Still Learning.

I have to admit that I'm still learning. I'm sure this doesn't come as a surprise to you, but it does surprise me. I am rounding the corner, 40 is looming in the distance, no not even distance. As it stands I wouldn't need binoculars to see 40, readers maybe.
So what am I learning?

• Well it doesn't matter how old you are, there are still some really really mean people out there. Nobody is immune. I wish I could just sit comfortably in the truth that God has our back, and is making a way for us. But man oh man are we dealing with some giant meanies right now. The closer the end gets, the meaner they become. (Not going into details)
• I still need my mom. If you've read this blog long, you know it hasn't been a rosy relationship. Friday I spent some time with my mom doing what she does; baking Christmas cookies. If you follow me on Insta*gram, you'll know it is my personal hell to bake,  especially cut-outs! My favorite cookies she makes; (she make hundreds of dozens, dozens of kinds. Think cookie exchange done by 1 person) my faves; oatmeal raisin. Now before you gag, listen hear, she grinds the raisins! SHE GRINDS THE RAISINS YO! That means you don't know you are eating raisins, because raisins in cookies are gross. No, all you taste is chewy, oatmeal sweetness. ((Shivers)) ooh yummy! The only thing better then these cookies, are these cookies straight out of the oven! I'm telling you...Heaven. Even if that means rolling 226 balls of dough. Even if that means dipping 226 balls of dough in sugar. Even if that means baking 226 balls of dough into 226 delectable cookies! Did I mention we made 226 cookies?? So how long does that take? All freaking day people! She had the dough made up before I got there bless her. 

She greeted me at the door with; "Ovens on, let's get to it!" & upon tying up my apron & seeing the bowl of dough she says; " you're not leaving till these are done!" Gulp.
You have never made cookies until you've made cookies with my Mom. She doesn't do "half-ass" (her words not mine) she makes baby cookies. Like teenie tiny baby cookies because "they have to last!"
What does she do with all those cookies?
She GIVES THEM AWAY!
And do NOT ask her for a plate, she hates beggars.
My Mom is a particular lady. She works HARD on her cookies and if she gets the feeling you don't care or enjoy her hard work you are off the list! The ONLY exception are her children. We can say pretty much anything..."I hate those kind! Why can't you make these instead! Those are gross..." And we always get cookies. Sometimes more of the yucky kind if we've been lippy. Sometimes she'll deviate from her list of must haves and make ones we've begged her to bring back. I do NOT like date cookies or icebox, crave the oatmeal raisin all year. One year I asked her not to put the mint ones on the same plate as the other cookies, she gave me a plate of ONLY mint. Yeah, she real funny like that, but she was dead serious. Message; don't tell me how to make my plates.
I smartly asked for a tool to measure the correct amount of dough to make her precise balls. She tisked me, "oh I just know the feel of them..."
I showed her my ball. Too big. Way to big. Well it felt the right size in MY palm. She handed me a melon baller, A MELON BALLER!
((Rolls eyes)) we are going to be here all.day!
So it begins. "Those are too small."
"Mah, they are the same size as yours! Let me use the baller!"
"Fine, you roll I'll bake."
We talk about my aunt who recently passed away, her sister. She was there with her when she passed. She was holding her hand, sitting next to her. She told me intimate details. And said "When I'm dying I want there to be music playing."
"Okay Mah, we'll put some Kanye on for ya."
"I don't want that shit!"
(I love razzing her, mostly because I don't want to deal with the emotions of talking about my mothers deathbed with my Mother.)
"While we're on the subject, Nina doesn't want you visiting her after you die. You'll freak her out so don't do it."
She only grins. I know she'll visit. She's already threatened to haunt us…visit.
We moved on to discussions of my Dad. I am fascinated on WHY they married, let alone stayed married for 19 years. She endured a lot. He is not an easy man to love or live with.
There are things a parent should never tell their child, they become the things an adult needs to hear for understanding and healing. (again no details, but just know that I am in a better place for it.)

• I will never understand my Dad. Never. Life is short, and there is not enough time in forever that could give me answers to this person's reasoning and actions.
• As much as I want to be "all-knowing" God has that patented, so I best learn to let.that.go.
• Gary Barlow is an amazing songwriter, singer, performer, celebrity. (Yes, I realize most of you have no idea who he is…He is British, and handsome and talented and he is my man crush in a BIG way. Google him, you won't be sorry. His solo album isn't available on US iTunes, but TRUST ME it speaks to the heart! 
• Being a mom doesn't get easier, it just gets more comfortable. Meaning the issues and trials aren't comfortable, but our capabilities in handling those issues and trials don't feel so scratchy and ill fitting…make sense?
• I dislike the patience virtue learning thing! I know you know what I'm talking about, "Lord, give me more patience." so you get more opportunities to choose to be patient…Y'all I fail at this all.the.time. Honestly, I could use a break.