Thursday, September 23, 2010


Do other stay at home Mother's question there sanity? Question the very thing they are doing; staying at home?
I absolutely loved every moment when I had babies. I did mildly well when I was toting toddlers.
Now I have one in second grade and one in half day kindergarten and there are moments that I think Huh, maybe I should be working. Maybe I've lost my desire to BE a stay at home Mom, maybe I want adult interaction, a deadline...WORK that doesn't require Mr. Clean, Tide or driving!
Maybe I've spent my entire adult life catering to kids that I am burnt out. I worked at an Elementary school while I was still in High school, I nannied in the summers and after I graduated I became a full time live-in nanny. After I figured out that being a live-in meant I had no social life what so ever I came home and worked as a nanny that actually had a quitting time. Then I worked at a center, a very up scale center. There were pluses and minuses to that. A big minus being I was the whipping girl for the director that thought "Hey, I can make this girl cry, she'll do what ever I tell her..." I ended up going back to being a nanny for a family that just kept having kids, without pay increases for the increase in work.
It sounds like a lot of complaining, believe me, I know; it's in my head first...
My point I guess is; I want to FIND something, some way to define myself before being a stay at home mom no longer does. I can't be a stay at home mom once my youngest is in first grade, that will just make people think I'm lazy.
Oh, she doesn't work...
It's not that I want a career, or even a job; although making some money would be a plus.
I wanted to use my time to give something to someone that doesn't have...
A stay at home mom needs a break from her crying infant.
An elderly woman can't do her grocery shopping anymore, or clean her house.
A busy family needs help making a meal or cleaning their house because they work all day and there just isn't time to do it.
I don't have money to give. I don't have big aspirations for wealth, fame or accomplishments. What I do have is time and a caring heart.
I love my kids. But to love them, I need to stop being their "everything Mom" and be their "here when they need me Mom" I'm no longer wanting to be the 24/7 entertainer/disciplinarian/moderator/Waiter/cook/house keeper/taxi
I need a hobby...
Tonight was open house at the kiddos school. It was a mad house. Kids running around, LOUD. It was chaos and parents were standing in the periphery just lost at how best to make through this. I had questions for the teachers. Roo is busy. "Energetic" is what his teacher called him. My mom brain interpreted that as "spazzy" I gave birth to this child, I know he can get wound up and well, spazzy. I just don't want him being a spaz in school. I want him to focus, to learn, to listen to what his teacher is saying, not to be wiggling around trying to make other laugh, or making silly faces, voices,noises; a spaz. She assured me that most kids were energetic and that the year just started and it takes them awhile to get into a routine. I know all these things, it's just, well I'm a spaz when it comes to behavior. I want my kids to behave, listen, be respectful. And when they are not, I become MANNERS SPAZ!
"What do we do when we want something?"
"say please"
"Thank you."
"If you are not allowed to do that at home what makes you think you can do it here?"
Shrug shoulders.
{whining} "I'm bored..."
"I could dump your drawers..."
Rob and I are concerned about Butter's reading, she just doesn't act interested in it, or interested in learning to. I'll admit we can be hard on her. (On both of them) It's not that we expect them to be SUPERSTARS or something, we just want them to do their best. Sometimes it doesn't look to us like they are even trying...
Butter's teacher assured us she is doing well. She is quiet, well-mannered {HEART REJOICING!}and she takes direction well. Again I gave birth to this girl and trust me when I say she isn't so well-mannered with us. A lot of sass comes our way,and that's fine, we're her safe place to fall, her home. But we also need to know she's learning to be herself out there only better.

Today I did something completely for me, not for a project or for any reason other then something to DO. I didn't need to, it's not important but yet it is.
I need to create. When that isn't something my brain gets to do I find myself on a one way street to crazy town.
Today for the first time since probably eighth grade or something I painted. And not with a rolling pin or on walls.
About a month ago I saved up my Michael's coupons and bought a pack of paints, some brushes and a pad of canvas. I didn't know when I'd start or what I'd paint, I just knew I wanted to try. I love colors. I can not draw to save my life, but I can put colors on paper. So that's what I started today. My daughter loved my "mistake" and my husband said my other painting was "Good". I said "You don't have to say that it's good because you're afraid to hurt my feelings. I know painting isn't my thing, but it feels good, so I'm gonna keep doing it and if by some miracle I like something I painted that is a bonus."
He went on to tell me it isn't as easy as it looks, which no, I don't expect to be able to make Starry Night on my first time holding a brush, nor do I want to make Starry Night...I just want to make colors carry my feelings. It made me happy.

1 comment:

  1. Sara, I'm so glad I cam back for more sass!

    I think you have such a caring heart. As I read a few of the things you'd like to do, that was very obvious.

    First of all, I hope that even if you don't have a 'real job', you claim your identity in Christ. How awesome that you are a child of the Most High God. I am too. Yay God!

    Sometimes there are all kinds of things to take on as a hobby. May I offer you a suggestion?

    Write down a wild idea list; no holds barred. Don't think too much; just write. Pray about this and ask the Lord to reveal to you over time where He desires to have you spend your time. If you keep your spiritual eyes open, He will show you.

    I have several friends who are always looking to fill up their time. But unless it's where the Lord calls you, the result is never as good and fulfilling as the work God chooses for you.

    I hope I wasn't overstepping my bounds here. Feel free to discard my advice. I just happen to love a few of the things you mentioned. Most people are too busy to take the time to deal with older people and here you are willing to take them grocery shopping. That's wonderful.

    blessings and love,


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