Monday, May 11, 2009

The one with Journal entries.

It's been awhile since I posted journal entries. A Long while, it's been longer yet since I've made new journal pages. I've been stuck.
You know how that is right?
Creatively or mental stuck in one place and try as you might you just feel more stuck, then something happens, or someone says something to you, or you have a dream that instead of getting caught IN it, it WAKES you.
We had brunch yesterday at my in laws. It was delightful. Until Grandma decided she'd be "encouraging."
I love G'ma she means NO harm, but sometimes she just doesn't LISTEN, or HEAR, which ever.
She asked if I'd talked to Mother. (She asks every time I see her.) I say nope.
Then she'll "remember" that I haven't spoken to Mother in over a month now. (I did send her a card for mother's day.)
"Oh, that's right...Oh I just pray that you can forgive..." She said just say words.
"G'ma I HAVE forgiven. Just because I don't talk to her doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge."
"Oh I know dear, I'm just saying it's so sad that you can't talk." Again just saying words that she is clearly not thinking about before saying.
* I have told G'ma the situation. In fact I end up having to explain it every time I'm with her because this always comes up.*
"Yes, it IS sad, but I can't do anything about it. I can't control other people."
"Well, I'll just have to keep praying about it."
Her attitude was as if she were the only one who considers this, the praying.
"Grams, I pray too, everyday, every time they pass through my thoughts..."
"Well, somethings not working..." she snaps.
(Right about now I'm thinking it's her mind. But I'm not saying THAT out loud.)
"Just because you pray doesn't mean it gets answered they way we want it to."
Mom piped in here trying to change the subject.
That's when G'ma got defensive.
"Now don't get mad, I'm just saying..."
"G'ma I KNOW what you are saying and I'm telling YOU that God has the situation. HE is working it. People have choices and if THEY choose to ignore him there is NO amount of praying that can change that. GOD is the only one that can solve this."
Tonya. "Yes, ma Sara has already said it's ok. She's ok with things."
I look Grams in the eye and say "I'm OKAY."
Man, she is a feisty one that one is.
It was the first time my Mom has stood up for me, where I've been in the room. She is the most non-confrontational person I know. It was cool. What wasn't cool is arguing with someone older who for what ever reason won't let something go when they are wrong. What I learned. I've never felt so completely at peace. I can say in my mind I'm ok. Meaning I'm reminding myself it's ok. There are days I don't dwell on the fact that I don't speak to my family. But something about yesterday brought it whole. I really AM okay. I can go about my life and be sad over the situation but the situation isn't holding me sad. Am I making sense?
I would rather be FREE from the pain and hurt then to have a relationship for looks sake, that holds me in bondage. See that's the enemy. HE wants me dwelling, in a pit of sorrow. He wants me to daily question my choices and believe that I'm selfish for not wanting to talk to them.
The TRUTH is: I DO want to talk to them. I DO want to reconcile. BUT it is up to GOD to make that happen. HE knows my heart and he knows just what I'll believe and how far I'll go when he asks it. Until them, I will wait upon my Lord, because it's only with him that I will reconcile with my family. I'm content waiting.
I had a wonderful day. I got to be lazy and GUILT-FREE.
Rob wanted to take me to dinner and I declined, it would have been a nightmare, so I rain checked. He and the kids got me a new bike. Tracker wide seat and granny handle bars! Now I just need my bell, mirror and basket from my old bike.
Mom got my this:

It's called Shorts story. It is the girlie-ist pink and I love it!
We are a busy family!
Get it "busy". There are enough patterns in this picture to make you dizzy so don't stare long.
And you can't even see Butter's socks: pink,orange and gray argyle!!!!
Back to what I was saying earlier about creativity. After my moment of peace and understanding, my mind just kind of freed up. Thoughts were following now where there had been blockage. I feel clearer. It feels nice. Or maybe it's the pills getting out of my system.
I went off birth control pills. I think they are screwing up my hormones and keeping in the blues.
If that doesn't work I'm going to the OB and getting some bio-identical hormones.
And no need to fret about hearing some "big news" over here. I'm taking other precautions. Mainly, abstaining for now since Hubby is in a sling for two more weeks.
Besides, I haven't felt like much of that anyway, and I SWEAR it was the pills. I'm 35 for crying out loud!
Let's move on.
The journal.
Lamentations 3:21-23
"Your mercies O Lord, never cease, for your compassions never fail- they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Verses are top, middle and bottom:

Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable... Philippians 4:8
God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2Timothy 1:7
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Writing says:

On May 25 2008: Memorial weekend, we had severe weather. A tornado touched down in Coon Rapids not far from our home. It passed just north of us and destroyed a neighborhood in Hugo. Many were fellow Eagle Brookers. (Our church home)It feels like I grew up over-night. Realizing random things just happen and luck if you can call it that was with us.

Yellow on blue says:

We should conduct ourselves not as if we ought to live for the body, but as if we could not live without it. ~ Sensca the Younger, Roman philosopher.

(I interpreted this as the Body of Christ. Because I WANTED to and it's MY journal.) Now read it again with my interpretation.

I like being where I'm not the only one who loves and lives by the TRUTH. I could not live without it. And THAT'S why I'm OKAY.


  1. great post Sara! I love your journal pages!!!

    What i love more is your focus and knowing that God is the one who needs to move in your family's situation and the only one who can. I love that you are able to wait on Him and be content with that!

    Love ya, girl!

  2. I love seeing your journal entries.

    And I NEED that color for my toenails! :)

  3. Love the pic of you and the kids :) Happy Mother's Day!

  4. Great Stuff!!

    OPI nailcolor is the best!!! I am currently wearing Bogota Blackberry. I looked at pink for summer, but I am more into the darker plum colors.

  5. Beautiful journal! I love how you encourage yourself this way. You go sista!!

  6. Love the pink! I must have it! Your journal looks so creative :)

  7. Gma cracks me up. oh how i wonder if i will be "gma" someday too. sounds like you handled it well and enjoyed your day despite a lot on your heart!

    the journal page on "stronger healthier" faith...oh that is SO ME right now and i loved it!


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