Opinions

Sometimes I am amazed over the need for people to share their opinions.
It is why I blog. It's a place for me to express my opinions.
That and I love to write.
You as the reader get to decide if it's worth your time to stop and read what the writer wrote.
And whether or not you are going to comment.
Last night I was given a good dose of opinions on facebook.
It started our with my vague status post:

I'm going to do it.

which was soon followed by a snarky comment by my brother in law:

"What get a job?"

I responded with:
being a chef, teacher, therapist, chauffeur, maid and nanny just isn't enough right?

He proceeded to tell me that being a mother doesn't pay the bills and when the "money tree dries up" I need to "bring something to the table" because his "Wife has the same job (as a mother) and works full time."
My reply to him was asking why he was dogging on me and if he had a problem with stay at home moms to go ahead and air it out.

A sweet friend of mine commented with encouragement for what ever I was going to do.
"go hardand with God" she said.

My next commenter though; came as a surprise. Firstly she is a friend of my husbands, thus I acquired her as a "friend". Secondly, her content.
She felt the need to express herself that she "is not less of a mother because I work. I help my husband support the family as a whole. Couples need to work together when times are tough. It  is not a one person job in today's economy."

What started out as a kind reply to a snarky comment became a full blow, what felt like to me, attack on my family's personal choices.
As I've said many times on this blog; From the beginning Rob and I always said we would be a one income family once we had children, and I being the skilled one in child care having been a nanny for 15+ years, would be the one to stay home.

I have also said We are so lucky to be able to do that.

I have also said that some women choose to work, because they feel that is where their skills are.
And sadly, for some women it is not a choice, but rather a fact of life.

When Rob and I first made our decision, he was working full time and getting yearly bonus'. As the economic climate changed so did the income. We adjusted. With every change, we adjusted.
Rob and I are great communicators. We respect each other and work well together at compromising.
We love each other deeply and rely on each other.
It became clear to me early on what would need to be done. (Let go of the house) But my husband wasn't ready. God revealed himself and we changed course. Then our world was rocked by the loss of Rob's job. God was asking us to trust him. Not halfway, not a little bit while we continued to charge on, but to trust him fully.
There is no where else to go when God takes away the one thing you cling to for control over your situation. Money.
Once we completely surrendered God lit a path for us. And it has been full of blessing.
These last few months, Our kids are in a better school district and thriving!  
We are renting so our bills have actually decreased in amount and size. We have actually been able to payoff a tremendous amount of debt. We have built a stronger foundation for our ourselves by leaning into God and holding tight to each other.

I feel like I am looked at as a lazy person for being "just" a stay at home mom. I feel like people think just because I'm not working outside the home that I don't provide for my family, and I certainly feel the judgement when somebody tells me: "I or my wife does all that and works."

Look, I'm not going to debate who works harder...
We all have to make sacifices for our beliefs and values.

Our values are that kids need a parent full time throughout their young lives, that is why I spent 15 years being a nanny and working in child care, because God gave me a heart for caring for kids.
God also brought a man into my life that was a perfect provider, whose heart was open to being a one income family and who valued one parent being the primary care giver.

I don't know when or how God is going to bring steady income back into our lives but I do know that he will, and it will be all that we need.

I  know that things are on my heart to try and just because there is not a check in the mail from them, doesn't mean they are any less worthy of trying out.
I am so honored to have a man that will stand up for me, for our family and for our choices. Even when the "world" is telling us different.
And even though Facebook encourages us to accept friends, sometimes the people that can't, don't or won't support you need to be released from the temptation to give their opinions. LOL!

A decade later.

I have posted the story of how we met before here:

These last ten years have changed my life in so many ways.

I learned to trust.

I learned to let go.

I learned to hang on.

I learned to accept love, both divine and earthly.

I learned to wait.

I learned to be.

This picture is the first of us together. It was taken on our trip to San Francisco.

I remember this trip vividly, firstly because no man has ever said to me:

"I want to take you to a place that means a lot to me."

And then moments later booked the trip and paid for it.

I was used to having to provide for myself. If I wanted something; a new bike, a car, an apartment, some new shoes, I had to save up for it and buy it myself. A vacation or trip was out of the question. There just wasn't that kind of money in my wallet.

I felt cheap. I felt unworthy of such an extravagant trip.

Rob was such a gentlemen and so generous. I felt spoiled, for the first time in my life.
It was very difficult, almost like not being able to take compliments.
I didn't know how to except generosity.

The other reason I remember this trip, is for what we didn't do. Usually when a couple goes "away" together it means the relationship is moving to a physical level.

From the moment I met Rob, I felt very protective of that part of me. I had used sex as away to feel wanted, important, loved. When it was over I felt even more empty. With Rob there was something different. He never tried to woo me. He never tried to kiss me or gave me any kind of sign that he was attracted to me. I thought there was something wrong with me at one point! He was content just talking, getting to know me or  just holding my hand.

I was afraid that if I went with him, the bubble would pop. I wouldn't be who he thought I was, who I wanted to be for him.

That trip had nothing to do with sex. Nothing.

It was him showing me a part of himself and me coming out of myself and a trust building between us.

I moved into Rob's place just three weeks after we had met. It was just after we had gotten engaged.

Most girls have a pretty tale to tell about their proposal. Mine was plain. Simple.

We had been together everyday for nearly three weeks. I kept thinking: What is wrong with this guy? Everything feels so right, so there has to be something wrong!

Rob is easy. He is easy to talk to, easy to be around, easy to get along with.

I am not easy to get along with, I am stubborn and I can be selfish, I share my opinion.

I decided to test him.

I have had two long-term boyfriends and neither of them wanted to go near a jewelry store.

So while we were out bumming around one Saturday I said "Let's go in here."

Easy Rob said "Sure." and held my hand tighter.

Hmmm, there was no sweat out breaks, no hyperventilating.

In fact he led me to the engagement rings. I didn't want to be obvious, I also didn't want my arm yanked off from panic.

I browsed, never really having an opinion. (I know, I KNOW, but I wasn't going to go gaga over something that wasn't even in the cards.)

He chose one, I said it was nice. I saw another one and said "What about that one?"

He nodded and asked to see it. He asked for diamonds.

He asked what shape I liked.

I kept it very non-committal.

There on my finger was this gorgeous ring and this massive, sparkly diamond. I thought I would faint. I had never in my wildest dreams thought I'd actually HAVE something like that. That big, that fancy, that over the top out of my price-range dream of a ring. Or the amazing guy asking if I liked it!

It was fun to play dress-up. Indeed.

We left the store and headed over to the Gap. I remember it was the Gap because he had said he needed jeans. While we were in the store I got a call from my girlfriend. She asked what I was doing and I told her how we were just at the jewelry store. It felt weird telling her. After I got off the phone Rob pulled me aside and said "You really liked that ring huh?"

I just laughed and said sure who wouldn't.

He led me out of the store, I mentioned he hadn't gotten his jeans,
he said "I'm buying something else instead."

My mind was like Mmmkay, we're going to get jeans somewhere else.

But my heart was straining to keep from over reacting.

He led me back to the jewelry store and went straight for the gal that had been helping us.

"How much do I need to put down for that ring?"

I think I about passed out. He saw the look on my face and said
 "I thought you liked that ring? Do you want to look some more?"

I couldn't speak. WHAT?! WAIT! HUH?

You don't just buy a ring like that if your not serious.

He was staring into my eyes, questioning.

"Sara? We've talked about it..."

Uh yeah we did, but it was talking, you know how people talk and people say things to provoke stuff, or sound braver then they are, or say things because they are afraid of losing someone.

Sure we talked about marriage, and being married and having children and and and...

I just hadn't ever been so sure of something so quickly, I mean I had done some pretty dumb things all because I was in a hurry.

Yet, here was this guy looking at me in a jewelry store and he was saying this is it, I don't need to think about it, or wait, I'm ready.

All I could do was nod. I was speechless.

Once we got in the car, he took my hands and said "Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"Well, because I didn't propose, you know, surprise you?"

"Oh, I couldn't be more surprised."

"Well, it's going to take me some time to pay for it, but I promise you, I will surprise you when I get it."

I just nodded.

I think maybe a week had gone by and I had this nagging feeling about the ring. Time had sunk in that he wanted to marry me and he had a ring and because I had agreed to it we were on course to get married.

I went back to the jeweler, I wanted to see the ring again;  I needed to really see it.
I realized it wasn't me. The ring was perfect, it was the diamond. It was too big. I didn't need that weight, he didn't need that debt all because he loved me so much that he wanted to give me something MORE then I needed. I asked for another diamond, smaller, half the size. Still too big for me, but not for him. The jeweler reminded me he picked the diamond that HE wanted to give me. I knew what it meant to him to give me that other diamond, the big one. It was my dreams, but I hadn't believed they'd come true, so I kept them small. He wanted them to be bigger, because he knew he could make them come true.

That night when he got home from work he told me he had gotten a call saying I changed the ring.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with the diamond, and he reminded me that I had always said I wanted it big. I laughed and said "Every girl says that! But nobody can afford them!"

He told me he wanted me to move in. He had roommates at the time and I asked about them.

He told me he had already talked to each of them the week before. I reminded him that we had only just bought the ring...

He laughed and said "Sara, I was already looking at rings. You just made it easier to choose."

I had no idea this man was already planning our future. I was still coming to terms with the fact that I liked spending so much time with him and how could he be so nice, generous, loving.

Our first Christmas together, was wonderful. I love this picture. It reminds me of when I came to the realization that I wanted this man to be with me forever. One of his roommates and Rob had planned a trip to the virgin islands before we had met. In December, Rob left for a week. ( you can see who is pale and who is tan!) I was home alone and left to take care of the hot tub. I didn't know you had to keep the water level up. It got low and froze and cracked the tub. This man came home to a broken hot tub and he wasn't angry at all. In fact he was apologetic to me for causing me so much stress and worry.

Shortly after my depression hit. I had struggle with it for years and never knew exactly what it was.

*I will save that for another post.

I never could have gone through it without him.

I could never have imagined how these last 10 years were going to turn out.

Or how blessed he has made my life.

Our faith is stronger together.

Our lives richer.

We have two beautiful children together.

And there is even a new ring.

And that too is another tale.

Dedicated to the best~est friend a girl could ever have,

The tenderest lover a woman could hope for,

the gentlest father to have babies with,

The generous man to share a life with

 and the biggest fan to ever support this dreamers dreams!

I love you Babe.

The Meeting

I was ready to let go of the past. Ready to take charge of MY life, stop trying to please the un-please-able. I arranged to meet a friend at a bar/restaurant. She had papers for me to legally change my name.

That morning I had had a huge fight with Mother. I know I hurt her deeply with my words. All I can say is that pain builds and builds without somewhere to put it...Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. I was seeking validation. I did not get any.

So I was very upset for our meeting. We were sitting at the bar, Connie knew the owners and we always sat there. People began going between us to order drinks. The place suddenly was full of people. I decided that the next person to come between us would get IT! I was going to act like I was handing them their drink and "accidentally" spill it on them.

As I reached for the glass, this voice or feeling said very clearly to me "DO NOT DO IT!" Nothing like that has ever happened to me. So naturally I worked up the nerve to try it again. "Sara! DO NOT DO IT!" That's when a hand reached out and grabbed the drink from my hand.

My hand was still on the glass, I turned around a peace just went through me. There was this guy with kind brown eyes. He smiled and said thanks. Connie started talking to him. I snapped out of my peaceful moment and remembered I was ticked off. He sat down next to me and kept talking. Hell-O so not interested.

Awhile later he asked for my number. I said NO. He wouldn't let up, so I told him where I'd be later. A little test to see how interested he was.

We were going to meet some more friends and see a local band at a different bar, across town. Nothing like making a guy work for it. Right ladies? See, I'm learning.

He said he'd see me there.

Yeah right buddy!

We went, I had a great time and forgot all my troubles. Around 12:30AM Connie asked if I thought that guy would show up. I told her I didn't care and was going to go to the bathroom, then I'd be ready to go. The place was packed!

When I came out, standing in the middle of the room with NO one else around there he was. He was even standing under a light so I could clearly see him. He saw me and I think my mouth was on the floor. It was like "choir of angels sing" moment.

"Hi Sara." He said "I'm Rob."

We spent the next hour and a half talking outside because the bar was closing. We exchanged numbers. I called him when I got home because I couldn't stop talking to the guy! He talked so naturally. He was kind- hearted. He came from a close knit family. At the center of that family was G'ma Ruth. A God fearing, generous, loving woman.

We talked everyday for hours and had our first date the following Tues. Three weeks later we were engaged. My feelings were so different. I kept thinking "What's WRONG with this guy?" He was just RIGHT. It totally threw me off. I did NOT trust it.

I later found out two things:

First: Connie gave him a card, while talking to him about brewing beer. It had MY number on it.

Second: He went to see his parents the next day and told them he found the girl he was going to marry. (Rob hadn't seriously dated anyone for 7 years until me.) He can even tell you exactly what I was wearing. I remember the song the band was playing Bruce Springsteen's 'She's The One."

We wed December 15, 2001

I took those vows knowing God was blessing this marriage. He brought me a name change like no other. That's how this all began, with me wanting a name change. But it was more than a name, it was the biggest step toward forever.

It started with the book series Left Behind. I thought I was a Christian. I was not. We had been attending this church. Eagle Brook. It was very different from the Lutheran churches we were used to going to. It was RELEVANT. I remember the Pastor asking if you haven't prayed this prayer about being a sinner and wanting Jesus to come into your heart. I did. When I looked at Rob and he said "I prayed that prayer did you?" He too was challenged to take the step and have assurance. His faithfulness came full circle. Mine opened to possibilities.

My first pregnancy was to be a test of my fledgling faith. Each time I went in for an appointment I was giving more bad news. But it wasn't hard fact, time would tell. I was put on bed rest at 32 weeks. I had weekly appointments with 2 different Doctors. Weekly sonograms. On Christmas Eve I developed Bells Palsy. (Where half your face looks like you had a stroke. And nobody can predict how long the side effects will last.) At 39 weeks I had a c-section because Nina was breech, I was contracting and losing fluid. Our daughter was born December 27, 2002

She was born prefect and healthy. We weren't sure she would be. My Bells Palsy cleared after two weeks.

The strain of that ordeal made me feel blessed. But also done. I didn't want more children. I couldn't go through that again. I became pregnant again, I couldn't tell you how! Seriously. I was filled with fear and with that came anger. After six months, I gave it up to God. This was on him. He obviously had a plan here. As the hurdles came and went with ease I began to soften.

Our son was born January 1, 2005

This is my favorite picture. But the honeymoon ended that night. I had horrible post-partum depression. Ugly thoughts. The nurses were vampires, I'd look into the bassinet and see a bloody corpse. I'd visualize myself throwing my baby out the window. Nina wouldn't sit on my lap and this baby was the reason she didn't like me. I was put on medication. I took myself off it 3 weeks later. ( I was later told that can be a side effect of the anesthesia) Nicholas cried all the TIME. My mother would tell me to "let him cry it out." My heart couldn't take this. I was his mother and nothing I did soothed this baby. Our pediatrician suggested a special blanket and using the swing. It's called the 'Miracle Blanket.' It swaddles babies up tight.

Really tight, so they can feel like they did in the womb. They can't flail out of it. I'd wrap him in this blanket, place him in the swing going full speed. He would sleep. For hours! For 7 months this is how he slept. I finally, finally felt love toward this child. It was at this time I hit my knees and thanked God for NOT listening to me and knowing what would make us a family. Complete to His plan. Not comfortable for mine.

Our faith deepened. God spoke to us again. We were baptized together the summer of 2006

I share this with you because today is the day I celebrate my new life beginning.

October 7, 2001

The day I met my husband.

The day God spoke my name and I obeyed.