is that we (Sherri and I) can't get along. And she's tried of being tin the middle.
Mother you could have said NO.
You could have said "This is time that I am spending with Nina. If you want to see her call your sister."
She didn't. She chose to say yes and then run it by me and what I thought.
I then started crying feeling like my kids ALWAYS get the short end of the stick when it comes to time with their Grammy.
Holy hell broke out. She went crazy nuts about how that isn't true...Don't I DARE say that to her...just because SARA needs to control everything.
Umm, Sara KNOWS who's in control and it SURE ain't Sara.
Then I hear things like
"Don't I deserve to be happy..."
"Don't I deserve a life..."
(her saying not me.)
I realized I never ONCE in ALL my arguments with my family, I have NEVER said I deserve.
Because it's NOT about ME. It's about what is right and fair and good and honest.
I get crapped on for MY beliefs. My relationship with Christ is a JOKE to my family.
They walk around and say don't I deserve this or that. Well Where's MINE.
Life is NOT about YOU. And WHAT you GET.
Life is about living in God's reflection. Walking a path with God. Doing what is right and honorable and GOOD.
Not getting all you can for yourself.
Not once has Mother ever encouraged me and praised me on being a good mother. She will say "Your kids are so good."
Oh, it's the KIDS that are good huh?
Not the love and nurturing and faith we are teaching them everyday, but the kids. Because kids left to their own goodness there out so well right?????
I was a freaking AWESOME good kid and yet for some reason I was never showed love or devotion and acceptance. Holy Sh** am I M.A.D.
When I tried to explain my feelings I was ATTACKED and discarded and my thoughts and values were left in shredded on the floor of the conversation. It got to the point that she was doing all the "talking" and my being left the conversation. I'm pretty sure the Spirit took over because I can't recall much of it and the emotions of what was said only go to a certain point and I was "shut off". Which I am grateful for. I don't think my heart could take anymore and HE knew it.
All I could say when the "talking" and ended for a long pause was.
In a calm and completely out of body voice said "I have nothing left to say."
That was it.
Then it all hit me at once.
No matter what I say, fell , do or think...it is and never will be accepted by ANYONE of my family members. Father, Mother and Sister.
Because they walk in the world and I walk looking up toward our Lord and Savior.
Now I will leave you with my dilemma.
I am tired of feeling like to the poo on the shoe of the Register family, only to be addressed when it gets stinky. Then it is wiped off and discarded until it happens again.
I no longer wish for Nina to send time with Mother. Because I feel like her time isn't as PRECIOUS as it deserves to be or will be given Mother's inability to stay out of the middle.
Rob has said wait for Mother to call over the weekend that normal people would call after that kind of call and indeed make sure everything was alright.
I reminded him that this is NOT a normal relationship Mother and I have and the call won't come until Weds. night when Nina is suppose to be dropped off and I will get the
"Oh fine Sara, whatever TSSK." When I tell her I've changed my mind and don't see the benefit of her going over there.
You may be thinking this is INSANE. Why would I possibly keep my child away for spending time with Grammy.
Here it is. SHE is retired. She can come out and VISIT anytime she'd like.
The excuses range from Doesn't like to drive, to the weather to not having money for gas...
All are reasonable excuse.
BUT lest we forget about the pageant stuff. Mother will spend a day at MOA a 50 minute drive from her in a whole lot of traffic to hang out with Queenie. She will make day trips out of town picking said Queenie up to go shopping for dresses in other states. She will be THERE at a pageant in any kind of weather because pageants don't get canceled.
She will make sure she has money to go to Miss America to root Queenie on but can't afford to have gas to come here or to have us for dinner there.
We give her Gift cards to the grocery store so that she can have food. We invite her HERE to eat OUR food.
In the end, She "deserves to have a life and spend her time and money on what she chooses."
You can decide for your self how to interpret that. I already know what it means to me. And it hurts.
So now about you lurkers. Just sign in and leave me something! I really need ya'll to HEAR me.
Even if you think I'm being a baby, say it. Then I'll dare you to take on Mother for yourself.
Just lay it out there. Trust me I took what she gave me and I'm still here, I can take anything you got.
I need some love.