Seque way.

There is a blessing in all this. I know there is, I just can't see it ...yet.
We stopped by my husband's parents yesterday. They fed us, not just with food, but with unspoken love. The family's pastor also joined us for dinner along with Rob's brother, sister in-law and nephew; who frankly; I can't get enough of. (it's got to be the cheeks!)
Pastor Lisa is a very compassionate woman, she asks little questions and has a caring spirit.
Rob said "Last night was the first night I've slept well in years. A weight has been lifted off me."
This man's faith and strength astound me. I could never have imagined how I would witness such a thing.
I come from a line of complainers, wallowers,selfish greedy nothing pleases-ers.
Faith is not in that vocabulary.
Just two months after meeting my husband I suffered a break down. I went in-patient for depression. He was my worldly rock. He held tight to me as I felt the alone-ness grip at my soul. He was my link to Jesus. He softly whispered prayers and led me straight into the arms of Jesus, where I was reborn.
Throughout our marriage, Rob has always had this great faith.
"It'll all work out."
And it has.
Last night I told my husband. "I'll be the mouth. I got lots of things to say."
He laughed with me and then gently told me that maybe God wanted "the mouth" to be quiet.
If you knew me, I mean spent time around me, this mouth has big control issues. Like when a thought pops in my head and before I can even think about it the mouth has already spit it out. It would take an army of dead-bolts to lock this mouth down...
But in a sweet conviction my husband reminded me, that blessings only come from obedience and that includes complete obedience from "the mouth".
Last night as the thoughts still rattled my brain, thoughts I refused to let come out of my mouth, I felt my heart changing. Those feelings melted away and today as I think about those words that burned to be spoken, they have no weight, no meaning because the anger is gone. (yep, I still have to work on my thoughts, but one step at a time. One baby step...)

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. ~ Master Yoda


I thought I'd segue way into some pictures:
Hollywood studios had Star Wars weekend while we were if Florida. I think it was the highlight of our trip. Even if it was the hottest day, nearly beating a record! Right before we left we watched all 6 movies. Phew! But it paid off. The kids knew who everyone/thing was! And it made the *new* ride that much more exciting! (New technology upgraded the ride.)
Meeting Darth Vader was thrilling. Butter would say her favorite "character" to meet including Mickey and the princesses! Although she still clings to the "His name is Anakin!". The hope is strong in her!

 The kids were lucky enough to make the cut for Jedi training, where they learn to use the Force and practice using a lightsaber.

 Then they are surprised by the Dark Lord Vader, and he tries to sway the young padiwans to the dark side. (It was rather comical watching a little girl in pig-tails approach him and he responding to her "I don't know what to be more afraid of your lightsaber skills or those little whips on your head.")

 That is Roo(gray shoes, hood up) and Butter(ponytail) standing right next to the instructor

Since it was Star Wars weekend, it was not just Darth Vadar the padiwans would fight, our kiddos group had Darth Maul. He was so scary my poor boy was crying when he realized his group would have to "fight" Darth Maul instead of Vadar. I have to admit the guy was creepy.

I did not get any still pictures of Butter fighting him, I used video mode instead. She was hesitant, but listened to her instructor and did her best. They tried to coax Roo into trying; telling him Maul wouldn't hurt him, but he could not get past the make-up and horns. Sweet boy.

Then with a final standing the padiwans defeat the dark side!

 Butter is one the left with her blue lightsabar up, and Roo is next to the instructor in the green shirt.

 It was so much fun seeing all the characters from the movies walking around, it was even nicer to go into the air conditioning to see others.

 R2D2 and C3PO were inside, but the line ended outside and in full sun. Nope, I snuck up to the front and snapped some pictures! We enjoyed the air conditioning a bit longer while Roo picked his "Treat".

Both kids got a gift card to spend in Disney. Butter of course spent hers the first day, buying a baby Minnie stuffed toy. I kept telling Roo, WAIT. Just wait until Sunday, when we go to Star Wars day, I promise you will find something there. It was very hard for him to wait. But it paid off big for him. He found a Jedi Mickey stuffed toy AND had money left for a R2D2 action figure! Butter was a bit upset, I gently reminded her that I had said the same thing to her: Wait, just wait, look around, you might see something better. We can always find (the baby Minnie). She did not want to wait. So she had to deal with disappointment. In the end she decided she liked her Minnie best, and once the actual buying was done there was no disappointment for her. IT was even better after they finished Jedi training and each got another action figure! Butter got Padme' Amidala and Roo got Obi Won.

 We did wait to meet Storm trooper Donald and see Jedi Mickey and R2MK.

 As we were walking to our next thing, we saw an Ewok. We chose not to stand in line, and I quickly snapped a picture. Man, I can't believe what it was like in that suit! I was in a tank top and sweating!

We saw Queen Amidala too while waiting in line for Jedi Training and as soon as we finished that we headed back to the resort and camped out at the pool for 3hours!
Aside from it being Star Wars weekend, I would have to say that Hollywood Studios was my not all it was cracked up to be. A LOT of time was spent waiting in lines to meet characters. Buzz Lightyear was NOT where he was suppose to be, so we ended up in that line twice! and we completely missed all shows, because it was either at the other end of the park we had just finished up at or we were in line for something and it was almost our turn and we didn't have time to get in line for the show. We only stayed at the park until 5pm which most shows stopped for the day after 5pm and it was hot!
We reached our goal, which was get the kids into Jedi training, go on the Star wars ride and meet Buzz and Woody. We did all that and mat a few awesome others. Maybe next time we'll see a show.

Gray

There's a theme going today...

 Lately I've been doing a lot of sitting around...

 Feeling like I got rocks in my head, like I have this weight...

wanting to spend all my time in bed...

Basically feeling alot like this little guy.

He looks like he's seen better days. Maybe he could use some TLC. I don't think he was forgotten on purpose, maybe he just got lost and decided to wait right where he got lost.

I've been feeling a bit gray, a bit lost and a bit tattered.

Life has a away of coming up and biting ya just where it hurts. For me it hits in the form of depression. I haven't talked alot about my struggle with it. It is a inner battle.

I had my break down in 2000, I went straight into treatment, where immediately upon entering I was given several drugs. I couldn't tell you what they were, all I could tell you was they made me sick. I was told if I went off the meds I'd have to leave to program. I took their meds for 3 days, and I hated being sick. I barfed, I was dizzy and tired all day, I couldn't put thoughts together let along talk about why I felt I needed to be there. I stopped taking the meds. My head cleared enough for me to realize I did not want to spend the rest of my life on meds.

This happened before I excepted Christ. Before I acknowledged that I was redeemed through his blood. Before I knew what forgiven meant. I finished the program, minus the meds. I found a counselor to continue therapy. Sue was a Christian, and she often talked about God in our sessions. I wanted to talk about all the crap I've lived through, dealt with, was still dealing with. At one point she said to me "I think we've talked about all there is to talk about, now it's time to do something."

I knew what she was implying, I had heard it before from counselors.

Walk away from the ones causing you hurt.

It was around this time that Rob and I started going to a different church. It was at this church I found Jesus waiting for me.

As I clung to my new found faith and embraced learning more about it, my depression lifted. Life was still hard but it wasn't unbearable.

I still have bouts of depression, usually in times of high stress.

This last month has been difficult for us, things at my husbands job changed, in a very big way.

He's looking for another job, which is not going so well.

We are once again fighting with the mortgage company, struggling to pay our bills.

Not the huge credit debt, or new car payments, no, just the electric, gas, water, taxes, grocery, the garage door opener broke we need a new one, the wash machine isn't working like it's suppose to and needs replacing...

Those are the bills. Those and the mortgage. Between our health insurance and our mortgage we don't have much left over.

I had myself a good cry one night, while my husband was out doing his paper route. Clarity is a wonderful thing, having peace in your heart is nearly as good as having money in the bank: as a matter of fact it IS money in the bank; the bank of your soul.

Pruning and growing is painful, but it needs to be done, or it will no longer bear fruit.

I like fruit. I want to be fruitful.

So yeh, I am in a gray patch right now, but there is always a rainbow. HE promises.

I had lunch with a dear friend yesterday, and as we were talking she told me to seek out verses that tell me who I am in Christ. She recognized that I was feeling unworthy and she reminded me who I was in her eyes. See, dear friends can do that, they can tell you things and you believe them, because these are the girls you trust, these are the people that WILL tell you, yes Virginia, that dress does make you look fat and then she'll hand you a fresh made cookie. I love my girlfriends.

 I DO have doubts about who I am in Christ, will HE listen to ME when I call out to him? Will my prayers be answered? Does he CARE about my situation among all of the other's who need him more?

It is easy to look to your friends, you can hear their voice, see them, touch them...

Faith is something we can not see; can not touch and is requires a lot from those that like control.

My faith is being tested, I know that. I know He is requiring me to lean into Him. I just wish it wasn't so hard to do. It all comes back to Thomas. I'm a Thomas; Thomasara. I'm not exactly proud to admit that.  My thick head and at times stubborn heart  has to see it, touch it in order to fully believe it.

I see things all over Blogland, how He is working, heck I have even seen it in my own life; but to feel completely worthy, good enough, deserving.

Where does THAT come from? I mean really? What wire in my head has shorted out? What valve in my heart is blocked?

I guess the only answer I can come up with is: The world.

Worldly life has taken precedence over devotion time. The only way I'll know what God is saying to me is if I spend time with him. So I better get off the blog and dig into the bible so I can cast off the grays and start seeing the rainbows.