I'm Just...

I'm Just;

• waiting...
• Faithfully watching for rentals.
• Clinging to the promise of His provision.
• continuously praying for this family.
• Spent. Exhausted. Defeated.
• HOPEFUL.
• TRUSTING.
• JOYFUL, that there is: A time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to tear down and a time to build up,  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them up, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away. (Ecclesiastes 3:2b,3b,5a,6)

I've searched, I've gathered up, I've thrown away, I've been torn down.

The time has come to uproot, give up and scatter stones.

In order for the time to come for planting, keeping and building up.

Amen?

I apologize for not frequently posting on the blog; or Facebook for that matter.

I feel like I need focus, I am battling thoughts like no other time in my life and I am trying to stay in the moment and when that moment means hitting my knees and praying; I DO IT, because that is the only thing getting me through right now.

If I look up, all I see is bleak, impossible.

If I bow my head and continue to pray that light comes from within and the HOPE  circles around me; the impossible starts to feel possible, and this, drawing near to Him, that is all I can do for now.

I'm just DRAWING NEAR TO MY JESUS.

*sigh* 2011

My husband was home with us last week. It was a sweet blessing when he came home and told me he had taken that week off. I was preparing myself for a week full of arguing and bickering from the kids, saying I'm bored and can we do...
I was looking at my Christmas tree with loathing: Worst part ever of Christmas, taking down the tree.
I am such a freak about where the ornaments go and how they should be put away, how to take of the lights and wrap and store the tree that I could never ask anyone to do that job other then myself.
Hubby graciously offered to help on Sunday (while the game was on) Unfortunately, that didn't fly with me. It was nagging at me before then. I needed to do it when I felt like doing it.
Now that everything is put away and the kids are back at school and the Husband is back at work and the sounds of the washer and dryer fill the air while I type this, it is dawning on me that it is a new year.
What are my goals? What are my dreams for this year? How will this year be different from 2010? How will they be the same?
What have I learned this past year? What will I hold on to, and what will I let go of?

I think the letting go is huge. Raise your hand if your a control freak? Raise your hand if find yourself trying to be a control freak? (I say try because honestly we can't control a darn thing.)
I've taken a lot of things personally, but it sure felt like not as much last year.
I am learning to look at the other side; when someone says something to me; where is it coming from?
9 times out of 10 it isn't about ME, it's something else.
And yet my response was "Oh my gosh! Did they just ... I feel so hurt!"
These days if I can't make sense of it I talk about it with people I trust to give me the truth, I lay it down and leave it until I have some resolution and then I release it.
This last year has made me question a lot of things having to do with my family. This last year has given me some healing in a very old wound. This past year has brought new wounds. But the difference in my response to them is tremendous.
I no longer look to heal it, I look to treat it, to keep it clean, to keep out infection.
I've learned that wounds sometimes never heal and the only place where they won't hurt anymore is Heaven, so the best I can do is keep the infection away.

I am taking my body more serious. There are things I simply can not change about getting older. ( Now I know some of you are slightly older then me and are probably thinking "What is that 36 year old complaining about!")
I absolutely hate these things my Doctor calls "skin tags". He tell me I can "go ahead and remove them myself, and they are benign". Ahh, I nearly jump through the roof when he touches my nether parts and he thinks I can handle taking a razor to my own skin?!? Next time I may suggest he needs his meds changed because he might be going a little crazy ;)
I hate that my skin is sagging in places that are SO unattractive. What is with that truffle shuffle under your arm when you wave? Seriously, yuck.
I guess I can live with my butt looking like a really bad golfer shot a bucket of balls of the back nine and forgot to replace the divots! But it is gross to see flaps of skin, when pinched, stay put, like they have super glue on them and need to be literally massaged back into place.
I do have a neck, but think they need to invent Spanx for it.
So by taking my body more serious, I mean spending time at the gym, not comparing myself to 20 year-olds and wishing I had my 20-something body back, because I don't want the brain that went with it.
I am trying to become more aware of what I'm eating and WHY I'm eating it.
That is as close to a resolution as I get.
So here's to the start of 2011! *Sigh*
Here we go!

Hobby

Do other stay at home Mother's question there sanity? Question the very thing they are doing; staying at home?
I absolutely loved every moment when I had babies. I did mildly well when I was toting toddlers.
Now I have one in second grade and one in half day kindergarten and there are moments that I think Huh, maybe I should be working. Maybe I've lost my desire to BE a stay at home Mom, maybe I want adult interaction, a deadline...WORK that doesn't require Mr. Clean, Tide or driving!
Maybe I've spent my entire adult life catering to kids that I am burnt out. I worked at an Elementary school while I was still in High school, I nannied in the summers and after I graduated I became a full time live-in nanny. After I figured out that being a live-in meant I had no social life what so ever I came home and worked as a nanny that actually had a quitting time. Then I worked at a center, a very up scale center. There were pluses and minuses to that. A big minus being I was the whipping girl for the director that thought "Hey, I can make this girl cry, she'll do what ever I tell her..." I ended up going back to being a nanny for a family that just kept having kids, without pay increases for the increase in work.
It sounds like a lot of complaining, believe me, I know; it's in my head first...
My point I guess is; I want to FIND something, some way to define myself before being a stay at home mom no longer does. I can't be a stay at home mom once my youngest is in first grade, that will just make people think I'm lazy.
Oh, she doesn't work...
It's not that I want a career, or even a job; although making some money would be a plus.
I wanted to use my time to give something to someone that doesn't have...
A stay at home mom needs a break from her crying infant.
An elderly woman can't do her grocery shopping anymore, or clean her house.
A busy family needs help making a meal or cleaning their house because they work all day and there just isn't time to do it.
I don't have money to give. I don't have big aspirations for wealth, fame or accomplishments. What I do have is time and a caring heart.
I love my kids. But to love them, I need to stop being their "everything Mom" and be their "here when they need me Mom" I'm no longer wanting to be the 24/7 entertainer/disciplinarian/moderator/Waiter/cook/house keeper/taxi
I need a hobby...
Tonight was open house at the kiddos school. It was a mad house. Kids running around, LOUD. It was chaos and parents were standing in the periphery just lost at how best to make through this. I had questions for the teachers. Roo is busy. "Energetic" is what his teacher called him. My mom brain interpreted that as "spazzy" I gave birth to this child, I know he can get wound up and well, spazzy. I just don't want him being a spaz in school. I want him to focus, to learn, to listen to what his teacher is saying, not to be wiggling around trying to make other laugh, or making silly faces, voices,noises; a spaz. She assured me that most kids were energetic and that the year just started and it takes them awhile to get into a routine. I know all these things, it's just, well I'm a spaz when it comes to behavior. I want my kids to behave, listen, be respectful. And when they are not, I become MANNERS SPAZ!
"What do we do when we want something?"
"say please"
"AND????"
"Thank you."
"If you are not allowed to do that at home what makes you think you can do it here?"
Shrug shoulders.
{whining} "I'm bored..."
"I could dump your drawers..."
Rob and I are concerned about Butter's reading, she just doesn't act interested in it, or interested in learning to. I'll admit we can be hard on her. (On both of them) It's not that we expect them to be SUPERSTARS or something, we just want them to do their best. Sometimes it doesn't look to us like they are even trying...
Butter's teacher assured us she is doing well. She is quiet, well-mannered {HEART REJOICING!}and she takes direction well. Again I gave birth to this girl and trust me when I say she isn't so well-mannered with us. A lot of sass comes our way,and that's fine, we're her safe place to fall, her home. But we also need to know she's learning to be herself out there only better.

Today I did something completely for me, not for a project or for any reason other then something to DO. I didn't need to, it's not important but yet it is.
I need to create. When that isn't something my brain gets to do I find myself on a one way street to crazy town.
Today for the first time since probably eighth grade or something I painted. And not with a rolling pin or on walls.
About a month ago I saved up my Michael's coupons and bought a pack of paints, some brushes and a pad of canvas. I didn't know when I'd start or what I'd paint, I just knew I wanted to try. I love colors. I can not draw to save my life, but I can put colors on paper. So that's what I started today. My daughter loved my "mistake" and my husband said my other painting was "Good". I said "You don't have to say that it's good because you're afraid to hurt my feelings. I know painting isn't my thing, but it feels good, so I'm gonna keep doing it and if by some miracle I like something I painted that is a bonus."
He went on to tell me it isn't as easy as it looks, which no, I don't expect to be able to make Starry Night on my first time holding a brush, nor do I want to make Starry Night...I just want to make colors carry my feelings. It made me happy.

Happy people

So I've decided I'm not a happy person.
I say that because happy people don't see offense all around them.
I was waiting at the grocery store for Hubby to run in and buy some milk, while waiting I saw:

• more then a few people left there carts where ever they wanted, even if that meant walking 5 more steps to a cart corral.
• one person took up 2 spots because of laziness or lack of driving skills.
• 3 cars not giving pedestrians the right of way.
• One woman yanking her kid's arm.
• One person that brought their dog, only to leave it in the car so it could bark the entire time. (It was there when I got there and still there when I left 12 minutes later.)
• Several people drop their (cigarette) butts and leave them to continue smoking. GRRRRRRRRR

See Happy people would say things like:

• "Oh look those carts are so pretty littered all over the parking lot, I have a reason to park far out in the lot and get a nice walk in."
• "What a beautiful car, I can see why it doesn't have any dings, maybe I should take up to spots. I'd have less dents."
• "I love to wave at the people as I speed on by."
• "Nothing like a good old stretch ah Jr.?"
• "OH Sparky just loves shopping!"
• (Nope sorry I can't think of one thing happy people could say about litter)

I have an issue with entitlement. I have issues with people who lack common sense and courtesy. Is my plank sticking too far out there, because I would LOVE to crack some of these people WITH IT as I walk past them. Isn't that really what it's for??? They have a speck and I have a plank so the speck needs to be CORRECTed.

I LIKE IT! (just came up with that, don't steal it.)

Happy people are too busy being happy about the world and looking through their rose colored glasses. Actually I think all the smiling has slanted they're eyes and they can't SEE clearly. Which, having a plank in the eye doesn't help much either, but it does SHARPEN the sight in the other eye...

In which case I'm glad I'm not happy, I would hate to not recognize heaven when I get there because I didn't think there was anything wrong with the first place!

Thanks I'll just not be a happy person...

Speeding Train.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm a speeding train. One that just barrels through time at warp speed and all I can do is watch as those freaky lights whiz past and make my eyes water. I have this panic inside me, like I'm forgetting something. You know, that feeling where you know you know your missing something, something so obvious, but yet you can't put your finger on it and the harder you try to concentrate on what your missing, the less you remember and other things start falling through the cracks and then you feel even worse; and all the while you're like "STOP THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Christmas is coming, I know this. I'm a pretty well organized person. I've got presents sitting in my "craft" room right now all wrapped in pretty paper tied up in pretty bows...and then well, it stops there. See I have two birthday's coming. The birthday's are the speeding train! I have to plan and organize a party for the family BEFORE have that family leaves for warmer weather for the next four months. Both my children have asked for birthday parties with friends. I was thinking of spreading them out, having Butter's early like next weekend and doing Roo's later in January. But ummm, no I can't even THINK about those right now. I'm stuck on the family party. I plan, I cook, I wait...and I can count on one hand who WILL show up. But I must invite them all, and what if by some strange twist of fate, after 7 years of not coming they decide THIS is the year to come; and I've already said "Forget it! I make food, nobody comes. I'm not doing it. I'll get cake, not a big cake...I'm not getting drinks either."
But they come and we don't have cake or drinks for them. Oh I could make some lemonade, we always have that, and frankly most wouldn't eat cake anyway, but the thought of not having refreshments...I could vomit right now from the strain.
Why do I even care, I know I shouldn't. I know I'm being ridiculous. But I'm on the train people, and it is speeding through time that I can't seem to get a grip on.
I'd also like to admit that I feel like the absolute worst wife and mother right now. I had NO idea both my children would be born with in days of Christmas. So I feel like because of that flaw, I need to do extra to make it special so their day doesn't get lost in the shuffle of life during the holidays. If you are thinking I should celebrate their 1/2 birthdays instead, trust me I've mentioned that and was shot down instantly by Rob and his mother. (She did it, her middle son has the same birthday as Butter and she managed to make his birthday special.)
It's pointless to compare myself, this too I know. But I live in my world where judgement is fast and serious in this crowd. I use to be okay with it, that was until "hidden" feelings came out and now I don't know which end is up and my instinct is to hide myself away from these folks and just BE a family with my hubby and kids and poop on everyone else who's trying to add their stink.
Once again, I feel like I'm missing the whole JOY of the season because I'm focused on whatdoIdo whatdoIdo whatdoIdo. I need a fairy Godmother, seriously, with a wand...She could sprinkle her fairy dusk on those that are annoying me. She could wave it around my house and it would be spotless clean, laundry done AND put away. She could be versed in massage so I could have one everyday when the panic rises.
I would like OFF this train. Whoever convinced me or us that life at top speed was better was certainly not on the train, but maybe the train operator, because without us, they wouldn't have a job and WE could slow down and listen...maybe hear the whispers of our Lord. But we're going too fast to even hear above the roar of the tracks.
I know without a doubt I was brought into THIS family for a reason. I was given THIS family for a reason. It is painful, it is hard and it is not comfortable. But He doesn't promise easy, he promises to be our strength, our shield, our shelter.

I was watching Joyce the other morning, she was doing one of her rants, which I love. I HEAR what she is saying. She was saying how many of us pray "God use me! Oh God use me! Use me, I want you to use me God! And then when he puts you in that job where you are the only Christen and you're uncomfortable you want him to get you out of there! We should be asking for him to BREAK US! Break our will to do his bidding, because we don't know his plans for us, we can't see how He's going to use us! We need to be broken to be obedient, when are flesh is broken then we can do what is asked of us."
I spent the better part of my day focusing on that. It's true I've asked to be used, it is also true I've asked for him to search me and bring out any unrighteousness, but I'm the one holding the guilt. He's forgiven me the FIRST time, I'm the one wallowing around feeling bad.
Which brings me full-circle to the train speeding ahead without my consent. Well, apparently I have given consent because I am ON IT. I am choosing to step off. Birthdays come, my children will know they are special regardless of the "extra". In-laws depart, enjoy your winter haven, you've earned it. Christmas, I plan to enjoy every once of you, because without you we would have nothing TO celebrate.

What?! Four bullet lists?

I haven't been posting lately. Frankly, I haven't been doing much of anything lately unless you count what's on the bullet list;

• loosing my patience
• getting headaches in the afternoons on a daily basis. (Could this be my one cup coffee consumption??)
• dreading gatherings, other then our small group.
• Wishing it already were January.
• irritated at my husband for NOT doing something I think HE should do.
• irritated that certain prayers go unanswered.
• feeling an overall sense of discontent with our country, our finances and my life.

That last one sounds harsh, so I'll put it in perspective.

I DO have a "friend" visiting this week; And I want something GREAT to happen.

Like, oh I don't know, maybe we could win the lottery and write that $3 million dollar check to our church so they can build another campus and reach more people, that just may mean MY family because the campus they want to build is near them! OR Maybe I look at a cashier, and she's been having this real bad day, angry shoppers all wanting Zhu Zhu Pets and cursing her for not having any, and I'll say "Merry Christmas!" And hand her a Starbucks card "Have a cup of Cheer on me!" And she'll be so moved that I see an opening to invite her to church...

Instead, I just sit around thinking "What good can I do?" In the bible, there's a verse that talks about the body of Christ and how each of us makes up a piece of that body and we all are important.

I'm feeling like the bowel...

I think I might be stirring up indigestion, because I'm being fed "medicine":

• I keep having these nudges to call Mother. So last week, when I had to go to that neck of the woods, I called her to see if she'd like to meet Roo and I. She did, although I was terribly late. Which is NOT like me at all and could not be helped. I had coupons for a store, I got in the car, made sure I had extra clothes for Roo, get to the freeway and TRAFFIC! It was nearly 10AM. I shoot across and take the "back roads". It'll take me more time but not as much as if I'd stay on the freeway. Then it hits me; I forgot the coupons! There is NO reason to go, without them. If I turn back, I'll just be even more late. I can't call her, my cell phone minutes are gone and I keep forgetting to REboost, she doesn't HAVE a cell phone. The gas light comes on. I stare at it, thinking "GOOD GRIEF! Why didn't HE put gas in the car!" Quick think! where's a gas station. Finally, I find one, gas up get a paper for the coupons and we're on our way again. Since I come in from a different direction I park somewhere other then where I tell her and I'm dragging my son through the store to get to the door she is at! I was 30 minutes late, and she was not happy. I tried explaining... it took my son saying "That was a long ride!" for her to realize that it was completely out of my control.It ended up being a fairly pleasant encounter.
• I read four chapters in my Motherinlaw Dance book.
• I am really enjoying our small group, there are challenges and accountability from them. THIS is what true caring is about.

Like I said I'm being fed "medicine".

It can taste pretty awful, there are times I want to spit it out too.

What is most hard; feeling obligated to make a "merry show" for others, when I'd rather be merry towards those who have no merry, because MY merry would be merry enough instead of not enough merry.

bah humbug!

With THAT said here are a few HIGHLIGHTS that I'm looking forward too.

• the return of Norman. (our Elf; no he doe N not clean, I've already tried bribing.)
• Our visit with Santa.
• The Holidazzle parade (a parade where the floats and costumes are lit with lights.)
• Holiday lights in the park.
• The first snowfall.
• Christmas tea (something new I'm going to do with the kids)
• Hanging Ornaments on the tree.
• My Anniversary.
• Taking Butter to her first broadway show, Beauty and the Beast.
• Opening my stocking contents and the gifts from my children. I'm pretty sure Roo will choose something from the "as seen on TV" rack. He is partial to the brownie pan and shoes under. :)
• Each child's birthday. Though they are mighty close together, each day is VERY special to me and I try to express that.
• Celebrating the "old" year and the New Year.

So to end this post I'd like to give my "THANKFUL" list; because chances are I won't post again this week...

I am thankful...

• That I live in a state that has snow.
• That I live in a country where I have certain freedoms.
• for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, for years, it has been tradition.
• for the overall health and happiness of my family.
• I have new mercies EVERYDAY. I sure need it.
• for cool nights, heated blankets and a loving husband to share them with.
• for popcorn and family movie night.
• for my dog that makes me smile with joy that I found the best toy ever, that she carries it around and has to bring it to bed with her.
• for a cat that doesn't bite or scratch the children when they love on her.
• a church home that brings me closer to God.
• a small group that we fit right into.
• Blog friends that share their lives and wisdom with me.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!