Lately I've been feeling like I'm a speeding train. One that just barrels through time at warp speed and all I can do is watch as those freaky lights whiz past and make my eyes water. I have this panic inside me, like I'm forgetting something. You know, that feeling where you know you know your missing something, something so obvious, but yet you can't put your finger on it and the harder you try to concentrate on what your missing, the less you remember and other things start falling through the cracks and then you feel even worse; and all the while you're like "STOP THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Christmas is coming, I know this. I'm a pretty well organized person. I've got presents sitting in my "craft" room right now all wrapped in pretty paper tied up in pretty bows...and then well, it stops there. See I have two birthday's coming. The birthday's are the speeding train! I have to plan and organize a party for the family BEFORE have that family leaves for warmer weather for the next four months. Both my children have asked for birthday parties with friends. I was thinking of spreading them out, having Butter's early like next weekend and doing Roo's later in January. But ummm, no I can't even THINK about those right now. I'm stuck on the family party. I plan, I cook, I wait...and I can count on one hand who WILL show up. But I must invite them all, and what if by some strange twist of fate, after 7 years of not coming they decide THIS is the year to come; and I've already said "Forget it! I make food, nobody comes. I'm not doing it. I'll get cake, not a big cake...I'm not getting drinks either."
But they come and we don't have cake or drinks for them. Oh I could make some lemonade, we always have that, and frankly most wouldn't eat cake anyway, but the thought of not having refreshments...I could vomit right now from the strain.
Why do I even care, I know I shouldn't. I know I'm being ridiculous. But I'm on the train people, and it is speeding through time that I can't seem to get a grip on.
I'd also like to admit that I feel like the absolute worst wife and mother right now. I had NO idea both my children would be born with in days of Christmas. So I feel like because of that flaw, I need to do extra to make it special so their day doesn't get lost in the shuffle of life during the holidays. If you are thinking I should celebrate their 1/2 birthdays instead, trust me I've mentioned that and was shot down instantly by Rob and his mother. (She did it, her middle son has the same birthday as Butter and she managed to make his birthday special.)
It's pointless to compare myself, this too I know. But I live in my world where judgement is fast and serious in this crowd. I use to be okay with it, that was until "hidden" feelings came out and now I don't know which end is up and my instinct is to hide myself away from these folks and just BE a family with my hubby and kids and poop on everyone else who's trying to add their stink.
Once again, I feel like I'm missing the whole JOY of the season because I'm focused on whatdoIdo whatdoIdo whatdoIdo. I need a fairy Godmother, seriously, with a wand...She could sprinkle her fairy dusk on those that are annoying me. She could wave it around my house and it would be spotless clean, laundry done AND put away. She could be versed in massage so I could have one everyday when the panic rises.
I would like OFF this train. Whoever convinced me or us that life at top speed was better was certainly not on the train, but maybe the train operator, because without us, they wouldn't have a job and WE could slow down and listen...maybe hear the whispers of our Lord. But we're going too fast to even hear above the roar of the tracks.
I know without a doubt I was brought into THIS family for a reason. I was given THIS family for a reason. It is painful, it is hard and it is not comfortable. But He doesn't promise easy, he promises to be our strength, our shield, our shelter.
I was watching Joyce the other morning, she was doing one of her rants, which I love. I HEAR what she is saying. She was saying how many of us pray "God use me! Oh God use me! Use me, I want you to use me God! And then when he puts you in that job where you are the only Christen and you're uncomfortable you want him to get you out of there! We should be asking for him to BREAK US! Break our will to do his bidding, because we don't know his plans for us, we can't see how He's going to use us! We need to be broken to be obedient, when are flesh is broken then we can do what is asked of us."
I spent the better part of my day focusing on that. It's true I've asked to be used, it is also true I've asked for him to search me and bring out any unrighteousness, but I'm the one holding the guilt. He's forgiven me the FIRST time, I'm the one wallowing around feeling bad.
Which brings me full-circle to the train speeding ahead without my consent. Well, apparently I have given consent because I am ON IT. I am choosing to step off. Birthdays come, my children will know they are special regardless of the "extra". In-laws depart, enjoy your winter haven, you've earned it. Christmas, I plan to enjoy every once of you, because without you we would have nothing TO celebrate.