Every year in the middle of August: the school year approaches.
I have mixed emotions about it.
I tease the kids: "Party time for Mommy!"
But it feels more like scab picking.
There is this wound, under a thin layer of skin, that after the summer tan fades and peels away exposes it closer to the surface. It takes really nothing at all to pick the scab and start to bleed.
I will be alone.
I prize those moments when the house is quiet, but when the bus comes; the house goes silent.
My son, my baby starts first grade.
First grade= all day school.
There will be no slow mornings snuggling on the couch together.
No lunch rush to make the afternoon bus.
There will only be the morning rush, a flutter of activity to wake, clothe, and feed children and organize backpacks in order to get to the bus stop on time.
Then I will close the door and be embraced by silence.
I've never done well in silence. There are too many thoughts that bluster their way into my head.
I get side tracked; Jesus is waiting, but suddenly in the brouhaha of thoughts he is forgotten.
I don't like admitting that.
I'm suppose to be this rock, this pillar of motherly, wifely, Godly strength, focus and service.
So why does the speeding "school" train bother me so much?
From as young as I can remember, I wanted to matter. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to feel like I was really part of something good. Irreplaceable.
The season of raising young kids is ending in my life and I am grieving it.
It is raw and painful, distracting and unnerving.
I know where I need to focus. Jesus.
I have plans for us to be
But right now all I can hear is that stupid train coming.
The roar of the bus as the brakes are engaged. The clicking of the lights, changing from yellow to red.
That sound of the door opening, the sound of the feet climbing those steep steps, the sound of the voices lost as the door closes and locks it's contents in. The roar of the bus as it drives away and the sight of the faces you love so much wave as they round the corner and then turn away to laugh and giggle with friends.
We have a bit more time. The kids start school the day after Labor day. There is this mad rush to do as much as possible these last few weeks and get ready for the school year.
I remember being young and looking forward to school clothes shopping and the smell of a new box of crayons! Oh the possibilities!
Now those crayons represent possibilities for my kids.
A new school year, a new grade to master, new friendships, experiences and challenges.
And that goes double for the kids! LOL!
It's all in how you look at it, where's my focus?
Am I gonna focus on the silence? Or use that the silence to focus on the whispers?
Once that train moves down the track things are gonna sound a whole lot different!