That was fun!

We had a busy day, it started at Grammy J's house for waffles and the face painting.

Roo wanted to be a skeleton this year, which is a bit unusual for him, he likes his characters. He has been into bones lately, so I guess it's not a stretch. I was worried that it might be too scary for him, so I did my darnedest to find a "Happy" skeleton. But I knew once he saw his sister was getting face~painting he'd want it too. My Mom had a "happy" face all ready to paint.

 He sat in the chair, he had to go after Daddy, yes, we ALL got face~painting. When my mom has an audience she paints EVERYONE, it's good practise. half way through his face, he began to cry, Grammy would let him look each time she added something new. He decided it was too scary after she began to apply the black around his eyes, she hadn't even gotten to the smile yet, poor guy.

Next up was Butter or I should say last up was Butter. She was a pumpkin girl, so Grammy decorated her face.

Ta Da! 

  Butter loved it.

Now I suppose you are wondering what Rob and I looked like?

I got a little fairy on my cheek, purple of course, I refused to take a picture because it is break~out season and even the cute little purple fairy couldn't hide them!

My mom did Rob first, we had no idea we were going to be guinea pigs, but this takes the cake.

Yep, looks like he got run over by a truck!

Here they are bundled up and ready to go over to some friends house for trick or treating.

 One of Butter's dearest friends moved into a new neighborhood, it was INSANE, but so so much fun. We ended up seeing lots of families we knew through soccer.

 Jack, Roo, Butter and Sarah

 Little Sarah is hilarious and spunky, she is a good bestie for Butter who is serious, but loves to laugh.

The girls were ready to go go go and the boys were ready for hot cocoa and rest.

  This about says it all.

 I could not believe the hoopla in this neighborhood, just the scale of it wore me out. Full size candy bars, chili and bonfires for the adults, hayrides back to your house, and one house even gave out stuffed animals! I told you, insane.

Happy Halloween.

Here's a little photo treat for Ya'll.

Candy bribe

I used to justify buying costumes for Halloween by thinking: They get to wear them a few times.
The kids got to dress up for school, and of course if Halloween fell on a weekend it meant a day of driving around trick or treating at family members houses.
This year I was stumped. Money has been extremely tight, and I am already thinking and pricing and plotting and planning and paying for, nickle by sweet shiny nickle, Christmas and two very special birthdays.
We get triple whammy within one week.
So I apologize (to my children) if Halloween costumes aren't a priority this year. Adding to how I feel, we got wind that costumes were no longer going to be worn at school for the "harvest festival." Hmpf!
Okay, I do understand this, there are parents that let their kids put on scary, inappropriate costumes and think that it's okay. Or let them bring real xacto knifes in their tool belts. (true story)
I fall into: It's dress up. princesses, and fireman, fairies and superheros. Cute little Scooby Doos and Elmos. But not everybody wants to be a cute little kitty or an adorable lion.
My son wanted to be a skeleton. Not a scary one, a smiling one because he likes bones.
My daughter saw this pumpkin costume at Walmart. She has been set on THAT one for weeks!
I know what you are thinking, ah, that's cute she wants to be a pumpkin...
No, this costume is a pair of fishnets and big hair away from being inappropriate for a 7 year old. Then again I think 'Toddlers and Tiara's is ridiculous, with their "flipper" teeth, hair extensions and mini skirt mid-drift showing dresses. ( a flipper is like a mouth guard; they put in their mouth to make it look like they have straight perfect white teeth and they cost a fortune.) Okay, I saw an episode, Butter was watching and after that I blocked the show.
The straps comes off the shoulders...or so I thought from the picture. It actually is way too low cut.

It was at this time my son asked if he could "get this" and held up a giant bag of Kit Kats, Milk Duds, Reeses PB cups and Rolos.
My first instinct was "No!"
Then I stopped myself, this could be an opportunity...
I looked at my husband, the slutty pumpkin costume and back at my son.
"Sure..."
 it was coming together...
"Roo, is that the candy you'd like for Halloween?"
I had worded it just right.
He stared at me in disbelief. And nodded.
"Okay, great! Butter, why don't you pick the candy you would like?"
She heard something in my voice, she is clever...
"So, I get to pick a bag of candy?"
I nodded "Um hmmm."
"And Nick gets to pick a bag of candy?"
"Yep."
"But are we still getting the costumes?"
Darn it she caught on fast!
"No. If you choose the bag of candy, it's yours the WHOLE bag. That would be your treats. If you choose the costume you don't get the bag of candy."
"But we get candy when we trick or treat!" She said confidently.
I had to save this, I was crashing and burning; my plan flaming out.
Roo was clutching the bag of candy, his eyes wild trying to keep up. He wanted the candy. I must convince the girl.
"Butter, you remember how last year you got mostly Reese's peanut butter cups. You hate peanut butter. And Roo didn't want to trade candy, so you ended up not having as many treats. I remember you even cried about it." (shame on me for that, but I was just trying to get her to see reason.)
"So."
Rob had finally caught on. He asked "So, you want to buy them a bag of candy and not go trick or treating this year?"
I stared at him. Did he have to say it like I was the Grinch?!?!
I spoke in a death whisper to him "Two huge bags of candy would be like buying one costume!"
Nick dropped his bag of candy right where he stood and tucked in behind his dad.
"So we're not going trick or treating this year!?" Butter howled.
Darn it all!
"That is NOT what I said. I simply said if you'd like to pick your bag of candy there would be no need to go trick or treating since you chose the treats you most liked."
I'm not sure who was more upset Rob or the kids.
We left the store that day without costume or candy.

I heard it from Rob for two days. Then I got the call from the grandparents. They wanted to take the kids to the boo zoo, a safe alternative to trick or treating. The kids trick or treat in the zoo and all the staff dresses like animals. I said "You know they need costumes for that right?" They didn't know that and they'd already told the kids about it.
So off I went to get the costumes. Roo ended up with two because I had found a skeleton, glow in the dark pair of pajamas and we were going to have my Mom (who is a clown) paint his face cute. But she wasn't going to be around this day, and he needed a costume and of course he had one in mind.
Butter got her pumpkin costume, but I Rob found glitter leggings for it and I made sure I found a black sweatshirt to go under the top.
I guess that's what I get for offering a candy bribe to children. Bah humbug!
You don't think I'd leave out a picture do you?

This was just before the boo zoo, I think I might have my mom paint Butter's face, I think it would make it more girlie. (I really hate that "dress", look how low it's cut.) Roo chose a costume he had already been two years ago, he wore it so much it ripped, he's never forgotten or forgiven me for throwing it out. Curses Halloween! Three costume in one year!

Pink

So this weekend the car decided to die. We were at Panera having soup, I could think of worst places to be stuck.
I said to my husband, who; I like to remind everyone is the mechanic in the household, I said "Babe, I think the battery is dead."
"Nah, it's only two years old." He says while he's popping the hood. The minivan guy next to us says "Hey, you need a jump?"
Hubby says "Do you have cables? We don't have cables."
"No, I don't." He goes back to sitting in his minivan and waits for his wife to come back.
It's taking to long, so I get out and look under the hood. I see the battery is covered in "gunk" and I ask "What's all that stuff?"
"The posts are corroded."
I look at him, I don't say anything, because now would not be the time, but in my head I'm thinking if anything in my house looked that nasty we'd have rats, not mice; RATS.
I ask "Should I call your dad?"
He was waiting for someone else to come along with cables.
I call his dad, who only lives minutes away and could have been there by now.
Then magically "Macho Man" appears.
"Looks like you guys need a jump."
Oh we do Macho Man we do!
This guys' neck is as big as my thigh, and my thighs are like tree trunks; not 100 year old oak trunks but maybe a 5 year maple sapling. His arms are huge! He is wearing a sleeveless shirt which may or may not have been appropriate attire for our weather. His arms each had tattoos going around them, I mean the guy looked like a tank. A big macho tank, which is what you'd want to come save you in battle I mean from soup at Panera's.
He feels free to make an observation: "Looks like you're gonna need some tires soon."
Hubby answers "Yeah, like yesterday. Just isn't in the budget right now."
Macho Man looks at me in the car, I can smell what he's cookin'. (That is a shout out to the Rock, my favorite wrestler, I stopped watching when he became an actor, wait he always was an actor, um I stopped watching wrestling when the Rock stopped being a wrestler.)
He was saying: Lady, really, this guy is a schmuck. Take your car in and have it looked at.
I ask if I should call his Dad back.
Uh, yes I did holler that out the window where Macho Man could here me ask if he wanted me to call His Dad.
Macho Man then gave my man the once over, I think I saw him chuckle.
The car starts, Macho Man takes back his cables and Hubby thanks him.
I watch as Macho Man gets in his pristine big black monster truck and rumble away.
Hubby gets in and I burst out laughing.
"What? What is so funny?"
"I think you need some new tires." I say doing my impression of Macho Man.
Rob finds no humor in it. "He said 'it looks like you will need new tires soon.' He didn't say we needed new tires."
"It's one word, and it still means we need tires and a battery!"
"We don't need a battery, I'll clean it off and charge it over night."
"Because it's only 4 years old right?"
He gives me one of those looks, like women shouldn't talk of things they don't know...
I start giggling again and add: "And you had to wear a pink shirt today?"
Rob looks down and gets defensive "You bought me this shirt! And it's not pink it's watermelon!"
(That is exactly the words I used when I bought it and he called it pink.)
"Yeah, but Macho Man only saw a guy with a hoopty car wearing a pink shirt eating at Panera, what kinda of impression do you think he has of you?"
I completely lost it, I was laughing so hard I was crying. He did eventually find the humor in it and he also eventually said I was right because it was the stinking battery and it was old, in fact it was at least 5 years old.
Now if the tire fairy would visit I won't have to defend my pink shirt wearing husband anymore!

What is it about red heads?

Hi I'm Sara and I love redheads.
When I was 3 or 4 I had a crush on this boy His name was Nick Peterson and our parents were friends. Nick had strawberry blond hair, like I did. I thought I'd marry Nick Peterson.
When I was in third grade My best friend Kim had red hair.
In seventh grade my best friend Ginny, had you guessed it red hair. This beautiful dark auburn hair.
My first real job I met a gal named Trista, and we became best friends. She of course had red hair!
I can't tell you why it is that I am drawn to redheads. Maybe it's their fiery personalities or their fierce way of loving.
One of my dear RL friends introduced me to the blog: The Real Life of a Redhead.
Umm, yeah. Just try and keep me away.
Only when I started reading Miss Jill, she was going through something no woman should ever have to. What struck me most about her was how through unimaginable pain, she clung to God. With each post she wrote I struggled to come up with something to say. My heart ached for her and her family, but the words just wouldn't come.
In this land of Blog, we all are touched by the stories we read, and I think that we all want to do our best to lift those up when they are hurting, and that is hard when we don't personally know them or are unsure how our words will come across to them, when they can't see our eyes when we say them.
I wanted to tell Jill I cared, I wanted to reach out and touch her and tell her I was there listening, praying for her sweet son.
Jill wrote a very raw and emotional post about Joshua's last day here. I was struck by how much pain was in her memories, I was overcome with this feeling, this truth I guess. I needed to share that with her and yet I was afraid, I was very frighten that she may not want to hear what I had to say, what if my comment hurt her, what if it only made her memory more painful. Then I thought to myself would this be something I would want to hear? Is this lifting her up? is it encouraging?
The answer to all was yes.
But I still felt like "she doesn't know me! Who I am to just say this."
We like to say we are authentic, transparent in our blogging, I certainly feel I am.
I sent my comment and knew that she would need to approve it before it would ever be visible.
I came down to check my email later in the day and what I saw in my in box made me nervous. It was from The real life of a redhead. I opened it and read it and cried. What felt so simple and obvious and yet scary to say...she said meant more to her then I would ever know.
Today as I was reading through blogland I saw her post.
I am extremely humbled. I have a hard time being acknowledged. I like being on the sideline cheering, if someone asks for me to speak about something I'm passionate about I will without hesitation. I was afraid of how my words would impact her, I was afraid that my heart was overstepping, I was afraid God got me wrong. I should have stayed a redhead, because there is this fiery, fierceness in me too that needs to acknowledge the truth when I see it, even when that means the pinprick of conviction. (I'm talking about myself here) See I've been ignoring some pride issues. I'll do a post on that later.
I am humbled that words I've shared meant so much, and I know it is only because for out of the over-flow of the heart the mouth speaks Luke 6:45

Random Dozen

I'm back for another Random Dozen.

1. Do you prefer to read the book or see the movie?

I like to read the book first then see the movie. Usually I find the book is better, but there have been a few surprises in that theory. I love to curl up and read a good book, but it a solitary activity, where as we can curl up as a family and watch a great movie. I guess it depends on if Mommy needs some quiet alone time.

2. What is your favorite holiday and why?

Christmas. It's all about gifts. Most importantly the gift God gave us in the birth of his son Jesus. The gift in giving. Holding someone so dear in your heart that you search for the perfect gift to give. Watching my children receive gifts they will cherish. The wonder and beauty of the season. Even though it feels like a big rush, we are REMINDED in that rush to slow down and focus on our loved ones. It's really the only time a year we DO that. It brings us back to memories, family, traditions...it is a truly magical time.

3. Which do you like better - the mountains or the beach?
Even though I prefer winter to summer (I hate sweating), I would rather be on a lounge chair near the blue ocean then on a mountain top hiking.

4. If money were no consideration, what vehicle would you drive?

Robin's-egg blue Volkswagen beetle convertible.

5. What is your favorite cold-weather beverage?

Caribou Pom/Vanilla Tea Latte. YUM!

6. How do you communicate most often with your friends: phone, email, text, face-to-face, or Facebook?
I prefer to talk face to face. But  many of those that I wish I could talk to live hundreds of miles away. So I email and facebook.

7. How do you receive your mail? Mailbox on the porch, at the end of the driveway, down the street, or post office box?
Our mailbox at the end of a short steep driveway. Oh, and we don't get our mail until nearly 5 o'clock. Our mailman has a dislike for us and will often sit in front of our house taking breaks. If I go out to ask for the mail he tells me no. I have complained about him several times and he gets me back by holding my People magazine when he knows it should be in my box on Fridays, I swear he takes it home and reads it and then leaves it on Sat. Or he'll rip the cover.


8. Of the four basic personality types - sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric - which is your strongest? Which is your least evident?
I am a mix of all four. Strongest would have to be melancholic and weakest choleric. I'm a doer sort of, like if someone has lit a fire under my bum, but otherwise I'd just like to sit around a discuss the woes of the world.


9. What do you miss the most about being 20?
My metabolism! I could eat ANYTHING and not gang a pound. I loved my body at 20, but I'd never want to live in that ages maturity.

10. How long from the time you get up, does it take you to get ready to walk out the door in the morning? 

Well it all depends on when I get up in the morning. Example: get up at 8AM I'm not out the door before 10AM, get up at 9AM, I'm not out the door before 10AM, get up at 9:50AM, I am out the door by 10 AM.

11. Who handles the car maintenance and pays the bills in your family?

My husband does all car repairs, he is my little grease monkey. However I take care of the more important bills such as the Target card and the phone/internet bill.

12. For those in the US, how many states have you visited? For those outside the US, how many provinces/other countries have you visited?

oooh, I can't wait to read everyone's answers for this one. I've been to Orlando/Tampa Florida, Myrtle Beach, SC in a hurricane (Floyd), San Franisco, CA, Maui,HA,  Pitts. PA, Boston/Swampscott/Marblehead/Peabody/Salem, MA, Portland, ME, Chicago, IL, Seattle/Whidbey Island, WA. I've never been out of the country.

*note* All pictures were found using google image search. Don't hate me, hate the google.

Weekend warriors

Must of our weekends are spent running around doing errands that nobody is happy about doing. This weekend was really no different except we got to run them without the kiddos, which made them easier to get done and more enjoyable for the adults.

The Kiddos got to go to Nana and Papa's church for the fall festival, where the kids decorated pumpkins, went on a scanvenger hunt and got to ride horses.

There will be tears

There are some changes happening around here.
Hubby found out that the company he works for is being sold.
Yesterday, we found out who the buyers are and that Rob will indeed keep his job.
We don't have any details other then that.
These last few years have been tough on us. Financially, and mentally.
When we are faced with adversity Rob and I bond together, we go into it hand in hand.
I haven't been feeling that lately. As a matter of fact I've felt frozen out.
He doesn't want me to worry, or be scared.
I am grateful for that, but we've always done it together.
I asked him last night, if he would like it if I told him things "on a need to know" basis. I asked him how it would make him feel if I only told him things I knew for sure.
{Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be a whole heck of a lot!}
He told me he didn't have any "feelings", that he was indifferent to it all.
I told him that it felt like he was becoming indifferent to us, to me.
We used to share our hopes and dreams.
One of his dreams was to run the company when his uncle retired, and that my friends is happening right now...his uncle is retiring, but decided to sell the company to someone else. Someone that was a peer for my husband and now he will be Rob's boss.
I do not for one second believe that a dream not coming true leaves one; as caring and warm as my husband is, indifferent.
That just simply can't be true.
It can leave someone numb for awhile, but indifferent, no.
Rob asked me "What are you afraid of? Because it feels to me like there is more to it."
How often do we admit our greatest, deepest fears?
If you are like me, never! Because to speak it would surely mean it'll happen, right? The devil will come up behind you and take that knowledge and plot and scheme. Even if he can't make it happen he sure as heck can work at your mind...
My greatest fear is to be alone.
Wow shocker huh?
I grew up feeling like I didn't matter, I was right there in a family that treated me like I was the dust bunny in the corner. Every now and then it would get cleaned, but eventually it would find it's way back in the corner where it was forgotten. In my relationship with my husband was the first time I ever felt like I belonged somewhere. That I had found "home". It took me a long time to trust that God had put Rob in my life for that reason. I still have doubts about why Rob chose me; that I am enough... So when I feel him pulling back, freezing me out, keeping things inside; I am smacked full on with my fear of being alone.
There are probably a couple of great verses I could put here about God being our strength in times of trial; but the truth for me is that I've been taught that words mean very little, actions speak. Hearing words when action is needed doesn't work for me.
And that is because in Christian terms I am a baby. My walk with Jesus has only just begun, I have not been on the path long enough to trust the word. I have not had good mentors and leaders that have gone on the path before me.  I would be Thomas, I would need to touch the scars to believe...
Sometimes I need to be the strong one, because that is the only way to test my faith, test my strength. If you had big muscles and never used them, they wouldn't be big for very long right?
It is the same in marriage: if one is always the strength and one is always the leaner, rest never happens, building never happens.
One becomes lazy, the other weak and tired.

What I know for sure, is God is using this as a learning experience for us. I am not in control, Rob is not in control; but God is and there will be tears. There always is when growth is needed.

Just for today.

So much has been on my mind lately, and none of it has anything to do with me directly.
Don't get me wrong we have our "stuff" too, but for what ever reason the world has kinda just rose up and met me.
A lot of my prayers have gone out to people I have never even met, nor personally know. I've just been made aware of them and had a glimpse at the pain they are going through.
Reality begins to feel a little less "large". What are problems for us, everyday hurdles, don't seem so tall. Do you know what I mean?
I was writing a post over the weekend, about my struggle with depression.
I just don't feel like writing it at the present time. It's not that I'm ashamed or afraid or don't want to share, it's just, well, depression sucks and I've lived with it, through it, still have moments with it; so why would I want to give it more time then it actually deserves. OR why would I want to post about it, when clearly it is getting more then it's fair share of time?
I am trying to say that there is enough pain right now. I don't feel like adding to that. I'd rather add happy stuff, good stuff, GREAT stuff!
Except I don't have any great stuff right this second. (I actually giggled when I wrote that.)

What is good:

1. Visiting with my Mom.
2. Finding the perfect costume for my son.
3. Getting to be a part of personal decision.
4. My daughter getting excited about having her own bible and asking for my favorite verses.

What is happy:

1. Lingering warmth from the sun.
2. A dog that loves you even if the hair cut you gave her is a tad bit uneven.
3. Finding a Caribou gift card stashed in your wallet and the balance left on it is exactly enough for a medium size of your favorite drink.
4. Hearing that while us girls were out shopping, Father and son played football in the yard dressed in their Vikings jerseys.
5. Enjoying the peace and quiet at home, and being completely content that doing laundry and cooking dinner really REALLY is enough for that day.

So just for today, that is what I'm going to be concerned about. Just for today, these things are going to be enough. Just for today, I am going to love where I am and what I have.

A decade later.

I have posted the story of how we met before here:

These last ten years have changed my life in so many ways.

I learned to trust.

I learned to let go.

I learned to hang on.

I learned to accept love, both divine and earthly.

I learned to wait.

I learned to be.

This picture is the first of us together. It was taken on our trip to San Francisco.

I remember this trip vividly, firstly because no man has ever said to me:

"I want to take you to a place that means a lot to me."

And then moments later booked the trip and paid for it.

I was used to having to provide for myself. If I wanted something; a new bike, a car, an apartment, some new shoes, I had to save up for it and buy it myself. A vacation or trip was out of the question. There just wasn't that kind of money in my wallet.

I felt cheap. I felt unworthy of such an extravagant trip.

Rob was such a gentlemen and so generous. I felt spoiled, for the first time in my life.
It was very difficult, almost like not being able to take compliments.
I didn't know how to except generosity.

The other reason I remember this trip, is for what we didn't do. Usually when a couple goes "away" together it means the relationship is moving to a physical level.

From the moment I met Rob, I felt very protective of that part of me. I had used sex as away to feel wanted, important, loved. When it was over I felt even more empty. With Rob there was something different. He never tried to woo me. He never tried to kiss me or gave me any kind of sign that he was attracted to me. I thought there was something wrong with me at one point! He was content just talking, getting to know me or  just holding my hand.

I was afraid that if I went with him, the bubble would pop. I wouldn't be who he thought I was, who I wanted to be for him.

That trip had nothing to do with sex. Nothing.

It was him showing me a part of himself and me coming out of myself and a trust building between us.

I moved into Rob's place just three weeks after we had met. It was just after we had gotten engaged.

Most girls have a pretty tale to tell about their proposal. Mine was plain. Simple.

We had been together everyday for nearly three weeks. I kept thinking: What is wrong with this guy? Everything feels so right, so there has to be something wrong!

Rob is easy. He is easy to talk to, easy to be around, easy to get along with.

I am not easy to get along with, I am stubborn and I can be selfish, I share my opinion.

I decided to test him.

I have had two long-term boyfriends and neither of them wanted to go near a jewelry store.

So while we were out bumming around one Saturday I said "Let's go in here."

Easy Rob said "Sure." and held my hand tighter.

Hmmm, there was no sweat out breaks, no hyperventilating.

In fact he led me to the engagement rings. I didn't want to be obvious, I also didn't want my arm yanked off from panic.

I browsed, never really having an opinion. (I know, I KNOW, but I wasn't going to go gaga over something that wasn't even in the cards.)

He chose one, I said it was nice. I saw another one and said "What about that one?"

He nodded and asked to see it. He asked for diamonds.

He asked what shape I liked.

I kept it very non-committal.

There on my finger was this gorgeous ring and this massive, sparkly diamond. I thought I would faint. I had never in my wildest dreams thought I'd actually HAVE something like that. That big, that fancy, that over the top out of my price-range dream of a ring. Or the amazing guy asking if I liked it!

It was fun to play dress-up. Indeed.

We left the store and headed over to the Gap. I remember it was the Gap because he had said he needed jeans. While we were in the store I got a call from my girlfriend. She asked what I was doing and I told her how we were just at the jewelry store. It felt weird telling her. After I got off the phone Rob pulled me aside and said "You really liked that ring huh?"

I just laughed and said sure who wouldn't.

He led me out of the store, I mentioned he hadn't gotten his jeans,
he said "I'm buying something else instead."

My mind was like Mmmkay, we're going to get jeans somewhere else.

But my heart was straining to keep from over reacting.

He led me back to the jewelry store and went straight for the gal that had been helping us.

"How much do I need to put down for that ring?"

I think I about passed out. He saw the look on my face and said
 "I thought you liked that ring? Do you want to look some more?"

I couldn't speak. WHAT?! WAIT! HUH?

You don't just buy a ring like that if your not serious.

He was staring into my eyes, questioning.

"Sara? We've talked about it..."

Uh yeah we did, but it was talking, you know how people talk and people say things to provoke stuff, or sound braver then they are, or say things because they are afraid of losing someone.

Sure we talked about marriage, and being married and having children and and and...

I just hadn't ever been so sure of something so quickly, I mean I had done some pretty dumb things all because I was in a hurry.

Yet, here was this guy looking at me in a jewelry store and he was saying this is it, I don't need to think about it, or wait, I'm ready.

All I could do was nod. I was speechless.

Once we got in the car, he took my hands and said "Are you mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"Well, because I didn't propose, you know, surprise you?"

"Oh, I couldn't be more surprised."

"Well, it's going to take me some time to pay for it, but I promise you, I will surprise you when I get it."

I just nodded.

I think maybe a week had gone by and I had this nagging feeling about the ring. Time had sunk in that he wanted to marry me and he had a ring and because I had agreed to it we were on course to get married.

I went back to the jeweler, I wanted to see the ring again;  I needed to really see it.
I realized it wasn't me. The ring was perfect, it was the diamond. It was too big. I didn't need that weight, he didn't need that debt all because he loved me so much that he wanted to give me something MORE then I needed. I asked for another diamond, smaller, half the size. Still too big for me, but not for him. The jeweler reminded me he picked the diamond that HE wanted to give me. I knew what it meant to him to give me that other diamond, the big one. It was my dreams, but I hadn't believed they'd come true, so I kept them small. He wanted them to be bigger, because he knew he could make them come true.

That night when he got home from work he told me he had gotten a call saying I changed the ring.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with the diamond, and he reminded me that I had always said I wanted it big. I laughed and said "Every girl says that! But nobody can afford them!"

He told me he wanted me to move in. He had roommates at the time and I asked about them.

He told me he had already talked to each of them the week before. I reminded him that we had only just bought the ring...

He laughed and said "Sara, I was already looking at rings. You just made it easier to choose."

I had no idea this man was already planning our future. I was still coming to terms with the fact that I liked spending so much time with him and how could he be so nice, generous, loving.

Our first Christmas together, was wonderful. I love this picture. It reminds me of when I came to the realization that I wanted this man to be with me forever. One of his roommates and Rob had planned a trip to the virgin islands before we had met. In December, Rob left for a week. ( you can see who is pale and who is tan!) I was home alone and left to take care of the hot tub. I didn't know you had to keep the water level up. It got low and froze and cracked the tub. This man came home to a broken hot tub and he wasn't angry at all. In fact he was apologetic to me for causing me so much stress and worry.

Shortly after my depression hit. I had struggle with it for years and never knew exactly what it was.

*I will save that for another post.

I never could have gone through it without him.

I could never have imagined how these last 10 years were going to turn out.

Or how blessed he has made my life.

Our faith is stronger together.

Our lives richer.

We have two beautiful children together.

And there is even a new ring.

And that too is another tale.

Dedicated to the best~est friend a girl could ever have,

The tenderest lover a woman could hope for,

the gentlest father to have babies with,

The generous man to share a life with

 and the biggest fan to ever support this dreamers dreams!

I love you Babe.

Mistakes...I've had a few

If you would have told me that this time of year{10 years ago} that would change my life forever, I would have thought you pecans, almonds, pistachios in other words NUTS!
I was in an awful place. How I got there were by mistakes I made. Lessons I had to learn, manure to prime the soil, some nasty stank manure y'all!
Rewind:
1993~
I had just come home from Boston, where I was a nanny. A nanny for a woman that was stealing my money, and using me has her step-in 24/7. I learned that I could make it by myself. I learned that I really was a tough cookie, all I needed was some boundaries.
Just before I came home I had a conversation with my Mother that went something like this:
"How would you feel if Sherri moved in with us?"
Sherri, my older and yet far more irresponsible sister, whom when the divorce went down chose to live with our Dad because she could get away with all her lying, and partying. Where in our two-bedroom town home did she think she'd put her?
"I don't think I'd like that Mom. She chose to live with dad. If she's having problems with her boyfriend then she should go back to living at dad's. Besides we don't have the room."
" Well, I just feel..."
I listened. I felt bad for my mom, the position Sherri was putting her in, feeding on my mom's guilt. But I also know that Sherri never lived with her choices, she was always looking for someone to bail her out, so she would never have to take responsibility for her actions.
This conversation went on and on, for a few weeks, until I got off the plane and went home to see that Sherri had indeed moved in and was now sharing a room, dorm style with my mom. I was so upset, and I felt invisible. Nobody cared what I thought, my feelings didn't matter, not even in my home. It wasn't long before stuff started, and by stuff I mean bullying. Mom started dating, and well, we cramped her style. She began working Sherri to move out, who then worked me to move in with her.
What was I thinking? We had never in our entire lives gotten a long. But here I was desperately wanting the freedom I had had and the only way I saw to get it was to be with her... I had given her some of my information (SS#) and the like to put on a lease. Then I had a dose of reality and changed my mind. I did not want to live with her. I could deal with mom and her boy-friend, I could not deal with Sherri. We had a fight, she got mad that I wasn't giving into her and she darn near choked me. (That's what she did, she bullied. And when words didn't work she got physical) I was no longer the weak little girl who let people push her around, so I punched her in the face to get away. When my Mother came home I got in trouble. I got the blame and she was done with us; we were told to move out. I had no place to go, except my Dad's. Sherri got pregnant and Mom let her stay.

Sherri later "stole" my identity before there was such a thing. (another time for another story)

Living with Howie was hell. He was constantly yelling at you for one thing or another. You ate too much, you were never home for dinner. You looked like a slut, you dressed like a nun. You use too much water, you don't keep things clean. You could never win with this man. NOTHING, met his approval. Nothing. If I went out, he called me a slut. If I stayed home he called me a b**ch because nobody liked me. The end of that came when he started yelling at me, I left the room and went into my room. He opened the door and started yelling, I told him to get out, he wouldn't; telling me this was HIS house...I kept telling him I paid rent, I bought my own groceries, my own cleaning supplies, that this was at least MY room; when I went to close the door he punched me in the face; calling me an grateful little f*ck. (yep, from the mouth of my own father to my ears; and broken heart)
I was put in a tough spot.
Instead of following through with a commitment I made and hurting HIS reputation, I skipped an appearance that hurt my chances of doing something I had wanted to do. (too long of a story)
I am not a liar.
If I had went, questions would have been asked: "What happened to your face?"
I could not give the answer "My dad hit me."
Nobody would have believed Howie could have done that. He is such a wonderful guy...

{side note: people always think my Dad is this wonderful guy. When my mom and I started talking, really talking she told me she used to refer to him as 'Mr. Wonderful'. Because he had this persona, that everyone liked and he was nothing close to it.}

My priorities switched from going after something I wanted, to going after something I REALLY wanted. A place of my own.
I found a studio apartment. It was small, but it was all MINE. I loved it.
Not long after that I had started dating. I was introduced to a sweet guy through a friend. He was still in college and we would take turns visiting each other. I was the first girlfriend for him, he was my second. We enjoyed each other. I did not enjoy how close he was to his mother. It became harder and harder to be in a relationship with a guy who called his mom twice a day: first to ask what he should wear for this interview or that party and then an end of day wrap up that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours!
My lease was coming up for renewal and he was now out of school, we spent a lot of time at my place.

June 1999, I left my studio apartment to move in with a guy that I might be "the right one".  Living together would bring us closer together, he would finally cut the ties and depend on me instead; right?

We'd had been dating for three years now and decided to move in together. BIG MISTAKE. Neither one of us was ready. My stuff was my stuff and his stuff was his stuff and our stuff, well there wasn't anything ours except the spilt rent. He was lazy, in my opinion. He would go out after work and come home late almost morning, then he would sleep in late, be late for work and it would start all over again. I would come home for lunch and he'd still be in bed. It drove me crazy, how could I count on this guy to make my dreams come true if he had no dreams of his own?
I was 25. I thought I'd at least be planning my wedding by now.
His family; it seemed were on pins and needles, I was on pins and needles: Will he ask me the question?
At Christmas, there was this feeling, something big was coming. I opened my gifts and was so thankful for all the thoughtful things he had chosen for me. There was this moment, where I felt every one's eyes on me. He had been sitting on the floor in front of me, I was in a chair. I noticed he was looking at me. I noticed everyone was looking at me. My heart began to race. He slid a tiny gray box closer to me. I hadn't noticed he'd put it there on my other boxes, that I'd just finished opening, I hadn't cleared my lap. I looked at the box and then at him, he had this smile. Something paused in me, telling me not to open the box; like, what was is there was going to hurt me, not make me happy. There was this weight, this knowing I guess. Again he nudged the box toward me. The room was buzzing. I opened the box, and his grin got bigger. While he grinned and the room ooh and awed. My heart sank, it was not a diamond ring. Instead, it was a pair of tiny diamond earrings. He was so excited to have given me such an extravagant gift, and in front of his entire family no less. What a BIG guy he was!
For me it felt like a slap in the face. I didn't want earrings, sure they were diamonds and what girl wouldn't want diamonds? But I wanted to promise, I wanted the future. I wanted his undying love for ever and ever...
This was...this was what? Duck tape to a broken window. Ivory soap when you wanted Bath and Body works. Lee jeans when you wanted Jordache. It didn't endear me to him, in fact it shined a light on all the flaws. He wasn't a person I wanted to marry, I wasn't going to settle for earrings when I wanted the ring instead.
As time passed, I began to wonder where he thought this was going?
There came a conversation between us; I don't remember how it started or who started it; what I do remember are the words he spoke, not in anger or frustration, just a pure thought; that happened to be spoken out loud.
"I don't ever see us getting married."
If he had said this even a week before I would have chalked it up to lack of sleep, or disappointment in his job, or a million other things, but no truer words have been spoken by him. I think it was the first time I didn't fight back, yell, argue. The words sunk in like I had been dropped into a frozen lake and the cold stillness took me under. I raged in my own mind:
You think you'll find someone to deal with your shit?
You think you are better without me?
You will spend the rest of your days tied to your mommy's apron strings...
I wasted years on this...
How could I be so stupid?
Of course he wouldn't marry you! Who would?

It was ugly; on the inside. On the outside I was an iceberg.
Every thing I did was careful, I was plotting, cunning to leave his "stupid ass" out in the cold like he left me.
I had gotten another job, I would need it to pay all the rent.
I had gotten a cat, which he was allergic too and a much needed source of comfort for me.
Then one night I started the end. I told him I thought he should move out. There was nearly a year left on the least and I was not going to spend it co-habituating with a guy who couldn't see us being together. There was no more "free milk".
He was livid, fiery, physical. I always knew it could happen with him, but I'd never given him the ammunition. Now he had it. He pushed, I cried, He screamed, I screamed back, he realized we had a cat and then he walked out the door.
He came back very late, I pretended to be asleep. He crawled into bed and snuggled up to me, whispering he was sorry, wanting to take harsh words back, apologizing for "loosing his temper" and pushing me.
I was an iceberg.
When I knew he was asleep, I got up and removed the apartment keys from his key chain.
He would not be coming back into this place. I would not spend one more night with him in my bed.
I went to work, he went to work and I came home at lunch "sick".
I packed up his things and minutes before I knew he was to get home, I placed his things outside the front door to the building with a note.
I have your keys, I am going to keep the apartment. Goodbye.
Someone let him in, he kicked in the locked door and started screaming at me.
I had the phone in my hand, I had called his mother. Out of respect for her I had called her to tell her my plans, she did not like it. I told her how he had said he never saw us getting married and that I was done playing house. I also told her about how he lost his temper when I tried to tell him we couldn't live together anymore. She assured me he wouldn't hurt me and that she'd talk to him, could I please wait for the weekend and we could all come over there and talk about it. I told her sure. My resolve was set  I needed my life to start over, I could not take one more day of pretending with him, the pretending had already lasted years too long. I told her he was home, just before he kicked in the door.
She could here him screaming at me, I lifted the phone very slowly, he laughed at me and told me to go ahead call the cops...
I held the phone up and said "It's your mom."
He grabbed the phone and turned away from me.
I have know idea what was said, but it was all from her end. After a few moments he threw the phone down and left. I took a deep breath and watched as he drove away.
She called me later that night to see if I was okay. I told her I did not want him back here and if he came I would call the police. She asked if she could come and see me. I told her sure, but only her, if she brought him they would not be let in.
I waited for her. She came, she embraced me, she looked at the door and was visually upset by it. We talked about what happened, she told me he was upset and hurt and remorseful.
I was an iceberg.
When things weren't turning his way, she politely asked for his half of the rent that was just paid the week before. I politely declined saying, I wouldn't receive my first check from my second job until the last week of the month and I would need that for the next month's rent.
Her lips pursed, she asked if he could just stay until the end of the month, so he could collect his things.
I again politely declined and told her I had already boxed up his things, the furniture, the bed, the dishes, everything was mine. I could tell she wasn't liking my attitude.
I reminded her that I was afraid of him now, that he kicked the door in, would she really want us together knowing that he could hurt me?
She denied that he would ever...of course.
She told me she was disappointed in me, for taking his money...that maybe we both should walk away from the lease...
I told her I looked into it already and we would both have to pay the remaining rent on the lease (9months) and that he would most certainly get help from them, and I would be stuck paying my share with no place to live and no money to get a new place; taking one months rent from him was small in comparison to 9 months worth. She knew I had a point.
She glanced at me, I hadn't known what the look was until she asked me:
"Will you give him back the earrings?"

I gave him my whole heart and all I got from him was a showy moment and some damn earrings that he now wanted back??? Do I get these pieces of my heart back? Do I get these wasted years back? If all I have that shines out of this are those stinkin' earrings, I'm sorry but he doesn't get that back. I'm taking the shine. For once I'm not taking the empty.
I literally didn't know what to say. Those earrings summed up our relationship, and she was asking for them back. He was asking for them back. He was wanting to strip all meaning, all worth away from me.
I politely declined. They were a gift. I would never ask for his fishing pole, or rollerblades or leather jacket back. (All gifts from me.)
She was unsettled by this, explained they were worth much more then those things and that he spent...
 I stopped her. I choked out words I never wanted to.
"Do I get my investment back too?"
I don't think she ever saw me as someone meant for her son, but in that moment I think she finally realized that I had already given her son everything I had and I would not be giving anymore.
She asked if there was anything she could do.
I said no.
She asked if there was any way we could all talk about this.
I said no.
She asked me if I ever wanted to speak to him again.
I cried, and said no.
She left. I cried. I was an iceberg.
I started doing things I would never have done before.
I went out drinking with "new" friends. I got a tattoo. I dated guys older, younger, everything in between just to date the wrong, because what I thought was right wasn't right and if I was going to be wrong, it was going to be obvious to me.
I dated a married guy, this is not a piece I am proud of and to my defense he told me they were divorcing. Brian, told me everything you'd want to hear. We woo~ed me. I had never been woo~ed before. It was the first time I ever felt adult; felt like relationships were more then a flutter or rush, there was planning involved, real things like rent and bills, that you were suppose to make plans together, not side by side. Then he got crazy. He would stop taking my calls, when two days prior he would call me four or five times a day. I caught him lying, when I confronted him about his "divorce" he said they were working these out. I stopped seeing him the moment I realized he had lied to me. This part of my history hurts, I was foolish, naive and sinful. And it all came from a place of loneliness. Not having Christ in my life.
I continued to date, the next one was a man, Chris, who talked about someday getting married, finding the right girl and having children. It was intoxicating, having someone looking for the exact same thing I was. Only, he wasn't the guy I was looking for. This began with him chasing me, I wasn't really interested. I knew he'd had a girlfriend. He was not one to take no for an answer. Friends began pitching for him. He sent flowers. (Nobody had done that before!) He woo~ed me with actions not words. Brian and my family taught me words can be lies. Actions however that match the words... I agreed to go on a date. He took me out on a lake jet skiing. He had a career, he had a house. He was a man, not a boy just becoming a man. I soon would learn that he wasn't much of a man, but more of a snake. Once he had me hooked, he kicked his girlfriend of 3 years out,( I had know idea she had still been in the picture, I was told it ended before the woo~ing started. By him and the "friends")  he worked and worked and worked to be intimate with me. I was determined not to jump in so quickly, surely if he was "right" then waiting wouldn't be a big deal. He told me that was fine, he respected me. Blah blah blah.
I found out he went out with several other girls, who would~yeah know.
There was a birthday party coming up, for on of those friends, he told me he would be out of town, but I should go anyway. I went, was having a good time, until he walked in with this other girl, whom he had known longer then just meeting her...everyone acted like they'd seen her before, I was the only one who thought it strange. And then I didn't. He had been cheating, and I was the last to know. My insides wanted to cause a seen, she was everything I was not: tall, blond, barbie~like. People laughed when she spoke...I thought if she wants to be with a guy like that, well who was I to stop her. I am thankful to certain friends that helped me through that day. They saw it unfold and even though they didn't agree, they weren't going to make a big deal.
I was once again all alone; left to deal with disappointment and cruelty. Disrespected, sad and stupid.
I always knew Chris wasn't my Mr. Right. Other wise I would have jumped all in. But what I learned from him was that I needed boundaries, expectations, qualities in a person that I would not settle less for. No matter how well they chased, or said the right things or how gorgeous the smile was.
I decided I wasn't going to date. I would work on finding what made me happy without that being a guy.
Somehow, somewhere the seed had started to take root...
My family life was spinning out of control. I had surgery on my foot and had moved in with my Mom. It was the last thing either of us wanted. She drove me crazy, with her rules. I was an adult now and if I didn't want to clean up my room, I wasn't going to. I tried to only come home to sleep. It was around this time I started questioning her desire to even have been a mother. We had an awful confrontation. I said some very hurtful things, but things that my soul needed to get out. I needed answers.
Though this is another area that I am not proud of, had we not had this fight I don't believe our relationship would be where it is today.
It is good. She talks to me, like an adult. She answers my questions and doesn't try to "protect" me from the answers. She shares some of her secrets with me, which I love. See; I could never really love her, I didn't know who she was. I only knew the way she acted around me. She was cold, distant. I now know that was her protection, not from me, but from the cruelness of her world. Mother does not know Christ's love first hand, I am working on that. Step by step. You could pray for her, that the seeds take root.
Our fight led to my decision to change my name. I didn't want to be a Register anymore. I wanted to be my own person. I hated the family I came from. None of them seemed to care about me, they were all too selfish in their own lives. I wanted to be made new...there is only one way to do that and I was on my way to learning exactly how that was done.
Change was coming, a big change.

Rock Tober

Is it me or has September gone awfully fast? I feel like we were just getting home from our family vacation and now the kids are bugging me about the The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

The school is calling to set up conferences already! Have they been in school that long?

I find myself wanting time to slow down.

Butter has lost the last of her baby teeth had to have the last of her baby teeth pulled this week.

When Butter was 2 1/2 she was jumping on the bed, holding something in her mouth, she fell off the bed knocked one of her teeth out, root and all and knocked the front tooth  completely back up into the gum, where we searched for an hour to find it and were told by the dentist after an x-ray that it was up in the gum.

Over time it did come back down, but never completely, so when it was time to get loose it hung on for dear life...like an entire year. I have pulled a few of her teeth simply because they were so loose and she wouldn't do it, but this one, oh my cookies it was stubborn and with the new one coming in behind it I decided I'd let the professional deal with it and her.

She was scared going in, but if you'd have asked her she would have told you no. She's like her Momma, we carry it inside. I told her I'd be right here and watched her walk away. Yes I could hear what was going on and my heart ached for my girl. She did such a good job. She handled it like a champ. As usual she was a bit upset about the blood, but relieved it was over. 

Here she is before: notice the tooth on the right is smaller and looks to be hanging much lower then the other? That is because it is actually pushed out, because the big tooth is coming in right behind/under it. The gap you see next to it was where she lost the tooth completely and there still is no sign of one coming in there.

VOILA!

Here she is two days after having it pulled, the bruising and redness are gone. She had school pictures the day after it happened so it will be interesting to see how they turn out. She is growing up right before my eyes! Gosh, I love those chubby cheeks! She has the sweetest eyes, but watch out; she can sass.

Even though October has snuck up on me, I'm feeling good. I'm ready to rock this month.

Not air guitar and Poisin/Aerosmith/Motey Crue; but collect all the rocks I've been holding on to:

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."

~ Isaiah 44:8

Pride, bitterness, unforgiveness

"Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD, "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?

~Jeremiah 23:29

Prideful spirit, Unwillingness to give over control, being disobedient.

and, "A stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall." They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

~I Peter 2:8

Not pursuing my spiritual gifts and how God wants to use me.

"There is no one holy like the LORD; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God."

 ~I Samuel 2:2

There is hope, there is forgiveness, there is a strength to draw upon, but I haven't done it long enough. I love the quick fix. The instant gratification. Problem comes up, pray about it, it's fixed the next day.
Ta da!
I'm failing to except His perfect timing, and failing in that is causing me a ton of stress and worry that builds into frustration and then bitterness. Yep, I can get pretty bitter with God. In a lot of ways I am a rebellious teenager thinking she can do everything better...even though I have not made any Heavens, or Earthes or living creatures...instead, I've made mud. And it hasn't been very good mud. It never lasts, all it takes is one rain storm and whoosh, gone. 
So I'm going to ROCK this 'Tober...
I am going to lay all of my rocks down and let the Master Builder do His work. I am going to stop playing in the mud, I don't want to be dirty anymore. He's going to wash me up and build something strong in me so I won't melt into a pile of goop when the next storm comes.