Summer Loving

I know it has been awhile since I've put my thoughts on display, Facebook and Twitter do not count as they are but moments...
True thoughts require sorting, lingering to remember, holding captive until certain that they can be put into a collective sequence.
Summer can be many unpleasant things for me; first, I suffer from allergies that make me a sneezing, stuffed up mess. Second, heat is not my friend. I hate that the act of walking outside to enjoy the sunshine can make my skin break out into a dripping sweat. Third, when too much time is spent doing the same thing bickering begins or rooms become death traps with toys on every possible open space on the floor.
then there are the moments that I want to wrap up in a box and hold onto them forever.
The Boy, is 7 and he is whip smart and curious about just about everything. Today as I came down the stairs he was rattling of things that he had learned from watching, of all things The Today Show.
"Mom, did you know that you can put vegetables in a glass with dip and serve them to guests this way?"
It took me a minute to understand what he was saying, because normally he is telling me the next great adventure of his lego guys...
I realized this kid was giving me hosting ideas...because he thought it was neat an wanted to sure the information with me. (Yes, I do plan to use this on him in the near future...veggies in a glass with dip)
He once asked me if I still make milk for our family...Which led to a conversation about body changes and from there, when did Italians make the first pizza.
He asks whatever question pops into his head and I better have the answer or get the answer because if he goes looking, he is likely to come back with 20 more questions and none of which you might think a 7 year old should know the answer to.
He is alert to what is going on in the news and actively seeks out what stories they are talking about.
With what has happened in Colorado, there have been many questions. He sees the pictures of the "bad guy" and doesn't understand why he doesn't look like a "bad guy".
He declared today "Pajama day" since it is suppose to rain all day. He is right now happily playing upstairs with his sister.
The Girl is sassy, introspective and needs approval.
I have been learning the differences in my two children, how they see things, what they need to hear from me as their mother, the boundaries they crave and the way in which they process things. The Girl is quiet as a mouse, asking only things that she didn't hear answered in the explanation or things she herself can't figure out the answer for. The Boy asks rapid fire questions, sometimes not even waiting for an answer before switching gears and asking about another topic. They both crave knowledge but go about getting it differently.
The Boy has always been vocal about what he wants, he is also tenacious. The Girl will watch, observe, quietly take in her surroundings and wait until later to process through them.
The Boy likes to be alone or have one person to himself. The Girl is happiest amongst a crowd of like minded friends.
I have been a mother for nearly 10 years now, and I am still astounded by these two beings that i have been given charge over. That responsibility weighs on me every.single.day.
What do I show them, what example am I setting, what words am I speaking, what words do they hear me speaking when I think I'm in private?
I know I make mistakes, heck I know I make a lot of mistakes, but I also know I'm not afraid to admit them, I'm not afraid to say to my child "I screwed up, I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
I'm not "adult" enough to ignore my child's plea for forgiveness. I can remember being a child and feeling so shamed for something and when I went to apologize, I was given the cold shoulder. I didn't know what that was as a child, but as a mother I see it as pride. The child hurts the parents feelings or disappoints them to where their pride stands in the way of lovingly embracing forgiveness.
I've heard parents say "I would never want to be a kid nowadays." Think of the negative connotations that has for the young people? This is their time, this is where they live, breath, learn, laugh, cry and yes fail sometimes. They didn't get the choice of what generation they were born into, this is it for them.
I do the best I can with the experiences I had to guide my children through it. I hope that my honesty with will get them through the rough stuff.
I am blessed that I get these summer months to recharge my children before going back to school. We spend a lot of time doing "nothing", sprinkled in are the trips to the pool, or zoo or soccer games or camping trips or having ice cream for dinner because it is too hot to even eat something hot!
I won't sugar coat the fact that my days are rarely fun and spent doing things I love doing. No, my days are spent listening to the Girl tell me about her little pet shops and all 53 of their names or What she is currently playing with her American Girl Dolls or what Ken and Barbie are doing. The Boy, as I said, is either nonstop talking about lego guys or hockey or Skylanders or he is asking 20 questions about something I am having a hard time understanding why a 7 year kid wants to know about. It takes patience to listen, really listen to the under currents of their daily lives. I can hear the fears, the loves, the joys when I listen carefully. Sometimes we parents just want quiet, just want a moments piece to be alone in our thoughts, to have our bodies to ourselves!
I want to remember these summer months, the conversations sparked by questions from a whip smart boy or a sassy girl trying her best to know all the answers and be grown up in a world that tries to define who and what she is.
I want to remember when she caught me dressing and asked when she could get a bra, and when I found the smallest of small ones and brought them home to her, the way her face lit up and how she cherished being "grown up" that lasted only until she put it on and realized, they are not comfortable to wear! How she handed them back to me saying "I don't like these, maybe I don't need them right now."
No, you are still a girl, I will protect you as long as I can from the big bad world, in this case in the form of a bra, until you feel ready to concur that hurdle.
I want to remember how my son curls up on my lap and asks me endless questions and gives his opinions and thoughts, while he begs wordlessly for me to tickle his back.
I want to remember the sweet stink of their summer sweat after they come in for dinner, having road their bikes or played tag or just made up an adventure.
These are the days of summer loving, of loving the everyday things that someday will be just a memory.

Prom {circa 1990~1991}

I like Spring for many reasons:

1. The end of winter, cold weather...snow
2. The cherry blossom trees, crab apple trees, lilac bushes
3. Flowers put of porches and steps
4. Flip flops make their appearance again.
5. Prom season...

 

Prom is a right of passage, it can be one of the best experiences or worst. I was lucky to have dated an upper class man, which meant I went to prom as a sophomore. I was so entirely awkward at this age. I had braces and glasses and I thought I was so together.

Especially since I snagged such a sweetheart of a first love.

I've told this story a few times, we met because our lockers were next to each others, we were both new to the district, so grade meant nothing in terms of where our lockers were, normally they have you in alphabetical order in grade 9, 10,11 &12. Newbies all go into the same section.

Conversation:

"Gosh you're tall! Who are you?" ~me

"I'm John, and you're short!" ~him

Friendship started.

Yes, I did think he was cute, not hot but cute and really really tall, like he could carry me around like a teacup poodle tall!

We became such good friends over that first year we began dating right before the start of school his Junior year, my sophomore.

We got teased, as you can imagine. Didn't bother me...I thought the attention was fun, better then the last school I was at.

John never really asked me to prom, it was just kind of assumed since we were dating and prom was coming up we were going together. I think he called one night saying something like:

"So Prom?  Do I buy the prom tickets or are you going to get them?"

"No, you buy them, I find the dress and match your tie and cumber bun."

And so it went, I went dress shopping, I had no idea what I was looking for...until I saw it.

Black with polka dots. I was in love, my mom was in shock at the price. I was devastated to leave there without that dress! I worked my butt off babysitting to earn the rest of the money for this dress, when I went back to get it it was gone, thankfully they called around and found my size at another store and had it shipped in. I would have not gone, I was so in love with this dress! I had found his tie and cumber bun, white with black polka dots to match...

 

 This is one of my favorite pictures. It says a lot about each of us, and that first blissful year of dating.

He had such beautiful hair. I can't even tell you! Feathered and long, baby-soft curls in the back! Oh, be still my beating heart! He aways looked at me like that, like I was a gem that he admired. Much like the way Hubby looks at me now. 

You can't really tell from these pictures, but even my nylons had little tiny black dots on them!

 Oh, yes, and "the Ride", yeah, I knew I was going in a limo, we barely had enough money for the dance, dress and dinner! We took his parents little red 1985 Pontiac Sunbird. You can see the height difference here, I was barely a whispered breath over 5 feet, he is 6'6".  We went to the Venetian Inn for Italian. It was the fanciest place we'd ever been and the food wasn't that great, of course I don't know why I picked spaghetti!
Our theme song was "Without You" ~ Motley Crue
Yes, cheesy.
We spent most of the dance watching people, John would only dance to slow songs, and finally they played one he agreed to dance to because it only required him to shake his butt...can you guess the song?
(Da Butt) by E.U  ready for these lyrics?
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

 

 

Walked in this place
Surprised to see
A big girl getting busy
Just rocking to the go-go beat

 

 

The way she shook her booty
Surely looked good to me
I said, come here, big girl
Won't you rock my world
Show that dance to me

 

 

(CHORUS)
She was doing the butt
Hey, pretty, pretty
When you get that notion
Put your backfield in motion, honey
Doing the butt
Hey, sexy, sexy
Ain't nothing wrong if you
Wanna do the butt all night long

 

Classy, I know.

We had a good time with each other but learned a valuable lesson, it's more fun to go as a group!
We took that to heart the next year, which was John's senior prom, my junior...which meant my class would be there too. John was coming off a stellar basketball season, so he was a big cheese at school.
We weren't together exclusively anymore, but still hung out quite a bit, which meant he got a lot of offers to prom. He turned them all down and asked me. I wasn't shocked, I knew for him it was a comfort level thing, he didn't want pressure to impress some girl when all he needed was ask me and I'd be easy, just take me. I didn't hold my breath for Tom M or Justin S to ask me, I mean just because I gave them pencils in class most everyday because the never went to their lockers; didn't mean they knew my name or cared that I dreamt of them asking me to prom and would have *died* if they had.

I decided to go with him out of comfort and knowing what to expect. This time we talked some friends into going too. None of us were "couples" but we went coupled together, with no romantic pressure.
I wanted to have a more "sophisticated" look this year, I mean, polka dots are so "first time prom"!
I found this white dress that had pearly sequins on it that brought out just a touch of pink. I didn't really have to convince John to wear a pink tie and cumber bun, he would do whatever I asked.

  

If 1990 prom was on pennies, 1991 prom was on twenties! Since we were going with a group we did the limo thing, meeting at one person's house and all the parents gathering for pictures. Oh, so tacky and yet a total right of passage moment! This is one of my favorites of John and I, again candidly, who we are together. My hand was always on his leg, and to keep his hands off my head, I made him keep them on his hips! He walked around like that, because he was afraid he'd ruin my hair! I'm laughing at him, because he had just said to me: "I'm gonna ruin your hair! I look like a dork, and I just can't keep my hands away from your head."
(You know how basketball players "palm" the ball in one hand? That was John's version of a love tap...he'd palm my head and I would touch his leg...holding hands meant my arm being half way up in the air)
The song for Prom 1991 was: 'When I see you Smile'
John was more in the mood to dance since we had a big group to be apart of.

Here it is the official prom photo.

 

Oh geez, I look so young here. I remember feeling old, like blink and this will be our wedding old!

I was allowed to stay out until 2:30am after prom we all went back to on of the girls house and watched movies. There was no hanky panky what so ever, being friends...the next day we all went to an amusement park where I got sick on several rides. John being the nice guy he was, hung back with me and making sure I was okay.

I will never forget prom(s). I did not attend my senior prom. Several things changed:

1.  Our school paired up with a rival school to share the cost of being at a fancier place. Which sucked. It was over priced and who wants to share a prom with a rival school??  What ever happened to decorating the gym?
 
2. John did not want to go to prom again, ahem, senior prom was so beneath a graduate!
 
3.  I could not imagine going with anyone but John, and turned down 2 very sweet boys who got up the nerve to ask. I knew that by saying yes, I would be saying yes, I like you back, feel free to put the moves on me...which I absolutely was not going to say or do that.
 
4.  None of my single girl friends wanted to go as a group, some were too embarrassed not to have dates, others were too cool to go.

I do not regret missing my senior prom, I don't think it would have had the magic the others had for me. Prom wouldn't have been the same without John.

Do you remember you prom?

Do tell, I'd love to hear about it.

Opinions

Sometimes I am amazed over the need for people to share their opinions.
It is why I blog. It's a place for me to express my opinions.
That and I love to write.
You as the reader get to decide if it's worth your time to stop and read what the writer wrote.
And whether or not you are going to comment.
Last night I was given a good dose of opinions on facebook.
It started our with my vague status post:

I'm going to do it.

which was soon followed by a snarky comment by my brother in law:

"What get a job?"

I responded with:
being a chef, teacher, therapist, chauffeur, maid and nanny just isn't enough right?

He proceeded to tell me that being a mother doesn't pay the bills and when the "money tree dries up" I need to "bring something to the table" because his "Wife has the same job (as a mother) and works full time."
My reply to him was asking why he was dogging on me and if he had a problem with stay at home moms to go ahead and air it out.

A sweet friend of mine commented with encouragement for what ever I was going to do.
"go hardand with God" she said.

My next commenter though; came as a surprise. Firstly she is a friend of my husbands, thus I acquired her as a "friend". Secondly, her content.
She felt the need to express herself that she "is not less of a mother because I work. I help my husband support the family as a whole. Couples need to work together when times are tough. It  is not a one person job in today's economy."

What started out as a kind reply to a snarky comment became a full blow, what felt like to me, attack on my family's personal choices.
As I've said many times on this blog; From the beginning Rob and I always said we would be a one income family once we had children, and I being the skilled one in child care having been a nanny for 15+ years, would be the one to stay home.

I have also said We are so lucky to be able to do that.

I have also said that some women choose to work, because they feel that is where their skills are.
And sadly, for some women it is not a choice, but rather a fact of life.

When Rob and I first made our decision, he was working full time and getting yearly bonus'. As the economic climate changed so did the income. We adjusted. With every change, we adjusted.
Rob and I are great communicators. We respect each other and work well together at compromising.
We love each other deeply and rely on each other.
It became clear to me early on what would need to be done. (Let go of the house) But my husband wasn't ready. God revealed himself and we changed course. Then our world was rocked by the loss of Rob's job. God was asking us to trust him. Not halfway, not a little bit while we continued to charge on, but to trust him fully.
There is no where else to go when God takes away the one thing you cling to for control over your situation. Money.
Once we completely surrendered God lit a path for us. And it has been full of blessing.
These last few months, Our kids are in a better school district and thriving!  
We are renting so our bills have actually decreased in amount and size. We have actually been able to payoff a tremendous amount of debt. We have built a stronger foundation for our ourselves by leaning into God and holding tight to each other.

I feel like I am looked at as a lazy person for being "just" a stay at home mom. I feel like people think just because I'm not working outside the home that I don't provide for my family, and I certainly feel the judgement when somebody tells me: "I or my wife does all that and works."

Look, I'm not going to debate who works harder...
We all have to make sacifices for our beliefs and values.

Our values are that kids need a parent full time throughout their young lives, that is why I spent 15 years being a nanny and working in child care, because God gave me a heart for caring for kids.
God also brought a man into my life that was a perfect provider, whose heart was open to being a one income family and who valued one parent being the primary care giver.

I don't know when or how God is going to bring steady income back into our lives but I do know that he will, and it will be all that we need.

I  know that things are on my heart to try and just because there is not a check in the mail from them, doesn't mean they are any less worthy of trying out.
I am so honored to have a man that will stand up for me, for our family and for our choices. Even when the "world" is telling us different.
And even though Facebook encourages us to accept friends, sometimes the people that can't, don't or won't support you need to be released from the temptation to give their opinions. LOL!

House news.

We got the call yesterday that the mortgage company is going to except the short sale offer that was made on our house.
I would be lying if I said this wasn't a huge kick in the teeth. We had worked so long and hard to come to an agreement with the mortgage company to us they said NO. But they excepted an offer ~that makes me sick in the stomach~ low.
July 7th is the closing date. That is IF they can get the money lined up. IF they can get an inspection done. IF we can get a closing that quickly.
I have started packing. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to pack but it's started.
Without verifiable income we can not get approved for a rental.
This has been the hardest thing for me.
Rob and I had a heart to heart the other night where we compared feelings: Both of us feeling like we are swimming with anchors on our backs. He's still fighting, I'm still fighting...there is breath in our lungs and we are calling out to God.
This has been the longest endurance test of my life and I can only come out stronger.
On the job end, Rob has had some great interviews and interest, unfortunately commission only, no insurance jobs won't work for us.
I have not worked in nearly 9 years. My skill set will only get us so far, and it will take me away from my FIRST job, my children. I do realize that many households are a 2 income family. My background is pretty much ALL childcare. My husband and I have talked at length about what is and is not right for our family. My working for minimum wage this summer is not right for our family. That is all I'm going to say about that.

We are gearing up for a moving sale. I did not want to have a garage sale, they have always been far more work then profitable for me; but I am ready to do some purging!
Speaking of purging we got a nice solid offer on our dead as a doornail, not gonna ever run again unless you want to sink $$$$$ into it, Subaru. YES!

I have my moments, signing the papers yesterday was not a good one. Today though God is with me, and every time I turn my thoughts I am rewarded with His Peace. However I'd really like to rewarded with a solid job and rental. "wink wink".

NOT.IT

I flit from researching, organizing tips, and planning days for Disney; to scouring want adds for rentals.
One makes me happy, giddy; the other not.so.much.
Yesterday we had a showing at a rental. This rental wasn't anything special, wasn't even in the "right" district. (We are trying to stay in our current school district) If not the district at least the same city, so I can drive them to their school on open enrollment. (Gulp, for 2-5yrs)
So this house, When we arrived the guy was hauling out of his trunk a vacuum.
Huh, interesting...
The moment I walk in I notice the kitchen, then I notice there are no appliances and the cupboards are like half open half closed, there's an inch of dust or something on the floor and he's rapidly trying to clean it up.
Next thing I notice is the blinding bold wall color on the front wall. It is a dark denim blue, lets say blueberry. I turn back toward the kitchen and notice that wall. It is the color of pea soup. The green pea not the yellow pea, but that's coming...
Hmmm, interesting...this is going to suck re-painting...
We head down the stairs. It's a walk out. This family room has half laminate floor and half carpet. Stained carpet. And when I say half I am talking straight down the middle of the room half, like somebody had a fight and they chose sides. We entered the mechanical room and there was paint cans galore, and then I noticed the drain, it was full of nasty. (Nasty was all I could make out, I didn't look too closely at it.)
We went upstairs, into the living room.
WOW! I should have brought my sunglasses in here.
Again two different colors on the walls.
One, you guessed it, mustard-dingy yellow. The other color was pomegranate. Awful.
As I was turning to go down the hallway to the bedrooms, the guy says "Do you have any questions?"
Just one: "We could repaint in here right? Like a neutral color?"
"Well, no. My wife is the painter and we don't want to have to repaint after you were to leave."
I'm sorry what did he say?
"Really? Wow, so these colors are staying?"
"Yes."
I walked down the hall, Rob was waiting for me.
"Look at this one." He said leading me to a bedroom.
This one was painted sky blue. Like the kind you see on a super sunny day, blinding and on the ceiling and halfway down the walls were clouds. My face must have said it all because he said;
"What you don't like the blue sky room?"
"Lets go. I don't need to see anymore."
We weren't there more then 5 minutes. I didn't even ask about where the appliances were.
The rent on the fruit bowl/sky room house $1600/month.
You would have to pay ME to live in a fruit bowl.
Not it.
NOT.IT.
I flit from rentals to houses for sale. There are some really nice homes in short sale right now. Each one I look at I pray for the family that is going through it, just like us.
Rob and my goal was to find a rental, a nice house in a great neighborhood that we could rent long term and once our credit is repaired buy the rental. That is proving to be extremely difficult, since there are no rentals in our price range that we have even considered renting, let alone buying afterward.
There have been a few homes that were just priced a bit higher then we could be comfortable with, but they were homes we could see our selves buying in the end.
You can't afford what you can't afford. Right this minute, it's not affordable.
Rob is pursuing other job opportunities, and if one of them happen that would make all the difference in what would then be affordable. It is crazy that it is a matter of a few hundred dollars.
Blows my human mind.

Yesterday I moved some money around and bought our Magic Your Way tickets for Disney. It felt awesome. This family is going to the happiest place on earth while God figures out the future for this family. I have to chuckle and say NOT.IT. Because I have no control in this situation. I can't provide a job for my husband, a house to magically appear ready and perfect and within our budget. All I can do is pack. Pack for the trip and pack for the move, which I'm not starting until we get back.
So I call NOT.IT

Being fed.

I was up early today. And when I say early most all of you would groan at me because technically you were all up way before then....
So what did I do with my time?
Commented on Facebook.
I have been lacking the wit over there.
Not wanting to say much more then "like".
Either someone said what I would say or I was too lazy to come up with something.
I haven't been right in my head lately.
Haven't been myself.
I can't really, I am too busy Trusting God.
The second my focus comes off His timing and plans and Love that's when the flurry of deceit comes in.
We spent the last couple days haggling over a closing date on an offer for the house.
Each time we gave a date, they moved it up closer.
No kidding.
Until finally they said we need to put in writing that they'd get the house a week after the bank approved the offer. There is no guarantee the bank will approve the offer but what if the bank does? and what if it happens in mid-May? We'd have to be out while we are in Disney? right after coming home from Disney? Before the end of the school year?
Oh ho ho, these people have really poked the bear.
I just can't figure out how two people can be so irrational.

So it was left, undecided. We won't commit and they won't re-write the offer.
We have a showing tonight with another couple.
Lets lift up some prayers shall we?
Heavenly Father, Please let our house be appealing to this couple coming tonight. May they feel like they've found home and give a good offer with a decent closing date,
In your Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

I have been reading our Pastor's new book. I posted about it a few posts ago. It is stellar. I haven't put the highlighter down and little nuggets stay with me, that I'll randomly throw out in conversations with my husband. To which he looks at me amazed and I have to confess "Pastor Bob." He nods in the "I kinda figured" sort of way.

So Pastor is talking about Moses and how Moses didn't want to do what God was asking.
He felt he wasn't anything special, that there were plenty of others more talented to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. But God convinces him, He thinks "oh yeah God's gonna make this easy."
And guess what? The Pharaoh says: "No way."
Okay now what? What's with the hurdles? What's with this being hard?
Um cause if it was easy what would you learn?
We gain strength through enduring. The trials are what make us more dependent on God. So when the next task comes along instead of saying Heck no I won't go...We remember that with God we are capable. Our faith grows.
It totally makes sense reading, but applying it, oofda!
Lets talk about our family devotion last night, it was about trusting God.
All around me I'm being fed His promises, His wisdom.

Last night my Husband got a call from a friend of the family's. It brought me to tears what that conversation was about. When I think about it I clearly see that this is a God thing. A generous offer to help. Something deep inside me breaks, because I have very deep wounds from my own family and their selfishness, broken promises; and here is a man who knows us casually and said "I want you to think of us as family. We are here for you."

I ask that if you have read this post today, please pray for our family. That the perfect home will come into view for us. Thank you.

Happy Thursday!

Psalm 42:9-11

Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
"Why did you let me down? Why am I walking around in tears, harassed by enemies?"
They're out for the kill, these tormentors with their obscenities, Taunting day after day,
"Where is this God of yours?"
Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God

What's giving me strength today.

Keeping the leaves Green.

The title of this post might have you thinking it's gonna be about spring.
This is where I tell you we just got hammered with more snow.
It many people I know crazy. Including my husband.
The title refers to a verse I post at the end.

What a difference a day makes.
My last posting I had said how I didn't have any news.
Yesterday it felt like all hell broke loose in one day.
I posted on facebook that morning.
"It's a new day. Bring it."
That was dumb, because it opened up a whole kind of nasty.
Attacks from the enemy.
Awful stuff.
I'm not sure how much I've ever talked about the "bullying" I endured from my sister and her friends.
It's not something I like to dwell on.
As my mother so "kindly" pointed out yesterday "...have a hard time letting things go..."
In some cases this is true: I have grown into forgiving, but I do not forget, especially when it comes to abuse and not allowing it to continue.
I found out that my sister is dating a guy she had dated back in high school. A guy that torture and abused me.
Without getting into details, I was brought right back to that place of being 12 and helpless, alone, nobody standing up for me...
It's not that I haven't let it go, it's just that I hadn't expected to be back in a place where I was confronted with it again.
I don't think that is called "not letting it go."
She also commented about the game "telephone" where one person tells a story to another and another and pretty soon the story is nothing like it started out being.

Was she saying that this was like a game of telephone? That I was changing things about what happened to what? Make this person look bad?
Why would someone (me) make up that kind of pain?

That just doesn't happen. NOBODY imagines being abused. NOBODY imagines those things, works hard at putting those things be hide her and forgives for them happening and goes on to build a trusting marriage. 
That certainly doesn't mean she wants to see her abuser again or have them forced into her life again.
Moving on. (I am guarding my tongue.)


We got an offer on the house.
It was incredibly ridiculous, almost to the point of "stealing"; it was so low.
To add insult to injury, they added a whole page of stipulations and demands, like getting the house at the asking price wasn't ENOUGH of a deal.
I know it was the enemy working.
We rejected the offer, didn't even consider counter-offering.


We found out there is more interest and many showings coming up this weekend. God is looking out for us. He has worked it so that these people that made the "offer" have a showing at the same time as another couple who are coming back for a second showing.
I love me some of THOSE apples ;)


Rob and I looked at a home in a city close by. It would be a change in school district for our kids. They are still young enough for this to be okay. But what is nagging me is it's further away from our church.
It also is on the high side of what we could afford.
I keep thinking, and maybe I'm wrong here, but I keep thinking God is going to let me know when it's the one. But what if I'm not listening? what if I'm being stubborn and miss it? What if I want it this way and am not considering it His way?  I so do not want to be difficult and stubborn in this, and yet my personality, what got me through those tough years is also a hard nosed toughie who will stand firm on her beliefs. The difference between then and now is I know Christ I have placed my faith in him.
Sitting and waiting. Sitting and waiting, it's like poking a bear with a stick. The enemy loves that.
All I can do is pray; trust who he's been transforming me into.
His will.
His timing.

Yesterday a dear friend stopped over and saw the worst of me. I'm a wreck and she got an up close and personal viewing of that.
I am embarrassed. I should be able to hold it together better.

Man, was the enemy working hard yesterday.

Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by the long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit. ~Jeremiah 17:7-8

I going to dig my roots in and drink from the living well, keep these leaves GREEN.

Holding it together.

Navigating through this glop challenges me every.single.day.
We get a lead on a house and our calls go unanswered, or we finally see the place and let's just say a magician took the pictures. Or we booked for a showing with three other couples and feel like it's cattle call for renters.
Or, and this is the worst, we find out that the rental in question is a scam.
I've had a couple of these already, and thankfully God gives me a gut check every time one of these things comes up.
Friends who have talked to me say "You seem to be handling this well."
What other choice do I have? I have kids that are counting on me. They don't understand this.
I am afraid that we may be breaking a promise made to them to "try and stay in the school district." But the problem with that is, then which ever district we DO move into it will be the one the kids are in for the rest of their schooling. We do not want to change after this move.
As the days go on I am surprised but how one person can be so ill equipped at giving encouragement and then someone else can be unbelievably generous and only a friend of the family.
It's crazy.
I've seen the absolute best of some people and the absolute "truth" of others. Which makes me sad, not for me but for them. I think: "You are wasting this opportunity. You are choosing self over salvation."
Do I blindly think God will make this all work out and I have nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs and wait?
Absolutely not!
I am doing my best to follow promptings, keep my eyes focused on Him and continue on like the storm isn't raging outside.
I cried last night, prayed and when my husband came in and sat next to me. He asked if I was okay.
I said "I held it together long enough for today."
He said "For today? You've been holding it together since the beginning of this."
Yesterday was one of the more difficult days. We had a few showings and we both had hopes for them.
Both turned out to be a bust.
It is frustrating to then go home and face your children. When they ask you "Did you find a new house?"
All I can do is sigh and say "Not this time."
When inside I'm screaming "Lord, PLEASE. I can not do this! I could handle this if I just knew we had a place to go. A place we can afford, that will be perfect for this family!"
Instead I smile, biting my lip so the tears don't fall and say "Not this time. We'll find something."
Tomorrow we are having dinner with my family, it will defiantly be a test for me. They are extremely judgmental and critical. I am trying to strengthen my armor, because I am sure that the enemy is sharpening his spears for tomorrow.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from from the fatal plague. He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.~Psalm 91:1-4

Today.

Today we went and look at a rental house.
Not a townhome.
Not an apartment.
Not a rinky-dink rambler smaller then the house we owned before we had two children.
A house.
In a nice neighborhood, in the same school district.
Wheels are in motion to see if this will work for us, for them...
Please pray for our family.


If you already have something, you don't need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently. ~ Romans 8:24-25

This is what the Lord Almighty says: All this may seem impossible to you now, a small and discouraged remnant of God's people. But do you think this is impossible for me, the Lord Almighty? ~Zechariah 8:6

Now Glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.~ Ephesians 3:20

Making friends with my problems.

I've gone back and forth between crying and being strong,faithful.
Still no desire to pack...but I'm not worried. If I pack I won't know where stuff is, what stuff we want to take what stuff we want to get rid off. Nothing that we use is getting packed yet.
I was told to take down our pictures.
NO.
The house is still our home until July.
The pictures of our family, of our life STAY. Until July.
I've been vigilant with doing devotions, both with the family and on my own through out the day. Reading your sweet emails and messages.
All giving me just the right dose of encouragement right when I need it, in the very way my heart can handle it.
Can I share some of it with you?

Good morning Sara! Remember we were talking about crisis mode? Just doing the next thing . . . etc. In my devotion today it talked about crisis which comes from the Greek word that means decision or judgment. A crisis of belief is not a calamity in your life but a turning point where you must make a decision. You must decide what you truly believe about God. The way you respond at this turning point will determine whether you become involved with God in something God-sized that only He can do or whether you will continue to go your own way and miss what He has purposed for your life. The way you live your life is a testimony of what you believe about God. Wow! Isn't that awesome.


Sending my love and a big hug to you today! Ju
 
 
Beth Moore devotion:
We would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead.~ 2 Corinthians 1:9

The level of trust we have for God is a monumental issue in the life of every believer. Many variables in our lives affect our willingness to trust God. A loss or betrayal can deeply mark our level of trust. A broken heart never mended can handicap us terribly when challenged to trust. Trusting an invisible God doesn't come naturally to any of us.
Our trust relationship with Him grows only when we step out in faith and make the choice to trust. The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience. "I found Him faithful yesterday. He will not be unfaithful today."

Jesus Calling 365 Devotions for kids.:

Make Friends with your problems.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. ~ Romans 8:28

Make friends with the problems you have in your life. Yes, that's right. And don't forget to thank Me for them either. That sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I can use every single problem to teach you something. Just as a sculptor chisels away bits of rough stone to reveal a masterpiece, I can use your problems to chip away rough bits of stubbornness,pride and selfishness, to reveal My masterpiece-you!
It's your choice. you can keep your problems all to yourself, so that they grow and become stumbling blocks that trip you up. Or you can make friends with your problems by introducing them to Me and letting Me make them part of My plan. I may not take your problems away, but I will make something good come out of them.



Each day brings a new set of feelings. Each day is a new day to CHOOSE where my thoughts will go.
I want to come out of this a polished stone. I want God to use this time to chisel away my stubbornness and pride. I want to TRUST God fully and believe that He is working to make this good. I want my testimony to be one of Trust and His Faithfulness.

"So Hello, forclosure, though I didn't ask for you to drop into my life, you are here now. I don't really want you to make yourself at home, but feel free to sit and watch what God has planned for me and well; you, because it is going to be God-sized and it is going to be GOOD!"

oofdah!

Let me be the first to admit, this is hard.
Going through the foreclosure process is not for the faint of heart.
What I am dealing with feelings wise and what my husband is battling are completely different and yet it is coming from the same evil place.
Today as I was setting up a play date for Butter for spring break the mother asked me:
"Are you guys moving? Ashlyn said Butter told her you are moving."
I took a deep breath and said:
"Yes, we are moving. Sometime in June or July. We are loosing our house."
The way I see it is, transparent. I'm not going to sugar coat or fluff it for someone else to hear it.
Nobody's doing that for me, I get to live all the gory details, so if you ask you get to hear them too.
(or if you read this blog.)
She didn't know how to respond, which is most people's reaction. So I fill the gap of silence.
"It's okay. I know God has something good planned for us."
I say it even if I'm not feeling it.
Because I've learned that it's not a feeling to Trust God. It's a choice.
To hell with my feelings, I CHOOSE to trust God.
If I live in that pit of feelings I've got nothing.
I might not SEE what God is doing, but at least there's hope.
In the pit, there is only despair. It's prime target city for the enemy.
My feelings SUCK right now. I can't sleep at night, I cry on the spot if I think too long about feeling...
Tears are welling up this instant as feelings bubble to the service.
So I cry out "Lord I hurt. This doesn't make sense. I choose to trust you. Can I NOT cry right now, can I at least make it through the day without shedding a tear? Can we save this for night when only you can see it."

As I stood there in silence-not even speaking of good things-the turmoil within me grew to the bursting point...and so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.~Psalm 39:2,7


The last couple days I've stepped back from planning our trip. I can honestly, without a doubt say; that this trip is a GOD SEND. The crushing weight of feeling like a LOSER is awful.
I have people advising me to start packing...start purging...tick tick tick down the list.
The moment I think about it I am blindsided by worry, pain, bitterness, shake my fist anger.
It is difficult to hold yourself together in the sight of your child who has questions: "Mommy will I still go to this school?" "Mommy where are we moving?" "Mommy why do we have to move?"
"Do I get to bring my toys? Our house isn't lost, it's right here."
They don't understand, Butter told me the other day: "Mom, why don't you just give them your card, like you do at Target." (I have a debit card that takes money out of our checking and saves us 5% at Target. It's not a credit card and trying to explain that we have to have money in the bank BEFORE we can use the card.)
To her the card is magic, and pays for things like chapstick, socks and toilet paper, milk,t-shirts and red licorice and sometimes Barbies and Squinkies.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all that he has done.~ Philippians 4:6



Oofdah this is all I can do today.

When you wish upon a star...

I have posted several times before about my dream for our family to go to Disney World. I had thought that I was very close to reaching that goal in January, when I found out what the tax refund would be and having spent many hours complying data, tips and pricing.

I was prayerful;

" Lord, if we are to use this money to do this let there be peace in my heart to move forward. If it is your will that this is not the time, please take away this desire and refocus my mind on what IS your will."

I had stopped collecting data. It just got too over-whelming.

Then my husband came home late. The car broke down. It was a clear sign that the paper route needed to be over. Control would need to be given up in this area for my Husband.

Then came the news about the house foreclosure.

We had been jumping through hoop after hoop, all communication had stopped on their end and it wasn't until a call from the sheriff told us of the sale. Panic set in for me.

Disney was not only off the table it was thrown into a dark corner to collect dusk until who knows when!

I began our search for a "new" place to live. I found a few things and wanted to go look at them. I needed a better idea of the space. I called for an appointment and was given a name. Sean. He called and said that day didn't work and that he'd call or email the next day to set something up. He didn't do either. I waited half the day, then I called again requesting someone else. A lady called me back she couldn't do it that day either. Time was running out, I only have the weekend to do these things since we have one vehicle. I called again and asked for yet another person, someone that could do it today.

Finally someone would meet us, in 15 minutes!

We met with Linda, and even though the space was not going to work for us, we felt the desire to share our situation with her. At which point she told us she had gone through this exact thing when her husband became sick and lost his job. She took us under her wing and just started telling us what the next steps were.

We met with a lawyer, Heather, that explained in great detail what was coming, what to expect and gave us some unexpected news as well. She went through foreclosure as well recently. She was now doing this work because she felt called to help others. I cried. I asked a million and one questions. I cried some more. 

At the end of our meeting Heather looked at me and said "It's going to be alright. I want you guys to take some time and some money and do something fun for the family. You need to break the stress."

Rob laughed because he had suggested the same thing and my response was: ABSOLUTELY NOT! We need to save every last cent, we have no idea what is coming.

I was being given permission to release control, reminded that I had a life jacket and I would not be left to sink.

I said to them "I believe we were meant to meet. I believe that Rob and I were meant to go through this and go through this with both of you."

From the moment it all happened I never once feared loosing the house. I had peace that God was taking control and all we had to do was hold on to Him, cling if we needed, but TRUST Him. My worry came in the sense of lost dreams, Disney. Or at least taking our first family vacation somewhere.

Instead, I feared it would be all about the stress of moving.

That evening as we drove home I asked "Do you think we should?"

"Should what? Go to Disney? Yes. I know that you can get us there on a budget. I trust your gut." Rob said.

I was up until 3:30AM researching, I was even more over-whelmed then before, I could not make a decision. I finally went to bed and prayed:

Lord, please release me from this. I can't make a mistake. This can not be the right thing.

The next morning I checked my email, one message led me to one website then another and another, soon I had a quote and it was off the charts do-able! As soon as I confirmed the reservation I felt relief. JOY!

I believe that this was His planning and timing. I have wanted this for years, I have struggled through some heavy stuff and right now it's as crushing as ever. I could easily go down that road to depression and get lost there. But He has been walking right there with me, guiding me away from that. Nothing can be done now but repair and only time can do that.

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go thorugh rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.~ Isaiah 43:2

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.~ Psalm 126:5-6

I believe that this was His planning and timing, I believe if we weren't going through this storm Disney never would have worked.

When I  had lost all hope, I turned my thoughts once more to the Lord. ~ Jonah 2:7

The Lord is my strength, my sheild from every danger. I trust in him with all my heart.~ Psalm 28:7

SO be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure trials for awhile. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure.~1 Peter 6-7

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trilas, for we know that they are good for us-they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.~Romans 5:3-4

If I didn't cling to these verses, I wouldn't be headed here: 

When my eyes set upon this, I will think of Heaven and the palace promised for those who put their faith in the Lord:

It will feel amazing being the guest at a table that we drempt of, seeing those we've longed to see; I can only IMAGINE being a guest of Jesus...

There is a princess I have always wanted to meet! And a certain "hero" of mine. I was 13 when I went to Disney and the only one I remember meeting was Goofy.

Move over Tina and Stamos!

The little 8 year old girl is bursting to come out of me and gaze on the Beauty whose true love wasn't skin deep! I also can't wait to meet my "mentor" Mary Poppins, since we are both child care givers and believe just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!

Disney is most definitely our sugar!

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme

When you wish upon a star as dreamers do

Fate is kind, she brings to those who love

The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue, fate steps in and sees you thru

When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true

News on the home front.

I don't know if you're like me or not but sometimes I feel like it's one step forward, three steps back.
It gets to be frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished, not by God, but society; for being a stay at home mom.
We try our best to live on one income, but things beyond our control happen that stretch this budget past our limits.
Gas. Have you been to the pump?
Technically I haven't been in quite some time, Hubby does all the gas pumping, it's a love language between us :)
But I have driven by a gas station and nearly wet my pants in fear.
Seriously, do they think we can afford $50 fill ups 3x a week?
Did you know my husband supplements our income by doing a paper route?
Did you know that our Subaru gave it's life doing the route for 3 years?
That ended today, well in four weeks from today, because they require a 4 week notice.
I told Rob to tell his "boss" that if he'd like to pay for our gas we'd he'd be more then happy to work 4 more weeks, if not, he gets 2.
Since I am the "aggressive" one I may have to make that call.
After much praying, it has to be done. We looked back at the repair costs and gas costs which are only going up and decided there wasn't much supplementing going on.
What is scary is we could count on something every Friday, now it's back to every two weeks.
Right after we decided to let it go we got a doozy of bad news.
We have been battling it out with our mortgage company for a little over 3 years.
Uh huh, I said a little over 3 years.
It's no wonder I'm on blood pressure meds.
Today they told us they were done. Apparently they'd rather have another foreclosed house on their hands. We were then informed that the house sold January 10th, the day they received our payment, which they kindly sent back to our bank.
I remember that day, the bank called and said "What would you like us to do with $$$$.$$?"
I responded "What is that from?"
"You're mortgage company sent it back."
"They WHAT?!?!?"
Whatever.
They call on the 5th day of every month to "remind" us of our payment being due.
Yep. We know. We can't pay it until Friday...
So they stopped taking our calls and  now sending our money back.
Nice.
Rob is diligently working through every course of action, I am making list of what to sell, what to take and what to leave here when the sheriff shows up with an eviction notice. They can pay for the dumpster. :)
If this sounds to you like I'm handling it well, you'd be wrong. All you have to do is look into my eyes and see the overwhelming pain of FAILING.
I know that many are in this exact situation, but we still failed.
This house was never our dream home, it wasn't more then we could handle; it was a house to grow a family.
The economy changed and we were hit hard. Pay cut after pay cut took it's toll. Owing more on a house than we could sell it for.
It wasn't merely "stop eating out." or "tighten the boot straps." it was the cost of living going up verses the take home pay of  a one income family.
We lost. We failed.
I do not look forward to renting a place that will be smaller, I do not look forward to digging out from this credit wise.
Instead, I look up. I believe that this happened because our grip was so tight on the controls that God needed to take them back, and sometimes He has no other choice but to pry it away from us.
Did He do this? No. We did.
He requires obedience and we have consequences if we don't follow.

Whether we like it or not, we will obey the Lord our God to whom we send you with our plea. For if we obey him, everything will turn out well for us.~ Jeremiah 42:6

Could I tell you where it all happened, maybe, but I could be wrong in my guess. For all I know it was a heart issue instead of a human error.
The truth is God doesn't ask you to follow your "feelings"; He requires we follow Him.
So now we wait for the next step.
Now that this door is closing, which will open next?

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.~James 1:2-3


We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us-they help us learn to endure.~Romans 5:3

3 lbs.

It may not sound like much, I mean that could be a bowel movement, but today at the gym before my workout, so I took a deep breath and stepped on.
I try to check my weight every time I go to the gym, but usually somebody is on it and I refuse to check it if their are people lurking around.
I had checked it earlier in the week and that same evening my husband *kindly* announced his weight and you know what the difference was?
I'm not actually going to say but I will say I was not happy about it.
Not happy at all.
So I did what any girl would do and took it out on the machines.
I am struggling, I really really don't like working out.
I hate sweating.
I had a debate with a gal at the gym about the sauna. She loves it because it's the only way she sweats and I would never set foot in it because just thinking about it sends me running for my Secret.
Today I did not want to go to the gym, but had had to go, I have 9 days in and I need 12 for insurance to cover it. (Which if your good at math; will tell you I have to go everyday for the rest of the month.)
I like lifting weights, sort of. I keep telling myself building muscle burns fat...
Then today I had a break through. I weighed myself.
3 lbs.
I weighed myself again.
3 lbs.
I weighed myself again, this time making sure nothing was in my hands, taking off every possible thing I was wearing without getting kicked out for improper dress code violation.
3 lbs.
Okay, I can do this.
I need to suck it up and drag my lazy butt in and get my workout in because pretty soon those 3 lbs are gonna have friends and those friends are gonna tell their friends and before I know it Bikini will be knocking on my door saying " Hey didn't I know you once back in the day? How about getting to know each other again."
And instead of slamming the door I will step aside and invite Yellow polka dot in.

Oh how I've changed...

I was the ninth baby my mother conceived. Number 9. I've always liked the number nine, it was a "duel" number. With just a teenie-tiny flip it could become the number six. I like that it can be two things. Sometimes nine is better, nine is greater then six, nine is six + three. Three MORE then six. But then six comes first, before nine. You can not get to nine without a six. Okay technically you can 4+5, 7+2, 8+1...you get the picture, but if you are counting, then you must have six before nine. No, I have not decided to become a math teacher, I rather dislike math, ever since they tried to teach me fractions. This mind does NOT see how numbers can suddenly be added to, or subtracted from or multiplied with LETTERS. Letters SPELL. I got good grades in English so I know my letters...
Wow, did I get off track there...HelLO back to point:
Baby number nine. Oh, the thought of having eight other siblings. I could really imagine that. I would rather like it. I would have seven other chances to have one of them be my buddy. My Best-ee. It is painful and often times depressing to think about the lost relationship between my sister and myself. We just can't seem to "get along". It isn't for lack of trying, it is for lack of grace. Um, that really hurts to admit right there, so if you're lurking right now, do me a favor and just knowledge that in a comment please. I'm showing guts here, KaPOW, SPLAdow, guts, hanging all open and exposed.
See, I don't understand her. I want to, but I don't. We think completely different. I'm not saying my way of thinking is right, and hers is wrong, they are just very different. Those that have someone close to them that are not Christian get this. For me it comes down to: What is God teaching her by giving her what she wants? When she doesn't acknowledge who it really is providing it. Entitlement is one of my biggest pet-peeves. And guess what? Nine-tenths of my family have entitlement issues. More guts...
When I was little...see this is me...Little:Cute little bugger huh? When I was little all that I wanted from my sister was a playmate. She didn't want that from me. She'd have liked for my mom to have stopped at 8.

There is my first defining moment: Being able to deal with loneliness and being given a strong imagination to sustain the years to come.
Are you wondering what happened to the other 7? In my mother's first marriage she suffered two miscarriages of two sets of twins. (4) She then gave birth to other set of twins that were far too early and stillborn. (6) She divorced him. She met Howie, married and Robert Allen was born two months early and critically ill. He lived ten days. Sherri came two years and many many shots later. Mom had no problem getting pregnant it was staying pregnant. She, I'm sure was their miracle baby, well maybe not so much Howie's since he had already had two children with his first wife, but certainly for my mom. After all that heartache, finally a beautiful little girl. Two and half years later I came along. A completed family. Memories for me are few and far between, I remember feeling closer to my pets then my parents and much more so then my sister. From the moment I came home from the hospital she wanted nothing to do with me unless it was to make me cry. Mom can tell you the stories, I don't need to.
When I became a tween: My Second defining moment: I began fighting for my right to BE. I had opinions, feelings,dreams. I didn't want someone, mostly Sherri, telling me how ugly or stupid or useless I was. Finding out I had a brother and we weren't aloud to speak of him, feeling lost that I wasn't "enough" to be given this knowledge, I wasn't able to talk about him or wonder about him. I would later confront Mom about Robert Allen. From the moment I found out about him I felt like HE was the child she wanted, not me. And the way she treated me only made that more clear.(to me) She allowed Sherri to take out her pain on me. Mothers pain, led to Sherri's pain, which led to hurting me. For whatever reason, Sherri's life wasn't what she'd wanted, so she took out her pain on me. If someone else hurt as badly as she did, then she wasn't alone. It hurts to see this so clearly, if she'd just have turned to me, what a force we could have been.(Coining Jack Shepard~ Live together or die alone)
My parents divorced and sides were taken. Mom and I, Sherri and Dad. Mom felt out of control so she controlled the only thing she could: Me. I had strict boundaries and harsh punishments. It was in my teens that I longed to die. Defining moment number Three. I felt trapped, unwanted, barely loved and what I desired most was freedom. Had it not been for a caring and steady boyfriend I very well could have ended up believing the Devils lies. Even back then, it's funny my rebellious attitude held strong, the more those feelings attacked me, the more stubborn I became. God knew this stubborn heart...
At age NINEteen, Defining moment number Four. I left home and for the first time lived completely apart from all that I knew. No the job wasn't what I had expected and yes it took a toll on me and my trust, but it brought me to a place I needed to be for the next journey...

My early twenties. I was WILD, I made up for always being the "good girl". I broke free of the nice, caring for other's Sara and ran full speed into: It MY turn to be happy. I can hear Frank singing right now: "Regrets...I've had a few.......but I did it MY Way...."
If I could go back and tell THIS me one thing, it would be SLOW down, you'll get there, it doesn't have to be break-neck speed girl.
I think if I had gone slower less mistakes would have been made. I mean did there really have to be SO many causalities? No, no there didn't. I could have still learned what I learned with less damage. Defining moment number Five. He was priming me, this tree was gorgeous, adorned, I was in full beauty, it was my SPRING! I was ripe for the picking.
Though I knew I was in my prime and should be celebrating. I wasn't, my roots were in dry soil and I was thirsting from the inside out. It would not be long before all my beautiful buds dropped and I withered.

But just before that happened I was gave one last amazing show of beauty. I gave it everything I had, bared it all, even the dried, cracking roots showed.
And then I was told it was time to prune. All of my once pretty branches were cut from me. In order to grow I needed to be cut-back. I suffered a break-down very soon after meeting my Husband, as a matter of fact it was right after we became engaged and while I should have been happy planing our life together. Instead, Defining moment number Six. I was planning my treatment. Out-patient, drug-free. Although part of the requirements for the program was that we take the medication the Doctor deemed necessary. I took one round and in made me so sick that I stopped taking it. I didn't want a pill to make me feel better, I wanted to skills to cope, not a blanket to hide it.
Once I got released, I felt good. being in the program I was only reminded that I wasn't "enough" to be "seen". Since I wasn't actively saying everyday I felt like killing myself the counselors gave all their attention to those individuals. It was really difficult being there, I felt just as hopeless, just as pained, I was just ready to TALK it out, not act it out. I'm not really sure why those people were even IN out-patient, it seemed to me that they were a danger to themselves and should be IN patient. I felt God pulling me to shore. Though I can't say I knew it was God then, but I knew that my week of out-patient was all I needed to snap the door shut on depression as I'd known it. I found a great counselor. She was kind, caring she pushed me to admit things I was afraid to say out loud. She was a soft place to fall. And when all my falling was over I valued her advice. I did not agree with it at the time, but I certainly valued it. Her advice had been the same as the other two before her: breakaway from the toxic family that was causing all the pain. As hurtful as my family was I couldn't just turn my back and walk away, not at that time.
I had to build a stronger foundation. I found Jesus when I got married. I turned to Jesus when I got pregnant and had to cling to His Strength. I had to swallow a pride pill when I became pregnant again and thought I knew best. I began studying His word. Defining moment number Seven. I began living to please Him. It was at this time I was able to walk away, slowly from the toxic family I had grew up in. There was a period of time that I spoke to none of them. Now slowly, He is leading me back...

This is where I am today. Working on WHO God wants me to be. Not who I'd like to be, or who I wish I were or who others want me to be. I am content right now that my branches are bare, I'm content that all I have is the drink I longed for, as long as my roots are healthy, then I can only imagine how beautiful the next bloom will be. It brings me back to the numbers: I've actually had a few more defining moments, I just didn't talk about them in this post. But I did talk about liking being a number Nine, a duel number...turned upside down it can be a six. The last SIX years of my life have been living in the TRUTH, the last Nine years I have spent with the man God chose for me. I like that I am fully made of Flesh and I LOVE that I have the Holy Spirit inside me as well. Because I may not be perfect, I am still perfectly made. In times that I am lack mercy, Grace still covers me. I can be sinful and yet redeemed. It is in my conviction that I choose to change. Free will but still must choose to obey. Oh, how I have changed.