Gray

There's a theme going today...

 Lately I've been doing a lot of sitting around...

 Feeling like I got rocks in my head, like I have this weight...

wanting to spend all my time in bed...

Basically feeling alot like this little guy.

He looks like he's seen better days. Maybe he could use some TLC. I don't think he was forgotten on purpose, maybe he just got lost and decided to wait right where he got lost.

I've been feeling a bit gray, a bit lost and a bit tattered.

Life has a away of coming up and biting ya just where it hurts. For me it hits in the form of depression. I haven't talked alot about my struggle with it. It is a inner battle.

I had my break down in 2000, I went straight into treatment, where immediately upon entering I was given several drugs. I couldn't tell you what they were, all I could tell you was they made me sick. I was told if I went off the meds I'd have to leave to program. I took their meds for 3 days, and I hated being sick. I barfed, I was dizzy and tired all day, I couldn't put thoughts together let along talk about why I felt I needed to be there. I stopped taking the meds. My head cleared enough for me to realize I did not want to spend the rest of my life on meds.

This happened before I excepted Christ. Before I acknowledged that I was redeemed through his blood. Before I knew what forgiven meant. I finished the program, minus the meds. I found a counselor to continue therapy. Sue was a Christian, and she often talked about God in our sessions. I wanted to talk about all the crap I've lived through, dealt with, was still dealing with. At one point she said to me "I think we've talked about all there is to talk about, now it's time to do something."

I knew what she was implying, I had heard it before from counselors.

Walk away from the ones causing you hurt.

It was around this time that Rob and I started going to a different church. It was at this church I found Jesus waiting for me.

As I clung to my new found faith and embraced learning more about it, my depression lifted. Life was still hard but it wasn't unbearable.

I still have bouts of depression, usually in times of high stress.

This last month has been difficult for us, things at my husbands job changed, in a very big way.

He's looking for another job, which is not going so well.

We are once again fighting with the mortgage company, struggling to pay our bills.

Not the huge credit debt, or new car payments, no, just the electric, gas, water, taxes, grocery, the garage door opener broke we need a new one, the wash machine isn't working like it's suppose to and needs replacing...

Those are the bills. Those and the mortgage. Between our health insurance and our mortgage we don't have much left over.

I had myself a good cry one night, while my husband was out doing his paper route. Clarity is a wonderful thing, having peace in your heart is nearly as good as having money in the bank: as a matter of fact it IS money in the bank; the bank of your soul.

Pruning and growing is painful, but it needs to be done, or it will no longer bear fruit.

I like fruit. I want to be fruitful.

So yeh, I am in a gray patch right now, but there is always a rainbow. HE promises.

I had lunch with a dear friend yesterday, and as we were talking she told me to seek out verses that tell me who I am in Christ. She recognized that I was feeling unworthy and she reminded me who I was in her eyes. See, dear friends can do that, they can tell you things and you believe them, because these are the girls you trust, these are the people that WILL tell you, yes Virginia, that dress does make you look fat and then she'll hand you a fresh made cookie. I love my girlfriends.

 I DO have doubts about who I am in Christ, will HE listen to ME when I call out to him? Will my prayers be answered? Does he CARE about my situation among all of the other's who need him more?

It is easy to look to your friends, you can hear their voice, see them, touch them...

Faith is something we can not see; can not touch and is requires a lot from those that like control.

My faith is being tested, I know that. I know He is requiring me to lean into Him. I just wish it wasn't so hard to do. It all comes back to Thomas. I'm a Thomas; Thomasara. I'm not exactly proud to admit that.  My thick head and at times stubborn heart  has to see it, touch it in order to fully believe it.

I see things all over Blogland, how He is working, heck I have even seen it in my own life; but to feel completely worthy, good enough, deserving.

Where does THAT come from? I mean really? What wire in my head has shorted out? What valve in my heart is blocked?

I guess the only answer I can come up with is: The world.

Worldly life has taken precedence over devotion time. The only way I'll know what God is saying to me is if I spend time with him. So I better get off the blog and dig into the bible so I can cast off the grays and start seeing the rainbows.