Weekend update.

I had a fairly uneventful weekend. Friday we had dinner at my in-laws church. It is always nice to see the church family, who always seem to know us, even though we go to a different church. They are so welcoming and friendly.
Saturday we went to the beach for the first time this year. It is not like the beaches y'all have on the coast(s). It is a man-made chlorinated thing with a sand bottom. Rob and I out-lasted the kids.
I also found out that sunscreen should be applied along the armpit region. Yes, I found this out the hard way.
Sunday was a difficult day for me. I took some time to go "shopping". I needed to pay a bill and find a new bra. I found it difficult to pray. I have been praying for the same thing for nearly two years now. And things aren't going the way I would have, ahem, expected. Gosh, does that sound snotty or what?
I just have lost my "want" to pray, because each time I do I feel like I am being selfish. How dare I pray for financial stability when more then half the world is poorer then I. How can I pray for a nice home, good neighborhood, friendly neighbors when their are places in this world that awful things happen to people. They have no home, let alone a pillow or mattress. They fear for their very safety, pisha, good neighborhood, they'd settle for not being threatened...
I feel so awful that my prayers are so...so...American.
Yes, I want for a better world. A less sinful heart. Good health.
But I want this burden taken from me. This awful sense of "I don't KNOW."
Where are we going to get money? Where are we going to live? How are we going to survive?
Will we have to eat PB&J sandwiches for a year? I frankly, haven't even considered that. But maybe that is what this is all about? Maybe I've been so ungrateful for what I've had, so discontent that this is payback. This is consequence.
I don't think I've been so discontent. I don't feel like I'm worse then others with my wanting better.
I really honestly don't know.
And when I think to long about it, I ache.
I do not want to get bitter.
I do not want to become angry.
I do not want to shake my fist at God and say "Why are you doing this?"
But those are all the things that the mind does. I was raised by bitter, angry resentful people.
It has been very difficult to stay in the promise of God.
One day at a time. He promises one day at a time.
My children have started saying to me "Mom, you need to start packing. We are moving."
I have know idea where we are moving to.
I will pack when I need to. I can only deal with today. And today is not a packing day.
I feel like I owe my friends an explanation or an apology.
I haven't been much of a friend lately, especially in the  last week having found out Rob lost his job.
I can not talk about IT. I do not want to think about IT. If I go there, I may get lost and never find my way back from the bitterness.
I am feeling weak; but I am taking care of myself. I am closing ranks and leaning into those whose faith is deeper then mine. I HATE admitting that. I hate that I am weak, that I need to focus so hard on who God is in order to stay out of anger. I wish my heart would just know and I wouldn't have to fight this battle daily.
Please continue to pray for us. I do feel your love and it is such a comfort to me.

Gettin' scared.

I have not been sleeping well, the trip is coming and the fears are creeping in.
I'm not afraid to fly, or anything like that. My fear lies in the what if something happens to us.
I mean a lot could happen.
For instance I could forget to put on sunscreen and get burned like a lobster and then not be able to enjoy touching the whole trip.
OR My gut could act up and the amount of pepto I brought clearly wasn't enough and yet I went to the limits of the travel restrictions/allowances.
OR Our flight could get delayed and we could have to sit in the plane for hours in this heat.
So I know that "stuff" can and usually does happen.
It's the "What will happen to my kids and animals if something bad were to happen to us?" that keeps me up at night. I know that the they will be taken care of. But I worry about them. The immediate and long term effects it would have on them.
I have always been there for them. I've promised to be there for them. (Haven't we all as parents made that promise?)
I know that whatever will be...will be. God has a plan.
My daughter is a tough cookie. She has never known heartache. All her needs have been met before she has even realized she had a need. Life lesson's have been short and sweet thus far. And yet she knows everything in her 7 1/2 years here. I mean everything... {she says rolling her eyes}
Butter's common phrase: "AH, COME ON!"
example:
"Ah come on! I wanted cereal not pancakes for breakfast."
"Butter, it's gonna be hot again, you might want to wear a tank top and shorts instead of that."
"Ah COME ON! I just put this on, I don't want to have to change." (She's already down the stairs halfway to her room before she even finishes the sentence but our house is small I still hear her)
"Have you emptied the dishwasher yet?"
"Ah COME ON! Haven't you looked! I DID it already! Sheesh!"

She's got a "come back" for e.v.e.r.ything. How would this tough cookie "come back" back from loosing the reason she can be so tough? We're THERE. WE're her soft place to land.

If you don't have a dog or animal you can skip this part.
I worry about my dog. She is my fur baby, and not many people, my husband included understand her or could love such an obnoxious thing. She really is obnoxious. She's barky, she'll nip, she begs under the table. She sleeps on our bed, on hubby's pillow...
She turned 5 this summer and just adding up the years I have left makes me tear up. Roo asks all the time: "Mom, you gonna get a new fur baby when Piper dies?"
Rob pipes in: "She's got like 15 more years Roo!"
Roo looks at me, I smile and say "Maybe." And then I choke back the thought of not having Pipe.
Then there is CAT. She has been with me now for 11 years. Oh, she makes me happy. (and , truth be told, M.A.D.) I've moved her 4 times. Each time she's handled it like a champ. I've brought two babies home. Two other cats and four dogs in the time I've had her. Through it all she's stayed loyal and loving.
I can forgive bunnies, mice on the other hand! Point is there is a fierce love I have for these 2 animals and it breaks my heart to think about them not knowing what happened to their Mama.

Pet part over.
You can probably gather I don't travel much. First of all I can't pack right! I think of every situation I MAY have and pack for it. I have been known to pack MY OWN towels, sheets and toilet paper! If it didn't cost me an extra $50 to check my ginormous suitcase I would do it! I don't can't camp. There is no electricity, running water...bugs everywhere and OFF is not a good scent for me.
I try to think that it's a modern world and that if I did happen to forget OR need something there are Targets/Walgreen's/drug stores out there. But I like being prepared. Thoroughly prepared.
Like when I show up in heaven I'll have my list and God will have his and we'll compare notes! And then I'll run done all the questions I had for him on earth. 
I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of what will be left UNdone. What will be left BEHIND while I'm up there dancing on my pearly floors and signing like I'm the next "Angel Idol".  Do we get to watch over and protect our loved ones we leave behind? Are we able to "be there" for them?
That is one of the reason's I do this blog. So my kids have the chance to know me. That is why I painstakingly started journaling the things I wanted my kids to know. Advice, encouragements, wisdom to pass.
I haven't had a lot of loss in my life. Wait, How do I put this better; I haven't felt deep enough love, until now to know what loss would be. Death. My parents are still alive. We aren't close and I've already "lost" my dad and sister. They chose not to be found and I don't go looking...

I have never been able to sit back and RELAX. My mind wonders...to mostly unpleasant things.
WHAT GENE IS THAT? Because I'd surely like to have that one modified!
Anyway, Just wanted you to know I'm scared, prayers are welcome and APPRECIATED!