Palms sweating, heart racing, deep breaths aren't working, minding trying trying trying to keep the song 'Take a load off Fanny' going instead of the bombardment of negative thoughts...
I hate these days. these moments!
It started last night. Hubby and I had a nice time together, good chatting, he gave me a tender kiss, that said "I love you, the kids are asleep..."
I felt the rising panic set in out.of.nowhere.
After a good old cry, I turned over, ashamed that I let anxiety rob me of this moment.
As I was brushing my teeth this morning it dawned on me; I have that "thing" tomorrow; that conference where I'll be meeting up with absolute strangers, in some one's house I've never met before...
What in the world was I thinking when I agreed to DO this?
Oh, can still, not go...but that is not the point!
Now that it's here, my anxiety has taking over; what if they don't like me, what if I'm not my funny, breezy self? What if someone asks if I'm pregnant, because lets face it all my fat has pooled in the front! Every time I where a dress, someone asks. I wasn't planning on where a dress tomorrow; I was planning on wearing the tightest jeans I have a standing the whole time!
Okay, not that either. I'd have to worry about farting then...
This is becoming a TMI post right here.
Let's try to write with our brain, not with what ever thought is first out of the
I fought am fighting a long battle of self-esteem issues, who isn't really? Mine, for me can be crippling. I touched on the "tapes" in my last post...well, I also have "feelings" that go along with those darn words. Abandonment, worthlessness, unlovable...just a few.
These were things that came out of the family I grew up in, so naturally when it's time to go and meet new people the demon "You're family didn't even like you and you think strangers will?"
Comes in and reeks havoc on all my good intentions!
You know when on shows, there is a hysterical person spazzy out about something and someone else comes along and slaps that person out of the spaz? That's what I need, and internal beat down!
I'll be completely honest here, going to the bible and reading verses about how precious I am to God and how he knew my in my mother's womb, really don't help me much in this "mood". All it does it make me feel worse for letting these demons use my heart as a playground and not only am I what they say, but I'm also weak and a bad christian for not "taking it to the cross."
I'm the rebellious child, I guess, God can say all the sweet nourishing words he wants, but when the mood is on the demons just laugh.
This fanny seriously needs to take a load off!
And the only thing that seems to help is those suggestive rap songs that we shook our booties too 'back in the day'.
"Baby got back" and "Rump Shaker". "Gonna make you sweat" and "Whoop there it is" and let's not leave out "Ice Ice Baby".
These are the kind of songs that from the second that beat drops your body can not help itself but follow it.
Now-a-days I can appreciate a guy singing about liking big butts, because funny story, after 2 kids and 20 years my butt is actually kinda big, so it can almost be a sort of anthem right?
"Rump shaker" well, you sort of need a good size rump to shake or there would be no song...
I am certainly "sweating" and "whoop" there is the anxiety.
So I'm gonna go "ice ice" this "baby" down and chill.
Tomorrow will be great, I know this. God has a plan and I just need to remind myself this "baby got back!" As in My heavenly Father's got it...um covered. :0)
PEACE! (ha, sorry had to.)