Thursday, May 21, 2009

They call me...Crab Salad.

This is a hermit crab. They are kinda creepy looking. Buggy eyed and hairy-legged.
This isn't a post about hermits. Or crabs really. It's about me and a side of my personality I call my hermit crab. And thats why they call me: crab salad.
If you don't understand this little nugget of funny, maybe this will help.

Have you ever seen Ron? I wouldn't blame you if your reaction was; "That blank-ity blank blank. H*ll no!" He IS a potty mouth. But darn stinkin funny.

I went through a phase a few years ago, took the "what you put in your mind" a wee bit too literal. (As with most things!) I was enjoying 24. The show where Keifer Sutherland is put in all kinds of crazy situations where his life and the life of the country fall on him kicking some tale and endure torture to save us all. It got to the point where I couldn't watch it. The fighting and torture really got to me. I know it's TV and well acted but that stuff is HAPPENING for real all over the world. For real to the good guys. (this comes up later and I want to make it clear I say happening to the GOOD guys.) So I decided I wouldn't watch it. At the time we also enjoyed watching Rescue Me. (Denis Leary's fireman docucomedydrama) There is a ton of swearing and sex scenes in it. Like of the hour show 35 minutes of it are filled with fenheimers. So there again fill the mind...
I couldn't be around people who took the Lord's name in vain. If they said it once okay, any more then that I'd walk away without saying a word. The OMG's. I use Gosh or geez, but we all know what we are really meaning.
So anyway, Crab salad.
I went a little extreme. I do that. Black and White my friends. Black and White.
I came back a little, because frankly I enjoyed the firemen show. I like firemen. If I did what they did and saw what they saw; day in and day out, I'd probably say the f-word too.
And funny is funny, even if it's lude at times. Sometimes lude is funny, ask my husband. If I can make him laugh at me then I know it's because he's laughing at what I did, not my body and it's shape and fat and ya'll know what I mean. If he were to laugh at me, I would be DEVASTATED.
So sometimes I make it funny when I'm feeling my weakest.
Here we go: Crab Salad.
Sometimes my mind just goes all negative and question-y and my mouth follows right along.
And sometimes I can NOT change the thoughts in my head, the more I try the worse they get. (you'll see what I'm talking about hang with me.)
I get these crabby days, where the mind is FOCUSED on the negative. I mean it's a sunny day, birds chirping children playing nicely on the carpet and my head is screaming "Oh for the love, can those birds just SHUT-up already. Pick up these damn toys and play in your room. It's hot again and now I'm sweaty."
See negative. Just outlandish and crabby.
I'm sure I don't need to explain what time it is. And by time; I'm not talking clock here girls.
Now I'm about to be very honest here about my thoughts. I feel safe on that. I'm not looking for advice here, just a listen and maybe an "I go there too".
I was reading this blog yesterday. Go ahead and read it if you'd like and read my comment too.
Short version:
She talks about how God gave us choice. He planted the tree in the middle of the garden and we chose to eat it. Basically God wants us to choose him, and without freedom of choice we'd be robotic.
My reply was I didn't choose. I wasn't at the tree.
So having slept on that. I woke up crabby. I mean crabbbbb-beee.
Were we given a choice?
Or where we told "Don't eat from that tree."
Was it explained to us: Hey if you eat from this tree you are choosing sin and murder. Really really bad things forever and ever until I decide that HEY I got nobody in heaven here with me because they all sin, I think I made a mistake and now I have to come up with something to change all that...I could impregnate a woman who's never been with a guy and Jesus will be born and I will make sure he never sins and then ask him to die for all of mankind.
So God has plans, but sometimes they don't work right?
Cause he thought that Adam and Eve would love him so much that all he had to do was tell them not to do something and they'd listen. And where the heck does a talking snake come in?
Snakes don't talk.
Flaw. God only banned Satan from Heaven, he should have Ka-powed his sneaky butt into oblivion. He "saw" what was coming yes? He knew the world would fall and eat the apple...
I don't get it. Kill the SNAKE!
YES I'm human, my mind can't comprehend the Almighty. (That's it not sarcastic BTW)
It's how my head thinks OK.
Basically I do believe the OPPOSITE of what I've just ranted on. But when Crab salad is out to play it's a whole other mind set.
There is no room for gray. I've told you black and white.
Gray to me is the color men and women made up so they could sin.
"Well, I told my friend I couldn't meet her because I had to work but really I got a better offer."
"The sign by this said it was 50% off" while it's ringing at only 30%.
We've ALL been there. The little white lies.
NOT answering the phone because caller ID says it's you mother or MIL. OR a 1-800# and you haven't paid your credit card bill and you don't get paid for another week.
ALL Done it.
Lived in the gray. I hate the gray, it's made up. We want to pretend we are good and obedient but really REALLY we are just as sneaky as that snake to protect what is precious to us. Our face. Our PRIDE.
Go on now get those hands up, like the lady Gaga sang Can't read my can't read my Poker face.
We alls got em.
Crab salad wants to know: (and really only ONE can truly answer this)
How in the heck did Kris Allen win American Idol?
NO I'm kidding I had to throw that in. It was funny, ya'll where expecting something else.
I'm glad he won though, really. But I was stunned.
Okay, for real now.
Crab Salad wants to know: Good stuff happens to greedy, lying toads. (AIG.)
Bad stuff happens to Stellan MckMuffin, (a baby) and loads of others who are good people, following God. He told Adam and Eve 'You must not eat the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden or you will die'
Ummm, I took that straight out of the bible. Didn't realize he told us we'd die.

He DID tell us why, kinda makes this whole post stupid.
Now if we were sitting in person, I might be embarrassed by this whole thing. And somebody wiser would probably have pointed this out to me sooner.
But I'm not, this is me, well no, this is my brain on satan. See how he works me. Gets me all ticked off and questioning.
That's how we ate the stupid apple.
So why didn't God, you know, ka-pow him into oblivion, he KNEW the cost?
I still don't think we'd be robots. We wouldn't know any better. We'd be naked and feel no shame.
SW-eet! I wouldn't have to worry about fitting into a stupid swimsuit or "does this make my look fat?"
The answer would be HECK NO girl you look GOOD!
No rape, no murder, no war, no cancer...
Cancer. Here's one.
In our local news there's this family who's 12 or 13 year old boy has Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He had one round of chemo and then refused to other 5. The family claims it's against their religion. The Doctors went to court to make the kid have treatment. The family fought it. The judge ordered the kid into foster care and must have the treatments. There is a 90% chance of surviving the cancer with treatment. 95% chance of death without it. So now the Mother and son have run away to Mexico (it looks like). To seek alternative treatment.
Here is my question:
Does the courts have the right to FORCE you into medical procedures? Or force a family? Or Parents of a child?
Not to long back a family was found guilty of manslaughter for not treating their child for diabetes.
For the record:
I would do whatever I could to save my child's life. It would hurt me deeply to watch them go through things that I wouldn't have chosen for them. Needles, and pain and all that.
BUT I have a strong gut reaction to being told "YOU WILL DO IT THIS WAY." by the government or courts. Where does our freedom come in? Who has the right to tell me how to parent my children?
Why are some people allowed to be parents at all?
Freedom is huge to me. I am going to sound so backwards now. Freedom for some but not all. I'm telling you my mind is a freaky place.
I am against abortion. I hate the thought that people would choose to kill that LIFE when there are so many loving couples out there wanting a child.
I also believe that this country was bought with blood for freedoms.
If abortion were illegal, it would still happen. Then the mother's would be at risk too.
I think that clinics that do abortions should wallpaper there walls with the photos of couples who have already and want to adopt children. On the TV; play the vidoes of couples wanting to adopt.
Have the mothers go through counseling about what EXACTLY happens to that fetus and give them a dvd of the adoption process.
I don't CARE if it's against their rights or pushy or what ever, They gave those rights when they opened their legs. (sorry blunt.) And chose death as a solution.
I am FOR capital punishment.
I think in this day and age it goes on to long.
To quote Tator Salad: "While most states are trying to outlaw the death penalty, mine put in an expressway."
Ha ha ha. Love that line.
For me I say, If you rape or hurt or kill someone, you loose a limb. The limb you write with. Gonna be hard to re offend. Do it again, you loose the other one. Now, we'll all know who you are and what you did cause your armlessness. How's that for racial profiling?
If you are committed of a heinous crime with technology the way it is got yourself a one way ticket to the noose. Yeah, I said noose. Hang em. Forget the drugs that give them a feeling of passing softly into the night. They should have to SEE the noose and feel the fear that they caused that other person. I'm ruthless I know.
I hate reading about how a man gouged out his 3 year olds eyes or a man put his fist somewhere it wasn't meant to go or a man who takes a girl from her work and does terrible things to her, someone had a bad day and decides to drink and then, go to the store or wherever and DISTROYS another family for their stupidity. (My Hubby got busted for a DUI about 12 years ago. He was stupid and LUCKY. You get one chance here, but all bets are off if you hurt someone else)
OH, and if you were wondering where I stand on the whole torturing for information?
I'm for it. Water board away fellas. If that torture leads to information that finds the bad guys or keeps a bomb from going off in my state or keeps a plane full of passengers safe. Water board away. Because of the "rights" given to people who aren't even AMERICANS, 9/11 happened. Member that guy, Mousoui? Yeah they caught him here in MN and refused to check the guy's computer, they didn't have proper authority. WHAT?!?!? Come ON! Can you tell I'd be a TERRIBLE lawyer?
Ok, I'm on a rampage and I'm stopping the ugly train right here.
So now you too can call me:
Crab salad.

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