Monday, August 9, 2010

Gettin' scared.

I have not been sleeping well, the trip is coming and the fears are creeping in.
I'm not afraid to fly, or anything like that. My fear lies in the what if something happens to us.
I mean a lot could happen.
For instance I could forget to put on sunscreen and get burned like a lobster and then not be able to enjoy touching the whole trip.
OR My gut could act up and the amount of pepto I brought clearly wasn't enough and yet I went to the limits of the travel restrictions/allowances.
OR Our flight could get delayed and we could have to sit in the plane for hours in this heat.
So I know that "stuff" can and usually does happen.
It's the "What will happen to my kids and animals if something bad were to happen to us?" that keeps me up at night. I know that the they will be taken care of. But I worry about them. The immediate and long term effects it would have on them.
I have always been there for them. I've promised to be there for them. (Haven't we all as parents made that promise?)
I know that whatever will be...will be. God has a plan.
My daughter is a tough cookie. She has never known heartache. All her needs have been met before she has even realized she had a need. Life lesson's have been short and sweet thus far. And yet she knows everything in her 7 1/2 years here. I mean everything... {she says rolling her eyes}
Butter's common phrase: "AH, COME ON!"
"Ah come on! I wanted cereal not pancakes for breakfast."
"Butter, it's gonna be hot again, you might want to wear a tank top and shorts instead of that."
"Ah COME ON! I just put this on, I don't want to have to change." (She's already down the stairs halfway to her room before she even finishes the sentence but our house is small I still hear her)
"Have you emptied the dishwasher yet?"
"Ah COME ON! Haven't you looked! I DID it already! Sheesh!"

She's got a "come back" for e.v.e.r.ything. How would this tough cookie "come back" back from loosing the reason she can be so tough? We're THERE. WE're her soft place to land.

If you don't have a dog or animal you can skip this part.
I worry about my dog. She is my fur baby, and not many people, my husband included understand her or could love such an obnoxious thing. She really is obnoxious. She's barky, she'll nip, she begs under the table. She sleeps on our bed, on hubby's pillow...
She turned 5 this summer and just adding up the years I have left makes me tear up. Roo asks all the time: "Mom, you gonna get a new fur baby when Piper dies?"
Rob pipes in: "She's got like 15 more years Roo!"
Roo looks at me, I smile and say "Maybe." And then I choke back the thought of not having Pipe.
Then there is CAT. She has been with me now for 11 years. Oh, she makes me happy. (and , truth be told, M.A.D.) I've moved her 4 times. Each time she's handled it like a champ. I've brought two babies home. Two other cats and four dogs in the time I've had her. Through it all she's stayed loyal and loving.
I can forgive bunnies, mice on the other hand! Point is there is a fierce love I have for these 2 animals and it breaks my heart to think about them not knowing what happened to their Mama.

Pet part over.
You can probably gather I don't travel much. First of all I can't pack right! I think of every situation I MAY have and pack for it. I have been known to pack MY OWN towels, sheets and toilet paper! If it didn't cost me an extra $50 to check my ginormous suitcase I would do it! I don't can't camp. There is no electricity, running water...bugs everywhere and OFF is not a good scent for me.
I try to think that it's a modern world and that if I did happen to forget OR need something there are Targets/Walgreen's/drug stores out there. But I like being prepared. Thoroughly prepared.
Like when I show up in heaven I'll have my list and God will have his and we'll compare notes! And then I'll run done all the questions I had for him on earth. 
I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of what will be left UNdone. What will be left BEHIND while I'm up there dancing on my pearly floors and signing like I'm the next "Angel Idol".  Do we get to watch over and protect our loved ones we leave behind? Are we able to "be there" for them?
That is one of the reason's I do this blog. So my kids have the chance to know me. That is why I painstakingly started journaling the things I wanted my kids to know. Advice, encouragements, wisdom to pass.
I haven't had a lot of loss in my life. Wait, How do I put this better; I haven't felt deep enough love, until now to know what loss would be. Death. My parents are still alive. We aren't close and I've already "lost" my dad and sister. They chose not to be found and I don't go looking...

I have never been able to sit back and RELAX. My mind mostly unpleasant things.
WHAT GENE IS THAT? Because I'd surely like to have that one modified!
Anyway, Just wanted you to know I'm scared, prayers are welcome and APPRECIATED!

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