Nine Years.

 Nine years ago I stood in front of you waiting for you to open your eyes and see me as your bride for the first time. In your excitement, you pulled out my veil. It's become a symbol for us: When we start to think we've got this life figured out...poof the veil comes out and our hearts are pierced...

I have learned so much about love and forgiveness from our marriage. I came into it with baggage, with the need to control, stubborn, opinionated. And slowly over time your love and God's grace chipped away at all that.

Love IS patient

Love IS kind

Love does not keep records of wrongs...

 Thank you for loving me for these last nine years, the way only YOU could do.

Thank you for letting me learn how to love YOU in return.

It is my greatest blessing, our love, our friendship, our family, US.

And may we continue to find the fun, the laughter the JOY in life together.

I love you,

Your bride

Sara.

Do You See What I See?

On December 15, 2001 A new chapter in my story began. It began with make-believe and fairy tales. You see it was my wedding day. I had the ball, the gown, the handsome prince, I even had the mean mother and wicked sister in-law. All I needed was some woodland creatures and some dwarfs. Even the weather was magical. Sunny and warm 45. This in the middle of December, in Minnesota. Here are the make-believe parts:

This is Howie. My bio-dad. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle. I wanted that moment in time where I could pretend that he was good to me, that he deserved this honor. He did not deserve it, but I wanted make-believe.

Mother just made it to the wedding she was sick with the flu. She got a shot of penicillin that morning, so she could be there. I felt it was God's plan whether she was there or not. Mother's parents were not at her first wedding. They did not approve of her choice. Mother had ideas of her own for our wedding.I can't think of one person who liked our idea of getting married in December. "What if there's a blizzard?" Typically, December is mild, and more predictable then the summer months. Where it can be blazing hot or rain with tornados. I'll take my chances with a little snow...plus I love how the church was decorated and it saved money. Anytime I disagreed with Mother, she would let me know just what a bridezilla I was being. Shouldn't every bride decide who walks her down the aisle? Shouldn't it be the bride and groom's decision the date of their wedding? Isn't it the brides choice of where to shop for a dress and which dress to wear? If you answered no to any of these, well then I'm a bridezilla. Mother wasn't paying...just because one does offer to pay, it does NOT give them full control over the choice. My maid of honor decided to go "crazy" a week before the wedding. I relieved her of her duties and asked my friend Jody to step up from bridesmaid to Maid of honor. This completely upset my family because they thought that Sherri, my sister should have been the natural choice. Um, NO. I let her in the wedding party just to keep the peace, I had no choice.

My sister in-law came up to me, the day of the wedding and warned me "If you hurt him..." this coming from a girl who dated Rob, went to dinner at his house and decided she like his brother better and married him. Are you kidding me? She had some nerve. Then to make it worse she hovered. In my space. You know the space where it's just the bride and her "staff." I was a basket case. (most brides worry over the details...I was freaking OUT thinking who is going to ruin this day?)

If you were to go through my scrapbook, chances are you wouldn't "see" what I do. Tt's taken me 7 years to enjoy them. I now, can look at them and know which moments are real and which ones are make-believe. Here are some real moments...the ones I'll be celebrating!

This is one of Rob's highlights. All of his "men" bought Elvis wigs and surprised him at the reception. If I had known about it, I would have planned it better. These wigs went around the dance floor...very funny. I told you he loves Elvis.

This picture right here is one of MY real moments. Because the second I took his hand...I let go of my past and became his wife. I will never forget that feeling of release for me.

Saying our vows. This is real. That look on my face is one of supreme fulfillment.This is us, really us. No worries, no cares, no stress...do you see he pulled my veil out? Now what bride wouldn't flip over this, after having spent hours getting ready??? Not this one. Because I knew that if this were the only oops of the day, it would be wonderful for me. We still had the whole day ahead at this point. But for those precious minutes that he and I had together alone preparing for the day...Rob was my calm, my shelter. Just as he is to this very day. I want to share with you a very precious part of our day. We wrote poems for each other. They were set up on the cake table, and nobody really knew what they were. Just us. And I couldn't wait to read what my beloved had wrote for me.

Destination

As a train steams

along the tracks

to it's final station

Fate of two hearts

held in God's hands

nurtures a Love that lasts,

in a blessed union

Our Love, no coincidence,

A destination of God's plan.

We celebrate 7 years today, I am hoping for a renewal ceremony in Hawaii in 3 years. I would like to be on a beach, barefoot. No fanfare. No circus. Just us, maybe the kiddos, of course his parents. I can't really remember what life was before Rob. He is my very best friend. He is my shelter. He is my husband. And I love him so.

The Meeting

I was ready to let go of the past. Ready to take charge of MY life, stop trying to please the un-please-able. I arranged to meet a friend at a bar/restaurant. She had papers for me to legally change my name.

That morning I had had a huge fight with Mother. I know I hurt her deeply with my words. All I can say is that pain builds and builds without somewhere to put it...Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. I was seeking validation. I did not get any.

So I was very upset for our meeting. We were sitting at the bar, Connie knew the owners and we always sat there. People began going between us to order drinks. The place suddenly was full of people. I decided that the next person to come between us would get IT! I was going to act like I was handing them their drink and "accidentally" spill it on them.

As I reached for the glass, this voice or feeling said very clearly to me "DO NOT DO IT!" Nothing like that has ever happened to me. So naturally I worked up the nerve to try it again. "Sara! DO NOT DO IT!" That's when a hand reached out and grabbed the drink from my hand.

My hand was still on the glass, I turned around a peace just went through me. There was this guy with kind brown eyes. He smiled and said thanks. Connie started talking to him. I snapped out of my peaceful moment and remembered I was ticked off. He sat down next to me and kept talking. Hell-O so not interested.

Awhile later he asked for my number. I said NO. He wouldn't let up, so I told him where I'd be later. A little test to see how interested he was.

We were going to meet some more friends and see a local band at a different bar, across town. Nothing like making a guy work for it. Right ladies? See, I'm learning.

He said he'd see me there.

Yeah right buddy!

We went, I had a great time and forgot all my troubles. Around 12:30AM Connie asked if I thought that guy would show up. I told her I didn't care and was going to go to the bathroom, then I'd be ready to go. The place was packed!

When I came out, standing in the middle of the room with NO one else around there he was. He was even standing under a light so I could clearly see him. He saw me and I think my mouth was on the floor. It was like "choir of angels sing" moment.

"Hi Sara." He said "I'm Rob."

We spent the next hour and a half talking outside because the bar was closing. We exchanged numbers. I called him when I got home because I couldn't stop talking to the guy! He talked so naturally. He was kind- hearted. He came from a close knit family. At the center of that family was G'ma Ruth. A God fearing, generous, loving woman.

We talked everyday for hours and had our first date the following Tues. Three weeks later we were engaged. My feelings were so different. I kept thinking "What's WRONG with this guy?" He was just RIGHT. It totally threw me off. I did NOT trust it.

I later found out two things:

First: Connie gave him a card, while talking to him about brewing beer. It had MY number on it.

Second: He went to see his parents the next day and told them he found the girl he was going to marry. (Rob hadn't seriously dated anyone for 7 years until me.) He can even tell you exactly what I was wearing. I remember the song the band was playing Bruce Springsteen's 'She's The One."

We wed December 15, 2001

I took those vows knowing God was blessing this marriage. He brought me a name change like no other. That's how this all began, with me wanting a name change. But it was more than a name, it was the biggest step toward forever.

It started with the book series Left Behind. I thought I was a Christian. I was not. We had been attending this church. Eagle Brook. It was very different from the Lutheran churches we were used to going to. It was RELEVANT. I remember the Pastor asking if you haven't prayed this prayer about being a sinner and wanting Jesus to come into your heart. I did. When I looked at Rob and he said "I prayed that prayer did you?" He too was challenged to take the step and have assurance. His faithfulness came full circle. Mine opened to possibilities.

My first pregnancy was to be a test of my fledgling faith. Each time I went in for an appointment I was giving more bad news. But it wasn't hard fact, time would tell. I was put on bed rest at 32 weeks. I had weekly appointments with 2 different Doctors. Weekly sonograms. On Christmas Eve I developed Bells Palsy. (Where half your face looks like you had a stroke. And nobody can predict how long the side effects will last.) At 39 weeks I had a c-section because Nina was breech, I was contracting and losing fluid. Our daughter was born December 27, 2002

She was born prefect and healthy. We weren't sure she would be. My Bells Palsy cleared after two weeks.

The strain of that ordeal made me feel blessed. But also done. I didn't want more children. I couldn't go through that again. I became pregnant again, I couldn't tell you how! Seriously. I was filled with fear and with that came anger. After six months, I gave it up to God. This was on him. He obviously had a plan here. As the hurdles came and went with ease I began to soften.

Our son was born January 1, 2005

This is my favorite picture. But the honeymoon ended that night. I had horrible post-partum depression. Ugly thoughts. The nurses were vampires, I'd look into the bassinet and see a bloody corpse. I'd visualize myself throwing my baby out the window. Nina wouldn't sit on my lap and this baby was the reason she didn't like me. I was put on medication. I took myself off it 3 weeks later. ( I was later told that can be a side effect of the anesthesia) Nicholas cried all the TIME. My mother would tell me to "let him cry it out." My heart couldn't take this. I was his mother and nothing I did soothed this baby. Our pediatrician suggested a special blanket and using the swing. It's called the 'Miracle Blanket.' It swaddles babies up tight.

Really tight, so they can feel like they did in the womb. They can't flail out of it. I'd wrap him in this blanket, place him in the swing going full speed. He would sleep. For hours! For 7 months this is how he slept. I finally, finally felt love toward this child. It was at this time I hit my knees and thanked God for NOT listening to me and knowing what would make us a family. Complete to His plan. Not comfortable for mine.

Our faith deepened. God spoke to us again. We were baptized together the summer of 2006

I share this with you because today is the day I celebrate my new life beginning.

October 7, 2001

The day I met my husband.

The day God spoke my name and I obeyed.

 

Remembering...

It is like yesterday. And yet it seems so long ago. Just an image brings back those feelings.

Please Never forget. I know I won't.

Celebrate!

Today is my in-laws 43 anniversary.
We are going out to dinner with them at the Lake Elmo Inn tonight. I am excited for two reasons. Firstly, we are celebrating an inspiring couple who have devoted their lives to each other and their family. Second, We are going with out the kids to a really nice place we haven't eaten at in so long!!!

Tonya and Gary are the two most generous and caring people I know. They have accepted me into their family and treat me just like one of their own children. Tonya is the one that got me into stamping, sewing and has given me a great example of how to raise boys.

(I am telling her constantly "I don't know how you did it and with three boys, I'd go nuts!")She is so patient and faithful. Gary is such a gentle and clever man. He is affectionate and always has wonderful insight. Did I mention he is very handy? He is always there to save us when something in the car or house breaks.

They are very considerate babysitters, giving me lots of breaks and making memories with the kids every time they are with them. I love that They are such loving and present grandparents to our children.

So today we celebrate true love and 43 years of wedded bliss for Tonya and Gary!

Cheers!