I had a fairly uneventful weekend. Friday we had dinner at my in-laws church. It is always nice to see the church family, who always seem to know us, even though we go to a different church. They are so welcoming and friendly.
Saturday we went to the beach for the first time this year. It is not like the beaches y'all have on the coast(s). It is a man-made chlorinated thing with a sand bottom. Rob and I out-lasted the kids.
I also found out that sunscreen should be applied along the armpit region. Yes, I found this out the hard way.
Sunday was a difficult day for me. I took some time to go "shopping". I needed to pay a bill and find a new bra. I found it difficult to pray. I have been praying for the same thing for nearly two years now. And things aren't going the way I would have, ahem, expected. Gosh, does that sound snotty or what?
I just have lost my "want" to pray, because each time I do I feel like I am being selfish. How dare I pray for financial stability when more then half the world is poorer then I. How can I pray for a nice home, good neighborhood, friendly neighbors when their are places in this world that awful things happen to people. They have no home, let alone a pillow or mattress. They fear for their very safety, pisha, good neighborhood, they'd settle for not being threatened...
I feel so awful that my prayers are so...so...American.
Yes, I want for a better world. A less sinful heart. Good health.
But I want this burden taken from me. This awful sense of "I don't KNOW."
Where are we going to get money? Where are we going to live? How are we going to survive?
Will we have to eat PB&J sandwiches for a year? I frankly, haven't even considered that. But maybe that is what this is all about? Maybe I've been so ungrateful for what I've had, so discontent that this is payback. This is consequence.
I don't think I've been so discontent. I don't feel like I'm worse then others with my wanting better.
I really honestly don't know.
And when I think to long about it, I ache.
I do not want to get bitter.
I do not want to become angry.
I do not want to shake my fist at God and say "Why are you doing this?"
But those are all the things that the mind does. I was raised by bitter, angry resentful people.
It has been very difficult to stay in the promise of God.
One day at a time. He promises one day at a time.
My children have started saying to me "Mom, you need to start packing. We are moving."
I have know idea where we are moving to.
I will pack when I need to. I can only deal with today. And today is not a packing day.
I feel like I owe my friends an explanation or an apology.
I haven't been much of a friend lately, especially in the last week having found out Rob lost his job.
I can not talk about IT. I do not want to think about IT. If I go there, I may get lost and never find my way back from the bitterness.
I am feeling weak; but I am taking care of myself. I am closing ranks and leaning into those whose faith is deeper then mine. I HATE admitting that. I hate that I am weak, that I need to focus so hard on who God is in order to stay out of anger. I wish my heart would just know and I wouldn't have to fight this battle daily.
Please continue to pray for us. I do feel your love and it is such a comfort to me.