Friday, March 6, 2009


I am surprised by the number of lurkers lately.
I am going to be blunt and as raw as I can.
I need to hear from you.
I am struggling in my life feeling like I am invisible.
Especially when it comes to my family.
I had a knock down drag out this morning with Mother.
She can take an honest and innocent comment and turn it in to a slap in the face in no time.
Mother feels that because Sherri (sister) and I don't talk, she is in the "middle".
If you need a refreshment on WHY Sherri and I aren't talking read this.
I want to make a clear as I can. I have tried to keep the kids out of it. I do not speak badly of Sherri in their ear shot and I sent a birthday gift to my niece when I didn't know when or where the party was being held. Said child never called to say thank you. Yet another reminder of how things are going on that end. Next child's birthday is coming this month...
Ok back to the middle. Butter is off school for spring break next week. I had arranged with Mother some quality time with just her and Butter.
Sherri was over at Mother's and noticed that Butter's name was on the calender and wanted Delaney to be over then too. Mother told Sherri that Delaney wasn't off school and she didn't think it was a good idea. Sherri invited them to dinner so the girls could play.
Here is my problem. EVERY time I arrange time for my kids to see their Grammy Sherri horns in. Wants the kids to see each other OR thinks if Grammy is babysitting one set then she must have the other.
Sherri lives very close to Mother. Blocks we are talking. We live 35 minutes away. Mother chooses not to visit us much. Our schedule being what it is and you mothers out there know, going out for a visit can seriously screw up a day. Especially on a 35 minute ride not counting traffic.
That is at LEAST one meal.
So my point was. I was angry that once again Sherri was trying to horn in on my child's time. This was NOT a babysitting job this was days planned only for Butter away from her brother and us to spend bonding with Grammy. If it wasn't important to me that this be BUTTER'S time I would have sent Roo and had a couple days to myself. (Lord, knows I could USE them!)
No, this was for Butter.
I also said that I didn't like how Sherri was manipulating the opportunity to see or have her child play with Butter.
She can call ME if she'd like that to happen. WHICH she has chosen NOT to talk to me. Or invite the kids to Delaney's birthday party. I can nit-pick this one all day long. I'm still moving on to the real gag here.
When I expressed myself, Mother got all pissy. Claiming how hurt she is that we (Sherri and I) can't get along. And she's tried of being tin the middle.
Mother you could have said NO.
You could have said "This is time that I am spending with Nina. If you want to see her call your sister."
She didn't. She chose to say yes and then run it by me and what I thought.
I then started crying feeling like my kids ALWAYS get the short end of the stick when it comes to time with their Grammy.
Holy hell broke out. She went crazy nuts about how that isn't true...Don't I DARE say that to her...just because SARA needs to control everything.
Umm, Sara KNOWS who's in control and it SURE ain't Sara.
Then I hear things like
"Don't I deserve to be happy..."
"Don't I deserve a life..."
(her saying not me.)
I realized I never ONCE in ALL my arguments with my family, I have NEVER said I deserve.
Because it's NOT about ME. It's about what is right and fair and good and honest.
I get crapped on for MY beliefs. My relationship with Christ is a JOKE to my family.
They walk around and say don't I deserve this or that. Well Where's MINE.
Life is NOT about YOU. And WHAT you GET.
Life is about living in God's reflection. Walking a path with God. Doing what is right and honorable and GOOD.
Not getting all you can for yourself.
Not once has Mother ever encouraged me and praised me on being a good mother. She will say "Your kids are so good."
Oh, it's the KIDS that are good huh?
Not the love and nurturing and faith we are teaching them everyday, but the kids. Because kids left to their own goodness there out so well right?????
I was a freaking AWESOME good kid and yet for some reason I was never showed love or devotion and acceptance. Holy Sh** am I M.A.D.
When I tried to explain my feelings I was ATTACKED and discarded and my thoughts and values were left in shredded on the floor of the conversation. It got to the point that she was doing all the "talking" and my being left the conversation. I'm pretty sure the Spirit took over because I can't recall much of it and the emotions of what was said only go to a certain point and I was "shut off". Which I am grateful for. I don't think my heart could take anymore and HE knew it.
All I could say when the "talking" and ended for a long pause was.
In a calm and completely out of body voice said "I have nothing left to say."
That was it.
Then it all hit me at once.
No matter what I say, fell , do or is and never will be accepted by ANYONE of my family members. Father, Mother and Sister.
Because they walk in the world and I walk looking up toward our Lord and Savior.
Now I will leave you with my dilemma.
I am tired of feeling like to the poo on the shoe of the Register family, only to be addressed when it gets stinky. Then it is wiped off and discarded until it happens again.
I no longer wish for Nina to send time with Mother. Because I feel like her time isn't as PRECIOUS as it deserves to be or will be given Mother's inability to stay out of the middle.
Rob has said wait for Mother to call over the weekend that normal people would call after that kind of call and indeed make sure everything was alright.
I reminded him that this is NOT a normal relationship Mother and I have and the call won't come until Weds. night when Nina is suppose to be dropped off and I will get the
"Oh fine Sara, whatever TSSK." When I tell her I've changed my mind and don't see the benefit of her going over there.
You may be thinking this is INSANE. Why would I possibly keep my child away for spending time with Grammy.
Here it is. SHE is retired. She can come out and VISIT anytime she'd like.
The excuses range from Doesn't like to drive, to the weather to not having money for gas...
All are reasonable excuse.
BUT lest we forget about the pageant stuff. Mother will spend a day at MOA a 50 minute drive from her in a whole lot of traffic to hang out with Queenie. She will make day trips out of town picking said Queenie up to go shopping for dresses in other states. She will be THERE at a pageant in any kind of weather because pageants don't get canceled.
She will make sure she has money to go to Miss America to root Queenie on but can't afford to have gas to come here or to have us for dinner there.
We give her Gift cards to the grocery store so that she can have food. We invite her HERE to eat OUR food.
In the end, She "deserves to have a life and spend her time and money on what she chooses."
You can decide for your self how to interpret that. I already know what it means to me. And it hurts.
So now about you lurkers. Just sign in and leave me something! I really need ya'll to HEAR me.
Even if you think I'm being a baby, say it. Then I'll dare you to take on Mother for yourself.
Just lay it out there. Trust me I took what she gave me and I'm still here, I can take anything you got.
I need some love.


  1. oh Sara.....I am so sorry that your family can't see the value in relationships or can't look past themselves to see what they are missing. But it is just that...THEY are the ones missing out. Unfortunately, since they don't know Christ and don't have the HS guiding them, they aren't able to see, act or love the way you want them to. It is Christ that gives you the ability to stop looking to self and look out to others. I am praying for you, friend. Praying for healing for your hurting heart, praying for wisdom and for God to just wrap his loving arms around you so that you will feel the ultimate in love, acceptance and respect.

  2. Hard, hard stuff.

    Sometimes loving people like we're called to feels like we're throwing ourselves under the's sucky...but it's also what we're called to.

    Christ hung on that cross, paying the ultimate shame and suffering for people who did unspeakable things to Him and He did it because He wanted to carry out the will of His Father.

    You can do it to, you can. He will equip you for what He's called you to...promised.

    Much love bloggy friend.

  3. Oh, Sara, my heart is just broken for you. I have never experienced anything like this, so I don't have much advice other than simply praying for their hearts. Pray that the walls they have built up are broken down. Pray that they stop rejecting the Lord, so He can enter their hearts.

    I can completely see how you are angry and hurt and confused. I'm mad just as a bystander!

    If they have chosen to act this way - Mother & sister - that is their choice, wrong as it is. You should NOT in any way feel like you have to stand by and take it. Simply be yourself and pray.....and do not let me bring you down. Although that is easier said than done.

    I wish I could give you a big hug! We could sit and talk and eat ice cream and watch mindless TV and laugh. Wouldn't that be fun!?

    Love ya, Sara.

  4. whew! I'm outta breath just reading your heart.

    I'm always (and I don't know why by now) shocked at how family are the ones we can be hurt by most.

    I love my mother and my sisters but often feel she favors them over me. (totally admitting that I often have pity parties over the deal) But then came to realize she is still trying to take care of them because she doesn't feel they can take care of themselves. Maybe this is the case in your family? Maybe not.

    Be proud of who you are, your husband and your kiddos. Often the Lord allows us to experience some muck so we can help others later on.

    We're called to love, Sara. Just be a lover. And pray. Pray. And pray some more. It's amazing how the heart can soften when we're praying for those we're loathing.

    Love to you.

  5. Sister! I feel you! We have much unwanted family drama, only mostly on my hubby's side.. for now...

    At multiple times during the current mess I have been pouting at the fact that it feels like everyone else can treat me like crap and just expects me to bear up under it. And the fact that I realize that no matter how I want to respond or how justified I would be in "returning evil for evil" I still need to obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit and return good for evil.

    My husband made a comment that helped settle my heart, a little, he pointed out that I CAN change, so God expects me to. Others seem unable or unwilling, but that is not my battle.

    I am not a lurker. This was my first visit, but I am glad I stopped by. I am praying for you.

    My advise. Don't make decisions while still upset.
    Don't give more into a realtionship than God wants you too. When you start to expect certain responces it really sets you up for dissapointment.

    Do know that God will equip you thru His spirit to respond like Christ.

  6. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, again. I don't have answers for you, but I do hurt for you. They are missing out on great things - not only time with the kids but a relationship with you. I'm praying for your hurt heart tonight.

  7. You DESERVE Some Love!

    I've been there, it is a painful, hard road to walk. My mother and I didn't speak for 3 Years. She missed out. It hurt, but I don't regret the time lost, because it would have been more of the same old same old, nothatnkyouverymuch. When it all ended, was when she got over herself to call and apologize. I was married with a child of my own when she made the choice to be removed from my life. I had to realize I was no longer a little girl that could get pushed around. Time to be the Mama I had always wanted, for my son.

    The best advice I was ever given, was from my father, who in all rights should be sainted. (My folks divorced when I was 2; he Never said a bad word about her.) Dad said, "when you have your own family, you can pick and choose the things you want to bring in, and leave out."

    Dang it, took my 29 years to get that. But better late than never! I'm choosing which things, and people, I bring into my life now. Started with Christ... just like you.

    Give yourself a huge hug (& a piece of chocolate!) from me. Everything's going to be alright... because you're the Mama, and Nina loves you.

    Blessings, Carolynn

  8. Sending you all my love, and lots of hugs. And btw, you have lots of Sara's that follow your blog!

  9. with all that sounds like a bunch of twists and turns at making this work, my "advice"...if you wanna call it that is to be honest w/ your mom in saying how important it is to you to let butter have her own personal time w/ her grandma. leave issues, feelings, etc. out of the picture. sounds like you can't get anywhere with them on it.

    but maybe set up another time that this can happen and your mom will have to choice to respect your wishes.

    i have learned a tremendous amount lately in dealing w/ my dad. my heart aches that these kids' grandparents do NOT make seeing them or being with them a priority.

    Lord help us sara, that we don't make these same heartbreaking mistakes!

    love & pray sister. it's all you can do. they have to change on their own.

  10. Oh wow...I am so sorry you have to go through this. Sending you LOTS of love and a big ol' hug, girl. You know we love you out here in bloggy land.

  11. Hey Sara! Your family sounds just as jumbled up as ours! :) Hang in there girl!

  12. I've been lurking. Sorry if I made you question anything. Anyway, I have totally felt what you are feeling. I have never had such a severe falling out, but I somewhat relate, and it's not good to feel so un-important. Just remember that you are important to your Heavenly father ALL THE TIME. :)

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  14. Dear Sara

    Just came upon your blog and read your saga. So sorry to hear that life with your very sinful and deprived mother and sister is so challenging. Remember what Paul says...Kindness to Enemies. The Bible recommends that a person treat his enemy (Your unsaved family members) kindly, “for by doing this you will heap fiery coals upon his head.” (Ro 12:20; Pr 25:21, 22) This metaphor is drawn from the ancient process of smelting, where coals were heaped on top of the ore as well as being underneath. So exercising kindness will tend to soften the person and melt his hardness, separating evil impurities and bringing out the good in him.

    Romans 12:20 But, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing this you will heap fiery coals upon his head.”

    Proverbs 25:21-22 if the one hating you is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. 22 For coals are what you are raking together upon his head, and Jehovah himself will reward you.

    Stand Firm. Don't give up. The love the Father has for you is greater than any human could ever express. You are in my prayers.

  15. Sara girl - I just want you to know I am so sorry that you have to go through this stuff. I am praying for you and wishing I could give you hugs. I know you have been hurt over and over by the people who are supposed to be there for you. It sounds like you are doing as well as you can under the circumstances. You are realizing their limitations and adjusting your expectations.


  16. oh, sara! i am so sorry to hear of this heartache you are going through right now! you family is completly missing out on what God can do in and thorugh YOU! it's hard to see the big picture in times like this...but He does have a plan.

    i'm praying for you...i hope your family can see His light through you soon! you are doing the right thing...i wish your family could see that!

  17. Umm...OK, first, I just realized that there are almost as many Sara/Sarahs out there as Jennifer/Jenni/Jens...

    Secondly, I have absolutely NO experience in dealing with your family, but, maybe the reason they avoid being with you is because the goodness in you, and your kids, and family, and your relationship with your husband, makes them feel worse about the way they choose to live their life.

    We all know that the goodness in you is only by the grace of God, but to them it's painful to see that you have something so great that they don't have. It's painful when darkness is exposed to LIGHT.

    Praying for you.


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