Dentist.

Boy, do I feel like I've been put through the ringer?! (wringer?!)
Between a really hard conversation with an unbeliever, to going back to "normal", to continuing with our hectic schedule and finally the impending dental visit my nerves are fried. Like extra crispy; Colonel's secret blend sided with some mashed potatoes and gravy.
F-ried.
I chose to take the first available appointment.
Which happened to be at 4:30pm.
Dumb.
Didn't I know I'd have to suffer all day waiting for doom?
I chose to do it alone.
Stupid and prideful.
My dear sweet Hubby held me in a long embrace right before I was about to leave, and I just wanted NOT to go there. I had nothing left but my sheer stubborn will to get me through it and now he was breaking it down with "I know you can do it. You'll be fine. I love you and I'm so proud of you."
Ok, this is NOT the time to tell me that, I need my battle face on. I need that rock hard exterior, because one crack will send me into a pile of rubble.
I'm pretty sure all he got back was a stiff body pressed into him and a curt head nob.
I may have said "yup."
I practised deep breathing on my drive and tried to keep my pleading and whining to a minimum. I don't think God likes whiners. I don't like whiners. If my kids are whining at me I tune them out or say "I can't hear that frequency of whining."
I'm pretty sure I was on a frequency all my own.
I got there and the dentist was waiting. How nice, I am pretty sure she locked the door behind me.
No escape.
There was a moment when I sat down when my body tensed and I could feel the overwhelming urge to bolt. I mean I was literally fighting in my head saying
" I can't. I can't. I have to get out get out get out."
and
"Sit DOWN you big baby. What kind of grown women are you? You will not make a scene. You will NOT make a scene. If you make a scene there is NO going back. You will be known as the crazy scene maker!"
I let my mind imagine straps holding me down. Not really holding me from getting up, but holding me firmly, in a comforting kind of way.
I asked the assistant to please talk to me. She laughed and said usually people who are nervous want her to be quiet. I was beyond nervous, I needed a reason to stay put.
She talked about her horse, and how she wanted chickens. I told her; I want chickens.
(I won't have chickens because that would require my husbands permission, and he'll never give it to me for chickens.)
She told me how she got two chickens and they can't tell the sex of the chicks so you get what you get.
She got two roosters. She told me about how the roosters learned to crow, how they are now going to live somewhere else, to which the dentist piped in "Yeah, on some one's dinner table." Do you know how hard it is to laugh when you have things in your mouth?
It was a grueling 90 minutes. I chose to have my fillings done in one appointment that should have taken two. I would never have gone back for the second. I know that it would have taken me another 3 years to make that appointment "work for me."
Once I was past the shots, I was okay, I asked for the gas to be turned off. Then I mentioned my lip felt funny. Without warning, I was given another shot.
I said "Dib you juss shoop me?"
"It's the anti- Novocain, it works the opposite. So it couldn't have hurt." Then she grinned.
"No thap still hurp!"
And back to drilling, and filling she went.
Since I had both sides lower and one side upper worked on I was told no eating or talking, chances were good I'd bite my own tongue off. That was the reason she gave me the anti-Novocain, it's suppose to wear off the effects sooner. I think it was sucking on the McDonald french fries.
Really, I ripped a bite size bite off and sucked it down to paste to swallow. There are tasty that way too. Just saying...
I had made it. My whole face hurt for most of the night but today I'm feeling pretty good, and I'm liking my new tooth colored fillings. She took out all my metal ones. I'm not going to say I love my dentist, because that would just be plain crazy, but at least a level of trust has been built and that I can work with. And I DIDN'T CAUSE A SCENE!!!!!
I am more proud of myself for that then any other part of this story!