Friday, April 27, 2012

That good old anxiety...again!

I'm sitting here eating some delicious pea soup {made by my mother-in-law} fighting yet another battle of anxiety.
Palms sweating, heart racing, deep breaths aren't working, minding trying trying trying to keep the song 'Take a load off Fanny' going instead of the bombardment of negative thoughts...
I hate these days. these moments!
It started last night. Hubby and I had a nice time together, good chatting, he gave me a tender kiss, that said "I love you, the kids are asleep..."
I felt the rising panic set in out.of.nowhere.
After a good old cry, I turned over, ashamed that I let anxiety rob me of this moment.
As I was brushing my teeth this morning it dawned on me; I have that "thing" tomorrow; that conference where I'll be meeting up with absolute strangers, in some one's house I've never met before...
What in the world was I thinking when I agreed to DO this?
Oh, can still, not go...but that is not the point!
I want to go wanted to go, it sounded fun, exciting, the potential of meeting new people and making connections.
Now that it's here, my anxiety has taking over; what if they don't like me, what if I'm not my funny, breezy self? What if someone asks if I'm pregnant, because lets face it all my fat has pooled in the front! Every time I where a dress, someone asks. I wasn't planning on where a dress tomorrow; I was planning on wearing the tightest jeans I have a standing the whole time!
Okay, not that either. I'd have to worry about farting then...

This is becoming a TMI post right here.

Okay, breath.
Let's try to write with our brain, not with what ever thought is first out of the mouth er fingers.

I fought am fighting a long battle of self-esteem issues, who isn't really? Mine, for me can be crippling. I touched on the "tapes" in my last post...well, I also have "feelings" that go along with those darn words. Abandonment, worthlessness, unlovable...just a few.
These were things that came out of the family I grew up in, so naturally when it's time to go and meet new people the demon "You're family didn't even like you and you think strangers will?"
Comes in and reeks havoc on all my good intentions!

You know when on shows, there is a hysterical person spazzy out about something and someone else comes along and slaps that person out of the spaz? That's what I need, and internal beat down!

I'll be completely honest here, going to the bible and reading verses about how precious I am to God and how he knew my in my mother's womb, really don't help me much in this "mood". All it does it make me feel worse for letting these demons use my heart as a playground and not only am I what they say, but I'm also weak and a bad christian for not "taking it to the cross."
I'm the rebellious child, I guess, God can say all the sweet nourishing words he wants, but when the mood is on the demons just laugh.

This fanny seriously needs to take a load off!
And the only thing that seems to help is those suggestive rap songs that we shook our booties too 'back in the day'.
"Baby got back" and "Rump Shaker". "Gonna make you sweat" and "Whoop there it is" and let's not leave out "Ice Ice Baby".
These are the kind of songs that from the second that beat drops your body can not help itself but follow it.
Now-a-days I can appreciate a guy singing about liking big butts, because funny story, after 2 kids and 20 years my butt is actually kinda big, so it can almost be a sort of anthem right?
"Rump shaker" well, you sort of need a good size rump to shake or there would be no song...
I am certainly "sweating" and "whoop" there is the anxiety.
So I'm gonna go "ice ice" this "baby" down and chill.
Tomorrow will be great, I know this. God has a plan and I just need to remind myself this "baby got back!" As in My heavenly Father's got covered. :0)

PEACE! (ha, sorry had to.)


  1. Oh, Sara, I'm so glad you came today!! I believe you and I are alot alike....more than in our names :-)

    Talk to you soon....I hope!

  2. Sara, I'm glad you came also! I was perched in the corner with you LOL! Let's stay connected : )

  3. Hi Sara,

    Loved being at in(RL)yesterday and just wished we'd all had more time to talk. So... I SAW you, but didn't get to talk to you, but what a great idea to hand out your darling, little blog cards. They are awesome... and that's why I'm here! :)

    I don't know how recurring your anxiety is (since I just got here - heh) and I will take time to look at your posts that are under that subject, but I just wanted to let you know that when I was 36 I, too, struggled with anxiety. It took quite a while to recover, and I only had one serious panic attack - well, serious to me, but not as scary as some I've read about - but now I only have residual symptoms. One example is that the top of my head tingles when I think about confronting someone about something. My brother calls it my "Spidey Sense". :) My alert to danger. Also, when I'm getting overloaded stress-wise, the side of my face begins to feel like it ought to be numb. Meaning, technically, I can feel it - the nerves are still working - but it just "feels" numb. That's when I know I need to back off, cool down and just let some things go.

    Anyway, if you'd ever like to talk about it... I don't know how much help I'd be, but although I've lived here before (we just moved back here from Florida where we've been the last 8 years)... I am definitely up for more real life get-togethers. I live in St. Paul and we have a great, little coffee shop just around the corner from us. So if you or you and your kids would like to come for a visit sometime (and hopefully it wouldn't cause the same type of anxiety you wrote about... but if it did, I'd at least understand!), I'm up for it! We homeschool so we're flexible. Just think about it and let me know via FB or my blog if you're up for that one of these days. :)

    ~ Nicole


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