Let me be the first to admit, this is hard.
Going through the foreclosure process is not for the faint of heart.
What I am dealing with feelings wise and what my husband is battling are completely different and yet it is coming from the same evil place.
Today as I was setting up a play date for Butter for spring break the mother asked me:
"Are you guys moving? Ashlyn said Butter told her you are moving."
I took a deep breath and said:
"Yes, we are moving. Sometime in June or July. We are loosing our house."
The way I see it is, transparent. I'm not going to sugar coat or fluff it for someone else to hear it.
Nobody's doing that for me, I get to live all the gory details, so if you ask you get to hear them too.
(or if you read this blog.)
She didn't know how to respond, which is most people's reaction. So I fill the gap of silence.
"It's okay. I know God has something good planned for us."
I say it even if I'm not feeling it.
Because I've learned that it's not a feeling to Trust God. It's a choice.
To hell with my feelings, I CHOOSE to trust God.
If I live in that pit of feelings I've got nothing.
I might not SEE what God is doing, but at least there's hope.
In the pit, there is only despair. It's prime target city for the enemy.
My feelings SUCK right now. I can't sleep at night, I cry on the spot if I think too long about feeling...
Tears are welling up this instant as feelings bubble to the service.
So I cry out "Lord I hurt. This doesn't make sense. I choose to trust you. Can I NOT cry right now, can I at least make it through the day without shedding a tear? Can we save this for night when only you can see it."
As I stood there in silence-not even speaking of good things-the turmoil within me grew to the bursting point...and so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.~Psalm 39:2,7
The last couple days I've stepped back from planning our trip. I can honestly, without a doubt say; that this trip is a GOD SEND. The crushing weight of feeling like a LOSER is awful.
I have people advising me to start packing...start purging...tick tick tick down the list.
The moment I think about it I am blindsided by worry, pain, bitterness, shake my fist anger.
It is difficult to hold yourself together in the sight of your child who has questions: "Mommy will I still go to this school?" "Mommy where are we moving?" "Mommy why do we have to move?"
"Do I get to bring my toys? Our house isn't lost, it's right here."
They don't understand, Butter told me the other day: "Mom, why don't you just give them your card, like you do at Target." (I have a debit card that takes money out of our checking and saves us 5% at Target. It's not a credit card and trying to explain that we have to have money in the bank BEFORE we can use the card.)
To her the card is magic, and pays for things like chapstick, socks and toilet paper, milk,t-shirts and red licorice and sometimes Barbies and Squinkies.
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all that he has done.~ Philippians 4:6
Oofdah this is all I can do today.