Debut

Yesterday was the debut of a Interpret Sass's new blog design. It isn't perfect and I'm not sure how long pink will last...I'm more blues-y. But for some reason this flower inspired me...

Ranunculus.

I love the how the color fades light and dark, it's kinda moody.

Like me, a bit.

I like how the stems bend and twist, yoga like. And I like yoga, I also like when God bends my heart in a direction I wasn't sure I'd go...

Pink is pretty.

I've never thought myself pretty...

I little make-up, a fancy outfit, a cute pair of shoes they help me feel pretty...

But I have always struggled with the For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. ~ Psalm 139.13-14

Yeah, that's not really what I see when I look in the mirror. I see a little too much "packaging" around the middle section. Some grey gray grrr...ay hairs making there early and unwanted appearance.

I see fine lines of living, and these weird skin taggy things...what is that?!

I see a wife, a mother, a lover of books and blogging...

And since blog is a "virtual" world, I thought I should have a "virtual" me.

istock is full of talented artist. I happen to find one that was the perfect fit.

I mean look at her? How cute is she?

It has been a lot of work trying to figure out HTML

I decided to stick with Blogger at least for now. I can work in Blogger, Wordpress is a struggle to me.

So where am I going with all this?

I really don't know for sure, but I do know that it's been on my heart to talk about my depression.

Nobody really talks about it.

I understand why...

God has been turning my heart in so many ways, in regards to letting my guard down.

Yesterday I talked about friendship. I have been hurt deeply in this area, walls went up, that are still up today.

I know that is not how God wants me to live, I also know it is painful and scary chipping away the bricks and mortar.

Now for the Joy Dare:

4) one gift old, new & blue

Gift: Old

The computer we got from Rob's old job, they didn't want it back.

It's where I did everything online...

Until...

Gift:

New

iPad2 came into my life. I did not know how much I would love this thing.

It is where I do everything online now. (although, blog posting is easier from the computer, the app just isn't the same.)

Gift:

Blue

I got a skin for iPad...

Now I never have to ask, "Have you seen my iPad?" when I forget where I set it. She's all decked out and purdy; can't miss it now.

oofdah!

Let me be the first to admit, this is hard.
Going through the foreclosure process is not for the faint of heart.
What I am dealing with feelings wise and what my husband is battling are completely different and yet it is coming from the same evil place.
Today as I was setting up a play date for Butter for spring break the mother asked me:
"Are you guys moving? Ashlyn said Butter told her you are moving."
I took a deep breath and said:
"Yes, we are moving. Sometime in June or July. We are loosing our house."
The way I see it is, transparent. I'm not going to sugar coat or fluff it for someone else to hear it.
Nobody's doing that for me, I get to live all the gory details, so if you ask you get to hear them too.
(or if you read this blog.)
She didn't know how to respond, which is most people's reaction. So I fill the gap of silence.
"It's okay. I know God has something good planned for us."
I say it even if I'm not feeling it.
Because I've learned that it's not a feeling to Trust God. It's a choice.
To hell with my feelings, I CHOOSE to trust God.
If I live in that pit of feelings I've got nothing.
I might not SEE what God is doing, but at least there's hope.
In the pit, there is only despair. It's prime target city for the enemy.
My feelings SUCK right now. I can't sleep at night, I cry on the spot if I think too long about feeling...
Tears are welling up this instant as feelings bubble to the service.
So I cry out "Lord I hurt. This doesn't make sense. I choose to trust you. Can I NOT cry right now, can I at least make it through the day without shedding a tear? Can we save this for night when only you can see it."

As I stood there in silence-not even speaking of good things-the turmoil within me grew to the bursting point...and so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.~Psalm 39:2,7


The last couple days I've stepped back from planning our trip. I can honestly, without a doubt say; that this trip is a GOD SEND. The crushing weight of feeling like a LOSER is awful.
I have people advising me to start packing...start purging...tick tick tick down the list.
The moment I think about it I am blindsided by worry, pain, bitterness, shake my fist anger.
It is difficult to hold yourself together in the sight of your child who has questions: "Mommy will I still go to this school?" "Mommy where are we moving?" "Mommy why do we have to move?"
"Do I get to bring my toys? Our house isn't lost, it's right here."
They don't understand, Butter told me the other day: "Mom, why don't you just give them your card, like you do at Target." (I have a debit card that takes money out of our checking and saves us 5% at Target. It's not a credit card and trying to explain that we have to have money in the bank BEFORE we can use the card.)
To her the card is magic, and pays for things like chapstick, socks and toilet paper, milk,t-shirts and red licorice and sometimes Barbies and Squinkies.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all that he has done.~ Philippians 4:6



Oofdah this is all I can do today.

Holding my thoughts captive.

            Yep.

  That is what I am working on.

         That is what I've been working on.

Holding my thoughts captive, and reminding myself how God sees me.

                            God                       

 Not my neighbor

  Not how I think society sees me.

Not my in-laws, out-laws, fancy paws or snore saws.

*Dr. Seuss would be proud.

God.

Rock Tober

Is it me or has September gone awfully fast? I feel like we were just getting home from our family vacation and now the kids are bugging me about the The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

The school is calling to set up conferences already! Have they been in school that long?

I find myself wanting time to slow down.

Butter has lost the last of her baby teeth had to have the last of her baby teeth pulled this week.

When Butter was 2 1/2 she was jumping on the bed, holding something in her mouth, she fell off the bed knocked one of her teeth out, root and all and knocked the front tooth  completely back up into the gum, where we searched for an hour to find it and were told by the dentist after an x-ray that it was up in the gum.

Over time it did come back down, but never completely, so when it was time to get loose it hung on for dear life...like an entire year. I have pulled a few of her teeth simply because they were so loose and she wouldn't do it, but this one, oh my cookies it was stubborn and with the new one coming in behind it I decided I'd let the professional deal with it and her.

She was scared going in, but if you'd have asked her she would have told you no. She's like her Momma, we carry it inside. I told her I'd be right here and watched her walk away. Yes I could hear what was going on and my heart ached for my girl. She did such a good job. She handled it like a champ. As usual she was a bit upset about the blood, but relieved it was over. 

Here she is before: notice the tooth on the right is smaller and looks to be hanging much lower then the other? That is because it is actually pushed out, because the big tooth is coming in right behind/under it. The gap you see next to it was where she lost the tooth completely and there still is no sign of one coming in there.

VOILA!

Here she is two days after having it pulled, the bruising and redness are gone. She had school pictures the day after it happened so it will be interesting to see how they turn out. She is growing up right before my eyes! Gosh, I love those chubby cheeks! She has the sweetest eyes, but watch out; she can sass.

Even though October has snuck up on me, I'm feeling good. I'm ready to rock this month.

Not air guitar and Poisin/Aerosmith/Motey Crue; but collect all the rocks I've been holding on to:

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."

~ Isaiah 44:8

Pride, bitterness, unforgiveness

"Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?

~Jeremiah 23:29

Prideful spirit, Unwillingness to give over control, being disobedient.

and, "A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall." They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

~I Peter 2:8

Not pursuing my spiritual gifts and how God wants to use me.

"There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."

 ~I Samuel 2:2

There is hope, there is forgiveness, there is a strength to draw upon, but I haven't done it long enough. I love the quick fix. The instant gratification. Problem comes up, pray about it, it's fixed the next day.
Ta da!
I'm failing to except His perfect timing, and failing in that is causing me a ton of stress and worry that builds into frustration and then bitterness. Yep, I can get pretty bitter with God. In a lot of ways I am a rebellious teenager thinking she can do everything better...even though I have not made any Heavens, or Earthes or living creatures...instead, I've made mud. And it hasn't been very good mud. It never lasts, all it takes is one rain storm and whoosh, gone. 
So I'm going to ROCK this 'Tober...
I am going to lay all of my rocks down and let the Master Builder do His work. I am going to stop playing in the mud, I don't want to be dirty anymore. He's going to wash me up and build something strong in me so I won't melt into a pile of goop when the next storm comes.