I was ready to let go of the past. Ready to take charge of MY life, stop trying to please the un-please-able. I arranged to meet a friend at a bar/restaurant. She had papers for me to legally change my name.
That morning I had had a huge fight with Mother. I know I hurt her deeply with my words. All I can say is that pain builds and builds without somewhere to put it...Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. I was seeking validation. I did not get any.
So I was very upset for our meeting. We were sitting at the bar, Connie knew the owners and we always sat there. People began going between us to order drinks. The place suddenly was full of people. I decided that the next person to come between us would get IT! I was going to act like I was handing them their drink and "accidentally" spill it on them.
As I reached for the glass, this voice or feeling said very clearly to me "DO NOT DO IT!" Nothing like that has ever happened to me. So naturally I worked up the nerve to try it again. "Sara! DO NOT DO IT!" That's when a hand reached out and grabbed the drink from my hand.
My hand was still on the glass, I turned around a peace just went through me. There was this guy with kind brown eyes. He smiled and said thanks. Connie started talking to him. I snapped out of my peaceful moment and remembered I was ticked off. He sat down next to me and kept talking. Hell-O so not interested.
Awhile later he asked for my number. I said NO. He wouldn't let up, so I told him where I'd be later. A little test to see how interested he was.
We were going to meet some more friends and see a local band at a different bar, across town. Nothing like making a guy work for it. Right ladies? See, I'm learning.
He said he'd see me there.
Yeah right buddy!
We went, I had a great time and forgot all my troubles. Around 12:30AM Connie asked if I thought that guy would show up. I told her I didn't care and was going to go to the bathroom, then I'd be ready to go. The place was packed!
When I came out, standing in the middle of the room with NO one else around there he was. He was even standing under a light so I could clearly see him. He saw me and I think my mouth was on the floor. It was like "choir of angels sing" moment.
"Hi Sara." He said "I'm Rob."
We spent the next hour and a half talking outside because the bar was closing. We exchanged numbers. I called him when I got home because I couldn't stop talking to the guy! He talked so naturally. He was kind- hearted. He came from a close knit family. At the center of that family was G'ma Ruth. A God fearing, generous, loving woman.
We talked everyday for hours and had our first date the following Tues. Three weeks later we were engaged. My feelings were so different. I kept thinking "What's WRONG with this guy?" He was just RIGHT. It totally threw me off. I did NOT trust it.
I later found out two things:
First: Connie gave him a card, while talking to him about brewing beer. It had MY number on it.
Second: He went to see his parents the next day and told them he found the girl he was going to marry. (Rob hadn't seriously dated anyone for 7 years until me.) He can even tell you exactly what I was wearing. I remember the song the band was playing Bruce Springsteen's 'She's The One."
We wed December 15, 2001
I took those vows knowing God was blessing this marriage. He brought me a name change like no other. That's how this all began, with me wanting a name change. But it was more than a name, it was the biggest step toward forever.
It started with the book series Left Behind. I thought I was a Christian. I was not. We had been attending this church. Eagle Brook. It was very different from the Lutheran churches we were used to going to. It was RELEVANT. I remember the Pastor asking if you haven't prayed this prayer about being a sinner and wanting Jesus to come into your heart. I did. When I looked at Rob and he said "I prayed that prayer did you?" He too was challenged to take the step and have assurance. His faithfulness came full circle. Mine opened to possibilities.
My first pregnancy was to be a test of my fledgling faith. Each time I went in for an appointment I was giving more bad news. But it wasn't hard fact, time would tell. I was put on bed rest at 32 weeks. I had weekly appointments with 2 different Doctors. Weekly sonograms. On Christmas Eve I developed Bells Palsy. (Where half your face looks like you had a stroke. And nobody can predict how long the side effects will last.) At 39 weeks I had a c-section because Nina was breech, I was contracting and losing fluid. Our daughter was born December 27, 2002
She was born prefect and healthy. We weren't sure she would be. My Bells Palsy cleared after two weeks.
The strain of that ordeal made me feel blessed. But also done. I didn't want more children. I couldn't go through that again. I became pregnant again, I couldn't tell you how! Seriously. I was filled with fear and with that came anger. After six months, I gave it up to God. This was on him. He obviously had a plan here. As the hurdles came and went with ease I began to soften.
Our son was born January 1, 2005
This is my favorite picture. But the honeymoon ended that night. I had horrible post-partum depression. Ugly thoughts. The nurses were vampires, I'd look into the bassinet and see a bloody corpse. I'd visualize myself throwing my baby out the window. Nina wouldn't sit on my lap and this baby was the reason she didn't like me. I was put on medication. I took myself off it 3 weeks later. ( I was later told that can be a side effect of the anesthesia) Nicholas cried all the TIME. My mother would tell me to "let him cry it out." My heart couldn't take this. I was his mother and nothing I did soothed this baby. Our pediatrician suggested a special blanket and using the swing. It's called the 'Miracle Blanket.' It swaddles babies up tight.
Really tight, so they can feel like they did in the womb. They can't flail out of it. I'd wrap him in this blanket, place him in the swing going full speed. He would sleep. For hours! For 7 months this is how he slept. I finally, finally felt love toward this child. It was at this time I hit my knees and thanked God for NOT listening to me and knowing what would make us a family. Complete to His plan. Not comfortable for mine.
Our faith deepened. God spoke to us again. We were baptized together the summer of 2006
I share this with you because today is the day I celebrate my new life beginning.
October 7, 2001
The day I met my husband.
The day God spoke my name and I obeyed.